Arms of Destiny

Chapter 12
 

Brian woke up to the smell of fresh coffee and bacon. When he glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 8:00, he considered rolling back over and going back to sleep but then remembered he had to pick up Josh in a couple of hours and knew he needed to get up. Grabbing his robe, he made his way to the kitchen and found Justin cooking breakfast.

“Morning, Sunshine.” He mumbled as he reached for his coffee cup.

“Hey Brian. Did you sleep well? I figured that since you made dinner, the least I could do was make breakfast.” Justin said as he bustled around the kitchen trying to get everything ready.

“You don’t have to cook while you are here. We could have grabbed something to eat on our way out. I slept like the dead. Dare I ask how you slept?” Brian asked as he took a sip of his coffee. He could see Justin’s eyes cloud over and already knew his answer.

Justin wasn’t sure how to respond to Brian’s question. He had slept the way he always did, falling asleep for a few hours before waking up in a cold sweat. The only difference this time was that once he realized it was all a dream he was able to feel safe knowing he was in the loft with Brian just a few feet away. “Oh, you know. The usual.” He replied, unable to look Brian in the eye.

“Justin…” Brian started, only to be interrupted by Justin’s voice.

“Look, Brian. Let’s not even go there right now. We have to go get Josh soon and we still need to eat and shower. I promised you I would talk about it when the time is right and now is certainly not the time. Why don’t you sit down and eat while I take a shower. This way we can save time.” Justin said as he placed Brian’s breakfast on the table. He needed to get away before Brian talked him into opening up right then. He didn’t want to put a damper on their day.

Brian let the subject slide and sat down to eat his breakfast while Justin went to take a shower. He really wanted to know what was going on, but Justin was right. Now was not the time, but Brian had every intention of making Justin open up by the end of the day.

Brian and Justin arrived at Josh’s house at 10:00. Shana opened the door looking as if she was at the end of her rope.

“Brian! Thank God you are here. Josh has been driving me crazy all morning wondering when you were going to get here. I finally sent him across the street to play with his friend. I couldn’t take it anymore. He has way too much energy for me sometimes!” She exclaimed before realizing Brian wasn’t alone. “I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Shana.” She offered as she took Justin’s hand.

“Hello. I’m Justin. I’m a friend of Brian’s.” Justin replied as he shook the woman’s hand. He liked her immediately and could tell she really cared for Brian by the way she looked at him.

“You’re…Justin?” Shana asked, looking at Brian in shock. She knew all about his past relationship with Justin and had no idea that they were back in contact again.

“Yes, Shana. This is Justin. So why don’t you call Josh and have him come home. We have shopping to do.” Brian pointed out, trying to relay the message to keep quiet.

“Uh…sure. I’ll go call him.” She replied, understanding what Brian was trying to say. She made her way to the phone, curious as to what was going on with the two men. Over the last three years, Shana had developed a very close friendship with Brian and hoped that having Justin there meant that they were working on getting back together. Anyone who knew Brian knew how he felt about Justin.

Justin saw a look pass between the two friends and knew that Shana was aware of at least some of their past. It made him wonder exactly what Brian had told her about him. While they waited for Josh to come home, the three adults sat around discussing everything from current events to the weather. Justin found himself enjoying their time together and was almost saddened when a little boy came flying through the door putting an end to the conversation.

“Brian! I am so happy you’re here!” Josh exclaimed as he threw himself into Brian’s outstretched arms.

“Hey, Kiddo. How’ve you been?” Brian asked as he returned the hug enthusiastically. He still couldn’t believe how much he missed the boy in between visits.

“I’m good now that you’re here. I have been waiting forever for you to get here. Who’s that?” The boy asked, noticing Justin sitting off to the side of the couch.

“Josh, this is Justin. He’s a good friend of mine. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if he came shopping with us. Is that alright?” Brian asked, not knowing what Josh’s response would be.

“Brian…is he like you?” Josh asked shyly.

“What do you mean is he like me?” Brian asked, baffled by the boys question.

“Does he like boys more then girls?” Josh whispered.

Brian couldn’t hold back his laughter. Josh was such a smart kid and he was so honest with his questions. “Yes, Josh. He’s just like me. Now stop trying to fix your mom up with every man you meet. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate that.”

“Joshua Thomas! I do not need a man in my life right now. We have been over this before. I’m sorry, Justin. Ever since Josh met Brian he’s been trying to fix us up. Once we explained the situation, he started looking at every man he comes in contact with differently. He is convinced that he needs a father and he won’t listen to what I have to say about it.” Shana explained, feeling herself blush at the situation.

“That’s okay. No need to be embarrassed. I understand how kids are.” Justin laughed before turning his attention back to Josh. “Sorry slugger. Can’t help you there, but I would like to be your friend if that’s alright with you.” Justin offered, hoping to win the boy over. He knew how important the boy was to Brian and felt like he was being put to the test.

“Of course you can be my friend. If Brian likes you then so do I.” Josh stated as he jumped off Brian’s lap and hugged Justin.

“Thank you, Josh. I like you too.” Justin replied as he hugged the boy back. He couldn’t help but feel a little sad at the knowledge that Gus was growing up and he didn’t even know the boy anymore. He made a promise to himself to call Melanie and Lindsey and see if he could visit.

“Okay, let’s go shopping!” Brian exclaimed as he pulled both Josh and Justin out of their seats and towards the door. He was thrilled to be spending his day with two of his favorite people.

Four hours and ten shopping bags later, Brian found himself exhausted and in desperate need of food and rest. They agreed to go to lunch at a local pizza place and Brian couldn’t wait to sit down. Between Josh and Justin, they had more energy then most Nuclear Power Plants. After they placed their order, Brian had to excuse himself to answer his phone which had begun to ring. As soon as he was gone Josh started in on a line of questioning that would make any lawyer proud.

“So how long have you known Brian?” He asked with interest.

“About five years, I guess.” Justin answered, amused by the protectiveness he heard in the boy’s voice.

“How come I’ve never met you before?” Josh drilled.

“I was away at college for four years. I just got back to town a couple of weeks ago. I’m working for Brian now.” Justin explained.

“Are you Brian’s boyfriend?” Josh asked.

“Uh…no. I’m not his boyfriend. Brian doesn’t have a boyfriend.” Justin answered, wondering why he was having this conversation with an eight year old.

“He used to have a boyfriend only he left and made Brian real sad. That was why he was at the cabin place with my mom and me. He said something about falling into a dark hole when his boyfriend left without saying goodbye. He said he didn’t want to have no boyfriends anymore and he was crying.” Josh said with sadness.

“He told you all that?” Justin asked in shock. ‘Could what this boy was saying be true?’ he asked himself.

“Well, he didn’t tell me. He told my mom. I was supposed to be sleeping but I couldn’t sleep so I was ease dropping.” Josh admitted without looking Justin in the eyes.

“I think you mean eavesdropping. Did he say anything else?” Justin had to ask. He knew it wasn’t right to be pumping the boy for information, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Just that he would never forget the trick who changed everything. Do you know what that means? I didn’t know Brian could do tricks.” Josh said innocently.

Justin couldn’t answer because a lump of emotion was building in his throat. Luckily, Brian came back to the table at that moment and the conversation was dropped. Justin pushed the information to the back of his mind so he could survive through the rest of their day. After their lunch was done, the men took Josh to the park and watched him play on the equipment with other children his age. It gave them a chance to talk.

“He’s a really great boy, Brian. No wonder you two became so close.” Justin said, happy that the two found each other.

“Yeah. He really is great. He and Gus get along really well, too. He’s like the older brother Gus will never have. I wish I could do more for him. Shana doesn’t have it easy. Her ex-husband split without telling anyone where he was going so he doesn’t send child support. I try to give her money but she won’t accept it. That’s why I take him out shopping. It’s the only way she will take anything from me. This will probably sound strange coming from me, but I don’t know what I would do without either one of them. They mean the world to me.” Brian looked away so Justin couldn’t see the tears that were threatening to fall.

Justin grabbed Brian’s chin and turned his head so he could look into those beautiful hazel eyes while he spoke.

“Brian. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you love someone and need them in your life. I see how much you care for them and I know they feel the same way about you. Instead of trying to explain the way you feel, just enjoy the fact that you have two wonderful people in your life.” Justin said, trying to ease Brian’s mind.

Brian was so caught up in his emotions he couldn’t even reply to what Justin was saying so he just gave him a soft kiss and got up to go push Josh on the swing. He still wasn’t very good with the whole feelings thing but he was working on it.

After dropping a very happy and tired Josh off at home, the boys went home, picking up Chinese take out and a bottle of wine on the way. They changed into comfortable clothing and sat on the floor in the living room eating their dinner and talking about their hopes and dreams for the agency. Time flew by and before they knew it the wine was gone and it was after 1:00 am. They cleaned up their mess and said their goodnight before making their way to their separate beds. It was a good day for both of them and each one fell asleep thinking about the other.

Brian awoke a couple of hours later to the sound of Justin screaming out in another nightmare. He scrambled from the bed and raced to Justin’s side, desperately trying to wake him from his nightly terror. He could hear Justin calling to him from his dream state and knew that whatever was going on in the blonde’s mind was pretty bad. He nudged him a few times, gently calling his name before Justin jumped up and crouched in the corner of the couch, all color drained from his face. It was obvious that even though Justin was awake, he was clearly not conscious of his whereabouts. Brian reached out to comfort him, wanting to take away the fear he saw in the usually bright blue eyes.

“Justin. It’s me, Brian. You are here in the loft and everything is okay. You are safe here.” Brian whispered, approaching the boy slowly.

After a few moments Brian was able to take Justin in his arms and hold his shaking form. It took about 20 minutes for Justin to come back from the horror filled dream and calm his nerves. He continued to find comfort in Brian’s strong arms, trying to delay the conversation that he knew was coming. His time ran out.

“Justin. I think it’s time we had that talk. What do you say we go lie down in the bed and get comfortable?” Brian suggested, hoping that Justin would give in and just open up to him.

Justin stayed where he was for a moment, pulling himself together before standing up and leading Brian to the bedroom. He knew the time had come. It had been four years since the night his life had changed and now he was going to share his experience with the one man who mattered most to him.

“Brian. Could you turn off the blue lights? It would be easier to talk about this in the dark.” Justin explained as he climbed into bed.

Brian did as Justin had asked before climbing in bed beside him. He could tell he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear and took Justin into his arms for comfort. He waited, giving him time to gather his thoughts, and was relieved to hear the story begin.

“When I first got to Dartmouth I was a mess. I missed everyone so much, especially you. I wanted to call you so bad but I didn’t think I had the right to call after leaving the way I did. I figured the only way to get past the sorrow was to move on with my life. On my second night there I decided to go out and see the town. I quickly found the gay district and started checking out the bars. I found a small place that reminded me of Babylon so I decided to hang out and see what was going on. I had a few beers and hit the dance floor. The guys were pretty hot and I was lost to the music.” Justin stopped for a minute to settle his nerves, not sure if he could continue.

Brian didn’t like the way the story was going but knew he needed to listen. He tightened his hold on Justin, silently encouraging him to continue.

“The next thing I knew there was this guy standing in front of me. He told me how hot I was and said he’d been watching me since I walked in the door. He offered to buy me a drink so I let him. He seemed nice enough so I followed him over to the bar and ordered a beer. He started to get weird then. He kept grabbing my ass and telling me how he wanted to fuck me all night long. He was giving me the creeps so I told him I had to leave. He tried to convince me to stay but I refused. I made my way outside and started walking back to the dorms, but as I walked down the street I was grabbed from behind and dragged into an alley. I was petrified. I tried to scream but he had his hand over my mouth so tight I could barely breath.” Justin stopped once again, trying to stop the tears that had started to fall.

“Justin…” Brian whispered, feeling a coldness settle in as he tried to hold back tears. He knew what was coming next and he didn’t know how he was going to be able to listen to what happened to his Sunshine.

“He said that I was a dick tease, and that I deserved what I was going to get. He removed his hand from my mouth and kissed me so hard I could taste blood. I tried to pull away but he was too strong for me. I tried to bite him but he pulled back and slapped me across the face so hard that I almost passed out from the pain. Then he pushed me face down and pulled a switchblade out of his pocket. He held me down with his knee in my back and placed the blade of the knife into my throat. He told me if I gave him any trouble he would slice my throat open and leave me to die. I believed him. Then he…he…” Justin was unable to continue. His body was racked with sobs and he was shaking uncontrollably as he relived the experience in his mind.

Brian held Justin while he sobbed, crying right along with him. He never imagined that Justin was carrying around this kind of secret. No wonder he wasn’t sleeping. Who could sleep after something like that? Brian couldn’t stop his mind from running through the images that Justin had given him. He was horrified, not only by what Justin had to go through, but by the thought that he went through it alone. When Justin’s sobbing began to quiet, Brian pulled back a little and looked into his eyes.

“It’s okay now, Justin. I’m here and it’s all over. Everything’s going to be okay.” Brian tried to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. They stayed there in each other’s embrace until Justin finally fell asleep from exhaustion, leaving Brian to replay his story over and over again. He watched Justin sleep, trying to come up with a way to help the man come to terms with what had happened to him. How can anyone come to terms with something like that? How did he survive four years on his own without talking about what had happened? Brian drifted off to sleep as the sun was coming up, his mind tormented by what he had learned.

Brian woke up and was shocked to find that not only was it past noon, but that Justin was still asleep in his arms. He continued to watch the blond sleep, not wanting to disturb him knowing he needed the rest. About a half hour later he saw Justin’s eyes flutter open and look around in confusion.

“Hey sleepyhead. How are you feeling?” Brian asked gently.

“I’m alright. Is it really 12:30?” He asked, unable to believe he had just woken up.

“Yes it is. You slept for over eight hours. I guess you needed it.” Brian pointed out, pulling back a bit to look into Justin’s eyes for any signs of distress. He didn’t see any there.

“I haven’t slept that good since…that night. Thank you for making me talk about it. I’ve been holding it in for so long that it feels good to finally share it with someone. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t think I could handle it if everyone knew.” Justin explained.

“Justin. Don’t you think you should talk to a professional? Maybe they could help you get past it all.” Brian suggested, wanting to do whatever it took to get Justin through his experience.

“No. What I need right now is to put it all behind me. It was four years ago. I think it’s time to move on.” Justin said. He tried to get out of bed but was pulled back into Brian’s arms.

“I wish you called me back then. I would have been there for you. I’m here for you now, if you need me.” Brian offered.

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thanks Brian. I’m going to take a shower. It’s your turn to make breakfast.” Justin joked as he headed off to the bathroom.

“That’s what friends are for.” Brian whispered to himself, wondering what the future held for the two of them.


End of part 12
9/22/03

Return to Arms of Destiny