2000

Saturday morning Leah awoke before Will. She padded downstairs to find James in the den watching cartoons.

"A little old for those aren't you?"

James grinned, "The ones on these days are for shit. Not like the ones that I used to watch when I was a kid."

"Whatever. Have you made coffee yet?" Leah asked.

"Yes, but its old."

"I'll make fresh then. You didn't sleep again last night did you?" Leah could see the stress in her brother's eyes. She hated what this was doing to him.

"I'm fine," he dismissed her concern. "Go make some coffee." Then as she headed into the kitchen, he yelled after her, "And bring me a bagel would you?"

Moments later she came back into the den carrying a tray with coffee and bagels. She sighed as she began buttering her bagel.

"So what did Will say when you picked him up last night?" she asked.

"I told him."

"Told him what?"

"I told him about the doctor's appointment."

Leah was quiet, thinking of the events of yesterday.

"Are you pissed that I told him?" James asked.

"What? No. No, that's fine. Thanks for picking him up, and for telling him. How did he take it?"

James raised his eyebrow, "How do you think?"

Leah was quiet again, sipping her coffee lost in thought. Suddenly she stood up and announced, "It has to be a mistake, I mean I'm not sick. I don't feel sick. It has to all be a mistake." With that she walked out of the den and went back upstairs to shower and begin her day.

When Will came down the stairs later looking like death warmed over, Leah was already dressed and out working in the yard. James was back on the computer.

"How is she this morning?" he asked James.

James shrugged, "I don't know, I think maybe she is in denial."

"Figures. She's great at that. She always could deny whatever she didn't want to deal with."

Will walked outside to where Leah was working in one of her flowerbeds. She looked up as he walked over.

"Hey. How was your trip?" she asked.

"Good. Got a lot accomplished."

"Great. Sorry I wasn't at the airport last night."

"S'alright. Why didn't you wake me?"

Leah was confused, "When?"

"Last night, you were asleep on the sofa. I fell asleep in the chair. When I woke up you were already in bed. Why didn't you wake me?"

"I don't know."

Will decided to drop it for now. "So you should call and have the surgery scheduled."

"Today is Saturday, Will."

"So. They'll be in this morning won't they?"

"I don't know, but the doctor said I didn't need to worry about it until later next week."

"Yes, but why put it off? The sooner we take care of this, the sooner it will be behind us." Will always was the practical one.

"I'll call Monday, okay? Besides, they will probably be calling me to say it was all a mistake anyway."

Will frowned, "Why do you say that?"

"Because, I can't have cancer, I'm not even sick."

"Leah," Will began.

"Leah nothing," she interrupted him. "Now can we talk about something else? Tell me about your trip."

The rest of the day, Leah refused to discuss her cancer with either Will or James. She went about her day as if it was no different than any other Saturday.

That night in bed, Will tried to broach the subject again, "Leah we really need to discuss this."

"Discuss what?"

"Leah."

"Will."

"Leah pretending it isn't there will not make it go away."

"I'm not ready yet," she whispered and that was all she would say.

James was in his room. He'd read over all the information he had printed off from the internet. Although most of the web sites he visited claimed that the odds of survival were really good, it was still cancer. His sister had cancer. The realization of it hit him. He got up from the bed and bolted to the bathroom where he emptied his stomach.

A few minutes later, he came out and lay back down on his bed. He realized that he really wanted to go get stoned, or drunk, or laid, something to take his mind off of what was happening to Leah. How selfish was that? This was about her not him. She was the one who was sick and he was worrying about what that meant to him.

Finally he reached for the phone, dialing the numbers he knew by heart.

"James, I told you I didn't want to hear from you," Jane said. She had caller ID. She figured he would be calling, drunk and begging her to take him back. She was ready for it.

"Jane, please don't hang up. I need a friend right now."

She was taken aback but the sound of his voice; he didn't sound drunk or high. She sighed, "James. What do you want?"

"Leah is sick," it was almost a whisper.

"What? James what's going on?"

"Leah has breast cancer," he said. She could hear the anguish in his voice.

"Oh James, I'm sorry. Is she okay?"

"No, she's not okay, she has cancer."

"I mean, what are the doctors saying? Will she be okay?"

"I don't know, she goes in for surgery in a week or so." Silence fell between them for a few minutes. "Jane, I'm scared."

Jane felt her heart melting. It was this James, the one that was sweet and caring, that Jane had fallen for. Not the one that was consistently chasing women around, not the one that broke her heart over and over.

"James, I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for Leah. But there is nothing I can do. I have nothing left."

"I'm sorry about Karen." Karen was the girl that lived across the hall, the one he had been screwing on the side. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, I never meant to hurt you." He was sincere. He didn't understand why he did what he did, but he never meant to hurt Jane.

"James, we have been through this before, I don't have it in me to go over it again. I'm sorry that your sister is sick, but I am hanging up now. Don't call me again."

Click.

James lay there for hours thinking about his life, what had happened all those years ago when his parents died and the only person he could rely on was his out-of-control sister. How he now managed to self-destruct whenever anyone got close to his heart. How he now tended to push people away. How he hated to be alone, but was afraid to let anyone in. Finally he fell asleep, but not before he vowed to get his life together.

"Will."

It was Sunday morning and the alarm clock on the headboard read 5:00 a.m. Leah hadn't been able to sleep. She had been staring at the ceiling for over an hour now.

"Will, wake up. Please?" She knew she was being selfish, that she should let her husband sleep, but she felt so alone. More than anything else she hated being alone.

"Will?"

"Hmm?"

"Will, I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?" Will was trying to wake up and understand what Leah was talking about.

"Afraid of the surgery. I'm afraid it will hurt."

He sighed, rolled over and pulled her into his arms. "They have pain meds, Leah. You will get all kinds of good drugs for the pain."

"But it will still hurt. And what about radiation, or chemotherapy? Will I lose my hair?"

He was always so sweet and so patient with her. "If you do we will get you a wig."

"What if I lose my breast? How will you be able to look at me?" Up until now, she had been talking calmly, now she was starting to get upset.

"Shh, Leah, I will still find you beautiful even if you lose a breast. And you can have reconstructive surgery. It will be okay." Will hated to see her upset, but at least she was talking about it, admitting that it was real.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this," she sobbed.

"What?"

"I'm sorry that I have to put you and James through all this."

"Leah, you have nothing to be sorry for, okay? It isn't your fault. It just happened."

She pulled back from his embrace. "I don't want Ryan to know."

"We have to tell Ryan."

"No. I don't want him to know, I don't want him to see me like that."

"Leah, you can't keep this from Ryan. He will find out and then he will be upset we didn't tell him. He has a right to know."

"I can't tell him, Will."

"It's okay, I'll tell him. It will be okay." Will stroked Leah's hair until he heard her breathing even out in sleep.

Later that afternoon James found Leah out on the deck.

"What are you doing?" She was sitting on the floor with an old turntable in pieces around her.

"I'm trying to get this record player to work."

"Why?"

"I want to listen to some of my old LP's"

James sat down beside her. "What's wrong with it?"

"The belt came off the drive. I can't get it back on."

"Here let me see." James took the turntable from her and started working on it. It didn't take him long to see it was a hopeless case.

"Leah, just go buy whatever album you want to hear on CD. This thing is a piece of junk. It can't be fixed."

She sighed and took it back from him, "Sure it can." She began trying to get the belt back on again. James watched her place the belt carefully on the drive for it only to slip back off as she placed the turntable wheel back in its place. After the fourth attempt and failure, Leah picked up the whole assembly and threw it off the deck. "Fuck!"

James reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off. "Don't touch me."

"Leah," he said softly.

"No. Don't touch me." She rose to her feet and stormed off toward the driveway.

"Leah?" But she didn't answer, just kept walking down the driveway and out to the lonely road that led up to their house.

James sighed and started gathering up the pieces of the turntable strewn all over the yard.

Will walked out onto the deck and said, "What's going on?"

"Um, I'm not sure. She just took off down the road."

Will looked at the broken record player in James' hands. "What are you doing with that?"

"Leah was trying to fix it," James said. Will nodded and then headed off after Leah.

He was out of breath by the time he caught up with her. "What's the rush?" he asked as he fell into step with her. She stopped. Just stood there breathing hard. "Leah?" She still didn't move or acknowledge him. "Leah?" He spoke a little louder this time. Finally she looked at him. He was taken aback by the anger he saw in her eyes.

"I just wanted to play a stupid fucking record." Then the tears started. Will gathered her into his arms as she sobbed and screamed and punched at his chest, letting out the rage she felt at being handed such rotten luck.

"This is so unfair!" she wailed.

"Shhh, I know."

"I don't want to do this! I don't want to have my tit cut off! To have to be radiated! To have to take drugs that will make my hair fall out, and make me feel like shit! I don't want to do this!"

"I know, I don't want you to have to do it either Dear, but we don't have a choice. We have to get the cancer out of you." Will's voice was so calm and caring.

Finally when the sobs started to recede she whispered, "Don't leave me Will. Promise me you won't leave. I am so afraid."

Will took her by the shoulders and pulled her back so that he could look into her eyes. "Leah, I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you." Then he smiled at her, "Now quit being such a drama queen. Okay?"

At that Leah couldn't help but smile. "I am not a drama queen," she said shyly

"No? Honey, you even give Ryan a run for the money on that title. Come on, let's go back to the house."

It was almost noon on Monday. "Where's Leah?" Will came out of his study looking for his wife. Usually Leah had been in pestering him about something by now. He found James in the kitchen fixing a sandwich.

"I haven't seen her. You want something to eat?"

"Um, no. You haven't seen her all morning?"

"Nope."

Will turned and went upstairs to their bedroom. There was Leah still in bed, with the covers pulled up over her head.

"Leah? Leah, wake up."

"Uhhh."

"Come on Leah."

"No, I'm tired."

"Leah you can't stay in bed all day. Come on, get up, and face this. We need to call the doctor and get things scheduled." Will knew this was the reason she was still in bed. Avoidance and denial had become her two favorite methods of coping since she had given up booze and drugs. "Leah. Come on. Up. Now."

Finally she got out of bed and went to take a shower. He was still sitting on the bed when she returned and started dressing. "You call them and schedule it okay?"

"I don't think I can, I mean, I think they'll have to talk to you."

"I don't know what to say, what questions to ask or anything. I feel like I am just along for the ride."

"Do you want to get a second opinion?"

"No, I trust Dr Moore. I've been seeing him forever; I trust what he says. But I don't know what to even ask. It is all happening to me and I just feel like I am this victim."

"So don't be a victim. James has done tons of research online. I have done a bit myself. What do you want to know?"

"See? That is it. I don't even know what to ask!"

Will knew it was more than that. Leah was afraid to hear what was happening to her. "Leah it's okay if you don't want to know. I can understand that. You know James and I have your back, right? But it might be less scary to you if you knew more about it, what it means, what the treatments are, what the odds are. They are in your favor, you know."

Leah sighed, "I just feel so helpless."

Will hugged her. "It's going to be okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise. Now let's go call and see when they can schedule you."

After the call to her doctor, Leah and Will went back downstairs to the kitchen. James was finishing his sandwich. Will went to the refrigerator and began pulling out ingredients to fix a salad for Leah and himself. James could feel the tension, but was afraid to ask.

Finally Leah spoke, "What have you found about an excisional biopsy?"

"You mean on the internet?" James sat back down at the table across from her.

"I have to go in Thursday afternoon for a consultation with the doctors. Friday morning they will do the surgery. I don't understand, is it a biopsy or not."

James studied her for a moment before speaking. "I think they call it a biopsy, but it isn't just to determine if you have cancer, it is also part of the treatment. They will take the lump or mass or whatever, plus some of the surrounding tissue. Also a few of the lymph nodes to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. Then they will decide what follow up treatment you might need."

"I didn't ask how long I would be in the hospital."

"My guess is a few days. If your surgery is on Friday then I would think you would be let out first of the next week, maybe sooner, probably sooner."

"Will I have to stay in the hospital for the other treatments?"

"I don't think so. I think it will all be done as an outpatient."

Leah nodded. Will was right. He and James would take care of her. Maybe she could get through this. Maybe they would get her though this.

"Friday seems like a long way off." Then she thought better of it. "I don't think I want Friday to get here."

That afternoon Will picked up the phone and called Ryan. "Ryan? Hey, how are you?"

"Fine Dad, what's up?" Will never called Ryan just to chat. If he was calling, there was a point to the conversation.

"Do you have plans tonight? I need to talk to you. I was thinking that I would come over to your apartment, is that alright?"

"Sure, we'll be home. What's going on?"

"I just need to talk to you."

"Dad, you're scaring me." Ryan didn't like the way Will sounded.

"I'll see you around seven?"

"Is Mom coming too?"

"I'm not sure yet. See you at seven then?"

"Yeah, seven. Dad?"

"Ryan, not over the phone. I'll see you tonight."

After Will hung up Ryan sat there at his desk, forgetting the text book he had been reading. Finally he picked the phone back up and dialed Eric's office.

"Eric, Dad's coming over tonight. Something is going on. I think it has something with Mom." Eric could hear the fear in Ryan's voice.

"Why? What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. That's just it. He said he needed to talk to me and would be at our apartment tonight at seven. He wouldn't tell me anything else."

"Well don't get yourself into a tizzy. We'll find out what it's about when he comes over tonight. Until then, don't borrow trouble." Living with a full blown drama queen had its unique challenges.

"I'm going to call Mom."

"No you're not. Ryan, don't make things worse. Okay? Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah," Ryan sounded resigned. "Okay, I'll wait."

What seemed to Ryan like years later, Eric buzzed Will into their apartment building.

"Ryan, are you okay?" Eric asked. Ryan had been bouncing off the walls since Eric got home from work.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Will knocked at their door. Ryan opened it and gave his stepfather, the only father he had ever known, a hug.

"Come on in. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine." Will was obviously as nervous about this as Ryan was. But at least Will knew what it was all about.

As they all sat down, Ryan couldn't help but ask, "It's about Mom isn't it?"

Will sighed, "Yes, it is." He paused before going on. "Your mother has a mass on her breast. The doctors are pretty sure it is cancer. She is scheduled for surgery this Friday."

You could have heard the proverbial pin drop. Ryan sat there on the sofa trying to comprehend what he had just been told. His mother was always the strong one, the tough one. He could not picture her being sick, it just didn't fit into the depiction he had of her.

It was Eric that finally found his voice, "How is she? I mean how is she taking it?"

"Not good. She didn't want you two to know. She wanted to somehow protect you from this."

Ryan chuckled, that was so his mother, trying to be tough, to protect him from the big bad world. He shook his head. "What is her prognosis?"

"Good, her chances of survival are good, they don't think it has spread. We won't know for sure until the surgery, but the doctor is very optimistic. She will probably have to have radiation and maybe chemotherapy, but she will be okay."

Both Eric and Ryan sighed. As bad as it was, it could be so much worse.

"How is James?" Ryan asked.

Will looked confused. "James?"

"James will probably have a harder time dealing with this than Mom."

Will nodded, Ryan was right. "Well so far, he's okay. He has been on the internet doing research on treatments and the like, but he seems okay."

Ryan knew better. It was only a matter of time before James fell apart, that he knew, just as he knew the sky was blue.

Later that night Eric and Ryan were getting into bed. "How are you doing?" Eric asked him.

"I'm okay. I'm worried about Mom, but she's tough, she will get through it." Ryan was quiet for a moment then added, "I'm not looking forward to this though. I think you are about to witness just how screwed up my family truly is."

Eric smiled, he already knew that James and Leah still had many issues yet to be worked out. Some times he wondered how Ryan ended up so well adjusted. "You should call her tomorrow. Let her know that you aren't afraid of her, or feel different about her."

"Why would I feel different about her? She's my mother."

"I know, but she'll convince herself that this will change everything."

Ryan thought for a moment. Yes, that is what she would do, convince herself that the world as she knew it was over. God, she was worse than any drama queen. He sighed, he would call her tomorrow; maybe he could get her to go to lunch.

© Melina Catts 2004

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