1982

James was asleep on the sofa when he heard them stumbling into the house. He opened his eyes to see Susan and Ann trying to help Leah into the house. They were half carrying her, half dragging her. Leah was stoned out of her mind, again.

"Shit," James said. "Here, just put her on the sofa, you two will never get her up the stairs."

"James!" Susan cried. She was almost as wasted as his sister. God, James hated his sister's new friends. They were loud, rude and all they wanted to do was get drunk or get stoned, or both.

"Shhh! Don't wake up Ryan, I had a hell of a time getting him to sleep tonight," James said. He ended up taking care of Ryan most weekends while his sister was either out getting drunk, or home sleeping it off. She would hold it together for most of the week, but come Friday she was out of control. James didn't mind watching Ryan so much, he was just a little over eighteen months old and a really sweet child, but he was worried about the pattern he was seeing in his sister. He felt she needed help, but was afraid if he said anything, he and Ryan would be taken away by SRS. Someone might call them thinking they were doing the 'right thing.' He had to hold the family together somehow.

He helped the two girls get his sister over to the sofa. Once he got them out the door, 'damn, did they have to be so loud?' he pulled off Leah's shoes, and placed a blanket over her, making sure she was sleeping on her stomach in case she threw up. God, he hoped she didn't, he'd rather change Ryan's stinky diapers than clean that up.

He turned off the TV and the lights, and then headed up to his bedroom, stopping on the way to check on Ryan who was still sleeping soundly.

At seven the next morning, James awoke to Ryan's cries. He stumbled into the child's bedroom. "Morning, Ryan. How are you today?" He picked him up and laid him over on the changing table to rid him of his wet diaper. James noticed that Ryan felt a little warm. "Hey Buddy. Are you feeling all right?"

After he got Ryan into a clean dry diaper, he carried the tot down to the kitchen to feed him breakfast. James sat him in the highchair and put a sippy cup of juice in front of him. Then he got out the box of Cheerios and placed a handful of the little round 'o's on the tray. Ryan took a sip of juice but refused to have anything to do with his usually favorite breakfast. "Hang on Ryan, I'll be right back." James went into the den where Leah was still asleep.

"Leah. Leah! LEAH!" She wasn't budging. "Leah, come on wake up. I think maybe Ryan is sick." Leah mumbled something unintelligible and rolled over.

James sighed and went back into the kitchen. Ryan was fussing, wanting out of the high chair. James lifted the child back into his arms and took him upstairs to the nursery. He held Ryan on his lap while sitting in the rocking chair. He had brought the cup of juice and kept trying to get Ryan to drink some. He was pretty sure that Ryan had a temperature. Finally not knowing what else to do, he carried Ryan into Leah's room and picked up the phone.

"Katy? I'm sorry to bother you so early, but I think Ryan is sick and I don't know what to do."

"James? Where's Leah?" Katy was trying to wake up.

"She's passed out, I can't get her to wake up." There was silence. "She was pretty drunk when they brought her home last night. I'm sorry Katy, I didn't know who else to call."

"No, James. That's okay. You did the right thing to call me. Is Ryan running a fever?"

"I don't know, I think so, he feels warm. He wouldn't eat any breakfast and I can't get him to drink much of his juice. He's fussy and keeps pulling on his ear."

"Okay. Keep trying to get him to drink juice or water, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Leah you have to get your shit together. Are you listening to me? You can't expect your fourteen year old brother to raise your son!" Katy had been at their house all morning. She had given Ryan some Tylenol and finally got him to eat a little and now he was asleep. It was close to eleven and she was determined to get Leah up.

"Leah? Leah! Wake up!"

Leah finally rolled over and opened her eyes. "What?" Her head felt like it was in a vice. She saw Katy and tried to sit up, but then the pain behind her eyes exploded and she fell back down on the couch.

"Leah, Ryan is sick. Now get your ass up and go take a shower. You need to either call his doctor or take him to the emergency room. I think it may be an ear infection."

Leah moaned, finally sitting up, "James, will you go make me some coffee?"

As James left the room, Katy tore into Leah again. "Leah, you have to get your shit together. You can't expect James to take care of Ryan full time."

"He's not taking care of Ryan full time. He just baby-sits for a few hours on the weekends. Why are you here?" Leah was confused. How did she get home? Why was she sleeping on the sofa? Why was Katy sitting in her den? They were still friends, but lately Leah had been hanging out more with Susan and Ann. Katy didn't care much for them.

"I'm here because James called me at seven-thirty this morning."

"Why did he call you? I was here."

"Because he couldn't wake you up. Ryan was sick and he didn't know what he should do."

"Oh," Leah was quiet. That last little bit of information took her back. Her baby had needed her and she had been too out of it to do anything.

"Leah, I love you, but you are partying way too much. You have to slow it down. You have a couple of kids here that need you," Katy said.

"I know. I will. I promise Katy, I'll do better." James came in carrying a cup of coffee for Leah. "Where is Ryan now? Is he okay?" she asked.

"He's asleep in his crib. I think it's just an ear infection, but he probably needs some antibiotics or something."

Leah nodded her head and went upstairs to shower.

Katy turned to James. "Why didn't you tell me her drinking was getting worse?"

"I don't know. I guess I was hoping she would slow down." He stood looking down.

"How long has this been going on?"

James shrugged, "Since the middle of summer."

Katy sighed, "Okay, from now on James, you call me any time. You hear me? I'll come get you and Ryan and take you to my house. You don't have to stay here and put up with this."

"But if I go to your house who will take care of Leah?"

"Oh James, you can't take care of Leah, Honey. She is going to have to take care of herself."

Leah came back down the stairs. "I called Ryan's doctor and he called in a prescription. James, you stay here while I go get it."

Katy spoke up, "No, you stay here Leah, I'll go get it. Give James a break."

"It's okay Katy, I don't mind," James felt as if he had gotten his sister in trouble.

"No. It's not, James. You should be out spending time with your friends not stuck here baby-sitting Ryan all the time. Leah, go take care of your son. James, go to the mall or something. I'll be back in a bit with Ryan's prescription." Katy said as she stormed out of the house.

Over the next few weeks, James noticed Leah was drinking less. She still went out most weekends, and she still came home a bit tipsy, but she was always able to walk in on her own. She no longer seemed so out of control. She was able to get up the next day and take care of Ryan instead of being too hung over to get out of bed. James was starting to hang out with his friends more, feeling that he no longer needed to watch over his sister and his nephew all the time.

Unfortunately, she seemed to have swapped one addiction for another. Sex was now her drug of choice. James was totally at a loss when it came to this. If he couldn't confront his sister about her drinking, there was no way he could discuss her sexual habits with her. At least this addiction didn't seem so destructive.

Katy had talked to him about Leah, about how she was struggling with so much responsibility, so early in her life. Leah clearly had trouble putting the kids' needs before hers. James tried to do more to help her around the house and with Ryan. He felt guilty he was so dependent on her.

"James?" It was Katy on the phone. "I haven't heard from you in awhile. How are things going?"

"Hi Katy, things are okay."

"Are they? Really? How is Ryan?"

"He's fine. Things are okay, really."

"How's Leah's drinking?"

"Um, better, she still goes out most weekends, but she doesn't come home so drunk most of the time."

"Most times?"

"Well, she's still drinking, but it is better. Really Katy, it is better, it's just now . . .," James paused.

"Now what, James?" Katy asked.

"Well she still hangs out with Susan and Ann, but they never bring her home anymore. It is always some guy."

"Some guy? Is she dating someone?"

"No, it's never the same one. They're usually gone in the morning when I get up, or they leave when they hear me get up with Ryan."

He could hear Katy's sigh over the phone. "But she gets up earlier on the weekends and usually isn't so hung over," James tried to put a better spin on it.

"James you know you and Ryan are welcome to come stay with me any time. You can come for the weekend and I'll bring you back Sunday."

"No, we're okay Katy. Really. Why don't you call Leah? Take her to lunch or something." James missed Katy being around. Susan and Ann tended to infantilize him. Katy talked to him like he was an adult.

"Maybe I will."

"Hi, Katy. Good to see you again." Katy and Leah were meeting at Leah's favorite Mexican restaurant.

"Hi, Leah. How are you?"

"Good."

"Hi, Ryan. God, he is getting so big. How is James?"

"Good. His grades are up this year, and he's starting to hang out with his friends more. I think his life is starting to get back to normal. He is so good with Ryan too."

Katy gave her a look. Some times she wondered if Leah ever listened to herself.

"I'm doing better Katy, I am."

"I know you are Leah, but I'm still worried about you. You're so angry."

Leah laughed, "Angry? I'm not angry."

"Honey, you are the poster child for passive/aggressive behavior. You internalize your anger into self destructive behavior."

Okay this conversation was starting to piss Leah off. "Well thank you Dr. Wilson. Please send me your bill."

"Oh Leah, don't get mad. So how's your love life?"

Leah studied her for a moment. "Why do I have the feeling you have been talking to James? Katy, I did not come here for one of your lectures or to sit here and be judged by you."

"I am not judging you Leah. I'm your friend. I only want to help you."

"Help me? How is that Katy? With all your psychobabble?"

"Leah you are so self-destructive, you need to find the source of all your self-esteem issues."

"Oh I think we know the source Katy," Leah was steaming now.

"I didn't invite you to lunch to fight with you. I'm sorry, let's start over okay?" This was not going to get them anywhere.

Leah sighed, she knew Katy was right, but she was dealing the best she could. "Okay, let's talk about you instead."

"Wow, you look nice Leah. Got a date?" James and his friend, Matt, were watching a movie on the VCR.

"As a matter of fact I do," Leah said.

"Really?"

"Don't sound so surprised."

"Well, it's just that you don't usually date guys, you just sleep with them." Ouch! That hurt.

"James! I can't believe you said that."

"Why? It's true."

Leah knew she wasn't going to find true love picking up guys in bars, but she also knew that not many guys were interested in hooking up with a ready made family. She came with too much baggage. She had given up on anything but a one-night stand. This was her life, it may be a mess, but she was doing all she could. She had cut back on her drinking and had quit doing cocaine and quaaludes. She still smoked a doobie now and again, but never in front of James. She was dealing with life the best she could.

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," James yelled as he ran for the door. He had to see who this loser was that was actually taking his sister out.

"Hi, you must be James. Um, is Leah here?" Will knew Leah lived with her younger brother.

"Yeah, um, come in." James opened the door to allow the guy in. As he walked into the entryway James sized him up. He was older than most of the guys Leah brought home. The way he was dressed James would guess he had more money too. Will had dark hair, dark eyes, and a mustache. James supposed he wasn't bad looking for an old guy.

Leah came back down the stairs carrying Ryan. "Hi Will. I see you met James. And this is Ryan."

"Hi Ryan," Will reached out and tickled the tot's tummy until Ryan gave him a grin. "He is a cutie, Leah."

"Thanks," she handed him off to James. "Don't eat too much junk tonight okay? You and Matt behave. I'll be home later." She kissed James on the check. He pulled away frowning, he hated it when she did that. Did she think he was still ten?

"James seems like a nice kid," Will said, on the way to the restaurant.

"Thanks, he is. He's been through so much the last few years. I am proud of how well he is dealing with everything." Leah had met Will a few weeks ago. They attended the same night class at the local community college. Slowly they had begun a friendship, he had finally asked her out just a few days ago.

"And you? How are you dealing?" Will knew the story, Leah had told him about their parents' death, her pregnancy, and Ryan's dad running out on her. He could only imagine being so young, with so much responsibility and no one to help, yet when she talked about her life she didn't complain. He could also see a damaged soul beneath all the bravado. Leah wasn't doing nearly as well as she wanted the world to believe.

"I am fine. I'm doing all right."

"Leah, the place is clean enough," James was complaining about spending his Saturday afternoon cleaning house.

"I don't want Will to think we are pigs." Leah stated. Will was coming over for the evening. They had been dating, although not exclusively, for a month now. Will had confessed he wasn't much of a 'going out' type of guy, instead he preferred to stay in, so Leah decided to invite him over for a quiet dinner, or as quiet as it could be with a fourteen year old and a toddler. She was now a nervous wreck, what if he couldn't handle the chaos of James and Ryan? What if he decided that he didn't want a girlfriend with all this baggage? He was separated from his wife and daughter, why would he want to jump into a relationship with someone who already had two kids? Yes, James was her brother, but her responsibility to him was no different than if he was her son. It was her greatest fear, no one would love her, or worse yet, love her but not be able to accept the kids.

Later that night right before Will was to arrive, Leah looked over at James as he was setting the table, "Be good tonight, please."

James smiled, "You like this one?"

"Yes, so don't fuck it up for me. Okay?"

The doorbell rang. "Why would I do that?" James batted his eyes innocently while laughing, as Leah went to answer the door.

"Come in Will, dinner is almost ready. Care for a drink?"

"Just a Coke would be fine," Will said. James raised his eyebrow. No alcohol? Maybe this one had potential.

They sat down at the table. Will engaged James in a conversation about basketball.

"Who's your favorite team, James?" Leah had told him that James lived for basketball.

"Um, I like the Lakers, and also the Celtics." Anyone who would talk about basketball couldn't be all bad in the boy's eyes.

After dinner, they went to the den to relax. James mentioned that the Celtics were playing on TV. Will asked Leah if she would mind terribly if they watched the game for a while. She smiled. She wasn't a big fan of basketball, but she knew that if James and Will could form a bond it would make her life much easier.

Will had left for home shortly after midnight. James had gone up to his room around ten thirty to give his sister some privacy. He was surprised when she came up the stairs alone.

"Where's Will?"

"He went home."

"Why? Did you piss him off?"

Leah laughed, "No."

"So why did he leave? I figured he would spend the night."

"Because of you and Ryan." Leah smiled.

"Me? What did I do?" James thought he had been very well behaved tonight.

"You didn't do anything. Will doesn't feel it's right to spend the night while you are here. He doesn't want to be a bad influence on you by sleeping with your sister while you are in the next room."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope"

"Did you tell him that none of the other guys seem to care if I hear you, or them?"

"No, I didn't. "

James smirked, "Oh yeah, I'm sure he thinks you are a virgin."

"Well, he doesn't think I am a slut."

James started laughing. He couldn't help it. He loved his sister to death, but she had been sleeping with three or four different guys a month for some time now. If that wasn't being a slut, he didn't know the meaning of the word. "So how are you going to keep him from finding out?" he asked.

Leah wrinkled her brow, "Finding out what?"

"That you are a slut."

"James I am not! Take that back."

"Leah, how many guys have slept in your bed in the last six months?"

Leah looked down and quietly said, "You don't understand."

"No I don't. I also don't care. But you're fooling yourself if you think that Will won't care either."

Leah didn't know how to respond. The fact that James saw her this way cut her to the core. The last thing she wanted was for her beloved baby brother to see how screwed up she really was.

Leah was out with her friends Ann and Susan, again on a Saturday night when she saw him. David. Ryan's father. The guy that stomped on her heart. He walked past her, looking her right in the eye, then looked away like she was a stranger. Her heart began to race. Was it really him? Maybe she had been mistaken. No, it was him; no one else had that effect on her. She felt faint, weak in her knees, her breathing had quickened, it was him, and he acted like she was a complete stranger. How could he just act like he didn't even know her? She turned around and walked up beside him.

"Hello David," she sounded so much braver than she felt.

"Leah. How are you?" He turned to look at her. His eyes still made her melt.

"I'm fine," she paused, "So is our son."

He snorted and took a drink of his beer.

"Don't you have any interest in him at all?" She could not understand how he could just dismiss his own child.

"I asked you to get an abortion, you chose not to, now it's your problem. It is not my concern."

"That is your reasoning?" Wow, he was unbelievable.

He didn't even acknowledge her question. He turned his back to her and walked off.

"Katy. Katy, open up." Leah was on Katy's front porch. It was shortly after midnight.

"Leah? What are you doing? Come in. Are you okay?"

Leah stumbled into the living room. "I saw him tonight," she slurred.

"Saw who?" Katy asked.

"David," she said as she started crying.

"Oh, Leah." Katy suddenly understood what she was seeing before her. "Come on Leah, sit down. Where did you see him?"

"At the club, and you know what?"

"What?"

"He tried to act like he didn't recognize me." It had been awhile since Katy had seen Leah this wasted. "But I went up to him. I wasn't going to let him off that easy."

"What did he say?" Katy wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Leah sobbed, "That since he wanted me to have an abortion and I didn't, it was not his problem."

"God, Leah he is a dick!"

Leah was quiet for a moment. "You want to know what's worse."

"What?"

"I'm still attracted to him. I saw him and I wanted him so badly. He could have had me without even trying. How fucked up is that?" Leah was starting to nod off sitting on the sofa.

"Leah, did you drive over here?" Katy was suddenly very concerned.

Leah looked at her puzzled, "I think so. Is my car out there?"

Fuck. "Leah what did you take?" This was more than just alcohol.

"Um, I got a 'lude from Tom before I left the club."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "How much have you had to drink?"

Leah sighed, "I don't know. Katy, I am such a fucking mess." She started sobbing again. "How can I still love that asshole? How can I still want him to love me?"

"Because Leah, he's the father of your child," Katy said quietly. "Here lay down on the sofa. I'll be right back." She went into the kitchen to get Leah some water.

"Leah, is James home with Ryan?"

'"Yeah, they're home." She started to get up, "I better get home, James will be worried."

"You aren't going anywhere, Girlie. Here, drink some water." Katy picked up the phone.

"Hello?" James sounded awake.

"James, it's Katy. Did I wake you?"

"Um, no. What is it? Did something happen to Leah?" She could hear the panic in his voice.

"No, she's fine, just had a little too much fun tonight. I think I want her to sleep it off here at my house. Will you be okay with Ryan all night? Do you want me to come get the two of you?" On the sofa Leah was sobbing and asking, 'why doesn't he love me?' James could hear her in the background.

"Katy, what's going on? Let me talk to Leah."

"Oh James, you don't want to talk to her. Let me take care of her tonight. Will you be okay with Ryan?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine, but tell me what happened, Katy, please?"

"She ran into David," Katy said it so quietly that James almost didn't hear her.

"David? As in Ryan's dad?"

"That would be the one."

"Shit!"

"Yeah."

"Is she okay? Really?"

"Yes, she just needs to sleep it off. Do you want me to come get you and Ryan or will you be okay by yourself?"

"We'll be fine. Take care of Leah."

"I'll take good care of her, I promise."

"I'm sorry Leah, I'll be out of town this weekend." It was a few days later, Leah and Will were at Will's house. He had asked her over for lunch. Leah wanted to make plans with him for the weekend.

"Again?" she was tired of his business trips.

"Yes, I'm sorry," Will said. He hated seeing the disappointment in her eyes. Something had to have happened this past week; she seemed extremely insecure. She had been trying to sabotage their relationship at every turn. He understood that she was afraid to trust him, she was afraid he would leave her when she needed him most.

"Are you sure that it's business?"

Shit. Where did that come from? "Um, yes, it's business. What are you implying?"

"Will is there someone else? If there is, just tell me okay?"

Will chuckled, "That's the pot calling the kettle black."

"What?"

"Leah, I'm not stupid. I know you're seeing other men. So don't get on any high horse, okay?" Will was trying his best to be patient with her, but lately she had really been pushing his buttons.

Leah stood there staring at him with her mouth open. "Um, you know?"

"Yes, I know. I'm not stupid."

"And you don't care?"

Again Will had to chuckle, "Yes I care. I would rather you didn't see anyone but me, but I wasn't sure you were ready to make that step."

Leah was so thrown; she didn't know what to say. He knew her deepest secret; he knew she was scared to commit to him. He knew that she was afraid to let herself fall in love with him, yet he didn't hate her for it.

As she stood there watching him toss the salad, she felt her resolve crumble.

"Leah? Hey, it's okay." Will saw the tears in her eyes, stopped what he was doing, and went over to put his arms around her. As she felt his embrace, she gave into the emotions that she had kept just below the surface for the last few days.

"I'm sorry, Will," she sobbed. "I am just so scared, and then I saw him, and he was able to trample all over me again and I just don't want to hurt anymore."

"Saw who, Leah?" Her crying was almost uncontrollable.

"David."

"What did he do?"

"Nothing, he just acted like he didn't know me," she sounded so defeated.

"Shh, Shh. It's okay." He held her while she cried it out.

After a while, her sobs began to slow down and she finally looked up at him. Her mascara had run down her face, causing him to grin. She was such a beautiful mess.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" she asked.

"About what?"

"About not wanting me to see anyone else," she whispered.

He spoke quietly back. "Yes, I meant it. I would like you to not see anyone but me."

"Okay."

"Okay?" He wasn't sure what that meant.

"Okay, I won't," she grinned at him.

"Good."

It was a Saturday night and Leah was snuggled up on the sofa with Will. They had spent the evening at his apartment enjoying dinner, conversation, and lovemaking. Now they were watching TV.

"You sure you don't mind staying in tonight?" Will asked.

"No, this was nice."

"I'm not much of a partier, Leah. I worry you will miss going to the clubs all the time and decide to dump me."

She turned so she could look him in the eye. "I'm not going anywhere, and as for the clubs, they're not all they are cracked up to be."

He smiled at her before leaning in for a kiss. "I've enjoyed talking with you tonight, getting to know you better."

"Me too," she smiled.

He admired her, she really did have a lot of responsibility dumped on her at a very young age and although she struggled, and had her share of issues, she was coping and James and Ryan were both doing really well.

"You probably should start thinking about going home." Will had yet to agree to let her stay over. She needed to be home with her boys.

"Yeah, I suppose so," she waited a beat, then asked, "Why don't you come with me?"

"Leah." They had been over this before.

"Will." Leah thought he was being a little too old fashioned, but she also thought it was rather endearing.

"You know I'm not comfortable staying the night at your place yet."

"It's not going to corrupt James to see you in your underwear in the morning," she teased. She knew she would never win the argument, but she had to try.

"Leah, we already had sex."

"That's not what it's about, silly. I want to sleep with you, wake up with you." She was smiling, knowing the guilt trip she was putting on him wouldn't work. It was almost a game between them now.

"We will, but not until my divorce is final." He smiled at her and kissed her forehead.

"Okay." She tried to pout, but he could see right through her act.

He chuckled at her unconvincing act and shook his head. "It's not gonna work, dear."

She sighed dramatically, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to go home alone then."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"You're still coming over for lunch?"

"Yep."

"'K."

"Just go ahead and break it off Will." Leah and Will were fighting again.

"Leah, I can be mad at you, I can disagree with you, and still love you. I don't want to break it off, but I don't agree with you on this." God, she could be so frustrating. She was always trying to sabotage their relationship. Any time he disagreed with her she saw it as the end of them. "I won't let you push me away. I know what you are doing. I understand why you keep testing me, to see how much I'll take before I'll bail, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not like that."

"Why not? Everyone else is," she was fighting back the tears.

Will sighed, "Leah, I love you, okay? Can we just drop this, please?"

"I love you too Will." She was quiet for a moment, "Will?"

"Yes?"

"Move in with me?"

Will smiled, "Not until my divorce is final." They had had this conversation before.

"I don't care if your divorce is final."

"I know, but I do. I want to do this right Leah." Will was old fashioned.

"Why is moving in wrong?"

"It is as long as I am married. When the divorce is final we'll talk about it."

"Please?"

"Leah, why the rush?"

"Because then I will feel like we are going to make it."

Will laughed, "You can't rush it Leah. We are either going to work, or we aren't, but either way you'll survive it. You are so afraid that I am going to leave that you go from pushing me away to suffocating me. Just relax and enjoy what we have."

Leah sighed as she snuggled against him on the sofa. "I'm trying."

"I know you are."

© Melina Catts 2004

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