1980 - 81

Christmas was really hard on them.

Leah tried to make it as easy as she could for James, but the first holiday without their parents just sucked. Both of them tried to hide how miserable they were from each other. Both were able to see through the other one's facade.

James woke up Christmas morning and headed downstairs. Leah was already up and fixing pancakes.

"Merry Christmas!" she smiled as he sat down at the table, but he could tell she had been crying. Their parents had been gone a little over six months now, but it was still tough on them.

"Merry Fucking Christmas."

"Come on James, we can't sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. Mom and Dad wouldn't have wanted that. Now come on, let's have some breakfast and go open presents."

After the breakfast dishes were in the dishwasher, they headed into the den. They had put the tree up only a few days before when Leah had finally insisted that they were going to 'do Christmas, damn it'. Leah sat down on the sofa while James went to get out the presents. Their parents' friends had been very thoughtful this year. Most of them had dropped by gifts for Leah and James, hoping to keep the holidays from being quite so empty. They had also received numerous invitations to Christmas dinner, but in the end, they had decided they wanted to stay home.

"Open this one first," James said, handing her a gift he had obviously wrapped himself.

"Okay," she said as she carefully tore off the pretty paper to find the beautiful baby book she had been eyeing for months. It had been in the window of one of those specialty shops. She had been tempted to buy it until she saw the price. "James! How did you know?"

James grinned sheepishly. "I asked Katy, she said that you really liked this one. I wanted to get you something that would be for you and for the baby." Katy and Leah had become good friends over the last couple of months.

"Oh, James. It is the perfect gift! Thank you." Leah had tears in her eyes. "Okay, you next."

"Which one do you want me to open first?"

"Hmm, well those three are from me, if you want to open mine first." Leah had gotten him a new watch, four music cassettes, and a journal.

"A journal? Wow." James' therapist had been having him write stories to help him sort out his feelings. Leah had read a few and was impressed with his ability to draw you into the tale.

"Yeah, I thought you might like to have something special to write all your wild adventures in."

"Aw Leah, this is so cool!" Leah was relieved. She wasn't sure when she bought it if James would like it or not.

They opened the rest of the gifts, which consisted mainly of impersonal items one would buy for someone they didn't know very well. It was still nice that their parents' friends had thought of them.

The rest of the day had a more somber mood to it as the two spent time with their own thoughts and memories. They both missed their parents desperately.

After dinner that night, Leah tried to get James to watch a movie with her, but he wasn't interested, staying alone in his room instead. Finally she went up to see what he was doing. She found him lying on his bed, just staring up at the ceiling. She knew from past experiences that this was a sign he was upset.

She knocked softly, "May I come in?"

"Yeah, sure."

She sat down in the chair across from his bed and asked, "Want to talk about it?"

"I was just thinking that Mom would have wanted to be a grandma. She would have been really pissed at you at first, but then she would have been really happy to get to be a grandma." Leah marveled at his insight.

"Are you sure you're only twelve?" she teased.

James smiled, "Thirteen in three months."

"I know what you are saying," Leah said softly. "I think about that too. Also about how this baby will miss out on having grandparents to spoil him. Do you remember Grandma and Poppy?"

"Yeah, but I was still pretty little when they died." They were both silent for a few moments.

"I just miss Mom and Dad so much!" James said, tears running down his face.

"I know you do Honey, I miss them too."

The next day Leah promised James that next year would be better.

Leah seldom heard from Sarah or Greg anymore. Things were just too awkward between them since they had remained friends with David. He was now living with a new girlfriend in the suburbs. A friend had told her when she first discovered she was pregnant that she would find out just who her friends really were and it would surprise her. Boy, was she right. People she thought would stick by her no matter what seemed to disappear and the people that were there for her now had only been casual friends before. Katy was a great example of that.

She had known Katy from cosmetology school. They had joked around in class and went out to lunch together, but Leah had never considered her a close friend. Now Leah didn't know what she would do without her. Katy was twenty, with a five-year-old son. She too had been dumped before she had given birth. Katy could understand what Leah was going through like no one else. She understood the pain and resentment, but she also understood that part of Leah still loved David. She always seemed to be there when Leah needed a shoulder to lean on.

Leah had asked Katy to be her labor coach. They had gone through Lamaze together and Katy's parents were on standby to take care of James and Katy's son Mickey when the time came.

"God Leah, if you get any bigger you won't fit through the door!" James loved to tease her.

"Fuck off," she still had a couple weeks to go. She didn't think she could be any more uncomfortable.

It was Saturday morning and for once they didn't have anything planned. Lately James' wrestling tournaments took up almost every Saturday. Leah was glad to be able to just stay home.

"I'm gonna go watch TV," James said as he walked out of the kitchen carrying a bowl, a box of cereal, and a jug of milk. Leah would have bitched at him about his eating habits but she was too tired to care. Her back had been hurting all last night.

Still in her nightgown, she got up to waddle in and watch TV with James. She got about half way there and suddenly felt a 'pop'. Before she had much time to wonder what it was, she felt wetness running down her legs. Oh shit! She waddled back into the kitchen and picked up the phone.

"Hello," a groggy voice said. Leah had obviously woken Katy.

"Katy, I think my water just broke!"

"Huh?" Katy was not a morning person, especially not a Saturday morning person.

"I think my water broke," Leah repeated.

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"Call me back when you decide." Click

Shit, she did not just do that! It was so like Katy to just hang up on her. Laughing, Leah dialed the number again

"Okay, let's say it did."

"Are you having contractions?"

"I don't think so, I don't know. My back hurts."

"Okay, I'll get up, take a shower, and be over in a bit, and then we'll go to the hospital. Okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Katy."

Leah went upstairs took a quick shower and got dressed. She gathered a few bath towels and took them with her into the den where James was watching TV. James was so absorbed in the cartoon he didn't even notice as she put a couple towels down on the sofa and sat down. She hadn't been there long when she began to feel the first contraction.

"Oh fuck!"

James looked up from the TV and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Go call Katy and tell her to hurry the fuck up!"

"Why? What's wrong Leah?"

"I'm having this fucking baby, that's what's wrong! Go. Call. Katy!"

"Oh fuck! Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay! Go Call KATY!"

"I'm going, I'm going. Do your breathing thing," James said as he headed to the phone.

He came back in a few minutes later. "There wasn't any answer."

"Okay, she's probably on her way. I talked to her about a half an hour ago." The contraction had passed and Leah was feeling better.

"Should I call an ambulance or something?" James was nervous being alone with a woman in labor.

"No, I'm okay. Katy will be here shortly." Leah lay back on the sofa and closed her eyes. She must have dozed off because suddenly she was aware that she was having another contraction. This one took her breath away.

"Ohhhh!" She couldn't help but moan.

"Leah, do your breathing thing," James had watched her and Katy practice it enough times.

After the contraction passed, Leah decided that she couldn't wait for Katy. "James, go call a cab."

"A cab? Let me call the ambulance."

"No! I don't need an ambulance, I just need someone to drive me."

James went back into the kitchen and tried Katy's number again. Still no answer. Deciding he didn't want to wait for a cab, he dialed another number he knew by heart.  "Mr. Peterson? This is James Morgan and I need to ask you a favor." The Petersons had been close friends of his parents; in fact they were the ones his parents were meeting for dinner the night they died.

When James came back into the den Leah was trying her best to do the Lamaze breathing she had been taught.

"I have your bag and coat by the door."

"Thanks. How long did they say the wait for the cab would be?"

"I didn't call a cab, Leah, I called Mr. Peterson. He should be here in about fifteen minutes."

Leah wanted to be mad, she hated asking her parents' friends for help. It made her feel that she wasn't able to handle things herself, but then another contraction hit and all thoughts of being mad were gone.

'Poor kids,' Larry Peterson thought as he knocked on the door. 'They've been through so much.'

"Come on in, Mr. Peterson. I'll go get Leah," James said opening the door. "Leah! Come on," he shouted as he headed back into the den. Leah was waddling toward him; he had to laugh.

"It's not very fucking funny!" Leah had lost all sense of humor.

"Yes it is. I wish you could see yourself." He couldn't help it, she was walking like a duck.

"Here let me help you. James can you get her coat?" Larry helped Leah get her coat on and walked her out to the car.

"I'm sorry about this, Mr. Peterson. My girlfriend should have been here by now. Something must have happened."

"It's no trouble Leah. Glad I was home. Do you need James to come stay with us while you are at the hospital?"

"Would you mind terribly?" Leah didn't want to leave James alone overnight.

Before Larry could answer James spoke up, "No! I want to stay at the hospital with you Leah."

"But James I might be there overnight."

"That's okay. I'll find Katy or something. I'll be okay. Please I want to be there at the hospital when the baby comes"

"James, why don't you call me later after the baby is born and I will come back up to the hospital and get you?"

"Thanks Mr. Peterson, but I think Katy will show up. I don't know what's keeping her, but she will find a way to be there for Leah," James replied.

"Okay, but if not, you call me. Deal?"

"Yeah, thanks."

They pulled up to the emergency entrance and James helped Leah out of the car.

"Do you want me to stay?" Larry wasn't sure if he should just go off and leave her there all alone.

"No, I'm fine, I'm already pre-admitted. They'll take me right up to the delivery room. James is right; Katy will be here soon. Thanks for giving me a ride."

"You sure?"

"Yes, it will be fine."

Leah waddled into the hospital and told the lady at Admissions who she was. They had her in a wheel chair and headed up to the sixth floor to delivery in no time. James was carrying her bag and trying to keep up.

When they reached the sixth floor the nurse showed James where the waiting room was. He sat down as he watched them wheel his sister through a set of swinging doors. He looked around the room. There was a TV playing cartoons, a rack of magazines, and a pay phone. He pulled out a quarter and dialed Katy's number again.

"Hello?"

"Katy? What are you doing?"

"James, where are you? Where is Leah? I've been calling your house!"

"We waited, but she was having pains so I called Dad's friend to give us a ride."

"You guys are at the hospital?"

"Yeah, what happened, Katy?"

"My freakin' car died about five blocks from here. I just called my mom to come get me. I'll have her bring me up there. Tell Leah I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Okay, hurry Katy!" James hung up and sat back down, just then Larry walked in.

"Hey kid."

"Hi! You didn't need to come up here," James smiled, he was glad to have someone with him.

"I couldn't go off and just leave you two."

"I got a hold of Leah's friend, her car broke down, but her mom is bringing her up. She'll be here soon."

"Good, well in the mean time I'll wait with you, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"How about a soda? I saw a vending machine down the hall."

Leah was settled in on the birthing table in her hospital gown. She was hooked up to monitors that were taking her vitals. The nurse examined her and announced she was dilated to two centimeters.

"Just two?" Leah whined. She was hoping to be further along. A few minutes later, the doctor walked in and looked over her charts.

"When did your water break?" he asked.

"Um, about eight this morning."

"And the contractions?"

"About a half an hour later."

"Okay, well, you are doing great. I'll be back to check on you shortly."

After he left, Leah asked the nurse if James could come back in with her for a few minutes. She was worried about him. It took some convincing, the nurse wasn't too sure a twelve-year-old boy should be in a delivery room with his sister.

"He's not going to stay. I just want him to see that I'm okay, just for a few minutes."

"Just for a minute or two," the nurse said as she went out to get him.

"Leah?" James peaked in the door.

"Hey Buddy. You okay?"

James chuckled, "I'm fine, you're the one having the baby. I got hold of Katy. Her car broke down, but she's on her way. And Mr. Peterson is out there with me."

"Good. Thanks James. You took good care of me." Another contraction started and Leah squeezed James' hand. Before the contraction had time to pass another nurse brought Katy into the delivery room.

"Oh God, Leah, I am so sorry!"

"She can't talk, she's having a contraction," James told her. Katy smiled at him; he was such a good kid.

"Okay, you go out there in the waiting room and I'll come get you as soon as your new little nephew or niece is born. Okay?"

James turned to his sister, "Leah, are you going to be okay?"

Her contraction was letting up. "I'm going to be great James. Katy will come tell you as soon as he is born." Leah always had referred to the baby as 'he'. She said she just had a feeling it was a boy. James hoped she was right.

"Should it be taking this long?" It had been over two hours and James was getting tired of waiting.

"James, babies take their own sweet time. It could be a long time."

"Really? Shit." James sighed.

Larry Peterson laughed to himself, "You want to go get something to eat or something?"

"No, I don't want to leave, but you don't have to stay with me. I'm okay, really. I just want to stay here, you know in case she needs me or something."

"Okay, how about I go and come back in a few hours to bring you something to eat?"

"Sure, that would be great."

"What would you like?"

"A Big Mac and fries?"

"I can do that. Okay then, I'll be back in a couple hours. I'll be around the house, so you call me if you need something before then. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Only seven centimeters?" It had been three hours since she had been brought in and Leah couldn't believe that was all she was dilated. The nurses acted like she was progressing quickly, Leah felt like it was taking forever. She just wanted for them to say she could start pushing so she could get this over with. It was hurting way more than she had signed on for, but she was determined to have this baby naturally. She had too many drug allergies and she was afraid of having a reaction to something they might give her.

Another contraction started and Katy started telling her to breath. Leah promised herself if she lived until the end of the contraction she would ask for drugs.

"You're doing good Leah, just breathe like we practiced."

The contraction started letting up. "Fuck off Katy." But as the contraction let go of her muscles Leah started telling herself she could do this, she didn't need drugs, it wasn't that bad.

When the next contraction started to hit her, Leah wondered what the fuck she had been thinking? She should have asked for the drugs.

"Here you go Tiger, Big Mac, fries and a Coke." Larry was back, it had only been an hour and a half since he had left, but he found he just couldn't sit at home with his best friend's kids up at the hospital alone.

"Oh. Thanks!" James tore into the food like he hadn't eaten in days, but then James always tore into food like he hadn't eaten in days.

"No word, huh?"

"Nope, nothing yet. You sure it usually takes this long?"

"Yeah, my wife was in labor for almost twenty hours with Tommy." Tommy was three years older than James.

"Twenty hours? Really? God I hope it doesn't take Leah that long."

"I need to push!" Leah could not believe how badly she needed to push.

The doctor talked to her calmly, "Not yet Leah, we need to check and see how far you are."

"Oh God, hurry the fuck up!"

"Okay, you're at ten. Now with the next contraction I want you to bear down with all you have. Use the handrails on the bed to pull yourself up. Okay?"

"Yeah," finally, at this point she just wanted this kid out.

"Okay, here comes the next contraction, Leah. Push! Push! Push!"

Katy grabbed on to her shoulders and helped her pull herself up as she pushed. "Oh God! It hurts!" Leah thought this would kill her for sure.

"You're okay, Leah. You're almost there. Push!" The contraction lessened and Leah lay back on the bed closing her eyes.

"Just a couple more, you're doing good." If one more person told her she was doing good, she was going to fucking hit them.

James couldn't believe it was taking so long. Mr. Peterson had gone home again. He had tried to get James to go with him, but James just couldn't leave his sister. He was tired of sitting here, but he just couldn't leave her. He did promise Larry that he would call if he needed anything. A couple hours ago a nurse had come in and brought him a pillow and blanket. God, did they think he was spending the night? He looked at the clock, it was almost four pm, he had been there since ten that morning. Surely, it wouldn't be much longer. He took the pillow and stretched out across the chairs.

That's how Katy found him, stretched out across the chairs and sound asleep.

"James? James? Wake up."

"Huh? Wha?" He opened his eyes, "Is Leah okay?"

Katy smiled, "Leah is fine, and you have a brand new little nephew. Want to go meet him?"

James beamed, "Yeah, can I?"

"Yep, come on, they're moving her into the room right now."

"Hey! You still here?" Leah smiled at him as he walked in her hospital room.

"Yeah, you took long enough," he grumbled. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, and look here. Come meet your nephew, Ryan James Morgan."

"Ryan James? After me?" James' name was James Ryan.

"Yep. You and Dad." Their father's middle name had been Ryan also. "Come say 'hello'."

"He's all red and wrinkled."

"Well, he just got born! If I remember right you were pretty red and wrinkled the first time I saw you too."

"Hey little guy," James smiled at the baby. "I'm your Uncle James and when you get bigger I will teach you how to ride a bike."

"Okay Sweetie, your sister needs to get some rest. I'll take you over to my mom's and you can entertain Mickey. Give Leah a kiss goodbye and I'll bring you back up here to see her tomorrow."

"When do you get to come home?" James was reluctant to leave.

"Most likely tomorrow or the day after, then Katy and Mickey will stay with us for a few days."

James frowned, "Oh boy, Mickey full time, I can't wait for that."

"Come on Hot Shot, tell your sister and nephew goodnight. Leah, I'll be back up in a few hours to see you. Okay?"

"We'll be here, won't we, my sweet, sweet Ryan?"

As James walked out of the room, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at seeing his sister with her baby.

There were some major adjustments for both of them over the next few weeks. Who would have thought a little baby could disrupt their lives so much? Leah was always tired and preoccupied with Ryan. James loved his nephew but he missed having his sister all to himself.

Leah tried to give James the attention he needed, but Ryan took up so much of her time, and when she did have a few hours while the baby napped there was housework to be done, laundry to be washed, meals to cook. Leah just didn't have the energy to spend much time with James. She watched helplessly as James became more sullen every day. She missed her parents so much; life would be so much easier right now if they were still here.

It was almost midnight and Leah was getting ready to go to bed after finishing up the laundry. Ryan was now close to three months old and sleeping a good part of the night. As she climbed the stairs, she noticed the light still on in James' room.

"Hey," she knocked softly on his open door. "What are you doing still up?"

"Just writing in my journal," he said. James was sitting on his bed with the journal she had gotten him for Christmas.

"Still writing adventure stories?" Leah came in and sat down on his bed.

"Sometimes, but sometimes I just write about us, about what is going on in this house."

"Oh, cool." James was still seeing the therapist, Leah had quit going. She didn't have time, plus she got tired of talking about how she felt. It didn't change anything, her parents were still dead, David had still dumped her, she was still alone. "So I bet you are not real happy about what is going on in this house right now." Leah had tried to talk to James before, but since Ryan was born he had refused to discuss much of anything with her.

"I miss us before," James said, not looking at her, but still down at his journal in his lap.

"Us before? Before Ryan was born?"

"Yeah."

"What do you miss about us before?" Leah was pretty sure of his answer, but she wanted him to say it.

"We talked more, did stuff together. It was more fun. Now it is just Ryan, Ryan, Ryan," James sighed heavily.

Leah was quiet for a moment before she answered. "I miss that too," she finally said.

James looked up at her. "Really?" He was surprised.

"Yes, I miss spending time with you. I miss sitting up watching TV and talking. And I miss going to watch you wrestle and play ball."

"You do?"

"Yep." Leah reached over and ruffled his hair. "It won't always be like this James. I'll get the hang of being a mom and a big sister at the same time. Ryan won't always need so much attention and it will be easier to take him along with us as he gets older. It will get better. I promise."

James nodded, looking back down at his writing.

"How about I ask Katy to baby-sit Ryan for a few hours on Friday and we go out to dinner and then go see that new movie, what's it called? ET?"

James smiled up at her, "Really? That would be cool! Can we eat at Mickey D's?"

"Mickey D's it is. I'll call Katy tomorrow and see if she can watch Ryan and if she is busy on Friday, I will see if maybe her mom will watch him. Okay?"

"Yeah." James got off the bed to walk over and hug her tightly, "I love you Leah."

"I love you too James. We will get through this okay? Remember that. We will make it. As much as I love Ryan, it doesn't change how much I love you. You know that right?"

"I know that Leah, I love Ryan too. I just miss getting to spend time with you, and I feel guilty for being jealous of a little baby."

"Okay, well then, let's make a point of spending more time together."

James smiled, "Okay."

© Melina Catts 2004