1980

Two months had gone by since the funeral. Both Leah and James were in therapy. It was helping some, but there were still so many issues to face. James still had nightmares and fears of abandonment. Leah not only had to deal with the death of her parents and her instant responsibility for her twelve year old brother, but also with her pregnancy and the rejection from the baby's father. It boiled down to two damaged souls trying to get through the day.

Leah had dropped out of school. She had missed too much between the funeral, dealing with James, and having morning sickness. There was enough money from their parents' investments to support them until she had the baby and made some decisions about their future. It was no longer just her. She had to think about James and the baby now, too.

James was back in school but his grades were down and he was getting into fights left and right. He was obviously acting out, angry and in pain. Leah was at a loss on how to help him.

So Leah was not surprised at James' reaction when she got a call inviting her out to a dance club one Friday night. He looked like he was close to a panic attack after she asked him if he minded her going out for a while.

"Why? Where are you going? Do you have to go?" James' eyes were huge and his breathing was becoming ragged.

"Hey, James, its okay! No, I don't have to. I was just going to go out with Sarah and Greg for a bit. It's okay, I'll stay home," she said. Leah couldn't stand to see him so upset.

"Please! I'm sorry, I know I'm being a big baby, but please don't go out tonight. Okay?" He was fighting back tears.

"Yeah, I'll stay home. Hey, let's watch a movie. Didn't you rent something yesterday to watch this weekend?" Leah tried to change the subject, to get him to calm back down.

James smiled at her, "Yeah, I rented Young Frankenstein"

"Oh, well then, 'walk this way,'" Leah said as she turned and limped off into the TV room like Marty Feldman does in the movie.

"Freak!" James laughed, following after her.

"Hey Leah, Greg and I are going out to DJ's tonight, want to come with us?" It was a few weeks later, Sarah was trying to get her friend to get out of the house. She knew DJ's was Leah's favorite dance club.

"Oh Sarah, let me call you back," Leah wanted to go out for a bit, but she was afraid of James' reaction. On the other hand he needed to get past this, to not be afraid to let Leah out of his sight.

"James? Hey! How are you doing?" Leah found him up in his room working on some homework. He was starting to do a little better in school.

"Good, just finishing up my math."

"Hey James, Sarah just called, they are going out to DJ's for a couple of hours. I was thinking I might go out for a bit," Leah looked at her brother tentatively.

"Why?" James was panicked again. "Why can't we just watch a movie or something? Why do you need to go out?"

"James, I'm just going out with my friends for a few hours, it is no big deal," Leah feared a pattern was starting here. She had to get James used to staying by himself again. She couldn't be a prisoner in this house.

"Fine!" he shouted, "Go out with your friends then! I don't care. Go party your ass off. Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine." The anger in his voice thinly veiled the panic he felt.

"James, it's not a big deal. You used to stay home by yourself when Mom and Dad went out."

"Fuck you!" he shouted, "Just fuck you!"

"You ungrateful little shit." Now Leah was getting pissed too. She turned and stormed off to her room to call Sarah back and to get ready to go.

Once she had changed clothes, she came back down to James' room to say goodbye. His door was closed, when she knocked he just turned up his music. Augh! He made her so mad sometimes. She headed out the door.

At the club, she found that she felt out of place. She couldn't drink and she felt so fat compared to the other girls. She was starting to show, but not enough to tell she was pregnant, just enough to look like she had gained a few pounds. This place had been her favorite when she and David were dating. Now it just seemed haunted with memories. After about an hour or so she started feeling guilty over James. She begged off to Sarah that she wasn't feeling well and headed home.

When she got home, she headed upstairs to James' room. His door was open and she could hear his music playing, an old Alan Parson's Project album, one of her all time favorites. She peeked in his room to find him lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. It was evident that he had been crying.

"Hey," she said softly, walking into his room and sitting down on his bed.

"Hey," he looked at her with his big sad eyes. "Did you have fun?"

She grinned, "Not really."

"Good," he smiled back. "Sorry I dropped the "f' bomb on you." He closed his eyes as he apologized.

"S'kay. I know you didn't mean it."

"I'm just afraid Leah, I know I'm being a big baby, but I'm afraid I'll lose you too," he started to cry again.

"I'm not going any where, James." She gathered him up in her arms and let him cry.

"You are all I have Leah. What would happen to me if you got in a wreck or something?"

"Shhhh, James. Nothing is going to happen to me."

"You don't know that."

Leah gave him a kiss on the top of the head and got up out of bed. "Get your pjs on, I'll be right back." She went down stairs to get James some milk.

When she came back into his bedroom James was in bed under the covers. He had turned the album over on the turntable.

"Here you go, sweetie." Leah handed him the glass of milk. "You can't worry about what might happen, honey. We can't control everything. Sometimes you just have to trust that things will work out."

James drank the milk. "I know," he said quietly. "Will you stay in here with me? Just until I go to sleep? Please?"

James hadn't asked this of her in quite a while. He was trying to move on, he was "okay," she said sitting down in the chair across the room. How could she deny him? It was partly her fault he was so upset anyway. She leaned back in the recliner, closed her eyes, and listened to Alan Parson sing about a Secret Garden.

She awoke in the chair a few hours later with James crying out in his sleep. Jumping out of the chair, she rushed over and shook him awake.

"James. James. Wake up, honey," she spoke quietly trying to keep her voice calm.  

James sat up, his eyes bulging out of their sockets, his breathing ragged. "Leah?"

"Shhh, I'm right here. It was just a dream. It's over sweetie." He clung to her like he had in the hospital emergency room the night their parents had died.

"It was your blood Leah! I turned and looked in the front seat, you were sitting up there in between them. It was your blood that was all over me. I thought it was Mom's but it was yours." James was crying so hard she could barely make out what he was saying.

"Shhh, James, it wasn't me. I'm here. I'm okay, honey," she sat rocking him back and forth until his ragged sobs started to ebb away and her back began to ache. "Come on," she got up and helped him out of bed.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm going to give you one of those pills your doctor prescribed for when you can't sleep and then we're going to go get into Mom and Dad's bed." It was something she found comforting when she missed her parents, to sleep in their big bed, like she had done when she was a little girl and afraid of the boogieman. They both crawled into the big queen size bed.

"Can we turn on the TV?" James asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"What's this mean? 'Dr. Moore 2 PM Thursday,'" James asked. It was a few days later and James was standing in the kitchen looking at the calendar on the wall by the phone.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Moore on Thursday. What do you think it means?" It seemed obvious enough to Leah.

"But what for?"

Oops! Was she ready for this yet? She hadn't told James she was pregnant. "Women stuff," that was true, and hopefully would pacify him.

"But you were just there last month. Why do you have to go back again? Are you sick?" James had that look in his eyes.

Here we go again, "No I'm not sick."

"Then why do you have to go back?" James still had this irrational fear of losing his sister.

Leah sighed, "Because I'm pregnant."

James stared at her for a few moments. "You're what?"

"I'm pregnant."

"How?"

Leah looked over at James. "Oh please tell me that Mom had 'that' talk with you already," she was trying to lighten up the mood.

"Of course," he rolled his eyes, "I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend."

"Well I did when I got pregnant."

"You did? When?" James was still shaken, he wasn't sure being pregnant was better than being sick.

Leah sighed again, "James, I got pregnant before Mom and Dad died. I hadn't told them yet. My boyfriend, David, hit the road when he found out. I guess he didn't want to be a daddy." She was so bitter over him that she had trouble even talking about it.

"So you're going to have an abortion, right?"

"Um, no, I'm not." Leah was surprised he even asked that question.

"What are you going to do then?"

"Have the baby and raise him."

"You can't," James cried. "You can't walk around pregnant! Everyone talks about us already, and now they'll see you're pregnant!"

"James, since when do you care what everyone else thinks? It's not that big a deal."

James just stood there looking at her. How could she do this to him?

"Slut!" he shouted at her and fled the kitchen, running upstairs to his bedroom and slamming the door.

"Okay, well, that didn't go as planned now did it?" Leah said to herself.

For the next week, James would barely speak to her. He spent most of the time up in his room with the door closed. Leah let him have his space, hoping he would come around on his own. Then she got the phone call from the school.

"Ms. Morgan?"

"Yes?"

"This is Mr. Haddock, I think you should come up to the school and get James." Mr. Haddock was the principal at James' school. He and Leah had spoken on the phone numerous times.

"What happened? Is James okay?" Oh shit! What did he do now?

"James is being suspended for the next three days for fighting and for being intoxicated, Ms Morgan."

"Intoxicated?" She had been called about a few fights and some failing grades on some tests, but this was new. Where did he get the alcohol?

"Yes, he won't say where he got the alcohol or what he drank. But he is obviously drunk; he reeks of alcohol. He proceeded to get into a fight with a fellow student. Now I know that James is going through a tough time right now, and I feel we have been very patient with him, but I cannot ignore this. Is he still in therapy?"

"Yes he is."

"Well maybe you should see that his therapist knows of this. Anyway, please come pick him up soon. We currently have him in with the school nurse."

"Yes, I'm on my way." Shit! What the hell was she going to do now?

They didn't speak the whole drive home. Leah was so angry she couldn't talk. Of course, the school asked her about having alcohol in the home. She wasn't old enough to buy anything except beer. James still wouldn't tell them what he drank or where he got it.

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe this was a mistake thinking she could care for James. Maybe she should talk to social services about finding him a foster home. She didn't know how to deal with him. She didn't know how to help him.

When they got home, James went straight to his room and closed the door. Leah waited a few minutes and then went to talk to him. When she opened his door, he was asleep on his bed, on top of the bedspread. She went over pulled off his shoes, covered him with a blanket, turned off the light, and went downstairs.

A few hours later James awoke with a headache. His mouth felt like it was full of sand. He padded down to the kitchen to get a drink of water and found Leah sitting at the kitchen table crying softly. James didn't need to ask the cause of her tears.

"Um. I'm sorry, Leah," he filled a glass with water from the tap.

"Yeah? Where did you get the alcohol?" she asked, knowing the answer.

He sat down at the table across from her. "From Dad's liquor cabinet in the basement. It was only a couple of sips. It tasted awful."

"You know that if you don't quit acting out they will say that I can't handle you and split us up," she didn't know if it was true, but maybe it would shake James and get him to straighten up.

James sighed and sat down at the table with her. "I guess I hadn't thought of that."

"Is all this because you're mad at me for getting pregnant?"

"No."

"Are you sure?" Leah doubted she could get him to admit why he was acting out, she wondered if he even realized what he was so angry about.

James surprised her. "Okay, yes it is."

Okay, maybe therapy was doing more good then she thought. "Okay so be mad at me, yell at me, whatever, but don't take it out on the kids at school. You're only hurting yourself you know."

"I know. I'm sorry, it was stupid I know."

"Well since you're home for the rest of the week I scheduled therapy appointments for you all three days." Leah was getting upset again, "James you have to get your head out of your ass and help me out here. I don't know what the fuck to do." The tears were starting back up.

"Don't cry Leah, I'll be better I promise. I'm sorry. Don't cry," James didn't know how to handle her tears. She was always the one that was strong for him. It scared him to see her vulnerable like this. He went to her and hugged her tight. "I promise, Leah, don't cry."

Leah pulled back wiping her tears. "I'm sorry I got pregnant James. It was an accident, but it happened and now I have to deal with it. I have already made the decision. Besides, would if be so bad to be an uncle?"

"Uncle?" It had not occurred to him.

"Yeah, you'll be Uncle James. That won't be so bad will it?" Leah tried to smile at him.

"Wow, an uncle huh? Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad." James hugged her again. He still wasn't happy about having to share his sister with a crying baby, but he had to do what he could to help her, he guessed. The thought of them being split up had scared him.

As the next few weeks went by, Leah noticed some major changes in James; he was starting to be 'James' again. He had been forced to grow up a lot in the last few months, but he was starting to be just a twelve-year-old boy again. He still got into an occasional fight at school and still argued with his teachers too often, but he was starting to heal. The nightmares still came, but they came less often. Maybe the worst was behind them. Leah could only hope.

© Melina Catts 2004