2000

James awoke the next morning feeling a bit melancholy about being home again. He knew that he had been unfair to Jane. He wanted to call her and tell her, but she had requested that he leave and not contact her for at least a week. She explained that she needed to sort out her feelings. James was pretty sure he knew what she was feeling.

When he finally emerged from his bedroom, he found Will already in his study, hard at work and Leah sitting out on the porch enjoying the sun.

"Morning, James, or should I say afternoon?" Leah teased.

"Hey. Is there still coffee?'

"Should be, go help yourself."

James returned a few moments later coffee in hand.

"Want to talk about it?" Leah could read him like a book.

"Hmm?"

"Want to tell me about it? You and Jane?"

"Oh, same ol' same ol' I guess. She says I'm too critical of her, expect too much, want too much, don't give enough." There was more, he wasn't sure he wanted to tell it.

"And you say?"

James sighed, "She's right." He sipped his coffee for a few moments. "I know I'm fucked up Leah. I'm just not sure how to get unfucked."

"Oh James, you aren't fucked up. You just haven't met the right person yet." Leah had never thought Jane was good enough for James. There was no reason really; Leah had never thought anyone was good enough for her baby brother.

James snorted at that, "Yeah, right. So anyway, I have been banished here and told not to attempt to contact her for at least a week."

"What? You're kidding. What's that all about?"

"I fucked up, that's what it's about."

"James I don't know what you did, but I am sure it wasn't as bad as all that." Leah couldn't imagine James had done anything to warrant being asked to leave like that.

"I cheated on her." There, he said it.

"You what? Why?"

"I cheated on her. She caught me. She asked me to leave. Pretty simple really. As for why? I don't know. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did."

Leah didn't know what to say.

James finished his coffee. "I'm gonna go take a shower," he announced and headed back into the house leaving Leah to ponder the fact that for once she had to agree with Jane.

Later that afternoon, Leah was going over what she wanted to have for dinner that night. Ryan and Eric would be there around seven and she wanted to have Will grill some chicken, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to fix with it.

The ringing of the phone brought her out of her thoughts.

"Hello"

"Mrs. Allen please"

"This is she."

"Mrs. Allen, this is Dr. Moore."

"Oh yes, Dr. Moore, How are you?" He was her GYN. Leah had recently had her annual checkup. She mentally started counting off the things he could be calling her about.

"I'm fine, thanks. Mrs. Allen I have some concerns over the results of your last mammogram. I would like to schedule you to come in for another exam."

"Um, oh, okay," Leah's mind was racing. Concern over her mammogram? What did that mean? Cancer? Oh God did she have cancer?

"I would be available to see you Friday at three. Would that work for you?"

Today was Tuesday. "Um, yeah. Um, yes, that would be fine. Just come to your office?"

"Yes, this will be a consultation. I will review the mammogram with you and we can discuss your options."

Options? Were there options? "Okay, I'll be there."

Leah hung up the phone and sat down. How could this be happening? What did it mean? Friday seemed light years away. How could she wait until Friday to know what was happening to her? She got up to tell Will, got about half way to the study and stopped. Wait, she thought. What was she doing? She couldn't tell Will. He had that business trip to Phoenix on Thursday. If she told him then he would feel he needed to cancel it to go with her to the consultation. She knew this trip was an important one. If she waited until he got home Friday night, then she would at least have something to tell him. She would know more then, besides Ryan and Eric would be there in a few hours. She wanted tonight to be fun, to cheer James up. He had enough problems right now, he didn't need to have to deal with hers too. No, she would just keep it to herself for now. It was probably nothing anyway, probably just a shadow or something wrong with the x-ray.

"Hi Mom, we're here," Ryan shouted as he came in the door. Eric followed carrying a cake they had brought for desert.

"Ryan!" Leah gave him a hug and he kissed her check. "Eric, it's so good to see you." She turned to hug Eric, "Oops, let me take that from you." She set the cake on the counter and then gave Eric a hug too.

"Where's James?" Ryan inquired. Ryan was tall like his uncle. They shared many of the same features. Ryan had lighter hair but they could easily be mistaken for brothers.

"Downstairs watching TV. Go down there and see if you can cheer him up a bit. He's driving me crazy mopping around over Jane. Better yet, go down there and tell him to get his ass up here and help."

Ryan headed downstairs to retrieve James; Eric came over to the counter and offered his help. As he was cutting up veggies, he and Leah made small talk. Eric was a pretty man. Ryan had always gone for the androgynous type. He had sparkling clear ice blue eyes and blond hair that was almost white.

"If you wanted help why didn't you just say so?" James came walking into the kitchen. "What do you need me to do?"

Leah got everyone involved in getting the side dishes ready. Will came in and asked if it was time for him to start the charcoal.

"I think so," Leah said.

"Walk out with me," Will requested. Leah looked around the kitchen. She couldn't see a reason to say no. The boys had it all under control.

"Is everything okay?" he asked when they were outside on the deck.

"Why do you ask?" Leah knew she wasn't very good at hiding things from him.

"You just seem distant today."

"I suppose I am worried about James." It was true, she was worried about James.

"He is a big boy Leah. He makes his own mistakes; let him clean up his own messes." Will resented that James still relied on Leah so much. He was also a bit possessive of Leah's attention, although he would never admit it. He and James were very much alike when it came to Leah.

"I know, but I still worry." She was relieved he wasn't pushing it more. She just wasn't ready to say anything about the call earlier. Besides, it had to be a mistake, right?

"I'll go in and get the chicken breasts for you."

Dinner was over. The five of them were sitting on the deck talking and enjoying the evening air. The food had been great; the company had been great. It was a good time.

"Anyone want a beer? Wine?" Will asked, getting up to go into the kitchen.

"I'll take another," James had been keeping a mild buzz on all day.

"I'll just have a soda thanks. Ryan and I will need to be going home before too long. Ryan has an eight o'clock class."

"Ryan? Leah?"

"I'll take some wine," Ryan said. Eric would be driving home.

"I'll come help you." Leah got up to help Will with the drinks.

As soon as the door to the house closed Ryan cut to the chase, "So what did you pull on Jane this time?"

"Why are you so sure I did something?"

Ryan gave him that look, the one with his right eyebrow raised.

"She caught me with the girl who lives across the hall," James said very softly.

"Pfft. James you are a bastard, you know that, right?" Ryan tended to call them as he saw them.

"Yeah, I know," James answered subdued.

Will and Leah returned with the drinks. "Are you still writing your book, James?" Will inquired.

"Um, yeah. I am. It's coming along quite nicely, thanks."

Will seriously doubted this book would ever see a publisher. In fact, he doubted it even existed. Will was pretty sure James just used it as an excuse for not getting a 'real job' instead working as a bartender, a waiter, a bouncer, a roadie, Will had lost count of the pointless jobs James had held.

Will noted that Leah wasn't rising to James' defense as she usually did. She seemed a bit preoccupied this evening.

"Are you okay Mom?" Ryan also noticed that Leah was quiet tonight.

"I'm fine, dear. Why do you ask?"

"You're just quiet."

"Oh, maybe I am a bit tired today. But I'm fine really."

A few hours later, Ryan and Eric had gone back home and Will had headed off to bed. Leah and James sat downstairs in the TV room. James was on his sixth or seventh beer; he had lost count. Leah was feeling no pain either, still sipping on wine.

"Remember when you use to come home for the weekend to baby-sit me for Mom and Dad?" James was feeling more than a bit maudlin, "I always loved those weekends."

Leah smiled, "You did? Funny, I don't remember them quite that fondly."

James smirked, "What? You didn't like having to give up your weekend of fun to come home and play with your bratty brother?"

"You weren't that bad. Besides, Mom and Dad paid pretty well."

"They paid you?" James was a bit hurt by that news. They had to pay her to come stay with him?

"Of course they paid me, silly. You didn't know that?"

"No, I guess I just never thought about it."

"Does that change anything?"

"No. I suppose not. You would always let me stay up late and watch TV with you."

"It didn't take much to impress you did it?" she teased.

"What was it like when you lived here? I don't remember very much before you moved out. I was what? Nine?"

"I don't know. I don't remember being unhappy. I remember Daddy sitting down here watching TV in the evenings, Mom sitting over there sewing or reading. I think I was happy."

"So what happened? Why did you have to leave?"

"Oh James. Do you really want to dig all that up?"

"Yeah, I want to know. You've never given me a straight answer. What happened?"

Leah sighed. She hated to think about that time in her life. They weren't the most pleasant memories. "Well Dad wasn't crazy about this guy I was seeing. The guy was a loser I suppose, but I couldn't see it then. Who knows? Maybe I thought it was love or something. All I could see was Dad trying to control my life. I think Dad knew I was sleeping with him. I don't know for sure, but I think he convinced Tami's mom to let me live with them and get me on the pill to save having to tell Mom what was going on. I don't know that, but I've always suspected."

"So he really did you a favor."

"Oh most definitely. Mom would have freaked, she wouldn't ever have agreed to put me on the pill. I would have ended up pregnant by some loser and married at fifteen."

"I remember hearing them fight after you left. She was so angry with him. I couldn't understand why he was doing that to her. I couldn't understand why you just couldn't come home. I remember for a long time I was afraid that they would send me away too."

"Oh James, no. I'm sorry; I had no idea. I never thought of how it affected you," Leah was horrified. "Did you ever ask them? Didn't you ever ask them to explain it to you?"

"I finally asked Mom once. She grounded me for something and I asked her if I would have to go live somewhere else too. I remember she cried when I asked her that. She sat down on my bed and sobbed. That maybe even scared me more."

Silence fell between them, each lost in their own thoughts for a moment.

"I still dream about that night," James stated quietly.

"About the wreck? Really?"

"Yeah, not that often, maybe two or three times a year, but yeah, I still have nightmares."

"Oh James, I'm sorry," Leah didn't know what else to say.

James sighed and laid his head back on the headrest of the chair. He stayed like that with his eyes closed. Leah thought he had fallen asleep or passed out.

"Remember Taz?" he asked, not opening his eyes or raising his head.

Leah laughed, "That cat we had? The black one you found when Ryan was about six months old? She was a crazy thing wasn't she?"

James smiled. "Remember how she used to sit on the coffee table and howl at Will when he first moved in?"

"Oh God!' Leah laughed. "She would get up there on the table and tell him to pack his bags. That cat didn't like Will one bit." She hadn't thought about that in years.

"Meooowwwrrrr," James mimicked the cat perfectly.

"If I remember right she wasn't the only one that wanted Will to pack his bags." James had been equally upset by this person in his home, taking his sister's attention away from him. It had been hard enough on him when Ryan was born, Will seemed like the ultimate betrayal to him.

"I have put you through some shit haven't I?" James still hadn't moved in the chair.

"You have been through some shit," Leah stated.

Silence again fell between them. Leah watched James as he drifted off to sleep. As she sat there on the sofa she wondered how she would tell Will about the upcoming doctor's appointment and wondered to herself why she was so afraid to tell him. Then it occurred to her. To tell Will, to actually say it, would make it all too real.

With that knowledge, she got up, covered James with a blanket, and headed up to bed.

© Melina Catts 2004