2000

It was Leah's third month of chemotherapy. She had been getting steadily sicker and sicker. James and Will had each spoken with her doctors about reducing the dosage of her chemotherapy. The doctors insisted it was necessary, so they watched as Leah grew weaker and weaker and became more and more depressed. Even Megan was beginning to worry over just how the treatments were affecting her.

Will had finally stepped up and was more active in Leah's care. He and James seemed to find a balance. James still took her into the hospital for her treatments. He still spent most of his days taking care of her while he tried to keep up with his writing, but Will took over in the evenings. Every evening Will would fix her something to eat and bring it up to their bedroom. He would then shoo James off and care for Leah the rest of the night.

Most evenings, James would go over to Megan's and spend a few hours. Or he would take her out to a nice quiet restaurant. Megan was relieved that Will had begun helping out. James was beginning to look more rested. The circles under his eyes were fading. He was still slow to laugh and anyone could see he was still worried over his sister. But at least he wasn't taking on the burden of her care all by himself.

It was Wednesday and James had taken Leah in for a treatment that morning. That afternoon she had slept for three hours while James had spent the time working on the rewrites his editor had been asking for. The novel was due to be published before the end of the year. Leah was awake now and lounging on the sofa while watching television. Patches was in her usual place, curled up next to her mistress.

Will came out of his study. "Hey Leah, how are you feeling today?" He thought she looked a little pale.

"Not too bad. Maybe a little more tired, but that's all." Meaning she hadn't been puking all afternoon.

"Ready for something to eat?"

Leah wrinkled her nose. Food seldom sounded good anymore. "Maybe just some toast."

"Toast?" Will was not going to let her get away with just eating bread. "You need something with a little protein. How about a grilled cheese sandwich? Or some scrambled eggs?"

She sighed. Eating had become a chore. "I'll try to eat a grilled cheese."

"Where's James? In his room?"

She nodded and Will went to see if he would be joining them for dinner or if he had plans with Megan.

"Hey. James." Will stuck his head in James' bedroom.

James had his nose in his laptop, so engrossed in his work he didn't even hear Will.

"James," Will tried again.

Finally, James stopped typing and looked up. "Hmm?"

"Are you going to Megan's tonight?"

"No, she has some Continuing Ed class. Why?"

"Just wondered. I'm getting ready to fix some thing to eat. Are you hungry?"

James seemed distracted, "Um, no. I'll get something later."

After Will had practically force-fed Leah half of the grilled cheese sandwich, she announced she was tired and wanted to go back to bed. He got her settled in with a book and her cat and went back down to the den. Will had taken to spending a lot of his free time researching treatments for cancer and their different side effects. He was becoming more and more convinced that Leah should not be this sick.

James came into the den and sat down to watch TV. "Where's Leah?"

"In bed."

"Find out anything new on there tonight?" James asked. He had been the one combing the internet a few months ago when Leah had first been diagnosed.

"No, nothing that I haven't read before." Will pushed back from the computer. "Did you ask Megan about that article I found on Tamoxifen?" Will kept finding articles questioning the safety of the drug his wife was on.

"Yes, but she assured me that the benefits far out way the side effects."

"I hope she's right."

Upstairs Leah was lying in bed reading with Patches curled up at her side. She was starting to feel nauseous and wished she hadn't let Will force her to eat so much of the sandwich. Her stomach had been hurting more lately and she had been having more heartburn. She knew she should talk to her doctor about this, but he would just want to give her another pill. Leah was tired of taking pills. So instead she kept sipping on her water, hoping the nausea would subside.

Soon she knew that not only was the nausea not going to go away, her dinner was not going to stay down. She pushed the covers back from her bed and sat up to get ready to make a run to the bathroom. She noted that she was feeling light headed now too.

She made her way into the bathroom and sat down in front of the toilet just as her stomach decided to rid itself of its contents. Leah felt her skin turn cold with fear as she saw the blood now in the toilet bowl. Another wave of nausea over took her and her stomach once again emptied itself. She knew she needed to yell for Will or James, but she didn't have the strength. The last coherent thought she had before fainting was that she hoped it wouldn't take them too long to find her.

"Have you checked on Leah lately?" James asked Will.

"Not since I helped her into bed about an hour ago. Why?"

James shrugged, "I thought I heard a noise. It was probably just her cat."

"I'll go take her some water and check on her."

When Will got to the bedroom he felt a knot in his stomach when he saw the empty bed. "Leah?" He walked into their bathroom and saw her lying on the floor. "Leah?" As he bent down on his knees to check her, he noticed the blood in the toilet bowl. "Oh fuck! Leah?" She lay motionless on the floor.

Will gathered his wife up in his arms and carried her down the stairs. "James. Get your keys. I need you to drive us to the hospital."

James saw his sister in Will's arms and his eyes grew wide. As a million questions raced through his head he picked up his car keys and headed to the door.

Once in the car and on the way to the emergency room he turned to Will. "What's going on? Where is the blood coming from?" James had seen the blood on Leah's face when Will was carrying her.

"She's vomiting blood."

James noticed that Will was almost as pale as Leah.

They pulled up to the emergency room and Will carried his wife in. The orderlies quickly got her on a stretcher and wheeled her to a curtained off area. Will tried to follow but one of the men instructed him to wait out in the waiting area while the doctor attended to her.

James pulled out his cell phone and dialed Megan's number. As her phone rang, he looked at the clock on the wall; she wouldn't be out of class for another half an hour. James left her a message, asking her to come to the hospital.

When Megan arrived at the hospital, she saw James and Will sitting in the waiting area. James jumped up as soon as he saw her. "Megan."

"Do you know anything yet?"

James shook his head.

"Hang on. I'll go see if I can find out anything."

Megan went over to the receptionist desk and flashed her hospital badge. The receptionist buzzed the door for Megan to enter.

Once in the actual emergency area, Megan saw a nurse she had befriended before when Leah had been brought in with a drug reaction.

"Melissa. Hi. Hey, can you tell me anything on Leah Allen?"

"Hi Megan. Hang on. I'll go check." Melissa walked over to the charts and flipped through. "Looks like she was in cube four, possible bleeding ulcer. Dr. Reynolds is her attending physician. She's having a scope done right now. Should be back in a half hour or so. I'm sure they'll admit her, surprised they haven't already."

"Thanks Mel. Was her oncologist notified?"

"Um, yep. He has been called."

"Okay, thanks." Megan headed back out to the waiting area. She stopped at the receptionist desk. "Do you have the paper work to admit Leah Allen yet?" The girl behind the desk began flipping through her paperwork. "Yes, here it is. Are you next of kin?"

"No, but they're with me."

"If you want to bring them over here to my desk I can take their information."

"Thanks." Megan said and turned to go get James and Will.

It was almost one in the morning when James and Megan left Leah's hospital room. Will had insisted on staying there with her. The doctors had determined it was in fact a bleeding ulcer brought on by the chemotherapy and frequent vomiting. They would keep Leah in the hospital for a few days while they got it under control.

Leah had been sedated and was sleeping peacefully, but James had not been able to convince Will to come home with him. Finally, James had left promising to come back in the morning so that Will could go home to get some sleep then.

Megan had tried to assure both men that this was simply another side effect of the cancer treatments, but she could tell they were tired of hearing that song.

The next morning Leah awoke and saw Will sleeping in the chair by her bed. Her brain felt fuzzy from the sedatives and her throat was incredibly sore. She realized she was in the hospital again, but had no memory of being brought in.

"Will?" She tried to talk, but it came out as more of a croak.

Will awoke, "Hey. How are you feeling?" He got up from the chair and walked over to sit on the side of the bed.

"My throat is killing me. What happened?"

Will poured some water in a cup for her and placed the straw at her mouth. "You have a bleeding ulcer. The doctors say you'll be fine, just need to take it easy for a couple of days."

Leah sipped on the water; it felt cool on her burning throat. "Why does my throat hurt so much?"

"Probably from the scope they did to see where the ulcer is."

She nodded and closed her eyes, drifting back to sleep.

Megan dropped in before she started work. Leah was awake, staring up at the ceiling. Will was asleep in the chair.

"Hey. Leah," Megan spoke softly as to not wake Will. "How are you doing?"

Leah's gaze met Megan. She shrugged, "Okay I guess. I wish I were home. I hate being here."

"Maybe you won't have to stay here very long." Megan tried to reassure her, but she knew that with Leah's compromised immune system the doctors would want to keep her a few days, just to make sure things were okay.

Leah nodded.

James stuck his head in the doorway. "Good morning." He walked in and kissed Megan.  "How are you Leah?"

"Okay," Leah mumbled, she was quickly getting tired of that question.

"I'll be right back, okay?" James walked Megan out to the hallway.

When he entered the room a few minutes later Leah's eye were closed. He walked over and shook Will gently. "Will. Get up. Go home and get some sleep."

"Hmm?" Will's eyes opened. He sat up and stretched. "Okay, I need to get some work done too. I'll come back this afternoon. Will that be early enough?"

"Take whatever time you need. I'll be here."

Will walked over and kissed Leah's forehead before leaving for home.

James was getting concerned over Leah's disposition. For the last two days she had barely even spoke to him or Megan. He knew she was still feeling rough, but it seemed to be more than just not feeling well.

"Leah?" He was sitting with her on her third day in the hospital. The doctors seemed to have the ulcer under control and were talking of releasing her the next day. She was lying with her back to James, pretending to be asleep.

"Leah. I know you're awake. Roll over and talk to me a minute."

When she still didn't move, James walked around the bed and sat down beside her. "I'm not giving up."

Finally, Leah sighed and opened her eyes. "What?"

"Talk to me."

"About what?"

"About you. What's going on?"

"You mean my ulcer?"

"No, I mean your head."

Silence

"Leah?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Tough shit. I do."

"Aren't you tired of listening to me whine by now? Aren't you just totally sick of this whole thing?"

"No. What I am tired of is feeling helpless. Let me help you."

"How?"

"I don't know. Whine to me? Yell at me? What ever helps you deal."

"I am dealing. I'm dealing the best I can. Just let me lay here okay?"

James sighed, "No. I am not going to let you lie there and feel sorry for yourself." He expected his comment to piss Leah off. If he picked a fight with her maybe she would let go of some of her anger. Instead she began to sob.

"Oh Leah. Damn it. Don't cry. You were supposed to get mad and yell at me."

"I was?" she asked in between sobs.

"Yeah. You used to get mad when someone accused you of self pity."

Leah choked back a couple of sobs, then sat up. "But I am feeling sorry for myself. I am totally sick of this whole experience." She smiled shyly, "You remember what an experience is right?"

It was an old joke between them. James chuckled softly, "What you get when you don't get what you wanted."

The next day they Leah was released. She was instructed to stay on the medicine they had prescribed for her ulcer, along with the Tamoxifen for the cancer, and the anti-depressants to counteract the mood swings from the hormones in the Tamoxifen. She also was to return to chemotherapy after a week off.

Leah was just glad to be home.

That afternoon she was lying on the sofa watching television when she grew bored with the program and decided to play around online for a while. It had been weeks since she had even bothered to log on.

As she sat down, she was surprised to see that the computer was already logged on to the web and the browser was pointed at a web site on breast cancer. She began reading what was printed on the screen.

After reading that site she clicked on the browser's history and began looking at the different sites her husband had been reading. She found hope in what she read. The despair she was feeling wasn't her own weakness, or inability to cope with the treatment, it was depression brought on by the hormones and chemotherapy. She read that many patients found that the anti-depressants were not enough to raise them above the over powering blackness that the drugs caused. Site after site spoke of the dangerous side effects of drugs like Tamoxifen. While they were found to be helpful in reducing the return of breast cancer some studies seemed to indicate that they increased the risk of other cancers.

Another site spoke of statistics on the success of partial mastectomy and radiation versus complete mastectomy. It went into detail, even listing different dosage levels of chemotherapy. A few months ago none of this would have even made sense to Leah. Today, with everything she had been through she was amazed at how much she understood. And if what she read were true, she was being dosed to the max for a type of cancer that had a very high success rate. Her treatment now seemed extreme and unnecessary. One site even went so far as to accuse the medical profession and drug companies of over treating patients to fatten their profit margins and to protect against malpractice suits. As depressing as this news was, Leah found it very uplifting. She wasn't being weak. For the first time in weeks, she felt she had a choice.

That night when Will came to bed, she brought up the subject with him.

"Who's been online doing all the research, you or James?"

"Research? You mean on cancer treatments? That would be me. Why?"

"Why haven't you told me what you were finding?"

"Because I'm not sure I believe everything I've read. For every site I find that makes me feel you are being over dosed, I find another one that makes me think that this is what we need to be doing. I don't want to influence you to quit your treatment only for the cancer to return."

"If I decided to quit my treatment, could you support that decision?"

Will pondered that question for a few moments. "Yes, I think I could."

"Then I'm quitting. I'll take my chances that the cancer will return and deal with it if it does. But for right now I am done. No more chemotherapy, no more radiation, and no more hormones."

Will felt both fear and elation. He was afraid they were making the wrong decision, for the wrong reasons. Wanting it to be over so badly that they let their judgment become clouded. But on the other hand he felt such a sweet relief that this could truly be behind them; that Leah could finally begin to just get well, to just be well. "Are you sure?" His voice cracked as he said it.

"Yes," Leah whispered, then leaned over and kissed her husband passionately. "Make love to me."

Will pulled back, searching her eyes. "Do you feel up to it?" It seemed like forever since they had been intimate.

"No, but I need it. I need to feel you, to feel alive."

The next morning Leah woke feeling better than she had in weeks. She came down the stairs to find James and Will sitting at the kitchen table.

"Good morning."

James looked up at her, surprised at her good mood. "Morning. What's up with you?"

"What?" She smiled at him. Then walked over and kissed Will.

"You're not a little storm cloud this morning, what gives? Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, I am. I feel in control."

"Control?"

"Yes. Control. I am taking back control."

James furrowed his brow. "Control of what?"

"Me. My health. My body."

"How so?" James had a feeling he knew where this was going and he was not going to like it.

"No more treatments. I have declared myself cured. I am done."

"Leah! You can't do that." The concern was evident in his voice.

"James. Hide and watch," she said with a smirk.

"Will? Did you put her up to this? How could you? This is her life we're talking about here."

Leah was up in James' face before Will could answer, fury in her eyes. "No, James. Will did not put me up to anything. And yes, we are talking about my life. MY life. And I am taking back control of it."

"Leah, please. Think about this."

Leah sighed, seeing the concern in her brother's eyes. "James, I know you only want what is best for me. But you have to understand, I can't do this anymore." The anger she felt moments ago was gone.

James pushed back from the table and left the room.

Leah sighed and sat back down next to Will. "That went well."

"He and I have argued over this before. I have shown him some of what I had found, asked him to talk to Megan about it. I don't know if she had convinced him you needed these treatments, or if it is his own fear of losing you, but he has refused to even consider the thought of refusing more treatment."

"It's not his decision," she whispered .

"Megan, do you have a minute? I need to talk." James was calling, hoping to catch her on her break.

"I have a few minutes. What's up James? Is Leah okay?" She could tell he was upset.

"I think she has lost her mind. She's quitting treatment."

Megan had been expecting this. Leah was receiving a relatively high dose and not responding well to it. "Give her some time, after a few days when she starts feeling better she might change her mind."

"I don't think she will, Megan. She is serious. Will found all these web sites and then she read them and now she says she is quitting, even the hormones."

"It'll be okay James. Let her take a break, when she is feeling better then maybe she will decide to continue."

"Megan, you're not listening."

"James, I am. You're not listening. It is okay. She will be fine. She's not the first patient to refuse treatment. She will be okay."

James was becoming more upset. "Megan, please. You have to come talk to her."

"I'll come by tonight. But James, it'll be okay. She'll be okay."

"You don't know that."

"I've got to get back to work. I'll see you tonight."

"Okay."

"James, I love you. Hang in there, okay?"

"Okay. But promise me you'll talk to her."

"I'll talk to her James, but I can't make her continue the treatments."

"What do we do if she won't go back on them?" He was in near panic again.

"We support her in what ever decision she makes."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"Sure you can. She's supported you even when she didn't agree with your choices."

"That was different."

"Was it?"

"Of course it was."

"James, I really have to go. We can talk more when I get off work."

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too. See you tonight."

"James? Can I come in?" It was late that afternoon. Leah had just awakened from a nap and decided to try to reason with her brother again.

"Yeah." James was sitting at his desk. His laptop was open in front of him, but nothing had been typed onto the screen.

Leah came in and sat on the edge of the bed. The recliner that had been in this room for so long was now in her bedroom to be used by her brother to watch over her at night.

"James, please don't be mad at me. I just can't do anymore."

He nodded. He did understand, but he was afraid. If she did everything the doctors said then she would be okay. But if she refused to follow their instructions, her cancer might come back. It was like following the traffic laws. You did what you were told. Except when had he ever done what he was told? He knew deep inside that if it had been him, if he was the one with cancer going through all the misery he would have walked away from it all a long time ago.

"I just want you here Leah. I want you alive and healthy and here."

"I'm not going anywhere James."

"You're all…"

Leah stopped him. "Don't you dare say that James. I am not all you have. You have so many people that love you, or that try to, but you push them away. What about Will, Ryan, and even Eric? And Megan? Don't tell me you are going to make light of that? That girl is in love with you. Surely you can see that. And please don't tell me you aren't serious with her. Please don't tell me you don't love her back."

James grinned, "Yeah, I love her." He looked up at Leah. "I think she is the one, Sis."

Leah smiled back. "It will all be okay James. Trust me on this, okay?"

James nodded. "Okay."

© Melina Catts 2004

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