2000

Leah's chemotherapy schedule was two weeks on followed by one week off. She had received a total of fours weeks of treatment now with this pattern and was recouping on her week off before starting her third session. This schedule of two on, one off was to continue for another four and a half months.

Will and James were both concerned over how fatigued Leah had become. Even on her week off from treatment she was so tired she didn't feel up to doing anything except reading or watching TV. The doctors had finally found a medicine to help control the nausea that she wasn't allergic to but she still had days she could barely keep anything down.

James and Megan spent as much time together as they could. So far she had been reluctant to stay with James at Leah's. She said it felt too much like staying at her boyfriend's parents' house when she was in college. She also felt that it was good for James to get a break from taking care of his sister and that if Will was left to take care of Leah he would discover he was tougher than he thought.

It was on Thursday before Leah would begin her third session that things fell apart for James. Leah had been in bed napping that evening while he and Will were watching television in the den. James decided to go up and try to get some writing done. As he climbed the stairs he thought he heard Leah crying.

He stood in the doorway of her bedroom and watched her sitting on the side of her bed sobbing.

"Leah?" She didn't acknowledge him, but continued to cry. He walked over to her and squatted down so that he was at eye level with her. "Leah? What is it?" It was then he noticed the clump of hair in her hands. Without saying anything, he stood back up, took her hand and led her to the bathroom. Megan had warned him of this, and had told him that if she started losing her hair it would be easier to just shave it off than to go through watching it fall out in handfuls.

He put the lid down on the toilet and sat Leah down on it. Then he pulled the shears out of the cabinet above the sink. It took less than two minutes to take off what had taken Leah years to grow. All of her beautiful auburn hair was now on the floor. James put the shears back in the cabinet and walked out of the room to get a broom and dustpan. Leah sat there on the toilet set with tears still running down her face.

James was back with a hand broom and dustpan. He swept up her hair and emptied the dustpan into the trash. He then picked up the trashcan and left the room again. This was killing him, but he had to keep Leah from knowing it.

When he came back in, she was standing in front of the mirror sobbing. He took her by the shoulders, turned her around, and hugged her to him. They stood like that for a moment before he led her back to bed. He went over to her vanity and found a scarf of hers; he came back and wrapped it around her head.

"There." He sat down beside her. "It will be okay."

She was still sobbing. James understood that losing her hair had been a big fear of hers, he also knew there was more to her tears then her now bald head, but suddenly he was tired of her crying and whining over every little thing. He looked at her sitting in the bed with the scarf around her head, and it angered him because now she looked the part of the cancer patient.

"Leah," he started talking to her softly. "Leah, it will grow back."

Leah only cried harder. James sighed. He stood and walked to the door; turning back he tried again. "Leah?" When she didn't acknowledge him he finally snapped.

"Fuck. Leah. It's only hair!" He shouted at her. "Quit being such a baby about every little thing! Just get over yourself. Would you?"

"Fuck!" He shouted again, turned, and walked out of the room leaving Leah sitting on the bed still sobbing.

James grabbed his coat and walked down the stairs. He stuck his head in the doorway of the den. "Will. You need to go tend to your wife."

"What? What happened? James?"

James held up his hands to ward off the questions and turned, walking out of the house, got in his car and drove off.

Will walked into the bedroom to see Leah still sitting on the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her eyes were red and swollen and seemed bigger than usual because of her bald head, but she was no longer crying. He tried to keep his face neutral as approached her. He hated the way she looked with no hair, hated what this disease was doing to her, to them, to their marriage, but the last thing she needed right now was to see those emotions in his eyes.

He sat down on the bed next to her and slipped his arm around her, pulling her to him. She sighed heavily and she slid down into his arms.

They sat like that, no words between them, no words were needed. When she finally drifted off to sleep he slipped out of bed, undressed, crawled back into bed and for the first time in weeks, he fell asleep with his wife in his arms.

"Hello?" Eric said into the receiver of the phone as he looked at the clock on the headboard of their bed. It was three a.m.

"Hello?" he said again. "Who is this?"

"Eric? I need a favor." The voice was slurred.

"James? Where are you?" Eric crawled out of bed so as not to wake Ryan.

"Do you know where the Blue Goose is?" James asked.

"That old dive? Yeah, it's not far from here."

"I don't think I should drive." The words were slurred enough Eric had trouble understanding him.

Eric wasn't sure if he had seen or heard James this inebriated before. "No, I don't think you should either. Just sit in the passenger side of your car. I'll be there in a half an hour."

Eric pulled on his pants and slipped on his shoes. He had told James to call if he needed some help, but this wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

"Who was that on the phone?" Ryan's voice was thick with sleep.

"James."

"Is Mom okay?"

"He didn't say anything about her. He's down at the Blue Goose drunk on his ass."

Ryan sighed, "Sounds like the James we all know and love."

"Go back to sleep. I'll go get him and bring him here. Okay?"

"Thanks Dear." Ryan rolled back over as Eric headed out the door.

He pulled up next to James' car. Eric could see him sitting in the passenger seat. It looked as if he might have passed out.  "James? James? Wake up."

James opened his eyes, nodded his head, and attempted to stand up. It seemed that he had not passed out yet.

"Here. Let me help." Eric slipped his arm around James' waist and began maneuvering him over to the passenger side of his own car.

"You better not puke in my car. If you're going to get sick you tell me so I can stop," he said once he was settled into the driver's seat.

James only nodded, staring straight ahead.

"I'm going to take you to our apartment. Ryan can bring you back tomorrow to get your car. Okay?"

James nodded again, still staring straight ahead.

"You want to tell me why I am out here at three in the morning instead of home in bed?" He tried to not sound angry, but he was, and it showed.

James closed his eyes. "I didn't know who else to call."

"That's not what I'm asking."

James opened his eyes but still did not look over at Eric. "Leah lost her hair today."  He closed his eyes, "And I lost my temper."

"James, I'm sure she understands. She's lost her temper with you enough times."

"But she shouldn't have to understand. She's going through enough, she's allowed to lose it and yell, not me."

"Why? Are you not human? Are you some super man who can deal with stress and lack of sleep better than anyone else?"

James didn't answer, he just continued to stare out the window. "It's more than that."

"What is?" Eric started the car and began to drive toward their apartment.

"I thought I could handle this."

"You are handling it James."

"Yeah, well not that good."

"James?" Eric knew there was more to this than James was saying.

"She just looks so ill right now. With all her hair gone… I. It's just. Fuck. She looks like a fucking cancer patient."

"James. She'll be okay. You know that. She just has to get through a few more weeks of treatment and then things will start returning to normal. Just hang in there for her. Okay?"

James only nodded.

Eric helped James into the apartment and over to the sofa. James sat there in an alcoholic haze.

"James?"

James still didn't speak, but instead sighed heavily and began to take off his shoes.

Eric tried again. "Are you going to be okay?"

To this James only nodded.

Eric went into the bedroom and then came back with a pillow and a couple of blankets. "James, she will be okay."

The next morning Leah awoke early. Will was already up, reading the paper at the table. Leah came padding into the kitchen and sat down with him.

"How are you this morning?" he asked, getting up to fix her some toast and juice.

She sighed, "Bald."

"And other than that?" Will knew this was a big deal to her. He had to admit to himself it was a big deal to him too. Her lack of hair made her look so much more frail and sickly.

"I don't know, it's too soon to tell. Where's James?"

"I imagine he's at Megan's"

"He left last night?" She knew he had been upset, but usually he would come in and tell her when he was leaving.

"Yeah, he didn't say where he was going."

"He was pretty upset wasn't he?"

Will nodded. "Here, eat some toast so you can take your pills."

Around ten thirty the phone rang. Will was working in the study while Leah was resting in the den.

"Hello." Will picked up the line incase Leah was asleep.

"Will? It's Megan, is James busy? I think he must have his cell off."

"Um, he's not here Megan. Didn't he stay at your place last night?"

"At my place? No. I haven't talked to him since yesterday afternoon. He didn't call me last night. What's going on Will?"

Will sighed, he didn't want to be having this conversation. "Well, Leah's hair began falling out. I'm not sure what all happened between them, but James stormed out of here. I just assumed he went to your place."

"And he hasn't come home?"

"No."

"Where do you think he is?"

"I have no idea."

"Should I be worried?"

"No, not yet. James still has a few friends around town, maybe he dropped in on one of them."

"Okay, well have him call me if you hear from him."

As he hung up the phone, he looked up to see Leah standing in the doorway.

"He wasn't at Megan's?" she asked.

"No."

"Shit, where is he then?"

"Now Leah, don't get all freaked out. He's a big boy. I'm sure he is fine. Probably at a friend's house."

"Will, James hasn't been in contact with anyone here in ages."

"So maybe he picked up someone."

Leah shook her head. "No, he liked Megan too much to do that."

"Oh hell Leah, he was screwing women all over L.A. the whole time he was living with Jane. Why do you think he has suddenly changed? I know you love your brother, but face facts, he is a womanizer."

Just as Leah was opening her mouth to protest, the phone rang again.

"Hello"

"Will, it's Eric. Just wanted to let you know James is crashed on our sofa."

"He is?"

"Yeah, I didn't want Leah to worry about him. I figure he'll drag himself back home some time this afternoon."

"Okay, thanks for calling Eric."

Will hung up. "He is at Eric and Ryan's."

"What's he doing there?"

"I don't know, apparently sleeping."

Leah walked over and picked up the phone. She punched in James' cell number and listened as his voice mail began telling her to leave a message. She hung up without leaving one. "Well, at least he wasn't screwing around on Megan."

When Ryan came home from class, James was sitting in their living room watching TV.

"You look like shit James. Go take a shower."

"Do you have any coffee?"

"I'll make you some coffee while you take a shower. Don't you want to go get your car?"

James only shrugged.

"What's going on James?" Ryan asked while fixing a pot of coffee.

"I shaved off your mom's hair last night."

Ryan froze in place for a moment, then he caught himself and went about making the coffee. He knew this was major to his mother, but he had promised himself he would not let it get to him if it happened. "It will grow back."

"Yeah"

"Is that what this is all about? Having to shave Mom's head?"

"Yeah," James answered meekly.

"Jeez. James. It's not that big a deal. We knew there was a good chance it would happen."

"Yeah, well wait until you see her. You think she looked like a cancer patient before. Wait until this slaps you in the face."

Ryan was surprised at how bitter James sounded. He came back into the living room and handed him a cup of coffee.

"James?" He sat down next to him on the sofa, "Are you okay?"

"I'm trying to be."

Ryan nodded. Isn't that what they all were doing? Trying to be okay, when nothing about the whole situation was okay at all. "Drink your coffee and go take a shower. I'll take you to go get your car."

When James got home, he stuck his head into Will's study.

"How is she?"

"She's okay, avoiding mirrors, but okay. She's asleep right now. How are you?"

"Hung over."

"Have you talked to Megan today? She called here looking for you."

"I'll call her later."

James climbed the stairs and went straight to his bedroom. He was relieved to hear that Leah was asleep; he wasn't ready to see her. He knew he should call Megan, but he wasn't ready to deal with her either. Right now all he wanted to do was to crawl into his bed and sleep off his hangover.

Will was still at work in his study when the phone rang again.

"Hello."

"Will, have you heard from James yet?" It was Megan.

"Yeah, he's home. He didn't call you? I told him you were looking for him."

"No he didn't call. Is he okay?"

"Yeah, I think he is a bit hung over. I guess he stayed at Eric and Ryan's last night. You want me to get him? I think he is up in his room."

"No, that's fine. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I'll talk to him later."

"You sure? I'll go find him."

"No. I don't need him thinking I'm checking up on him. He'll call me when he is ready."

After Will hung up the phone he decided to go remind James that Megan had wanted him to phone her. He peeked in his bedroom door to find James asleep.

After Ryan had dropped James off, he headed to Eric's office

Eric looked up to see him walking in. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Why didn't you wake me when you got back home last night?" Ryan wasn't upset, just curious.

"I don't know, I guess I didn't see any need. He just needed someone to go pick his drunk ass up."

"Did he tell you what it was all about?"

"Yeah. Your mother lost her hair."

Ryan nodded, "I want to do something."

"Do something?"

"Yeah. I want to go do some shopping for her."

Eric grinned, at least someone was doing something constructive. "Go for it."

When Megan got off work, she still had not heard from James. She started to just go home and wait for his call, but half way to her car, she changed her mind. She would drop in on him, they had been dating long enough she shouldn't have to wait by the phone for his call.

When she knocked at the door, it was Will that answered.

"Hi Megan, come on in. How are you?" He stepped back to let her in.

"I'm fine, just thought I'd stop by and see how James is."

"I think he's still asleep. After you called, I went to go remind him to call you and found him sleeping. I haven't heard any noises coming from upstairs so I think he and Leah are both still sleeping. Go on up and wake him."

"How is Leah handling losing her hair? I know she was so worried it would happen."

Will frowned, "I'm not sure Megan. She was upset last night. Today she seemed better, but I know it is bothering her."

Megan nodded, "I'll see if she's awake. Maybe I can talk to her."

"That would be great Megan."

Leah was lying in bed watching television when Megan peeked her head in the door.

"Knock. Knock."

"Oh. Hi Megan." Leah sat up, subconsciously rubbing her hand over her head.

"How are you?" Megan came in and sat down in the recliner near her bed.

"Okay."

Megan cocked her head. "Are you?"

Leah looked down, not able to meet her eyes. "I'm trying to be. I know its just hair, but it just makes me look so pathetic. I hate the way Will and James look at me now."

"It makes the cancer seem more real doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Leah whispered.

"I know you get tired of me saying this, but this is all normal Leah, not only you losing your hair, but your reaction to it. It sucks. But just keep telling yourself that this is all temporary."

"I know. I'm trying."

"How about if I cook dinner for you guys tonight?"

"Oh Megan, you don't need to do that."

"I know, but I want to. But first I'm going to go check on your brother."

"I haven't talked to him today. I heard him come up the stairs but he never came in to see me."

"I think he is asleep, well actually I gather he's pretty hung-over, but I'll go check and see." With that Megan got up and left Leah's room.

The door to James' room was ajar. When Megan peeked in James was sound asleep across his bed with his shoes still on.

"James?" She walked into the room and shook him lightly.

"Hmmm"

"James. Wake up." She tried again.

He rolled over and slowly opened his eyes. "Hmm, what time is it?" He voice was raspy with sleep.

"About six."

"Wow, I've been sleeping all afternoon. Sorry I didn't call. I was so tired when I got home."

"It's okay. So you went out and tied one on last night?"

"Yeah. Sorry, it was stupid of me."

Megan stretched out on the bed beside him. "Want to tell me about it?"

"Nothing to tell. I shaved Leah's head, then got pissed at her for crying. So then I went to the Blue Goose and started drinking Crown and Cokes and feeling sorry for myself until I had to call Eric to come get me. How pathetic is that?"

"Oh I don't know, pretty pathetic I guess. But maybe we can let it slide this time." Her smile was warm and forgiving. "But you should have just came over to my place last night."

"I know, I started to, but I feel like I burden you with so much as it is."

"No you don't. So next time you will come to me?"

"Yeah, but I don't plan on there being a next time."

"Good. Then get up and come help me fix something for dinner. I just told Leah I was going to cook for you guys."

They were all sitting around the kitchen table finishing off the pasta and steamed vegetables that James and Megan had cooked. Leah was trying not to be self conscious about her hair, or lack there of. James and Will were trying not to notice.

"This was really good. Thanks Megan." Leah had even eaten more than her usual pushing the food around on her plate.

There was a knock at the door. James got up to answer it.

"Hey, what brings you two here?" He stepped back and Eric and Ryan entered. Ryan had a couple of shopping bags in his arms.

"Hello everyone," Ryan said as he entered the kitchen. "Hi Mom." He came over and kissed her check. "We brought you something."

"For me?"

Ryan opened up one of the bags and pulled out a beautiful wig. The color of the hair was almost exactly the color of Leah's missing locks. "Here try this on." He helped her slip it over her scalp.

Eric came back from the bathroom carrying a hand mirror. "Here Leah, check it out." He handed her the mirror.

"Oh. I love it!" Leah had tears in her eyes.

Ryan reached in the bag and pulled out another wig. This one had short blonde hair styled into a bob. "And this one is for when you feel like something a little different." He said as he helped her try it on.

"Hey, I've always wanted to be married to a blonde," Will teased.

"Well, you will just have to enjoy it while it lasts." Leah laughed as she admired herself as a blonde.

Ryan went back for the other bag. "And these are for the days you don't want to mess with a wig." Ryan placed five beautiful scarves in front of her. They were each a different style with enough colors to go with any outfit she owned.

"Oh Ryan. They're beautiful. Thank you so much." By now Leah was crying.

James picked up one of the scarves and walked over to Leah. He pulled off the blonde wig and tied the scarf around her head. Then he knelt down to look Leah in the eyes. "I am sorry I was such a shit last night."

"You weren't that much of a shit."

"Yes I was, and I'm sorry."

He reached over and hugged her. When he pulled back he noticed she looked suddenly pale. "Leah? Are you alright?"

She shook her head. "I think I need to go lie down."

"Okay, let me help you."

She looked back to her son. "I'm sorry Ryan. You want to come up and talk to me?"

"It's okay Mom, you rest for a bit. I'll come up before we leave."

"Come here and hug me." He walked around and gave her a hug. "Thank you so much Sweetie."

"You're welcome Mom."

James helped her up the stairs and into her room. He pulled back the covers and she crawled in.

"I am so tired of being so weak. Eating dinner with my family shouldn't make me so exhausted."

"I know, but it's just for awhile." James pulled the covers back up over her. He heard the hitch in her breath. "Shh Leah, no tears, just sleep." He rubbed her back and in minutes her breathing had evened out and she was sleeping soundly.

When James came back down stairs everyone was still at the kitchen table.

"Is Mom alright?"

"Yeah, she had just been up too long. She is already asleep." James sat down next to Megan. "Eric, I owe you an apology too."

Eric grinned. "It's okay James. Just don't make a habit out of it."

"I'll try not to."

© Melina Catts 2004

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