1996

"James, I'm worried about Ryan." Leah had James on the phone.

"What are you worried about?"

"He seems depressed, but I can't get him to talk to me. He always used to tell me things. Now suddenly he's clamming up."

"Ryan's how old now? Sixteen?"

"He'll be sixteen in another few months."

"He's probably just struggling with the usual teenage problems, Sis. I'm not sure what I can do from here."

"You can try to talk to him. You and he have always been close, maybe he will confide in you. Otherwise I'm going to send him to a counselor."

"Tell you what, I haven't been home in a few months. Let me see if I can get next Tuesday off and I'll come home Sunday for a long weekend." James was still tending bar. His writing was coming along, but not enough to support himself yet.

"That sounds great James. Will you bring Jane too?" Jane had moved into James' apartment about six months ago. Leah tried to like her, but had never felt she was right for James.

"I doubt she'll be able to get away." Jane no longer worked in the bar. She was taking a few college classes and working as a secretary for a local accounting firm. "I'll check with my boss and call you tomorrow to let you know the plans. Will that work?"

"Thanks James. Now if he'll just talk to you." Leah was at her wit's end on how to reach this kid.

James called her the next night to say he had booked a flight for Sunday morning. He would be in Minneapolis around noon the next Sunday and would stay until Wednesday morning. Leah hoped that he could get Ryan to open up. She also hoped that James wouldn't think she was overreacting. Ryan wasn't into any trouble that she knew of, he wasn't acting out; he just seemed more withdrawn. He was spending less time with friends and more time in his bedroom alone. But most of all, he had quit sharing things about his life with Leah. On one hand, Leah knew that was part of growing up, but on the other, it worried her that something was going or that he felt he couldn't share with her. She had tried to talk to Will about it, but he felt that she was making a big deal out of nothing. All teenagers pulled away from their parents and became moody. It was just a part of life.

When James got there on Sunday, he knew the house would be empty. Leah and Lucky had a competition that afternoon and Will had planned to take a client golfing. James let himself in the house and took his luggage up to his old room. When he came back down the stairs, he was surprised to see Ryan.

"Hey Squirt. I figured you would be at the competition with your Mom."

"No, I decided to stay home. It didn't seem right that no one would be home when you got here."

James nodded, "So what have you been up to? How is school?"

Ryan followed James into the den and sat down. "School's okay."

"Is it? You know your mom is worried about you." James said, deciding this was as good a time as any.

"Yeah, I know." Ryan's voice had gotten very quiet.

"Does she have something to worry about?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. Is that why you're here? To find out what's wrong with me?"

"Is there something wrong with you?" James avoided Ryan's question.

Again he shrugged, "I don't know."

"Do you know she wants to send you to a shrink?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Do you want to talk to me instead?"

Ryan sat there for a moment. He knew if there was anyone he could confide in it would be James. "I'm…" he stopped.

"You're what?"

"I'm… I'm not straight."

James smiled, "You mean you're gay." It wasn't a question. James had been fairly sure that Ryan was gay for a year or more.

"Yeah."

"That's it? That's what this is all about?"

Ryan nodded.

"Are you afraid to tell your mom?" James asked.

"She'll freak out."

"Ryan she probably already knows, or at least suspects. I mean shit, I've suspected for a while now. It really isn't that big a deal. It's not like you're the only gay person on the planet."

"Have you ever talked about it with her?"

"About you being gay?" James had to think for a moment. "No, I don't think we have."

"Then how do you know she won't freak?"

"Do you want me to tell her?"

"I don't know."

"Ryan, she needs to know."

Ryan nodded his head, but said nothing.

"Tell you what, I'm here until Wednesday, so you have some time to think it over. I'll tell her for you, or go with you while you tell her, or just be here to make sure it goes okay and you tell her on your own. Whichever way you decide. But when I leave Wednesday morning she'll know, okay?"

"Okay."

"And Ryan, I'm serious. It is no big deal."

"That's easy for you to say, you like girls."

"So do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Is there someone you want to have as a boyfriend?"

Ryan simply blushed his reply.

James smiled, "Is he cute?" He had enough gay friends in L.A. that he had long since lost any hang-ups about people's sexual orientations.

Ryan giggled, "Yeah, he's cute."

"Is he gay?"

"I think so."

"Same age as you?"

"No, a couple years older."

"So are you working on making him your boyfriend, or just admiring from afar?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "I'm working on it."

When Will came home a few hours later he found the two boys playing Nintendo in Ryan's bedroom.

"Hey James. How was your flight?"

"Oh. Hey, Will. Flight was fine, slept the whole way."

"You guys hungry? It'll be a few more hours before Leah gets home. I can go ahead and fix us something."

Ryan piped up, "Can we order pizza?"

Will smiled, Ryan would live on pizza if they let him. "James? Can you handle pizza?"

"As long as it's the thin crust. I hate that thick stuff."

"Have you had a chance to talk to Ryan yet?" Will and James were sitting in the den. Ryan had gone to a movie with some friends.

"Did Leah have him stay here to wait on me?"

"No, she was planning on him going with her, he backed out at the last minute this morning."

James nodded, saying nothing. He didn't want to betray Ryan's trust.

"He's gay isn't he?"

James only nodded, still not saying anything.

"I should have put it together sooner. It didn't even occur to me what was going on until this afternoon. My client was telling me about his son, who happens to be gay, and it suddenly clicked. So is Ryan okay with it?"

"He's worried how Leah will take the news."

"It will upset her." Will stated it so matter-of-factly that at first James thought he had heard him wrong.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's her baby, and that life is not what she has planned for him. I'm not saying she won't accept it, or that she'll turn him out. She would never do that. But she'll be upset."

"Surely she suspects it. I mean I have been pretty sure the kid was gay for a year or so. Besides it really isn't that big of a deal"

"I doubt she suspects it. I think she's worried it's over a girl. And it may not be a big deal out there in la la land, but this is the Midwest. It will be a big deal to her."

"Shit." James thought for a moment, "Is it a big deal to you?"

"Me? No, I believe you are what you are."

"But doesn't Leah believe that too?"

"James. We're talking about Ryan here. Leah isn't going to apply the same rules when it comes to her baby. She's just fine with people being gay, as long as they aren't her son. Maybe I am wrong, I mean she has never said anything, but I just have a feeling that she won't take this very well."

James only sighed. Maybe he should be the one to tell Leah after all.

"James!" Leah and Lucky came bursting in around ten that night. James was dosing in the recliner while Will was watching the local news.

"Hey Leah. Hey Lucky." James reached out and gave Lucky a pat on the head. "How did the competition go?"

"Great! We took third." She leaned over and gave Will a kiss.

"Third. That is great. This was a big event too." Will was proud of his wife.

"Yeah, it was the biggest we've been to so far." She turned back to her brother. "How are you?"

"Half asleep," he mumbled. "I haven't had much sleep since I got off work last night."

"Where's Ryan?"

"At the movies with the neighbor kids," Will answered. "He should be home any time now."

"Did you get a chance to talk to him James?"

"We talked some. Give me some time. Shit Leah I just got here." There was no way James wanted to try to talk to Leah tonight. Besides, he really wanted to talk with Ryan again before he said anything to Leah.

"Okay, Don't get all pissy, I just wondered."

"S'right. I'm just tired." He stood up and stretched. "I'm going to bed Sis." He reached down and kissed her on the cheek.

"Okay, good night." She sat down next to Will and asked, "How was your golf game?"

"Good. I shot a 78."

"Wow. How was your client?"

"He seemed to enjoy himself. Spent most of the day telling me about his son coming home from college and announcing he was gay."

"Really? Was he upset?"

"No, not really. I think he was more relieved. I think they've suspected it for awhile, so I think it was a relief to have it all in the open."

Leah only nodded.

The next morning both James and Ryan slept in late. It was a warm summer day and Ryan had seen enjoying what he saw as his last lazy summer. Next year he would be sixteen and he planned to be working. He wanted to get a car as soon as he could afford it. Leah had promised to help him get one, but she wouldn't agree to buy it for him outright. He had to put up at least some of the money.

When James finally did get up Leah was out working with one of the dogs she was currently training and Will was at work in his study. James went to the kitchen and fixed himself a bowl of cold cereal. He was sitting at the table eating it when Ryan walked in.

"How was the movie?"

Ryan grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and sat down at the table with James. "Good, we saw Relic. It was really scary."

"Yeah? I haven't seen that one yet."

They ate for a while in silence. Finally Ryan had to ask. "Did you say anything to Mom and Dad?"

"No, but Will guessed."

"He did?" The color drained from Ryan's face.

"Yeah, but your mom wasn't there. I didn't tell him I swear. He came in and said 'he's gay isn't he?' I wasn't going to lie to him. But don't worry, he's cool with it."

"How do you know he didn't tell Mom last night?"

"I guess I don't. But I really don't think he did." Things grew quiet again. "Ryan? How about you let me tell your mom?"

"You think she'll be upset don't you?"

"No, I don't. Will thinks she might be, but only because she'll see it as a hard life ahead of you. If I get a chance to talk to her first I can get her to understand that it's not a big deal."

"Okay, But James, it is a bigger deal than you think. I mean, I know that it's more acceptable than it used to be, but you make it sound like it's no different than if I were straight. It is. It is illegal for me to even have sex in many states. Most states offer no protection for discrimination by employers. I can't get married, and it is nearly impossible for me to even adopt a child. Homophobia is still alive and well in this world, so I can understand why Mom might be upset."

James nodded his head. "I know. I guess I just don't want you to feel that there is something wrong with you. It's the world that is screwed up, not you. Okay?"

"I'm okay with my sexual orientation, but coming out is a very personal process. As much as I appreciate that you're okay with me being gay, don't make light of my coming out. Okay?"

"Okay. I wasn't trying to make light of it though."

Ryan got up and put his bowl in the sink. "I know. It's okay. I guess I'm just scared. So go tell her then." And he walked out of the kitchen and back up the stairs. Leaving James at the table to ponder when Ryan had become so grown up.

James walked out into the back yard where Leah was working with a Golden Retriever. He stood and watched her for a while. He was impressed with what he saw.

"Do you get all of them to respond to you like that?"

"Oh. Hi James. You scared me." She stopped walking and the dog immediately stopped and sat at her side.

"So what's the secret here? How do you get them to work for you like that?" James had never watched Leah train a dog before.

She bent down and patted the dog at her side. "Patience, praise and respect."

"Respect?"

"Yeah, especially when dealing with dogs that are bred for intelligence. If you acknowledge that intelligence they'll work harder for you."

James nodded. It made sense. "Is it hard to give them back to their owners?"

"Some times. I mean I do get attached to them, but I know they are going back to good homes."

He watched her finish working with the dog then she took off its leash and picked up a tennis ball.

"Here James," She said as she tossed the ball to him. "Throw this a few times for Bear."

James called the dog over. "Here Bear. Ready? Go get it." James watched as the dog ran to get the ball and came running back with it in his mouth for James to throw again.

"Hey Leah? What do you have planned this afternoon?"

"Not much. Why?"

"How about you and me going to the mall or something."

She looked at him. He had something to tell her, but wanted her away from the house to say it. Did that mean it was bad news? Had he finally gotten Ryan to spill?

"Um. Okay, sure. When do you want to go?"

He shrugged, "Whenever you want." He tossed the ball again.

"Let me put the dog up and I'll go get ready."

"So what is this about James? You have something to tell me?" They were sitting at the food court in the mall sharing an order of cheese fries.

"Yeah. I talked with Ryan."

"And?"

James took in a deep breath. "Leah, he's gay."

He watched the different emotions wash across her face. Disbelief, anger, sorrow. "No."

"Leah, it's not a big deal. Lots of people are gay. Come on, are you a homophobe?"

She now had tears welling up in her eyes. "No, I'm not, but Ryan can't be gay, James. He's too young to know what he wants."

"Leah, listen to yourself. He's almost sixteen. How old were you when you became sexually active? And please don't tell me you think it is a choice."

"I don't know if it's a choice or not. Maybe it is."

"Right. And who would choose that? Some one that wants to get beat up more often in high school? Leah, you have no control over what gets you there. You know that. People are born gay. Ryan was born gay."

She sat back in her chair staring at her brother with eyes that told him just how much this was breaking her heart. "But I don't want him to be gay. I don't want him to have to deal with all the shit gay people have to deal with," she whispered. "I want him to fall in love, get married and give me grandbabies."

"And he will Leah, the only thing that has changed is what gender his spouse will be."

She nodded, "He was afraid to tell me?"

"He wasn't sure how you would respond. I didn't think you would freak, Will did. So I decided it would be best if I told you and gave you time and a place to freak without Ryan having to witness it."

"Will knows?"

"He guessed. Hell, Leah, I guessed it almost a year ago. You mean you didn't even suspect it?"

"That he was gay? No. Why would I?"

James chuckled; she could be so naive. "Oh I don't know. His favorite show is The Golden Girls. His favorite actress is Bette Midler. He listens to Cher. He hasn't had a girlfriend. It's not hard to see Leah."

"So he doesn't have the best taste in sitcoms. Why does that make him gay?"

To this James couldn't help but laugh, "Oh Leah. You really didn't even consider it? Really?"

"No."

They were both quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Finally Leah spoke.

"So what do I do now?"

"You go home, you hug him and you tell him you love him no matter what."

"And then? I know nothing about being gay. This is sort of new territory for me, you know."

James seemed to ponder this for a moment then he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Steven? It's James."

"Good. And you?"

"Great. Listen, my nephew just came out to us and I was wondering what the name of the group was you were talking about." … "PFLAG. Okay. Yeah, I'll look it up in the phone book. Thanks." …. "She's upset, but only because she's afraid for him. She'll be fine." … "Okay, thanks Steven." … "Yeah, I'll give you a call when I get back." … "Okay. Bye."

James put his cell phone back in his pocket and stood up. "Be right back."

He returned shortly with a phone book in his hands.

"Where did you get that?"

He smiled at Leah. "I borrowed it from over there." He sat it down on the table and flipped it open. After finding the right page he looked up at her. "You have a pen and paper in your purse?"

"Yeah. Just a sec." Leah pulled out some paper and a pen. "Okay."

James gave her an address and phone number. "That's not too far from the house," he noted. Then he pulled his phone back out and pressed in the numbers she had written down. Once he heard the first ring, he handed the phone to Leah.

She looked at him with confusion but took the phone. "Hello?"

"This is PFLAG. My name is Liz. Can I help you?"

"Um, What is pee flag?"

"Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. Do you know someone who is gay?"

"Um, yes, my son."

"Oh honey, that's wonderful. When did he tell you?"

"He hasn't yet, he told my brother and my brother told me."

"I see. Well how do you feel about him being gay?"

"I'm scared for him."

"It can be a rough life, but if he has a family to support him he will do just fine."

Liz went on to talk about the loss Leah was feeling. That is was normal for her to mourn. Suddenly all the hopes and dreams she had for her baby boy had just been shifted. But she had to understand that the dreams had only moved a little, not shattered. He was still the same son he had always been. After talking with Leah for over half an hour, Leah was starting to feel better. Liz told her about the meeting they held for the parents on the first Tuesday of each month, and about the meetings they had weekly for the teens. Leah agreed she and Ryan would attend the next one. Liz told her to call any time with any questions and Leah promised she would. She disconnected the call and handed the phone back to her brother.

"Thanks." She smiled at him.

"For what?"

"For keeping this from being a disaster. Come on. I want to go home and hug my son."

© Melina Catts 2004

Return to Tangled