1980

She couldn't believe it; she had missed her period. It wouldn't have been unusual for her, except that she was back on the pill. Worse yet, the asshole had dumped her. Of course, she really didn't think of him as an asshole; she loved him. He was the first guy she had ever really loved. She had thought she was in love before, but not like this. This one was real. She knew he felt something too. That's why he dumped her; he was scared. It had been getting serious. He ran. Chickenshit. Little did she know she was about to find out just how big a chickenshit he really was.

So now, she had to deal with this missed period. She'd just run and take a piss test at the free clinic, and then she could start her next pack of pills and not give it another thought. She also needed to get her laundry done. God, she hated going to the laundromat. She was on her own now, going to school and trying to start a life. Her folks were helping her, but the relationship was strained and she tried not to spend too much of their money. She had always been a wild child, a free spirit and her parents just didn't know how to handle her.

Leah had moved out of their house when she was fifteen, living with different friends and boyfriends while finishing high school. It wasn't like her parents weren't there for her, but they got along better if they didn't live in the same house. Now she was eighteen, finished with high school, and having a go at cosmetology.

She loaded up her dirty clothes and headed out to get her errands done. On the way to the laundromat, she stopped by Planned Parenthood, peed in the little cup, and waited while they ran the test. When they called her name, she was led back to a little room. The nurse came in and told her the test was positive.

"What? No! It's wrong, I'm not pregnant."

The nurse remained calm; she had been through this before. "Well Leah, we've never had a false positive."

"Well this will be your first!" Leah shot back.

The nurse continued on, "We need you to come back in this afternoon and we will check to see how far along you are. We can give you counseling then if you like."

After the appointment was made, Leah left the clinic in a daze. How could she be pregnant? What was she going to tell David? He had already said they were through, but he had the right to know.

She wondered how the hell this had happened. She was on the pill, damn it. She had been off of it for a few months and had just gone back on. Ironic to think that now she got pregnant.

So much for doing the laundry, she headed over to her friend's house. Sarah and Greg actually were friends of David's. They were the ones that introduced him to Leah. Things had been strained with them since the breakup. They were caught in the middle.

Knocking on the door, Leah couldn't help but wonder what the hell she was going to do. Abortion simply wasn't an option for her. She had seen too many of her friends make that choice and they were all scarred. She believed life was precious and she just couldn't live with herself if she took the easy way out. Plus she knew it wasn't all that easy. Adoption didn't appeal to her either. She had dated a few guys that had been adopted. A couple of them were living in great homes with great families, but one she could remember wasn't so lucky. Leah could not believe that someone would have given 'that' woman a child. No, adoption seemed like a crap shoot to her. That left no choice but to have the baby and raise it herself the best she could. Maybe David would come around.

Sarah opened the door. "Hey Leah! What's up?"

"Remember when I mentioned I had missed my period?" Leah asked, coming in the house.

"Oh Shit! Don't tell me you are pregnant?"

"Okay I won't tell you…. Oh Sarah, what the fuck am a going to do?"

"Well first you're going to sit down and let me get you some coffee."

Sarah came back a few minutes later with two cups. "Have you told David yet?" she asked.

"Nope, you have the honor of being the first. When does David get off work? Do you know? I need to tell him, he has to know."

Just then, Greg walked in the door. "Hey Leah! How are things?"

Sarah smiled and told Greg, "I think they've been better for her. She's pregnant."

"Holy Fuck!" Greg was shocked. "Have you told David?" Greg and Leah were close friends. Leah had met Greg first, then he had introduced her to his girlfriend, Sarah.

"No but I think he should be next to be told. Do you know when he gets off work? Is he still staying with you guys?"

"Yes, he should be around this evening. He usually gets home around six."

Leah thought for a moment. "Sarah, will you come with me this afternoon? I have to go back to the clinic for a test to see how far along I am, like I can't figure that out," she chuckled. "I don't think I can handle being alone right now. I am more than a little freaked out."

"How did this happen?" Leah was back at the clinic, being examined by a nurse.

"Um, I'm not sure I know how to answer that," the nurse smiled at her.

Leah chuckled a bit to herself. "I was on the pill. I had been off of it for a few months but when I started dating this guy I went to a doctor and asked to be put back on it."

"How long had you been off of it?"

"About six months."

"And what other form of birth control were you using along with the pill this first month?"

Leah stared at her. Other form? "Um, the doctor said to use another form for the first seven days. My boyfriend was out of town then so it wasn't an issue."

"He told you to use a second method for the first seven days only?"

"Um, yeah"

"Well that would explain what happened then. You had been off the pill for six months, your body would have been extremely fertile. You should have been advised to use a second form at least through the first month."

Leah sighed. That sucks, she thought to herself.

"Well, everything seems normal," the nurse brought her out of her thoughts. "I would say you are approximately four weeks along. Do you have an OBGYN or would you like me to recommend someone?"

"Um, I guess I need you to recommend someone. I don't think I care to go back to the one I saw to get the birth control pills," Leah was beyond being bummed.

"You've got to have an abortion," David stated. "You can't raise it on your own. Kids without dads are always brats. You can't do this!"

"David, I am telling you because you have the right to know. I would love for you to want to be a part of this, but I know that you and I are no longer together. I can't have an abortion, I just can't. I am going to have the baby and keep it." Leah was hurt that this man she loved so much could dismiss this so easily.

"Have you told your parents yet?" he inquired.

"No. I won't tell them until I am further along. I don't care to have this same argument with them. I'll wait until it's too late to abort before I tell them." She had already thought this through. She could avoid her parents for a few months; it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It wasn't like they saw each other that often anyway.

"Okay, well then I guess we can get married," David said quietly.

Huh? Where did that come from? "David that is a pretty big step for two people not even going steady"

"Well you can't raise it on your own. You just can't. So I guess we'll get married."

"How about we start by dating again? Moving back in together and see how things go?" Leah was afraid to hope. She loved this man so much. She couldn't explain it. Seems she always fell for the wrong men; the worse they treated her the more she loved them.

Looking back later, she should have realized that he was full of shit. The whole evening, the whole time they were talking he never touched her, never reached out to her. Never held her and told her it would be okay. She went home alone that night, David begging off that he needed time to deal with the news. She never saw him again. He skipped out that night and left her with the mess.

Leah's little brother, James, was twelve. He thought the world of his big sister. She was the ultimate idea of cool in his eyes. They were six years apart and he had always been the bratty little brother. Always trying to get her attention, he would pull pranks on her and do just about anything to get her to turn her gaze toward him.

He had been nine when she moved out and since then, it seemed that he only saw her on holidays. But when she did come blowing into their house, she always had amazing adventures to tell him about, new music to share with him. Alan Parson's Project was one of his favorites. And she would stay up late with him and watch Saturday Night Live. As an adult, that would always be one of his favorite memories, watching SNL with his older sister.

This particular night, James was pissed. He wanted to stay home. He was old enough. His parents had a dinner date with friends and insisted that he come along. He hated these dinner dates. They were boring and they dragged on forever. He pleaded with his mom to let him stay home, but the Petersons' were bringing their kids so she wanted him to come along too. So now, he was stuck sitting in the back seat of the Oldsmobile while his parents chatted to each other in the front.

James didn't see the deer that jumped out on to the highway or the truck that swerved to avoid it. He heard the awful sound of metal smashing into metal as the truck careened into the Oldsmobile. He felt the pain in his arm and shoulder as he was tossed around in the back seat and thrown up against the door of the car. He wondered what the warm liquid was that he felt on his face as the car came to a halt. Then he knew nothing but black.

James opened his eyes. Where was he? What had happened? Then he remembered the crash. He tried to get up to see if his parents were okay but the moment he tried to move the pain in his shoulder shot though his body. He laid still and looked around assessing the situation. The car was crumbled around him, pinning him to the seat. He could see his father, or rather what was left of his father, in the front seat. James' face and upper body were covered in something warm and sticky and as he looked around, he realized it was his mother's blood. It had sprayed all over him as her head had been all but decapitated. He was pinned in the car with the mangled and twisted bodies of his dead parents. As this fact sunk into his brain, James started to scream.

Leah got the phone call that Friday night. It had been a hell of a week for her. Monday she found out she was pregnant; Tuesday she found out that her boyfriend, wait make that ex-boyfriend, was a total chickenshit. Now the hospital was calling asking if she was the daughter of John and Debra Morgan, and could she please come to the emergency room right away. No, they couldn't tell her anything over the phone except that there had been a car accident.

Leah tried to keep herself calm while driving across town to the hospital, but was failing miserably. By the time she reached the emergency room, she was in a panic. The receptionist asked that she have a seat and said the doctor would be out to talk to her in a moment. What seemed like years later, a doctor came out and asked if she was the daughter of the Morgan's. He looked at her with that look of pity and dread that told her the news would not be good. He escorted her into a little room and broke the news of the car wreck and that her parents had died on impact. Something clicked off in her head. She felt it. Suddenly she was watching this happening to herself, like on TV. 'I should be feeling something' she thought to herself. But all she felt was cold.

"And my brother? Was he with them?" Hoping against hope that he had been left at a friend's house.

"Your brother will be fine. He has a broken arm, a dislocated shoulder and is a little bruised up, but he will be fine." Little did this guy know.

"Can I see him? I need to see him?" Leah was suddenly frantic, realizing what James must have gone through. "Please I need to see him now!"

"He is in a treatment room. They are attending to his arm now. He will need to spend the night, but you can see him as soon as they get his arm set."

"No, I have to see him now," Leah was growing hysterical. "He is alone, he is only twelve, and he just witnessed his parents die. You take me too him now!"

"Okay, okay, calm down. I'll take you to the treatment room, but you must stay out of the way while the doctors work on him."

When the doctor pulled back the curtain to the cubicle where James was being treated, Leah could not believe her eyes. James sat there in a daze, as if he had been drugged. His eyes were glazed over and blood was all over his clothes and face. The nurse had cleaned him up some, enough to make sure the blood wasn't coming from any cuts, but there was still blood everywhere.

"James?"

James turned his head toward the sound of her voice. His eyes seemed to focus and he looked almost relieved for a moment, then that moment passed and he reached out to his sister and started crying.

Leah cradled him in her arms while he sobbed. He was quickly becoming hysterical. He was crying, screaming, punching at her while pulling her close, all the emotions and the horror of what he had witnessed finally hitting him full force.

"Leah, Mom and Dad are dead," he wailed. "Her blood was all over me!"

"Shhh, James, it's okay, you'll be okay." Leah didn't know how but she would take care of him.

When James next opened his eyes, he couldn't figure out where he was. As his vision began to focus, he saw his sister asleep in a chair beside his bed. He looked around and realized he was in a hospital. Then the horrors of the night before came back to him. He rolled over on his left side and puked all over the floor.

Leah awoke to the noise of her little brother getting sick and wondered again how she was going to take care of him.

"James?"

"Oh God, Leah. It was awful! There was Mom's blood all over me. I couldn't move. I couldn't help them," James was getting hysterical again. The reality of what he had witnessed was more than he could handle.

"James, its okay, there was nothing you could have done," Leah's heart ached for him.

The nurse came in and gave James a shot to calm him. As the drugs started to take effect, James seemed to relax a bit, still hanging on to Leah with all he had.

"What happens to me now? Will I have to go live in foster care?" It suddenly occurred to James that he was alone.

"No! You won't have to go anywhere James. I'll move back home. We'll be okay. I promise." There really wasn't any decision to make. Leah knew that this was what she had to do. But first, she had to plan the funeral for her parents. Both of her parents had been only children. There was no one else, just her and James. And now the baby she was carrying. 'Oh Lord,' she thought to herself, 'how am I ever going to get through this?'

They released James later that day. He was given a prescription for a few Valium to help him sleep. It was obvious he was quite traumatized by the accident. Leah would have loved to take a few of the little yellow pills herself, 'mother's little helper,' she thought, but was afraid of what it might do to the baby, so she would just have to deal the best she could. The doctor had recommended a psychologist for James and Leah to start seeing. She would call and schedule appointments later. Right now, she had to get through the task of getting their parents buried.

The next few days were really a blur for her. The funeral home walked her through the process of burying her parents. Their lawyers walked her through the forms that needed to be filled out for their parent's life insurance and for her guardianship of James, all the legal stuff that she had no idea would even be necessary. She had called both James' school and hers explaining what had happened and told them that they would be absent for a week or more. Thank God, her parents had plenty of life insurance and her dad had made some wise investments. They weren't rich but there would be enough money for her and James to stay in the house. They could live off of their parent's money for a few years. At least she wouldn't have to worry about how to support James.

The first few nights at the house were tough on them. James would do anything he could to fight off sleep, to avoid the vivid dreams that haunted him. Leah tried not to give him the pills unless she felt there was no other choice. She was afraid of them, but she hated to see James suffering. When he would finally fall asleep most nights he would wake up screaming from horrible nightmares.

During the day, he would go from depression to anger in seconds. Some times his eyes would glaze over and he would just stare into space for what seemed like hours. He would go from demanding her attention, needing to be close to her, hanging on her, to shouting he hated her and that she should just leave. Leah knew he didn't understand all he was feeling. She tried to help him, but how effective could she be when she had so many issues of her own.

She had never felt so alone. Never felt so unloved. Unlovable. Her friends seemed uncomfortable around her and James. They didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do. She knew that David had to have heard about her parents, surely one of their mutual friends would have told him. The fact that she never heard from him cut like a knife. It was as if he was rejecting her all over again.

After the funeral was finally over and all of the well-wishers had left the house she collapsed on the sofa. She had never felt so tired in her life. James came in to find her asleep. He curled up on the floor beside her and stared off into space.

© Melina Catts 2004