2000

It was Wednesday on what was to be Leah's last week of radiotherapy. She was scheduled to see Dr. Moore that morning before her treatment for a routine checkup. Will was taking her, as he wanted to be there to see what the good doctor had to say. Leah was still feeling very weak and was still fighting severe bouts of nausea all most every afternoon, but she was in better spirits as she felt she could finally see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

They arrived at the clinic and were ushered into an office to wait for the doctor.

He was there in only a few minutes, thank goodness. "Good morning." Dr. Moore walked in carrying Leah's charts, "How are you doing Leah?"

"Good morning. I'm hanging in there, but I'm still having mood swings and hot flashes from the Tamoxifen. How much longer before the side effects start to lessen?"

"It usually takes a few months, but it is important that we fight this cancer aggressively."

"Okay, I guess I'll have to hang in there a bit longer then. What about the radiation? Do I get to stop it this week?"

"Yes. I think we should stop the radiotherapy at the end of this week. We will then give you a week off to regain some of your strength before we start you on a round of adjuvant chemotherapy."

"Chemotherapy?" She was in shock. "Why?" It had been mentioned before but she had been in hopes that the radiation would be enough.

"Leah, with the type of cancer you have we must be aggressive in your treatment; even more so because we only did a partial mastectomy.

"How long?" It was almost a whisper.

"We have found the best treatment for breast cancer patients is to give a series of treatments at two week intervals for a period of four months."

Will spoke up, "What does that mean? What exactly will the treatment be like?"

"They will insert a catheter into the vein in her arm, right above the bend in her elbow. This is called a PICC line and will be left in until the treatments are over. Then she will come in twice a week for two consecutive weeks for treatment. It will be done as an outpatient, but plan on spending the entire day at the hospital on the days of treatment. Then she will skip a week or two depending on the severity of her side effects."

"Will I lose my hair?" It was one of Leah's greatest fears.

"The most common side effects are pretty much the same as with the radiotherapy, tiredness, nausea, vomiting, sore mouth or throat. We can prescribe a lose dose of steroids to help with those. Hair loss is a definite side effect and is more prevalent with chemotherapy than with radiation. But we can use what is called a cold cap with you that may minimize the extent of the hair loss. I'm sure that Megan can help you with other alternatives, if you want."

"Four months?" Leah asked.

"I think four months will be sufficient."

Leah turned to Will. She had tears in her eyes.

After the doctor's appointment, they headed over to the hospital for her treatment.

"Leah?" Megan could tell right off something was amiss. When Leah didn't answer, she turned to Will.

"We were just with Dr. Moore."

Megan remembered she had a follow up appointment today, from the looks on their faces Megan feared the cancer had returned.

Will continued, "She is to start chemo the week after next."

"Oh." Megan was relieved but she fought not to show it. This was obviously viewed as a set back for these two. "That was expected wasn't it?"

Leah answered, "I suppose. I mean, it had been mentioned. I guess I was just hoping that this would be it, that I would be done after this week."

Megan took Leah back and got her settled on the table. "It's only for a few months Leah."

"I know, and I know it's important. I guess I'm just having a pity party."

Megan smiled "Nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't wallow in it."

After she had Leah settled on the table and the laser lined up to her breast, she left her to receive her treatment and went to talk to Will.

"I'll check with her doctor to see if we can double up her anti-depressants for a few days."

"I'm not sure she can take four more months. Will she be as sick as she has been with the radiation?"

"It's hard to say. Some patients do fine, others are sick, but we can try medications to lessen the side effects. We will get her through this Will.

On the drive home, Leah was quiet.

"Leah, it will be okay."

"I know."

"I guess we should have expected this. The doctors did mention it before."

"I know. I'll be okay Will. Just let me be pissed off and feel sorry for myself today. Tomorrow I promise I will be better."

Will nodded.

"Can you tell James for me?"

"Sure."

"I just want to go home and crawl into bed."

"Okay."

"Fuck, I don't want to lose my hair."

Will nodded again, but said nothing.

James heard them drive up. This week he had been the one to take care of Leah in the afternoons when she was so sick. Will just couldn't handle seeing her that way and Leah seemed to understand, but lately she had been too sick to care, or maybe even notice.

When James met them in the kitchen, he thought Leah looked a little more pale than usual. "Feeling pretty rough?"

"Yeah, I just want to go to bed."

Will was hovering right behind her, ready to help her if she needed it. "C'mon Leah. I'll help you."

"'K, I just need a drink of water. My throat hurts." She had been having a persistent sore throat, but luckily she hadn't starting having trouble swallowing, which was a common side effect with the radiation treatments that close to her esophagus.

Will got her up the stairs and settled into their bed. She was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. He left her to go talk to James.

"Knock, knock." Will stuck his head in James' bedroom where he was back to work on his laptop.

"What did the doctor say?" James had been waiting to ask him.

"Everything looks good, the doctor seems pleased with her progress," he sighed. "But they want her to start a round of chemo week after next."

James frowned, "She was hoping to be finished up this week."

"She didn't take the news well."

"No, I suppose not. How long?"

"Four months."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

Ryan and Eric had met for lunch at their favorite sushi restaurant. "Have you talked to your mother lately?" Eric inquired.

"No, I talked to James yesterday. Every time I call she's sleeping. James said she was to go back to the doctor this morning so I plan to call again tonight."

"Isn't this her last week of treatment?"

"I think so." Ryan was looking around the room. He didn't like talking about his mother right now.

"Ryan?" Eric decided to try to get Ryan to face the music.

"Hmm?" He was using his chopsticks to play with a spring roll.

"Talk to me."

"About what?" Ryan knew; he was stalling.

"About your mother. About how we keep making excuses not to go over there."

Ryan sighed, "I just hate this. She was fine before all this happened. I know that all that stuff they are doing is suppose to make her well, but she wasn't sick until they started their cure. Now she looks so thin, so gaunt. She looks," he paused. "She looks like a fucking cancer patient!"

Eric frowned. He knew this was hard on his lover, but wasn't sure how to help. "Are we going over there this weekend?" They had missed the last two Sunday night visits, begging off saying it was because Ryan had too much studying, when in fact Ryan simply didn't want to face her.

"I don't know."

"It's not right for you to keep avoiding her."

"I know." It was a whisper.

"Okay, so let's drop in and see her tonight." Eric said it with a confidence he didn't feel.

Ryan looked up with panic in his eyes. "Tonight?"

Eric shrugged, "Sure, you said she had a check up today. We'll stop by to see what they told her."

"Eric," Ryan whined, he did not like this idea.

"Ryan," Eric said firmly, he knew when it was time to push.

Another sigh, "Okay, we'll go."

"Here Leah, drink this." James handed her a bottle of PediaLite when she finally emerged from the bathroom after her latest round of throwing up.

"Augh, that stuff tastes like shit."

"It's not that bad. Megan said it is the best stuff to keep you from getting dehydrated."

"James, fuck off." Leah crawled back into bed and pulled the sheet over her head. "And turn the fan on. I am fucking burning up."

James sat the bottle on her nightstand and walked over to the floor fan, turning it on and pointing it over to the bed. "Better?"

Leah didn't respond. He watched her for a moment then sat back down at his desk and went back to his writing. He had only been typing for a few minutes when a box of tissue came flying through the air, striking him in the head. "Leah? What the hell?"

"Go somewhere else. You're bugging me."

"What am I doing?"

"Typing. Breathing. I don't know. Just go do it somewhere else."

James started to argue with her, to try to get her to talk to him, but then he thought better of it. He picked up his laptop, walked out of the room and down the hall to his bedroom.

He could hear her sobbing from where he sat. He knew she was upset thinking she had another four months of this to look forward to. After letting her cry for a while, he walked back down the hall to her bedroom.

He said nothing as he stood in the doorway and watched her as she lay with her back to the door petting her cat, Patches. His heart ached for her. Finally, he walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge next to her. He began patting her softly on her back. They sat like that until she had finally cried it out. She turned to look at him with red swollen eyes.

"I can't do four more months James. That sounds like a lifetime to me right now."

"Sure you can, besides the chemo may not make you as sick."

"I am so tired of this. I am so tired of feeling like shit, and letting this cancer thing take over my life. It's taking over all our lives: mine, yours, Will's, Ryan's. I just hate it."

James only nodded. He knew that there was nothing to say. She didn't want to hear anymore pat answers.

"Hello? Anyone home?" Ryan called as he walked in the front door.

"In here," James called back from the den where he and Will were watching TV.

"Hey," Ryan said as he and Eric walked into the room. "Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs, lying down. Did she know you were coming?"

"No, we thought we would surprise her." He turned to Will, "What did the doctor say?"

"Just that she was recovering well and that she won't need anymore radiation after this week, but they will start her on chemotherapy the week after next."

Ryan sat down. "Oh. So that's good news right?" He wasn't sure

"Well it's good news that she is recovering and is able to stop the radiation, as for the chemo, the jury is still out."

James looked at him. "Go up and see if she is awake."

Ryan glanced over at Eric. "No, that's okay. I don't want to bother her."

James just shook his head. Everyone was so sure he would be the one to fall apart when Leah got sick, but it seemed to him that he was the only one dealing with it. "She'd love to see you."

Eric said nothing, but nudged Ryan's arm. "Okay," Ryan finally said standing up and leaving the room to go see his mother.

"It's hard for him to see her sick like this," Eric said, looking down at his shoes.

"I know. It's hard for us too." It was also hard for James to remain patient with his nephew, as well as with Will. Leah needed their support.

Leah was propped up in bed reading a book with Patches stretched out across her lap. "Ryan. Hey, come in here. How are you?" She smiled at him. It was always so good to see him.

"I'm okay. How are you?"

Leah just smiled. "What brings you over here?"

"Just checking in on you. What are you reading?"

"Creighton's new one." She placed the bookmark in it and laid it aside.

"Any good?"

"Yeah, not bad. Tell me about your classes. What have you and Eric been up to?"

"Well, let's see classes are good. Oh and Eric and I went to this club the other night. You'd love it, we have to take you there." She smiled; he always treated her as much as his friend as he did his mother. She loved it when he and Eric would take her out on the town.

It was almost an hour later when Ryan came back into the den to find Eric watching TV with James and Will, just as he had left them.

James looked up at him. "She's been missing you, you know."

"Yeah, I'm a shit. I know."

James shook his head. "No, you're not a shit. But avoiding her is not the answer."

Ryan nodded, then turning to Eric "Ready to go?"

Eric stood. "Yeah."

They said their goodbyes and headed out to their car.

"Eric? Thanks."

"For what?"

Ryan smirked, "For making me come over here and see her."

"So I did good?"

"Yes, you did good."

Thursday morning James was driving Leah in for her next to last radiotherapy treatment.

"Are we going to celebrate tomorrow?" he asked.

Leah snorted, "Yeah. Let's go out to lunch." Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

They were silent for a bit. "How are things going with Megan?" She felt bad for snapping at him. He was trying to cheer her up.

She watched James' face light up. "Good. Things are good."

Leah smiled. "When are you going out again?" She liked seeing him happy about something.

"Nosey aren't you? Um, we're going out Saturday night."

"So what's the deal James? You've been out with her how many times? But you've never stayed over. Does she kick you out?" She teased.

James actually blushed. "No, she doesn't kick me out. I don't stay over because I haven't been in her bedroom as of yet."

"What? You haven't slept with her? That is so not like you. Why? I thought you liked her." Now Leah was shocked. It had never occurred to her that James hadn't slept with Megan yet.

"I do like her, Leah. I like her a lot, and I don't want to screw this one up."

Leah looked at her brother, realizing how much she liked the man he had become. "Wow James, that is so sweet." He just gave her a look telling her to drop it.

"Next to last treatment." Megan smiled as they walked in. "How are you today Leah?"

"I'm okay."

Megan took her back to the treatment room. "Feeling a little better about things now?"

"I'm trying to. I am just so tired of all this. I feel like all I do is whine about how terrible I feel, but I am so tired of feeling terrible."

"It's okay Leah, you aren't whining, you're expressing your frustration at having to go through this. It's normal, really."

"Oh, is that what I am doing?" Leah smiled, "Expressing? Ask James about my expressing my frustrations with a box of tissues to his head yesterday."

Megan laughed, "Better that than a coffee pot. Besides, he probably deserved it."

Leah suddenly turned serious. "No, he didn't."

"Oh Leah, its okay. I'm sure he understands." She helped Leah up onto the table and got her settled in. "All set?"

"Zap away."

Megan left her then and went out to talk with James. She was finding herself quickly falling in love with this man and the fact that he had thus far remained such a gentleman both intrigued her and concerned her. Was it really that he wanted to take the relationship slow and do things right? Or was he just not attracted to her?

"Still on for Saturday night?" James asked when she walked back into the waiting area.

"Yep. Where are we going?" She could not suppress her smile.

"I don't know. Is there something special you would like to do?"

She pondered for a moment. "No, surprise me." He smiled back at her.

Then turning serious again, "Megan, is this chemotherapy thing, well is it, routine?"

"Most times, yes. I know Leah was hoping to be done with treatment, but in reality most cancer patients either go through radiation and chemo, or if they only receive one form of treatment they receive it for a longer period of time."

"Will it make her as sick?" He wondered if she could be much sicker.

This was the sixty-four thousand dollar question. "I don't know James. It might, it might not, might be worse. Everyone is different."

"She is getting so angry."

Megan nodded, "That's normal. Remember we talked about the stages? Anger is just another stage she is going through. It will pass, eventually."

James sighed. He just hoped it passed soon.

"Will? Do you have a minute?" James was at the door of the study. It was later that afternoon and Leah had run him out of her bedroom again.

"Sure James. Is Leah asleep?" Usually James stayed pretty close to his sister in the afternoons.

"No, she's awake." He decided against telling Will that Leah had told him she would cut off his balls if he didn't quit hovering over her. "Listen Will, I was thinking. What do you have going on next week?"

What was this about? "You mean as far as work?"

"Yeah."

Will picked up his calendar. "Um, I have a couple of days that aren't too busy. Why?"

"Leah needs a break. She really needs to get away for a few days." Before she kills someone, he thought to himself.

Will wasn't so sure this was a good idea. "Do you think she will feel up to it?"

"By Monday or Tuesday, yeah."

"You have some place in mind?" Will tried not to resent James' suggestion. After all if it wasn't for James being here Will would be having to spend much of his afternoons upstairs tending to Leah. But at times, it felt like James was meddling in their marriage.

"Some place warm and sunny, something to brighten her spirit."

"I'll see what I can do." Will closed his calendar, not convinced this was a good idea at all.

James stared at him in disbelief. "Will, she really needs this."

"I'm just not so sure it's the right time. Maybe it would be better to wait until after the chemotherapy is finished." Will was dismissing him.

"You don't get it do you?" James stated. "I am not asking you to take her white water rafting. Just take her to the beach. Let her lay around in the sun for a couple of days. Let her see something besides the four walls of her bedroom." James was doing his best to remain calm.

"What if she gets sick while we are gone?" This was Will's biggest fear, well that and him not being able to handle it if she were to get sick.

"She won't. And if she does you can handle it." James seemed to read his mind. "God, Will, you aren't afraid of her are you?" James was almost incredulous.

"No. Of course not." He wasn't afraid of Leah, he was afraid of losing Leah. James should know that. "I just don't want to drag her away from her doctors and then have her get sick." He argued more to himself than to James.

"So, clear it with her doctors! Shit Will, quit being a pussy and step up to the plate. This is your wife, damn it." With that, James got up and stormed out.

Will watched him leave, then sat back in his chair. Rubbing his hands over his face, he realized that James was right. He wasn't being fair to Leah. He pulled his day planner back out and began to see what he could move around to clear up a few days.

Friday morning James drove Leah in for her last radiotherapy treatment. She was still upset over having to start the chemotherapy, but was doing her best to not dwell on it.

"You going out tonight?" She asked James.

"No, I don't think so. Why?" James had purposely left this night free hoping that he and Will would be helping her celebrate the end of her treatments.

"No reason, just making conversation." She hated that look of pity in his eyes when he looked at her.

"Leah," James began.

"I don't want to hear it James," she snipped. "I know you feel bad for me, we all feel bad for me. Let's just talk about something else. Okay?"

"Sure."

They road in silence for the rest of the drive.

That afternoon Leah was particularly sick. As James cleaned up after her yet again, he thought back to when she would come home so wasted and he would have to take care of her. He supposed if everything happens for a reason, then that must have been training for this. He sat down on the side of the bed and tried to get her to drink some water. She was sick enough that she was pretty much out of it.

Will was hiding out in his study. James tried to be understanding, knowing that it was hard for him to see Leah this sick, but James couldn't help but feel some resentment. Leah on the other hand seemed to not notice, or maybe she simply chose not to question it. Today he was sure she was sick enough to not really care.

"Leah, here, in the trash can." She was throwing up again, and once again not able to move fast enough to keep from making a mess.

"Sorry," she mumbled as she lay back down on the bed.

"S'alright," James sighed as he went after some more clean towels.

Saturday afternoon Leah was lounging on the sofa watching TV. She was still feeling pretty weak from being so sick the day before. Will came in and handed her a piece of paper.

"What's this?" She looked at what he had handed her. It was a print off from a web page of a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

"What would you say to spending a couple of nights there next week?" Will was grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

Leah's eyes lit up for the first time in days. "Really?"

He loved seeing her happy about something. It had been awhile since he had seen her smile like this. "Sure, if you think you will feel up to lounging around on the beach. Nothing special, but we could enjoy some warm weather and some time together."

"That sounds wonderful Will." She was smiling so hard it was making her face hurt and it felt good.

Will came over and sat down beside her. "I know I haven't been here for you very much the last couple of weeks." He looked her in the eyes.

Leah kissed him. "It's okay, you are dealing as best you can. Besides, James is a pretty good nurse maid," she grinned.

That night James picked up Megan at eight and took her to dinner at a new seafood restaurant that had just opened.

"How is Leah?" Megan had been concerned over Leah's outlook as of late.

"She was really sick yesterday, one of the worst days yet. Today she seemed okay, still pretty tried and weak, but much better than she was yesterday. She and Will are going to Florida next week."

Megan frowned, "Really? Do you think that is a good idea?" She wasn't so sure Leah was up to a trip.

"I think it is an excellent idea. She needs to get away." James had all the confidence in the world about this.

Megan still wasn't to sure. "But she is still so weak, James."

"So she can be weak in Florida. She needs a change of scenery, and some warmer weather." And a chance to reconnect with her husband, but he left that unsaid.

They enjoyed a quiet dinner and the latest romantic comedy at the theater. When James parked the car in front of her building, Megan wondered if she would ever get him to come into her apartment with her.

James walked her up to the apartment door. He turned to kiss her goodnight when they reached the entrance. She smiled up at him. "I had a wonderful time. Thank you."

"You're welcome." He paused, "I was wondering if you would like to come to the house for dinner next week, let me cook for you."

"You can cook too? That sounds wonderful, I would like that."

He bent to kiss her, and as the kiss ended she whispered, "Come inside?"

He searched her eyes for a moment and then seeming to find his answer there, he nodded his head.

They entered the elevator and James kissed her again. By the time the car stopped on her floor, they were both breathless.

Megan turned to exit the car, but James pulled her back. "Wait."

Megan turned to look up at him. Was he going to back out now?

He searched her eyes again. "Are you sure?" He whispered to her, almost scared of the answer.

She smiled up at him, "Yes, aren't you?"

He smiled back, finally reassured that this was what she wanted. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

Sunday morning Leah came down the stairs to find Will sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee, and reading the paper.

"James didn't come home last night," she announced, like it was some grand event.

Will looked up at her mildly amused. "WooHoo, I'll alert the media."

Leah smiled and filled a cup for herself. "Can I help it if I like her, and would love to have her for a sister-in-law?"

"Shit Leah, they have been dating for all of three weeks. Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?"

"I don't know, I have a feeling about this one."

Will simply chuckled. He knew poor James would get the third degree when he finally did come home.

"So are you packed and ready for Florida?" He was ready to change the subject.

"No, but I will be. What time is our flight on Tuesday?"

"At ten, and then we have nothing to do but relax and enjoy the beach until Friday afternoon."

"Sounds wonderful," Leah was thoughtful for a moment. "Will? Can I ask something of you?"

"Sure, what?" He still had his nose in the newspaper.

"Can we, just while we are in Florida, not talk about cancer? Can we pretend for a few days that I'm not sick?"

Will sat his paper down and looked at his wife. He ached for her and all she was going through, he felt a pang of guilt as he realized he had been avoiding her and her cancer, because he could. But she had no place to hide.

"No cancer while we are in Florida, I promise," he said quietly.

© Melina Catts 2004

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