2000

By Leah's second week of radiotherapy she had a pretty set schedule. James or Will would take her to the hospital for her treatment. She would be home shortly before noon. She seldom even attempted lunch anymore; it wouldn't stay down anyway. She would head straight up to bed and would either read or try to sleep before the intense nausea would hit her. It usually would pass some time either in the late afternoon or early evening. She would then take a nap before emerging from her room for some supper.

She really didn't want either Will or James around once she came home from treatment until she came out of her room later that day. Will seemed to understand, but James fretted over her self-imposed solitude. She wasn't so sick she couldn't take care of herself, she just felt rotten enough that anyone's presence tended to get on her nerves. She had snapped at James so many times the last two weeks. If she could keep him away from her when she was at her worst it would save him having to endure her wrath over nothing. It had more to do with her hormones from the Tamoxifen than it did with her nausea.

"Hi, Leah. How are you feeling today? Is that cream helping the rash?" Megan asked as she helped Leah on to the table to receive yet another dose of radiation. The skin on Leah's left breast had become inflamed shortly after the treatments had begun.

"I'm still so weak. Does it get better?" She was tired of being tired.

"Yes, but not until about 3 weeks or so after you have completed the treatments."

"Augh. I am so sick of lying in bed."

"How about the rash?"

"It still itches like crazy." It was keeping her up at night, yet another joy of radiation; itchy skin, intense nausea and fatigue. This, added to the mood swings and hot flashes from the hormone therapy, was about to cause Leah to go insane and maybe take Will and James with her.

"Let me see if I can find you something else to try on it." Megan was looking in her cabinets to see what they could try. They had gone through most everything Megan had. Nothing was giving Leah much relief. "Here, try this one."

"Okay, thanks."

"Leah? Has Will seen your incision yet?" This was a question Megan had asked before.

"Um, no." This was the same answer she always received.

"Leah, you know that you need to do this. He needs to see it. It is part of the healing process for you two. Do you want me to talk to him? Is he avoiding this?"

"No. It's not him."

"Okay, tonight I want you to show it to him. I know you're weak, but there is no reason for you to not be intimate with your husband, you don't have to have sex, but you need to experience closeness. This is important for both of you."

Leah said nothing, just nodded her head and tried to keep the tears in her eyes from rolling down her cheeks. She was so tired of crying, but the thought of Will seeing her mangled breast was more than she could bear.

Megan left her then to go out and visit with James. She had really come to enjoy her chats with him. Will still brought Leah in, but this week it had mainly fallen on James to drive his sister.

"Hi, James. How are you today?"

He looked up from his laptop and said, "Good, and you?"

Megan smiled. "I'm good. How are things at home?"

"I don't know. Leah is still so weak. It seems like all she does is sleep. I'm worried that she is still depressed."

"The sleeping is to be expected James, it will pass once the treatments are over. I think her depression seems better. Is she still on the pills?"

"Yeah. I give them to her in the morning with the others."

"How is Will doing?"

"He seems okay. I don't know, I guess we don't talk about it much."

Megan nodded. She was concerned about Leah's self imagine. Leah needed to start taking steps to regain her sense of sensuality. Will needed to start taking steps to show Leah she was still desirable. If things didn't start moving that way soon she would need to intervene or recommend a visit with a counselor. She thought that the whole family would likely benefit from some counseling. They were all hurting.

James watched Megan making her notes, trying to get up the nerve to ask her out. He had told himself everyday for the last week and a half that he would ask her, but he didn't have the courage. Finally, he took a deep breath and told himself it was now or never.

"Megan?"

"Yeah?" She was still writing in her charts.

"I was wondering if um, maybe you would go to dinner with me some time?"

Megan's pen stopped moving. She looked up at James; it was obvious that she had been caught completely off guard by his question. "Dinner?"

James' mouth felt suddenly so dry. He tried to swallow. "Um, Yeah." Why did she make him so nervous?

Then Megan smiled, "Sure, I'd love to have dinner with you."

"You would? I mean, great. Um, tomorrow night?" He suddenly felt sixteen again.

"Tomorrow night would be fine."

James was dying to tell Leah about his upcoming date, but she fell asleep almost as soon as she got in the car after her treatment. She was sleeping so soundly he had trouble even getting her to wake up to go into the house when they got home.

Once he got her tucked into bed he went looking for Will. Finding him in the study, James came in and sat down in one of the chairs across from his desk.

Will looked up from his work and said, "How did things go this morning?"

"Okay, I guess. Are you still planning to take her tomorrow?"

"Oh that's right. You have an appointment with a publisher don't you?"

"Yeah. It's at ten o'clock."

"Okay, sure I'll plan on taking her in tomorrow, no problem."

James thought for a moment and then said, "Um, Will? I haven't said anything to Leah about meeting with this publisher."

Will stopped what he was working on. "You haven't?"

"No. I guess we haven't really spent much time talking lately."

"No kidding." Will nodded, he knew the feeling. He and Leah hadn't spent much time doing anything lately. "So you don't want me to say anything either? What should I tell her if she asks?"

James said, "I guess I don't care if she knows, just be prepared for her to be pissed that no one told her."

"Maybe if you're lucky she'll feel bad enough not to care."

James shook his head, chuckling, "That's terrible, Will."

"Yeah, it was."

Leah immerged from her bedroom around eight that evening. She found Will in the den, relaxing in front of the television.

"Leah. How are you feeling?"

"Um, okay I guess."

"You want something to eat? You should eat something." He knew she hated them to constantly push food at her but she was losing weight; weight that she didn't have to lose.

"Yeah, okay." She followed him into the kitchen and sat at the table while he warmed up some soup. It was about the only thing they could get her to eat.

As she sat there she tried to come up with a graceful way to broach the subject of her mutilated body as Megan had been prompting her to do. Finally she decided there was no good way to say it. Besides, she really had no desire for Will to see her, let alone have any intimacy with him. Since the surgery, they had only shared a few chaste kisses. The thought of anything more caused Leah feel extreme despair. Will seemed to sense this, as even though they never spoke of it, he instinctually gave her space.

"Will, I think I want to go back to bed" she said. After all the thoughts that had been going through her head, she no longer felt like eating.

Will turned, looking at her, trying to decide what brought on the sudden change in her mood. "Eat some of this first, okay?"

Leah couldn't answer; as the waves of despair washed over her, she put her head down on the table and sobbed.

"Leah? Hey," Will was as her side. "Leah? Come on. Hey. Talk to me."

She still had her head in her arms on the table. Will was rubbing her back, trying to get her to calm down. He wanted to take her in his arms, but wasn't sure she would let him.

"Leah, come on," he tried again. "Talk to me." He knew better than to ask what was wrong. That question had gotten his head bitten off a few days ago.

"I just want to go to bed, okay?"

"Okay, let me help you." Will decided to give up on the food for now.

He helped her up the stairs and settled her into the bed. When he came back into the kitchen to put away the now cold soup, James was pulling a soda from the refrigerator.

"Did she eat anything?" he asked.

Will didn't answer; he just started cleaning up the stove.

"Will?" James could tell he was upset. "Will? What's wrong? Is she okay?"

Will finally stopped what he was doing, turned around and said, "I don't know James. She won't talk to me; she doesn't want me to touch her. She will barely even look at me. I guess I don't understand."

James only nodded. He has sensed that his sister and Will's relationship had been strained but he was at a loss as to what to do.

"James, go talk to her. Please? Maybe she will confide in you."

"Yeah, okay." He would rather it stay between them, but someone had to do something.

James knocked lightly on Leah's bedroom door. There was no answer so he rapped again a little harder this time.

"Leah?" He knew she wasn't asleep. When she still didn't respond he turned the knob and pushed the door ajar slightly. She was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Can I come in?"

She sighed, "If I say no will you go away?"

He frowned; she wasn't going to make this easy on him. "No, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

"I have nothing to tell you."

He came in and sat down next to her on the bed. "Come on Leah, you can tell me."

She began to cry again, "No. I can't."

"Why not?" He felt so sorry for her.

"'Cause you're my brother."

"So why can't you talk to Will?"

"'Cause he is my husband."

Okay, this made no sense to James at all. He sat there trying to decide what to do next when it suddenly occurred to him. He picked up the phone on the night stand and began dialing.

"Megan?" Leah opened her eyes. He wasn't!

"Megan, this is James, sorry to bother you, but could you talk to Leah for a little bit. I think she needs," he paused, not sure what she needed, "Well, I think she needs to talk." He handed the phone to Leah and left the bedroom hoping Megan could sort out what was going on.

When he came down stairs, Will was back in the den. "Well?" Will looked up at him, waiting for an answer.

James shrugged, "She's not talking to me either. I left her on the phone with Megan, maybe she can help."

Will nodded.

"Will, I think it has to do with sex."

"Sex? What makes you think that?"

"Because that is the one thing she and I don't discuss. So if she won't talk to me about it then I figure it has to do with that. Besides, sex is tied up with self esteem."

Will shook his head. "James, sex hasn't exactly been a priority as of late. I doubt it has anything to do with that."

James only shrugged and walked back out of the den.

Will sat in the recliner thinking, maybe James was right. The more he thought, the more he realized that Leah was probably worrying over how she would look to him. Worrying that he would no longer find her desirable. In fact he had read something about that in some of the literature early on. He had forgotten about it in all the fuss over her treatments and her day-to-day care. Shit. This was so like Leah, to be a drama queen over every little thing. He got up and headed to the kitchen to warm the soup back up.

While Will was warming up the soup, Leah was talking to Megan.

"I feel so ugly. So damaged. Then I feel guilty because I only had a partial mastectomy. I mean, there are women who lose their whole breast, even both of them, and here I am crying over losing just part of mine like it's the end of the world."

"Leah, just because you didn't lose the whole breast doesn't mean you should feel less sad over what you lost. Your loss is just as real to you. It is perfectly normal to mourn it, to feel differently about yourself. But you need to share this with your husband; it's a mistake to cut him off from this. You have to trust him to understand. I have a feeling he will be very supportive of what you are going through. Give him a chance."

"Okay, I'll try." She didn't sound very convinced.

As he entered their bedroom with a tray in his hands, Leah was hanging up the phone.

"I brought you some soup Leah. You really need to try to eat."

"Yeah, okay." She sat up propping up the pillows behind her. She seemed calmer, more subdued.

He sat the tray down on the dresser across from her and said, "But first we're going to talk."

Leah didn't say anything, just looked down at her hands in her lap.

Will sat down next to her. "This is about your scar isn't it?"

Leah only nodded, still not looking at him.

"Leah, I'm sure it is not nearly as bad as you think it is."

She finally found her voice, but she still couldn't look him in the eye. "It's not so much what I think you will feel about me as it is what I feel about myself."

Will took her chin in his hand, pulling her head up so he could look her in the eyes. "Leah, you are still you. You are still beautiful, smart, funny, all the things I fell in love with. None of that has changed."

"One thing has," she argued.

"What?"

"My left tit."

Will smiled and said, "Oh yeah, that's why I married you, for your left tit. Leah, it doesn't matter. Here let me see. Let me see this thing that is so horrible it will scare me away." He began pulling her night shirt up.

At first she fought him, but then she remembered what Megan had told her, and finally she released the bottom of her shirt and allowed it to be pulled over her head. After the shirt had been removed, Will carefully pulled away the bandages over her breast.

"Leah, it's not so bad. All the fuss over this?" He leaned in and kissed her. "See? I still love you."

She was doubtful, wondering if he was telling the truth, but she saw the look in his eyes and could feel his hand gently squeezing hers. She finally grinned at him, a small one, but a grin all the same.

"Here, put this back on and eat some soup." Will helped her with her nightshirt and then set the tray of soup and crackers in front of her. While she was eating, he went into their bathroom and began running water into the tub.

"What are you doing?" Leah asked.

"I'm making us a bubble bath. You can take baths now right?" Her stitches had been removed a few days ago.

"Yeah, I can take baths now."

"Good, then you and I will take a relaxing bubble bath. Okay?"

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Because I love you, silly."

The next morning Will took Leah in for her treatment. She never questioned who took her on what days or why, so Will didn't have to explain what her brother was up to. Will suspected that James didn't want to tell her until a publisher accepted his book. That way he didn't have to tell her if they rejected it. James could handle failure, he couldn't handle the feeling he had let his sister down.

Megan was waiting for her. She said, "Leah, you look good today."

"I actually got some sleep last night. That cream finally stopped the itching."

"It's amazing how much better things can be after a few hours of sleep. How did things go after we talked?"

Leah smiled a shy smile, "Good. I'm sorry, I bet you don't have many patients that are as difficult as me."

At that Megan laughed, "Oh honey. You have no idea."

After Megan got Leah settled in for the treatment, she couldn't help but ask. "Where is that brother of yours today?"

"Hmm? I don't know. Probably still home in bed."

"I'm looking forward to tonight."

"What's tonight?"

Oops. Megan was surprised that James hadn't told her. "Um, James is taking me to dinner," she said.

"Really? Shit! He didn't tell me. That's great Megan."

Once again, Leah slept on the drive back home. Will was concerned over how out of it she seemed to be when he got her home. After finally getting her out of the car, up the stairs and into bed, he sat in the chair across from their bed and watched her sleep. That's where James found him when he came home.

"Hey," he said softly, walking into their bedroom, "Is she okay?"

Will looked up at him and shrugged, "She seemed pretty out of it when we got home."

James nodded, "She just needs to sleep. Come on downstairs, I'll fix us something to eat."

Will stood, followed James down to the kitchen, and asked, "How did your meeting go?"

James looked back over his shoulder at him and grinned. "After being rejected by every publisher in California, I think I may finally get this damn book published. It went well."

"Is this the same book Leah has been helping you with?"

"No, this is one that I finished almost a year ago. It's about a guy trying to break into the acting business."

"Ah, sounds very Californian."

James chuckled, "Yeah, it is, but I like to think it has heart."

The two men sat at the table eating the sandwiches James had prepared. Will's mind was on his wife upstairs. "She still has two more weeks of this."

James nodded, "She was pretty sick yesterday too. At least she has a couple days off now to recoup." The silence fell back between them.

James was cleaning up the dishes he turned to Will and said, "Go on to your study and work. I'll check on her before I start my writing."

Will said nothing, just continued to sit at the table and stare off into space.

"I can take my lap top in your bedroom and work, that way I can keep an eye on her," James said. He wasn't sure that it was really needed, but if it eased Will's mind he'd do it.

Will looked at him and nodded, then got up and headed to his study, still saying nothing.

James climbed the stairs and went to his sister room. She was asleep in her bed. He placed his palm on her forehead, it felt clammy, but she seemed to be sleeping soundly so he headed off to his room to write.

He had been working about an hour when he heard a loud thump. When he got down the hall to Leah's room, she was on the floor beside the bed. It appeared she had fallen.

"Leah?" He was at her side.

She opened her eyes, looking around, more than a bit disoriented. "James? What happened?"

"I was going to ask you."

Before she could answer, her stomach began to spasm, as it had been every afternoon for the last week. James grabbed the trashcan, holding it up to her.

Will entered the bedroom to find James and Leah still on the floor. Leah had her head in the trashcan and was experiencing dry heaves. James was holding her up and stoking her hair. He turned as Will came in. "Will, go get us a wet towel please," James said.

James spoke so calmly that for a moment Will just stood there. Then Will's gag reflex got the best of him and he raced past them to the bathroom where he threw up the sandwich he had eaten earlier.

Will came back out into the bedroom looking pale and somewhat peeked. He handed James the warm wet towel he had asked for. James smirked at him, "Candyass."

"Hey," Will said in his defense. "I never could handle the sound of someone being sick."

Leah's dry heaves had passed for the moment. They were still sitting on the floor; Leah was leaning back onto James as he sat behind her. James took the towel and wiped her face. "Well then you better steer clear of this room for a few hours." She gave her pale husband a look that said 'double candyass' from me.

Will nodded, "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she'll be fine."

"I think she is falling asleep again James."

"C'mon Leah, lets get you back in bed," James said as he and Will helped her back into bed.

"I'll go get my laptop and work in here for awhile," James said. Will nodded and went back to his study, relieved that James was there to take care of her.

When Leah opened her eyes, she was surprised to see her brother sitting on the floor by her bed. He had his back to her, propped up against the side of her bed, with his laptop in front of him, on her dinner tray from the night before.

"What time is your date tonight?"

James jumped at the sound of her voice. "Shit. Leah, give me a heart attack, why don't you?"

It would have been funny if only Leah felt good enough to laugh. She didn't so she only stared at her brother, waiting for his answer.

"Um. I pick her up at seven. I've been dying to tell you, but you haven't exactly felt up to talking much."

She nodded sleepily. "Where are you taking her?" she asked around a yawn.

"I was thinking of Jake's" He watched her for a moment, gauging if she was awake enough to tell her about the book. "Leah? Um, I sent off my manuscript of Time Lost a few weeks back." Time Lost was the name of his first novel.

"And?"

He grinned, "I think it may see print after all."

"Oh James. That is great." She really was happy for him, she hoped he could tell. She just felt too rotten to show it. "Speaking of lost time what time is it?"

He looked at his watch. "Almost five. You feel up to eating?"

"Yeah, help me up. I want to get out of bed for awhile."

James came into the den to tell Leah and Will goodbye before he left to go pick up Megan. Will was sitting on the sofa watching TV; Leah was asleep with her head on a pillow in his lap. Will looked up as he walked in. "You going out?"

James grinned, "I'm taking Megan out."

"You sly dog, you," Will chuckled.

"Yeah. Well, don't wait up."

"So what's your story?" Megan asked. She was sitting across from James at the restaurant.

"My story? Do I have to have a story?" James wasn't sure if she meant his life, or his book.

She smiled at him, "You know what I mean. Tell me about you." James looked at her and thought 'That smile will be the death of me.'

"Oh, well that might be a very boring story. I was born and raised here in Minneapolis; went to school at the University of Minnesota; moved to California to chase my dreams; finally realized that my dreams were here. So I came back."

"And what are your dreams?" She wanted to know what made this guy tick. She could sense there was much more than appeared on the surface.

"To write, to be near my family, maybe even start a family of my own." He refilled their wine glasses.

"How is your writing? Would you let me read something you wrote?" Maybe that would give her some insight into his mind.

"Of course you can read something. I just got word today that the manuscript for my first novel has been accepted, so I have to say my writing is going well." He couldn't help but smile as he told her. "So what about you? What is your story?"

"Well, I am from a little town in Oklahoma." Megan began. "I went to school at the University of Oklahoma in Norman. I fell in love while I was there and moved here with him after we graduated. Once we got here things sort of fell apart for us. I was working in the billing department of a hospital then. That is when I decided I wanted to go into nursing. So I enrolled in school and here I am." She actually blushed as she told him of her first love.

The waiter came up to see if they needed anything. Once they were alone again James inquired more about her. "So your family? They are still in Oklahoma?"

"Yep. I try to get back to see them a few times a year. They have come here a few times too."

"Do you have brothers or sisters?"

"I have a younger sister. She still lives in Oklahoma. She is married and has two kids. My parents are still in the house I grew up in."

James nodded.

Now it was Megan's turn. "What about your parents? Do they still live here?"

That question still haunted him. He had never found a good way to answer it. "No. Um. They died when I was young."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

He grinned. "Don't be. It's okay. It was along time ago."

"So it's just you and Leah then?" That would explain a lot.

"Yep, just us. Well, plus Will and Ryan."

The rest of the evening flew. James found Megan so easy to talk to. She was so warm and caring. He couldn't believe how comfortable he was with her. They enjoyed a long leisurely dinner, then James took her to a quiet pub where they sat, talking over a few drinks. Finally he took her back to her apartment. They were quiet at they pulled up in front of her building.

"I had a really great time." She seemed to be sincere.

James smiled. "I did too. Let me walk you to the door."

As they got out of the car James took her hand. "I would love to see you again."

She blushed. "I would like that too."

When they got to the entryway James bent down and kissed her, tentatively at first and then bolder as she responded to his touch.

"Would you like to come in for coffee?"

Now it was James' turn to blush. He looked down for a moment. "Yeah I would, but I really like you. I don't want to mess this up. I want to do this right, and I am afraid that if I go in there things will start moving too fast. So will you forgive me if I say good night right here?"

She was so touched but his words. She reached up and kissed him again. When they pulled back this time they were both out of breath.

Yes, she would be the death of him. "Can I call you?"

"Yes, please."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes."

They kissed one more time, then James forced himself to pull away and open her door. If they stood there any longer his resolve would melt. He really wanted to take the time and do this right.

Saturday morning Leah woke up feeling almost human. Knowing that she didn't have to go in and be radiated for a couple of days did a lot to improve her mood. She left Will in bed and padded down to fix herself something to eat.

Will awoke only a few moments later to find he was in bed alone. He got up and checked the bathroom. When he didn't find Leah there he headed down stairs to make sure she was okay.

"Leah? What are you doing?"

"Fixing pancakes. Want some?"

"You should have woke me and told me you were hungry. I could have got up and cooked you something." He walked to the counter to take over the task.

"It's okay Will. I feel half way decent today. I don't mind. Really." She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed him.

Not one to miss a meal, James came wondering into the kitchen just as Leah was setting the plate of pancakes on the table.

"Morning James. Hungry?"

"Wow. Are you feeling better today?"

"Yep. Here sit down and fix a plate."

As James was pouring sticky syrup on his pancakes Leah could wait no longer. "Well, how was last night?"

James could not contain the smile that broke out on his face.

"Wow. That good huh?" Leah loved seeing him smile like that.

James blushed. "Yeah, we had a good time."

Hoping that this wasn't just one of her brother's sexual conquests she asked. "Are you going to see her again?"

"Yeah." Oh yeah, definitely.

"Cool."

"Yeah, it is."

© Melina Catts 2004

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