2000

The week following the surgery was uneventful for the most part. Leah no longer had her arm in the sling, but was surprised at how much her arm and shoulder hurt. She still had the drain lines in and would for another week or so. She had begun the Tamoxifen, the drug to block her hormones, and was already starting to experience the side effects from it. The main effects she noticed were hot flashes. Only there was no flash about it, she was simply hot. All the time.

It was the Sunday before she was to start the radiotherapy; Leah was taking a nap. She had asked Ryan and Eric over for dinner. They had agreed to come, but insisted that they provide the meal. James found Will in the den.

"Hey."

"James, what's up?"

James sat down on the sofa. "I was thinking that I could take Leah to the hospital for her treatments. I mean it would be easier for me to rearrange my writing around her treatments then you."

"It's not that big a deal for me James, I mean she is my wife."

"I know, and I know you would do anything for her. It's just," he stopped for a moment, "I want to do this. Is that okay?"

Will nodded, he did understand. They both felt so helpless and Leah was feeling bad enough that she really didn't want either of them around. It made them feel like there was nothing they could do. "How about this? You take her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? I'll do Tuesdays and Thursdays?"

James grinned, "Deal."

That evening Ryan and Eric arrived carrying food. They had stopped by the local Chinese restaurant on the way over.

Ryan was surprised at how tired his mother looked. He hadn't seen her since she had been dismissed from the hospital. She had dark circles under her eyes and they seemed dull, missing their usual spark.

"Hi, Mom. How are you feeling?"

Leah had come to hate that question. It seemed like a test, one that she failed. The person asking the question wanted to hear she was doing well, but in truth, she felt like crap. She kept thinking that the next day would be better, that the next day she would regain some of her stamina, but she continued to feel tired and weak.

They sat down in the den to eat their food while watching TV. It had become a Sunday night tradition for Leah, Ryan, and Eric. Some nights Will would join them and now James had been included since he had been back home. Tonight it was all five of them.

"Leah, is your shoulder hurting you?" Eric asked. He couldn't help but notice the way she kept her arm close to her body.

"Um, yeah, it's pretty stiff since the surgery."

"Here, sit down here in front of me." She moved over to the floor and Eric began massaging her shoulder.

"Wow. That feels great. Where did you learn to do this?"

Eric grinned. "I had a friend that was studying to be a masseuse. He taught me a few things."

"I can only imagine," she smiled at her son. "Ryan, you need to keep this one around."

After Eric had massaged her shoulder, she crawled back up on the sofa and curled up around Will. The show they were watching wasn't even half over when she fell asleep.

"So she starts radiation tomorrow?" Ryan inquired.

James answered, "Yeah, I am going to take her."

"I don't have morning classes on Tuesdays or Thursdays so I would be available to take her on those mornings if you needed me to," Ryan offered.

"Okay, thanks. Will and I will trade off for now."

"Okay, but if something comes up or you need a break, call me."

"Thanks," said James.

"She looks like shit."

"Ryan!" Eric was shocked he would state it so bluntly.

"Well, she does."

Will spoke up, "It's only been a little over a week. Give her time. She'll bounce back." It had the sound of someone whistling in the dark to keep up their courage.

The next morning James drove Leah to the hospital to begin her treatments. Megan was there to meet them.

"Hello Leah. How are you doing?"

Augh, there was that question again. "Okay, I guess."

"Are you having any side effects from the Tamoxifen?"

"Yeah, I am. Hot flashes mainly."

"Okay, that's typical. Anything else?"

"My shoulder is really tight, hard to move, and I have a numb spot in my arm pit."

"Are you doing those exercises I gave you for your shoulder?"

"Yes, I am."

"Okay, keep doing those, the muscles will loosen up."

Megan went on to explain what would be happening to her that morning. She showed them the room and the machine. She introduced Dr. Thomas to them. He would be overseeing her radiotherapy. They went over the possible side effects again and told Leah things she needed to watch for as a sign of trouble. Megan explained that they would tattoo small marks on her breast to ensure the same area was being treated each time. After making sure to have all of Leah and James' questions answered, Megan ushered James back out to the hall and assisted Leah in getting ready for the treatment.

Megan was back out into the hall a few moments later. "The technician is giving her the treatment now. It will last thirty minutes then they will let her get dressed and you can take her home."

"Okay, Thanks."

Megan smiled, she couldn't help it, she thought James was so endearing. "Remember, she more than likely will be fine today, but as these treatments continue she will experience more sickness from them. So how do you think she's doing?"

"I don't know. She sleeps a lot."

Megan nodded, that was normal. "How are you doing?"

"Me?" James grinned. "I'm okay."

"You know, cancer doesn't just happen to the patient. It affects the whole family."

"That's for sure."

"So you need to take care of yourself and of each other."

James nodded and said, "We are."

"Do you live near your sister?"

"Um, right now, I live with them. I just moved back from California."

"Because of her illness?"

"No, actually I moved back a few days before she was diagnosed."

"Oh. Where were you living in California?"

"L.A."

"And you came back here?"

James grinned, "La La Land's not all it's cracked up to be."

"No I imagine it's not. How is her husband?" She looked back at her charts. "Will?"

"Yeah, Will. He's okay. Listen, Megan, how sick will Leah be with all this?" It was a question that had been bugging James.

"The first few days I would just expect fatigue, maybe some nausea. After the first week the nausea may get worse, if it does we can give her some medicine to keep it under control."

"Will she lose her hair?"

"Probably not with the radiotherapy, if she has to have chemo later on then she may."

James nodded, not exactly what he wanted to hear, but he supposed it could be worse.

"Okay, well I better get going, I have another patient due in soon. You take care of yourself James."

"Thanks Megan, I will."

When they got home from the hospital Will was fixing lunch. Leah had completely lost her appetite since the surgery. Will had been trying to tempt her with food whenever he could.

"Hey. How did it go?"

"Oh I don't know. It went." Leah was getting really tired of all the talk about cancer. She was tired of Will and James trying to act as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Want some lunch? I made potato soup."

"Um, I'll try some, but I'm not very hungry." Leah was also tired of everyone trying to push food at her. Most of all she was tired of trying to please them.

She ate a few bites then excused herself to go lay down. She wasn't sleeping as much as they thought, but she felt like being in bed, alone. If she went in her bedroom and closed the door, Will and James would leave her alone. Otherwise they were hovering over her wanting to get her something, make her more comfortable, take care of her. It was more than she could handle.

After she left the kitchen James and Will ate in silence, then together straightened up the kitchen.

James finally broke the quiet "Do you feel as helpless as I do?"

"Oh God. I never thought I could feel this useless."

Tuesday morning Will and Leah were in the car driving to the hospital.

"So what? You and James playing tag team?"

Will was confused. "What?"

"Taking me to treatment? You guys taking turns?"

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I don't care." She laid her head back closing her eyes. "You could hire someone to do it for all I care."

"Oh. Thanks." Will wasn't sure how to take that.

"No. Will. I don't mean it like that. I just mean I feel like shit. I'm sorry. I'm being awful aren't I?"

"It's okay; you have a pretty good excuse." He hoped he sounded like he wasn't just handing her a line.

When they arrived at the hospital Megan was there to meet them again.

"Hi Leah. How did you get along yesterday afternoon?"

"Okay."

"Any nausea? Fatigue?"

"I don't know, not more than usual I guess."

Megan took her into the treatment room and helped her get ready. She gave her some cream to start using on her breast and explained that it would help her skin from getting so dry from the radiation.

When Megan came out, she sat down with Will for a moment.

"Hi, Will. How are you doing?"

"I'm okay."

"Good. How do you think Leah is doing?"

Will sighed, "I am worried that she's not eating enough."

Megan nodded and made a note on her notebook. "Anything else? James mentioned she sleeps a lot."

"Yes, she stays in bed most of the time."

"How are her moods? Is she having mood swings?"

"I don't know how much they swing, but she is definitely not in a very good mood."

Megan made a couple more notes. "Well, that's to be expected, the Tamoxifen will cause that for awhile, until her body adjusts to the change in her hormones. How are you doing Will?" She asked again.

"I'm okay."

"Are you?"

"Oh, I have my moments. I guess we all do."

Megan took the opening in the conversation. "How is James handling his sister's illness?"

Will smiled at her. "If I didn't know better I would swear you were fishing to see if anyone needed counseling."

Megan smiled back. "Guilty. As a breast care nurse, I spend more time with the family then any of the doctors or other health care professionals, so I guess I am what you would call the first line of defense. I just try to see if there are any needs and then point you in the direction to seek the help. Whatever the needs may be."

"James is doing okay. He and Leah are close so this is hard on him, but he keeps up a good front around her."

"He recently moved in with you?"

"Yes, a couple weeks ago."

Megan was dying to ask more, but on a professional level, it just wasn't appropriate. So she moved on.

"How is her son handling it?"

"Ryan? Ryan is a rock. He is good. I mean he's worried, it is his mother, but he's good. Leah tries to shield him from it. When she was first diagnosed, she didn't want us to tell Ryan. Like she thought she could go through all this and he not know. Crazy huh?"

"Actually no. It is very typical of parents to want to spare their children having to see them go through this. Not realistic, but very typical."

Will nodded.

"Okay, I better get back to work. It was good talking to you Will. You have my number. If you need anything, call me. Not just for Leah, I am here for the family. I mean that too, call me. Most people think they're imposing, but it's what I'm here for."

"Thanks Megan."

When Will and Leah returned home she went straight to bed, begging off lunch saying she wasn't feeling well.

Will went to his study to get caught up on his work. Leah's illness was taking its toll on his work, another causality of the cancer.

Later that afternoon James took a break from his writing to get something to drink. When he walked into the kitchen Leah was sitting at the table sipping a soda.

"Wow. She's up." he teased.

"Yeah, well don't get too excited. I'm not up for long."

He noticed the antacid beside her glass. "Not feeling too well?"

"Nope."

He sat down at the table with her. "Leah…" he started

"James." She cut him off.

He frowned. "Is there something I can do?"

"No. There is nothing you can do. Nothing Will can do. Except leave me the fuck alone." She stood up and left the kitchen, going back to her room, back to bed.

James sat there stunned and hurt by her outburst.

Wednesday morning and it was James' turn again.

"Ready?" He walked into the kitchen where she was sitting.

"Yeah," she sighed and stood up. "Sorry about biting your head off yesterday."

He grinned, "Don't mention it." It's not like it was the first time.

Megan took Leah back to the treatment room.

"Leah, are you eating?"

Leah smiled; somebody had been talking. "I try."

"Are you sleeping?"

"Not much, no."

"Dr Moore wrote you a prescription for some antidepressants."

Oh God. Not more pills. "Do I need them?"

"I think they might help, yes."

"I don't want anything that will make me more tired."

"They shouldn't make you tired, but they should help you sleep. Give them a try. Okay?"

"Okay." Leah wasn't too enthused.

"How is the nausea?"

"Um, getting worse. I couldn't eat anything yesterday. I felt pretty sick all afternoon."

"We can give you something for that too."

"Oh great, more pills." Leah tried to smile.

"Have you tried any of the OTC antacids?"

"Just Alka Seltzer."

"And? Did it help?"

"Some I guess."

"If it gets to the point you are not able to keep anything down, even water, then we'll want to give you something. You will tell me if it gets worse?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you."

Megan left her and went to speak to James.

"Hi, James. Your turn today?"

James smiled. He was starting to look forward to seeing Megan. "Yep, my turn."

"How is she doing?"

James thought for a moment, not sure how to put it into words. "I'm not sure how to say it."

"Well then, give me a for instance."

James relayed what had happened the day before in the kitchen. "It just seems her emotions are right under her skin. She can go from being fine, to being unbelievably angry or to a puddle of tears on the floor, in an instance over nothing. Will and I are walking on eggshells. But most of all she doesn't want us around her."

"Well, when you don't feel well you often don't want people around."

"No, not Leah. She is the biggest baby when she is sick. She wants everyone to make a fuss and dote over her. It's not like her to close herself in her bedroom all day like this."

Megan nodded and said, "I think she is struggling with depression more than likely aggravated by the hormones she's taking. Dr. Moore has prescribed an antidepressant for her. You'll need to take her to get it filled before you go home today, and make sure she takes it. I got the feeling she wasn't too convinced that it would help."

James nodded, "Okay."

"James does Leah work outside of the home?"

"No, she use to train dogs, but she hasn't taken one on in over a year. Not since her dog died."

"Does she have any hobbies?"

"She plays piano and she dabbles in photography."

"Has she been doing any of that?"

James shook his head. "And I don't think we could get her to. I really don't think she feels up to it."

Megan nodded and made some notes. "Try to find something you can get her to do. Something she would enjoy. Of course it would need to be something not too strenuous. Some times there is more to treating depression than just taking a pill for it."

James nodded, not sure at all what he could get Leah interested in doing.

"Is she home alone during the day?"

"No, both Will and I are there. Will works out of the house and I am a writer."

"A writer? Anything I would know?"

"Probably not. I have published a few short stories in magazines. I'm working on my first novel now." James blushed. He found himself suddenly very self-conscious. Women usually didn't have that effect on him, but Megan made him feel like a teenager.

"So you are both home with her. That's good. But she just stays in her bedroom all day?"

"Yep."

"We need to work on that. She needs rest, but she also needs to have a life. It's important that she do something with her day besides going to cancer treatments."

James nodded. Again having no idea how he would convince Leah of this.

On the way home, after filling the prescription, an idea occurred to James.

"Leah?"

"What?" She had her head back on the headrest and her eyes closed.

"I need a favor."

She sat up looking at him. "What?"

James was starting to understand. She needed something to not be about her, about her illness. "Well, you know I've been writing."

"Yeah?"

"I need someone to read it. To proofread it, to just help me make sure it doesn't suck. Would you be willing to do that?"

Leah grinned, "You mean around puking?"

"There would be no rush; it would just be when you felt up to it."

"Okay, I'll give it a whirl. But first, pull over I think I'm gonna be sick."

That afternoon Leah was even more sick than she had been the day before. She skipped lunch and went straight to bed, but had spent a good part of the time in the bathroom throwing up. James had brought her up some water and some saltine crackers. She was finally able to keep them down and was napping when James went to talk to Will.

"How is she doing?" Will asked.

"She's sleeping now. She was pretty sick though." He paused for a moment. "They prescribed antidepressants for her."

"Really? Wow."

"I was thinking Will, how would you feel about getting her another dog?"

"A dog? I don't know if she is up to it, maybe when this is over."

"She needs something Will, something to take her focus off the cancer, off of what is happening to her."

"But a dog is so much work. And after Cy died, I don't know. She'd want a puppy if we got one and that would require so much training, housebreaking, I don't think she's up to it."

"What about a cat then? She loves cats, and they're easier to care for."

"That's a thought."

"I was also thinking, maybe this weekend, if she feels up to it, you should take her somewhere."

"Why?"

"I don't know, to get her out of bed, out of the house."

Will wasn't so sure. "James, she isn't feeling well, that's why she is in bed."

"I know, but she is only sick in the afternoons after treatment, the rest of the time I don't think she feels so bad. I think it's more that she is wallowing in it. I think she is letting this whole cancer thing take over her life."

"It has taken over her life, all of our lives." Will was starting to lose his patience. What was James thinking? That his sister was just laying up there in bed because she felt sorry for herself?

"But see, that's just it. We can't let it take over. There has to be something in her life that isn't about being sick. Even if she doesn't feel that great while she is doing it. For her psyche she needs something else to focus on besides herself. I am not saying to take her snow boarding, I am just saying maybe take her to a nice hotel or something. Megan said there was more to treating the depression than just giving her a pill, maybe getting her out of the house for awhile would help."

That had not occurred to Will. "Hmm, let me think on that James."

That evening Will came into their bedroom to find Leah sitting up on the bed with papers spread out all around her.

"What have you got there?"

"James' novel. I am proofreading it for him."

At first Will was pissed. What the hell was James thinking? Asking her to do this when she was sick? Then the conversation they had had earlier came back to him. Something else to focus on. He sat down on the bed.

"Is it any good?"

"Well, you will just say I am biased, but yes. It's pretty good."

"You are biased," he teased.

The next morning he asked James to take Leah to her treatment, saying that he had some business he needed to tend to. James didn't mind, it gave him a chance to talk with Megan. He was dying to know if she was single. She didn't wear a wedding ring.

"Hey Leah?" They were driving in. Leah was resting in the front seat.

"Hey what?" Leah was in a better mood. Maybe the antidepressants were helping.

"What do you know about Megan?"

"Like what?"

"Like is she married?"

Leah opened her eyes. "Why? Are you interested?"

James shrugged blushing.

"James! You are!" Leah smiled, "Hmm, I don't know, I guess I'll just have to find out."

Oh shit. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. "Leah, don't say too much. Don't go in there and embarrass me."

"I wouldn't do that James. I am hurt you even suggested that." She was grinning ear to ear now.

"Yeah, right, you live to embarrass me. Please?"

Leah was serious for a moment, studying her brother. "You are interested aren't you? Okay, I'll go easy on you."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

On the way home from her treatment Leah was quiet. James was dying to ask her what she had found out about Megan, but wasn't sure if Leah felt up to talking. Leah wasn't feeling all that bad, but knew that it was killing James that she wasn't telling. Finally when they were only a block from their house Leah spoke.

"She is single. Never married and no boyfriend. She thinks you are endearing. That's the word she used: Endearing. I asked her if she had a rule about dating family of patients. She said that she should but she doesn't…. have a rule that is. I got the impression that it's never come up before. I am sure if you asked her, she would go out with you."

James grinned, "Thanks Leah. You didn't say anything that is going to embarrass me did you?"

"No, I just asked her what she thought of my little brother. That he was single and I was always looking out for him, trying to find him someone. She seemed to buy it."

"Thanks, sis. I appreciate you looking out for me."

When they walked in the house Will was sitting in the kitchen waiting on them. There was a box sitting on the table.

"What are you up to?" Leah was immediately suspicious.

Will just smiled, "Open it." He said as he motioned toward the box.

Leah pulled off the lid and there sat the cutest little calico kitten she had ever seen.

"Ooooohhh!" Her heart melted. "Aren't you a doll?" She was talking to the kitten as she lifted it out of the box.

"I thought you could use a friend up there in that big bed," Will said as he gave James a wink.

"Oh thank you Will!"

"You better thank James too. It was his idea."

She turned around and gave James a hug. "Thanks bro." She had tears in her eyes as she turned back to Will. "Damn hormones," she mumbled as she walked over and hugged Will.

"What are you going to name her?" James asked.

"Patches. Come on Patches lets go lay down before the puke fest begins." At least she was smiling as she said it.

© Melina Catts 2004

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