2000

Thursday afternoon came and Leah found herself in the car on the way to the hospital. The doctor wanted her to come in that afternoon so she could meet everyone on her 'team' and have time to ask questions. He found it helped to ease the patient's mind about what was going to happen.

Leah, Will, and James were led to a room much like the one she and James had been in when they had been told of the tumor. They all took a seat and waited for the doctors to come in. The tension in the room was almost visible. James sat bouncing his leg until Leah finally reached over and placed her hand on his knee to stop it.

The first person to appear was an older gentleman. He introduced himself as Dr. Stevens and said he would be Leah's oncology specialist. He went on to explain what type of cancer he believed the tumor to be, just where the tumor was located and what he expected to happen during the surgery. He felt sure that they would not need to take her nipple, which would make reconstructive surgery much easier later on. They would take the tumor, which was approximately two inches in diameter and some of the healthy tissue surrounding it. They also would take the sentinel lymph nodes. This meant that they would take the first three or four closest to the breast. The reasoning was that if the cancer had not spread to them then the rest were probably clear. These nodes would be examined while Leah was still in surgery. If no cancer cells were seen then no more nodes would be removed. If cancer cells were found in them, then the remainder of the nodes would be taken.

The next to join them was Dr. Moore. He would be acting as the consulting surgeon and Leah's primary physician.

Dr. Thomas arrived next and was introduced as the radiotherapy specialist. He would be overseeing Leah's radiotherapy treatment. He went on to explain how the treatment would be carried out. She would be treated as an outpatient, coming into the hospital daily, Monday through Friday. The treatments would last approximately one hour. Dr. Stevens would decide how many weeks she would need radiation after the surgery. Dr. Thomas went on to describe some of the side effects she could expect.

The anesthesiologist came in and visited with Leah about the type of anesthesia he would be using. He wanted to know about any other surgeries Leah had had and also any drug allergies.

The final person to come in and meet with Leah was Megan. Megan would be Leah's breast care nurse. She would be working with Leah in a number of ways. She would help with the physical therapy after surgery. She also would be the one to guide Leah through the maze of options regarding reconstructive surgery. While Leah would be going through radiotherapy, Megan would be monitoring the side effects. If chemotherapy was needed Megan would assist in that too.

Megan was a petite brunette. She had big brown eyes and a bright friendly smile. Leah was drawn to her right away. She seemed so warm and caring. She looked Leah in the eyes when talking to her, she had a way of making it all seem less scary.

James couldn't help but take notice of Megan too. She was pretty, and for lack of a better word, bubbly.

When they left the hospital that day Leah felt more optimistic than she had since her diagnosis. She was not looking forward to the surgery the next day, but it did seem a bit less frightening.

The next morning they were up at dawn. Surgery was scheduled for nine, but they needed to be checked into the hospital by seven. Leah had barely slept the night before despite the Xanax they had sent home with her, 'Maybe they should have sent home more than one', she thought to herself. The ride to the hospital was quiet. No one really felt much like talking.

When they got to the hospital there was the usual assemblage of paperwork to be filled out. Then they took Leah to be x-rayed and have blood drawn before finally taking her to a hospital room. Megan was there to meet her. She helped Leah get undressed and into the flimsy gown. After she was settled into a bed with a saline IV hooked up to her hand, Will and James were allowed in.

"How are you doing?" Will asked as he walked over and sat down on the side of the bed.

"Um, I'm a little nervous I guess."

Megan looked over, "Would you like something to help calm you before surgery?"

"Um, okay," Leah said. James had to smile; Leah was never one to turn down a high.

A few moments later Ryan and Eric walked in. Ryan went over and kissed his mother on the cheek.

"How are you doing, Mom?"

"I've been better." Leah's eye were starting to glaze over, the medicine was taking effect.

It wasn't long before the orderlies were there to take Leah down to surgery. Will, James, and Ryan each kissed her goodbye, then the four walked down to the waiting area.

Eric went down to the cafeteria to get everyone some fresh coffee and bagels. James sat down and began flipping through a magazine. Ryan had brought a textbook but it lay unopened in his lap, he knew he couldn't concentrate on it. Will walked over to the windows and stared out at the skyline.

When Eric came back in to the waiting room with the coffee and bagels only James and Ryan were there. He sat down the tray and asked after Will.

"He's right over there…" James started to say, then realized Will was no longer at the window. He turned to Ryan, who shrugged his shoulders, he had not seen him leave either. James got up to go look for him. He was pretty sure where he would find him.

Sure enough, Will was in the first place James looked, the men's room. He was standing at the sink staring at his reflection in the mirror.

"Will? You okay?"

As Will turned to look at him, James noted the pain and fear in his eyes. "My wife has cancer," he whispered.

James frowned, Will was always their rock, he wasn't supposed to fall apart. "She'll be alright. You heard what the doctors said."

"It's cancer James."

James sighed, "I know."

"I need some air." Will brushed passed him and out the door. James stood there for a few moments wondering who would hold them together if Will fell apart. When he walked back into the waiting room Eric and Ryan were sipping coffee.

Ryan looked up. "Is Dad okay?"

"Um yeah, he just needs some air I think."

Ryan nodded.

A little while later Will came back into the waiting room. He walked over to the tray that Eric had brought up and picked up a bagel. Ryan looked up at him, "Dad? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Will sat down in the chair next to Ryan's. He knew that he had to be there for Leah now. He had to be strong for her.

It seemed like days later when Megan came out to the waiting room to talk to them.

"Will, James, she is out of surgery and in recovery now. The surgery went very well. She came through it great. The doctor should be out here in a little bit to discuss what he found with you and she will be in recovery for about another hour. When we take her back up to the room I will come tell you so you can go with her."

"Thanks Megan," Will said. He wanted to ask questions but knew she would want the doctors to tell him what they had found. She smiled at him before leaving the waiting area to go back to her charge.

Will stood and began to pace. He was afraid of what the doctors were going to tell him. What if they couldn't get it all? What if it had spread?

Finally Dr. Moore appeared. "Mr. Allen?" he shook Will's hand. "Your wife is in recovery. She got through the surgery just fine."

"And the cancer?"

"We were able to get the entire tumor. We took three lymph nodes, and no cancer was found to be present in any of them. There is no reason to believe that we were not able to get all the cancer."

"And her breast?" Will didn't really care if they had to take it, but he knew it was important to Leah.

"We only did a partial mastectomy. We were able to save the nipple, but the tumor was large enough that she will probably want to either have reconstructive surgery or wear a prosthesis, but that can be discussed later."

Will sighed in relief as he sat back in his seat. "So what is next?"

"She will be in recovery for a bit. Megan will come get you when they take her back up to the room. Of course she will still be groggy from the anesthesia."

Will nodded, the doctor continued, "I will want her to stay here in the hospital for a couple of nights. We will start her on the drug Tamoxifen right away and then we will have her start radiotherapy in about a week."

James finally found his voice, "But she will be okay?"

"We have every reason to believe that she will make a complete recovery." The doctor stood and shook each of the men's hands before leaving them to wait on Leah to wake up.

"Um, I think I am going to leave for awhile. I really need to go to the office for a couple of hours." Eric looked at Will apologetically.

"Sure Eric, that's fine. I understand. I appreciate you being here." Eric had become family. Ryan stood to walk him out. "Dad, I'll be back in a minute."

Suddenly James stood up too. "Will, I think I am going to go get some air. I'll come back later this afternoon." He began walking out with Ryan and Eric.

James' leaving did not surprise Will. He knew that James would have a hard time dealing with his sister's illness. He thought James had done remarkably well so far.

James and Eric walked out to the parking lot. James had ridden in with Will and Leah so he was stranded there at the hospital. Ryan suggested that he go over to their apartment for awhile. Eric offered to take him.

He and Eric rode across town in silence. When they pulled up in front of the apartment building Eric finally asked, "You want company, or would you rather be alone?"

"Um, didn't you say you needed to go into the office?"

"It can wait."

"Yeah, company would be good."

Eric drove the car around to the parking garage.

When they walked into the apartment James walked over to their mini bar and took out a bottle of Dewar's. Eric smiled, "I was going to ask you if you wanted a soda."

James smirked, "Uh, no thanks." He plopped down on the sofa and took a swig from the bottle.

Eric sat down in the chair closest to the sofa, handing him a glass. "Um, James? You want to talk?" He knew James had been through his share of trauma, but he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. James had been living in California most of the time since he and Ryan had gotten together. Eric knew most of the story second hand from Ryan but he hadn't really spent all that much time with James. The time they had spent together had been holidays and the occasional visit back home.

James was silent for awhile as he poured the Dewar's into the glass. Finally he spoke, "She has to be okay."

"She will be. The doctor said they got it."

"But cancer, it loves to come back."

"Not always, James. You have to think positive."

To that James only snorted and took another drink.

When Ryan came back, he sat across from Will. "I gave James a key to our apartment. I thought maybe he could go over there and decompress for awhile."

"Good idea."

"I don't think he is handling this as well as he wants us to believe."

Will snorted, "James? Handle something well? Why would we even dare to expect that?" He could joke with Ryan about this. Ryan understood how much Leah coddled her baby brother.

"Well if he can at least put up a front for Mom. That would be something."

"Actually, he seems to be doing fairly well with it all. He has been really strong for her so far."

They fell into a comfortable silence waiting for Leah to be moved. Finally Megan appeared. "Ready?" She had such a warm smile. "She is awake and we are taking her back up to her room now. You can come on up and as soon as she is settled we will let you in."

Leah was awake but still fairly out of it. She had a PCA hooked to her IV that would give her a small amount of Morphine every four hours. She had a drain line coming from her breast to keep any fluid from building up.

Will and Ryan walked into the room.

"Hey Leah? How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," she mumbled. "I need some water."

The nurses had gotten her settled in and one returned with a cup of ice chips. "You can let her have some ice," she said as she handed the cup to Will.

"Did they take my tit?" Leah always did have a way with words.

"No Dear, they didn't have to 'take your tit', and even more important, they got all the cancer."

"Mm." Leah closed her eyes and dozed off.

She and Will had pretty much this same conversation over and over for the next two hours until finally Leah was awake enough to remember what he had told her. Will had finally insisted that Ryan go home for a few hours. There was no point in both of them sitting there watching her sleep.

When Ryan got to his and Eric's apartment he found James sitting on the sofa with the bottle of Dewar's. He was well on his way to being drunk. Eric was sitting in the chair looking helpless.

"I thought you were going to the office for awhile?"

"I thought I might need to stay here."

James chuckled, "What? To babysit me?"

Eric shook his head. "I asked if you wanted company, you said you did."

Ryan sat down next to James. "This isn't helping anything." He reached over and took the bottle out of James' hands.

"It isn't going to hurt anything either." James reached over and grabbed it back, raised it to his mouth and took another drink.

"James, you are pathetic. You know that?"

"Why? Because I am afraid for my sister?"

"Fuck. James! She is my mother and you don't see me falling apart." Ryan was about to lose his patience.

"It's different," James mumbled. "She's all I have."

"Oh God, James. She is not. And if she is, it's only because that's the way you want it. You push anyone away who tries to get close to you."

"You don't understand"

"No I don't. So you went through a rough time, but shit James that was over twenty years ago. Don't you think it is time to get passed it?" Ryan sat there looking at his uncle. "See, you aren't worried over Mom, you are worried about you, what it will mean to you if something happens to Mom. Who will take care of you then? How fucked up is that?" He was on a roll now. "Well you had your chance with a number of women. Jane tried like hell to make things work, but you just kept pushing her away. You just push everyone away."

"It's not like that. You don't understand," James said through gritted teeth. "I have to push them away because they'll leave anyway. At least if I do the pushing I have some control over this freak show that's my life."

Ryan stood up shaking his head, "It doesn't have to be that way James. Are you ever going to see that?" Ryan turned and left the room.

Eric followed him into their bedroom. Ryan fell on the bed. "Damn! He can make me so mad with all his pity party shit."

Eric said nothing. He just crawled into bed and curled up around Ryan. Eric had always been a man of few words. After growing up in the Allen / Morgan household that was something Ryan really appreciated about him. They just lay like that for awhile. Finally, Ryan sat up. "I need to eat something. Did James eat anything before he raided our liquor cabinet?"

"No, I don't think he did."

"Well let's go fix something to eat. I want to go back up to the hospital this evening and check on Mom. Maybe I can get Dad to go home and rest for a while if I'm there. I know he will stay there tonight until the nurses kick him out."

When they left to go back to the hospital James was asleep on the sofa. Ryan pulled off his shoes and pulled a blanket over him. "He better not puke on this couch," he said.

"Ryan. Eric." Leah was more awake now, although the pain medication still made her feel fuzzy.

"How are you Mom?" Ryan always gave her a kiss on the cheek when he saw her. It was just something he never out grew from when he was a kid.

"I hurt. My shoulder and arm hurt. And my tit hurts."

"It will get better." Ryan turned to Will, "Why don't you go get something to eat? Maybe go home and take a shower, even a nap? Eric and I will stay here and keep Mom company."

Will was reluctant to leave, but he did need to eat something and he didn't want to go to the hospital cafeteria again. "Okay, I won't be gone long."

"Its okay, Dad. Really."

Will went over and kissed Leah before leaving.

After Will was out the door Leah turned to Ryan and asked, "Where is James?" She was surprised he wasn't with them. She had asked Will and he had told her that he had gone home with Eric and Ryan.

Eric spoke up, "He is at our place sleeping. He was relieved that you are going to be okay."

Leah looked at Ryan, when he wouldn't meet her eyes she knew there was more to it, but decided to let it go for now.

James woke up to a quiet apartment. He wasn't sure but figured that Ryan and Eric had gone back up to see Leah. He should be there.

He had thought he was doing well. He had been strong for her when she first found out. He had held her when she cried. Hell, he had even been the one to tell Will. But when he saw her being wheeled away on the gurney that was it, suddenly it was real.

The words that Ryan had shouted at him filled his head now. They were true. He knew they were. What is that saying? Truth hurts? Yep, it does. He had started falling in love with Jane. That was the real reason why he was out screwing around on her. He was trying to keep himself from falling for her. He hadn't done it to hurt Jane, although he almost was relieved when she found out. Once she threw him out then he could move on. Up until then, all he could do was wonder when it would happen, when she would decide she didn't really want to be with him.

Jane wasn't the first either. It had become a pattern for James. As soon as he started getting too close, he would start doing things to sabotage the relationship until the girl, who ever she was, had had enough. He had done it with Sandy, Liz, and even Tami.

And Ryan was right, James had to break the cycle. He had to get over the past and move on. He had to quit being afraid to trust people with his heart. He had to quit being afraid to love. He made up his mind that once Leah was better he would go back to California and make things right with Jane.

That night James slept on Eric and Ryan's fold out. Will hadn't stayed away from the hospital long. He had gotten something to eat and then come back to Leah's room, insisting that Ryan and Eric go home and get some sleep. Ryan had classes the next morning and Eric had work. Ryan left promising his mom that he would be back to see her the next afternoon. He and Eric went home and fell into bed. The day had been exhausting.

Will stayed with Leah that night, napping in the chair next to her bed. She was uncomfortable and found it nearly impossible to sleep. When she finally managed to doze off it never failed that one of the nurses would decide that it was time to check her blood pressure, or her drain lines, or something else that would wake Leah up.

So when James came in the next morning both Leah and Will looked every bit as tired as they felt.

Leah was propped up in her bed. She still had an IV in and she had her left arm in a sling. Megan had explained to Will that since the tumor was over so far in her breast that she would be more comfortable at first if they kept that arm stationary. Leah was pushing around some fake eggs on her plate with her right hand.

James tried to sound upbeat, something he definitely didn't feel. "Morning Sis. How are you feeling today?"

Leah took one look at him and summed up what had gone on the night before. His eyes were blood shot and he looked extremely tired.

"Hmm, probably better than you."

"Will? You want to go home and grab a shower? I'll stay here with Leah for the morning."

"Um, yeah, that sounds good."

Leah knew he hadn't gotten much sleep the last two nights. "Will? Why don't you take a nap too? I'll be okay."

"You sure?" He wasn't sure he wanted to leave her that long.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

It wasn't too long after Will had left that Megan came in to check on Leah. "How are you today?"

"Sore."

Megan smiled, "I'm sure you are." She turned to James "You're her brother? Right?"

James nodded.

"Okay, then I am going to run you out of here while I check her incision and drain lines. I'll let you back in after we're done. Okay?"

James nodded and walked out into the hall.

Megan turned back to Leah. "Okay after we check your incision we are going to get you out of bed for a little walk."

"Augh, I don't want to move," Leah complained.

"Yeah, I know, but the sooner we get you moving the sooner you will start feeling like yourself again. You are going to be stiff and sore, but lying in this bed won't help, so we are going to get you moving. Okay, we start with the incision. I am going to take your arm out of this sling and remove your dressing."

Megan was very careful as she moved Leah's arm around, but the pain was still enough to cause Leah to moan.

"The incision looks good. Okay, let me go get a mirror, I want you to look."

"Um no, that's okay." Leah had no desire to see her deformed body.

Megan smiled, "You need to look Leah. I know you don't want to, but it is important."

Leah remained quiet while Megan retrieved a hand mirror from her cart and came back over handing it to Leah.

Leah couldn't help but wince when she saw what was left of her breast. It had a moon shaped scar down the left side. She was bruised and swollen clear back under her armpit. But what surprised her most was how much of her breast was missing. "That one was always smaller, it could have at least been in the other boob, the bigger one." Will has teased her for years about her right breast being bigger.

"That can be fixed Leah. You can either wear a prosthesis or you can have reconstructive surgery later on."

"But it will never be the same." Tears were running down her face.

"No, it won't, but that's okay. The important thing is to beat the cancer. The rest is just small stuff."

Megan then went to work redressing the wound. Once that was done, she helped Leah sit up on the side of the bed. "Okay, Ready? Now take it slow, first, we are just going to stand for a few moments." She helped Leah to her feet. After the dizziness passed she helped Leah walk around to the other side of the room and back. When Leah got back into bed she felt like she had run a marathon.

While Leah was again sitting on the side of the bed Megan went to the door and signaled for James to come in. He couldn't help but notice Leah had been crying.

"We just got up and walked around," she explained to James. Then turning to Leah she said, "I want you to get out of bed a few times today, but I want you to make sure your brother or husband or a nurse is in here with you when you do. Okay?"

Leah nodded. She was beat. Just that little exertion had worn her out.

"Okay, the other thing I want you to do is to take your arm out of the sling and stretch out your elbow. I want you to move your shoulder around some too. We don't want it to freeze up on you." That was a common problem when recovering from breast surgery. Megan went on to explain, "I don't want you to lift anything with that arm, but I do want you to move it around. You won't hurt anything just moving it."

Leah straightened out her elbow and cried out in pain. "I thought you said I wouldn't hurt anything."

"I did, but I didn't say you wouldn't feel pain." Megan helped her move her shoulder around a couple of times, and then helped her place the arm back into the sling. Leah lay back down on the bed. She could not believe how much just that little movement had taken out of her.

Megan helped her get settled back into bed. "Okay, I'll be back in a few hours and we will do that again." By now her upbeat voice and perky little attitude was getting on Leah's nerves.

She looked over at James before she left. "You take good care of her," she smiled warmly.

"I will, " James answered.

Leah was asleep before Megan was even out of the room.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Moore was making his rounds. When he walked into Leah's room both James and Will were there. Leah was awake, propped up in bed and arguing with James about what show they were going to watch on the television.

"Hello Dr. Moore," Will said as he stood to shake hands.

"Good afternoon. How are you today Leah?"

"If I say I'm okay will you let me go home?"

Dr. Moore smiled. "You ready to go home are you?" He studied her chart for a few minutes, then setting it down he looked at Leah. "As your husband probably told you, we were able to get the entire tumor and your lymph nodes were clear. The size of the tumor was of concern and we had to remove a good portion of your breast. In a few months when you have healed we can discuss your options for reconstructive surgery." He sat down in one of the chairs and continued, "I want you to start on the drug Tamoxifen. It is an estrogen blocker that we use to fight breast cancer. You will need to be on it for five years. Now, one of the side effects, since it works by blocking the estrogen, is that it will bring on menopause. You will more than likely experience hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and fluid retention. We will monitor you closely and try to help ease any side effects with other medications."

'And the hits just keep coming.' Leah thought to herself.

Dr Moore continued on with the good news. "We will also want you to go through a round of radiotherapy. We would want to begin that in a week, so that would make it a week from Monday. You can have it done as an outpatient. You will come here to the hospital every day, Monday through Friday, to get the treatments. They will take about an hour, then you will be able to go back home. I think Dr. Stevens has recommended four weeks of treatments."

Leah had been told most of this before, on Thursday when they had the consultation.

"Usually the most prominent side effect is to the skin in the area being treated. It will be similar to a sunburn," Dr. Moore continued to explain. "Other than that you will more than likely experience some nausea and fatigue as the treatment continues."

Leah nodded, what could she do? She hated feeling like all this was happening to her, that it was all out of her control. "When can I go home?"

Dr. Moore grinned, "More that likely tomorrow. I want you to be a little stronger before I release you."

"Okay. Thank you Doctor."

Dr. Moore stood and shook both Will and James' hand. He turned as he got to the door to leave. "I'll want to see you in my office middle of next week. You can call the office Monday to schedule it."

The next day Leah was released to go home. She had been fretting all day because she wanted to be home to watch their TV shows that night. Every Sunday night Eric and Ryan came over to watch the series on HBO and on Showtime. James couldn't help but tease her for being addicted to a silly soap opera on television.

"Oh, but the boys are so pretty," Leah sighed.

To that Will only snorted.

They had Leah and her bags loaded up in the car and were headed home. She had talked to Ryan on the phone earlier and made plans for them to come over that evening.

When they pulled up in their drive they saw four big boxes on the porch.

Will turned to Leah, "Did you order something?"

"Um, no. I don't think so."

Will helped her out of the car while James walked up to the porch to inspect the packages. When he saw the writing on them he knew.

"Where are they from?" Leah asked as she leaned on Will's arm while climbing up the stairs to the porch.

"Jane." James had a haunted look in his eyes. He hadn't expected this.

"Jane? What? Did she pack your stuff and send it?" Wow, Leah thought, she must have really been pissed.

James just stood there looking at the boxes. Finally, Will spoke, "Let me get Leah inside and I'll come help you bring these in."

James only nodded.

Will helped Leah into the house and over to one of the recliners in the den. "You need anything?"

"Yeah, but go help James first. Then bring some tea or a soda or something when you come back."

Will and James carried the four big boxes up the stairs and into James' room. James sat down on the bed. Will turned to go back to check on Leah. "You okay James?"

"Yeah," was all James said, and it was almost a whisper, as if he was in shock. Will supposed he was. James never seemed to get it; he always seemed to expect one more chance. Will figured that James expected to go gather his belongings while Jane begged him to stay, not find them delivered to his house.

When Will came back into the den Leah was asleep in the recliner. He went over to the computer to research what he could find about this drug they were putting her on.

Upstairs James sat on his bed with the phone in his hands. He wanted to call Jane but every scenario he played out in his head ended badly. What could he say to her? She had said it all with these boxes.

© Melina Catts 2004

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