1983

Will's divorce had been final for almost six months. He was still living in his own apartment, although he spent most nights at Leah's. He knew she wanted them to move in together, but something was holding him back.

James was fifteen now and starting to become hard for Leah to handle. She didn't care for the group of boys he ran with. They were a wild bunch. Every time Leah tried to talk to James, he would throw her past up in her face. She had all but stopped going out to the clubs. She drank a glass of wine at home with Will from time to time and she still would smoke a little weed every once in awhile, but all and all she had settled down and was trying to get her degree. The money that they had received when their parents died was starting to dwindle and Leah knew she would need to go back to work to start earning a living soon. She wanted to make sure there would still be enough money for James to go to college when the time came. She wished Will would move in and help take care of them, but she wanted him to do it because he loved her, not because she needed rescuing. She so wanted to be rescued. She longed to be taken care of. She was weary of tending to everyone else.

On the weekends, James had a curfew of eleven p.m. One of his friends was sixteen and had a car, which worried Leah to no end. As far as she could tell they weren't drinking much yet, probably not able to find anyone to buy it for them. She suspected that they smoked pot when they could get their hands on it. Occasionally James would come home with his eyes a little glassy. On those nights he would go straight to his room and listen to music. Tonight they had said they were going to a movie. It was now almost eleven-thirty and still no sign of James. Will was out of town so it was just Leah and Ryan at home waiting for James.

At eleven-thirty five the front door opened and in walked an extremely drunk James.

Leah took one look at him and said, "Oh you are so grounded."

"Fuck off." James staggered across the room and flopped down on the sofa.

"James? What the fuck? Where the hell did you get the alcohol?"

"S' no big deal Leah, just a couple of beers is all." He was slurring more that just a couple of beers worth.

As much as Leah wanted to scream and shout at James right then, she knew it would do no good. She sighed and headed up to bed, "You puke; you clean it up."

He snorted, "Oh yeah, like you used to."

She just turned and looked at him, then shook her head and went upstairs.

The next morning Ryan was up and raring to go at seven o'clock. Leah came down stairs with the tot to find James asleep on the sofa. 'Oh, this will be fun' she thought to herself. She took Ryan into the kitchen and fed him breakfast then she turned him loose, knowing he would go over and try to get his favorite uncle to wake up and play.

"Jame. Jame." Ryan started patting him on the shoulder, "Jame, wake up!"

James only grumbled and rolled over with his back to Ryan. The child was not about to give up that easily. "Jame! Jame! Wake up!" Ryan leaned over and shouted in James' ear.

"Leah, come get your brat and tell him to leave me alone," he yelled at his sister. She was still in the kitchen finishing up the breakfast dishes. She walked into the den smiling.

"Ryan, Honey, Uncle James has a hang over. He doesn't feel like playing. Why don't you go get your fire trucks out and play with them?"

"Okay!" Ryan squealed and ran off to get his toys.

"What's the matter James? Not feeling too well this morning?" She couldn't help but tease.

"Fuck off," was all that came from the lump on the couch.

A little whirlwind came running into the den carrying two bright red fire trucks. Ryan plopped down on the floor with the trucks and proceeded to flip on their switches, bringing the sirens to life.

A frustrated moan came from the couch as James stood up with the intention of storming up to his bedroom. But James' stomach had other ideas. He took off for the bathroom hoping to get there before he puked on the floor, knowing that Leah would make good on her promise to make him clean it up.

Leah almost felt sorry for the little shit. Almost.

"Jame sick?" Ryan asked.

"Yep, James has a tummy ache, and probably a headache too. Stay here and play, I'll go check on him, okay?"

Leah found him lying on the floor in the bathroom. "James?"

"What?" He sounded so pathetic, again she almost felt sorry for him.

"Come on, get up. I'll fix you some Alka Selzer and you can go back to bed."

"I think I am going to die."

Leah laughed, "No, you'll just wish you had. Come on, let me help you up, you big baby."

As she was helping him up the stairs she said, "You know, if you can't handle the next morning, then maybe you should skip the drinking the night before."

James just groaned at her and nodded his head. Leah hoped this would be a lesson to him, but she doubted it. It never had been to her.

"So am I still grounded?" It was late that afternoon, James was sitting in the den trying to keep his head from exploding.

"Yep, you are grounded. You are so grounded," Leah just smiled.

"How long?" Dare he ask?

"Um, until you turn eighteen."

"Leah. Be real. How long?"

"I don't know James, let me think about it tonight. I'll tell you tomorrow. Okay?"

James wanted to push, but he knew that she would be more lenient if he let her take her time. She would probably want to discuss it with Will, although James didn't understand what business it was of his. "I'm sorry, okay?"

Leah looked at him; he did look pitiful. But somehow she feared this was only the beginning. "James, I know I never set much of an example for you, but I was almost twenty when I was out there getting drunk, not fifteen. You can't be starting this now. Okay? I can't just sit here and let you go out drinking and smoking pot."

At the mention of pot, James looked up at her, like a deer caught in the headlights. "Pot? Who said anything about pot?"

She chuckled, "I'm not stupid you know. James, you do realize that there isn't much you can pull that I haven't already tried, and if I haven't then Will probably has. You aren't going to be able to get much by us."

James sighed, "It was just a little beer."

"Beer, wine, whiskey, pot, it doesn't matter James. The outcome is the same."

James only looked at her. He was thinking that at least with pot he didn't feel so bad the next day.

Leah could only hope she could deter him from this lifestyle of partying, but sadly she had been doing much the same when she was his age. James was too young then to realize what was going on, but her partying was part of the reason she had moved out of her parents' home.

"How was your weekend?" Will was back at his apartment, just getting home from his trip. He had left the previous Wednesday and was held over for the weekend to wrap up some unfinished business. It was Sunday afternoon and he was beat. He had come home, taken a shower, and was now relaxing in front of the TV while talking to Leah on the phone.

"It was okay, James came home drunk Friday night. Other than that it was uneventful."

"Sounds eventful enough. Where did he get the booze?" Will thought Leah seemed a little too nonchalant about the whole thing. Good God, the kid was only fifteen.

"He won't say." Leah was quiet for a moment, "Will, are you coming over tonight?"

"Oh Leah, I'm really tired. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," she said quietly, trying to hide her disappointment. "I'm worried about James. He is starting out too much like me. I just really wish Mom and Dad were here to handle things. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure what punishment he should get."

"What did you tell him?"

"That he was grounded, but we haven't discussed for how long, and what he is grounded from. How should I handle it Will?"

"I don't know Leah, what did your parents do when you were his age and coming home drunk?"

"They would try to ground me, but I would just sneak out. I pretty much just rebelled against any discipline."

"Well, lucky for you, James doesn't seem to rebel against you, so decide what his punishment should be, just make sure it is something you can stick to. Don't make up something and then drop it in a couple of days."

"Okay." Leah sighed, "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"Come over tomorrow for dinner?"

"Yeah, I'll stay over tomorrow."

"'K, Love you."

"Love you too, G'night."

A few weeks later, Will was having lunch with Leah at her house. She was opening her mail at the kitchen table.

"Shit!"

"What?"

"Oh, our damn health insurance is going up again. Everything keeps going up. The property taxes, the house insurance, now the health insurance, next year when James turns sixteen my car insurance will be out of sight. I still have three more semesters of school left before I can get a decent job. I guess I can get something part time until then."

Will was taken aback. Leah seldom talked about their finances. He knew that her parents had left her money when they died. He had just assumed that she was set.

"Leah, do you need money?"

She looked at him. Did she want to go there? She was afraid he would think she was after his money. "Um, no we're okay. It's just that the money Mom and Dad left is going faster than I thought. I wanted to wait until Ryan started school before I went back to work, and I worry about paying for James' college."

Something finally clicked in Will's head. What was he doing? Why was he waiting to move in here? He loved her, he really did, and she really could use his help with James and Ryan. They could use his income too. He was being selfish; he was avoiding taking any responsibility for her. "Leah, maybe I should move in here with you?"

She stopped flipping through her mail and looked up at him, "What?"

"I was thinking, it's silly for me to have that apartment across town. I mean, I'm over here most nights anyway. What if I give it up and move in here? Help you out with the kids, help you out with the money, you know, start a life together."

"Are you sure? You keep saying you don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. Wouldn't moving in to help me with the kids be the wrong reason?"

Will shook his head, "I'm being silly. I love you, Leah. I want us to be together. You need someone to help you. If I don't buck up and start pulling my share who says you won't go find someone else who will?" He grinned at her.

"But what about James and Ryan?"

Will didn't understand, "What about them?"

"Are you sure you want to take on this mess? I mean James is a handful and Ryan is just hitting his terrible twos."

"Leah, I love you. I love Ryan and even though James can be a total brat, he still has a way of getting to me. Yes, I want to take on this mess. Okay?"

"Oh Will," she said as tears ran down her checks. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this happy.

"He's what? Why?"

Leah had wisely told Will that she wanted to tell James about his moving in herself. She had fixed lasagna for supper, James' favorite. Will was staying home, packing. She and James sat at the table.

"Because I want him here. Because I love him."

"You can love him without him living here." James was angry.

She knew James wouldn't be thrilled, but she didn't expect him to be so angry. "James, that's not fair. What's the big deal? He's here practically all the time anyway."

"Are you getting married?"

"No, not yet. Would it be so bad if we did?"

"No, but please wait until I leave for college," he spat.

"James!"

"So when is he moving in?"

"He will start moving his stuff over this weekend, but he doesn't have to be out of his apartment until the first of the month."

"So he'll be here next month for Christmas? Jeez!"

Leah sighed, she really didn't expect him to be this upset. She tried again, "James, what is the big deal?"

James didn't say a word. He simply pushed away from the table, stood up, and left the kitchen.

That night James stayed up in his room. She knocked on his door softly on her way to bed.

"James?"

"What?" He seemed less angry.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.

"You sure?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"If I say 'don't' you'll tell him not to move in?"

"That's not fair."

"I don't need a dad."

"Is that what this is about? You don't want him trying to tell you what to do?"

"That's what will happen."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it will."

"James, you and Will have to work out your own relationship. Besides, I thought you liked Will. I thought you told me that you liked me better since I started dating him."

"I like that you aren't drinking and stuff all the time. Will is okay, I'm just not sure I want him here all the time. Things will change, I just want things to stay the same. Things keep changing on me, first Mom and Dad died and you moved in, then Ryan was born and now Will is moving in."

"But James, that's how life works. Things change, life moves on. You can't keep that from happening. You just have to go with it. Besides, change isn't always bad is it?"

"I guess not."

"Promise me you'll try to let this work. Promise me that you will try to get along and not be a total shit to him."

James just looked at her, it wasn't a promise he could make, and she knew it.

Will started moving his belongings over. It was a slow process, there was no need to hurry as the lease wouldn't be up on his apartment for almost three weeks. Ryan didn't seem to notice that more of Will's stuff was around, or if he did, he didn't seem to mind. James tried to just stay out of the way. After school he would go to the homes of his friends, and he spent more time in his bedroom when he was home. Will tried to give him plenty of space. He knew the boy needed time to adjust. He knew that James did not like sharing his sister.

"Jame, is Will my daddy?" Ryan was sitting on his uncle's lap watching cartoons. Will had been officially moved in for almost three weeks.

"No Ryan, Will isn't your daddy."

"Is he your daddy?"

James snorted, "No, he isn't my daddy either."

"Who is your daddy?"

"Grandpa was my daddy." Ryan knew of his grandparents from pictures around the house.

"Oh, Grandpa died?" he was too young to really understand the concept.

"Yes, he died."

"Was Grandpa my daddy too?"

"No Ryan, Grandpa was your mama's daddy." James was trying to be patient, but this was a conversation Ryan should be having with Leah.

"Who's my daddy?"

Shit. How to answer that one? "Um, I think you need to ask your mama about that."

"Why?"

Oh Lord, 'why' was Ryan's all time favorite word.

"Because. Now, be quiet and watch cartoons or I'm changing the channel."

Ryan was silent for a while. Finally bored with the TV he crawled down from James' lap and went to find his mother.

He found her in the laundry room hanging clothes from the dryer. "Mama?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Is my daddy dead, like yours?"

Whoa. Where did that come from? "Um no, he's not dead."

"Is Will my daddy?"

"No honey, your daddy's name is David and he doesn't live with us."

"Why?"

"Well, it's kind of a long story, but he and I didn't agree about things, so he left."

Ryan was quiet for a few moments thinking about what he had been told. "Is he coming back?"

"No, I don't think so." Leah tried to keep her voice light. She didn't want this to be a big deal, or at least not a bigger deal than it needed to be.

"Can Will be my daddy?"

"Well, that is a great idea. Why don't you ask him, okay?"

Ryan grinned up at her. "'K"

A few nights later she and Will were climbing into bed.

"Ryan asked me a strange question today," Will said. It had been a couple of days since the 'daddy' conversation Leah had had with her son.

"Oh?" Leah was pretty sure what was coming.

"Yes, he asked if I would be his daddy."

Leah smiled, "I thought he might. He suddenly has become very curious about his family ties. He has been asking James and me questions at every turn. He asked me if you could be his daddy and I told him to talk to you about it."

Will grinned, "I told him I would be honored for him to call me Daddy."

Leah sighed, curling up next to him. "You are a good man, Will."

He yawned. "Maybe some day we can make it all official."

"Official?"

"Yeah, you know married, adoption, the whole bit. Except I don't think James would be interested in me becoming his legal guardian." Things were still a little tense between them. James had become very wary and untrusting of Will since he moved in.

"What are you saying Will? You aren't proposing are you?" Leah teased.

Will just smiled, "Well, maybe some day."

"Guess what Jame?" Ryan came bouncing into James' room.

"Ryan, you're supposed to knock before you come in here. You know that."

The tot ignored the comment, "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I asked Will to be my daddy and he said he was honbered."

"Honored, Ryan. Say it right. Honored."

He tried again, "Honbered"

James laughed, "Close enough. So Will is your daddy now huh?"

"Yes. Mama says that he is not really my daddy, but that is okay, I can still call him Daddy. Now I have a daddy too."

"Good for you."

Ryan thought for a moment. "Maybe if you ask him real nice he will be your daddy too."

"You think?" James snorted, "No thanks kid, you can have him all to yourself."

For the first six months, James and Will tipped toed around each other. James resented him being there. He knew he didn't have any reason to feel that way; Will had always been nice to him. But he resented him nonetheless.

Will tried to give the kid room. He understood that James was afraid he would come in and try to make changes to the agreements Leah and James had. Will did think that Leah was too lenient on both James and Ryan, but he also knew that it was too soon for him to say much. He also knew that he needed to talk with Leah about the situation rather than trying to discipline either child. Ryan was much easier, but he still would run to Leah if he thought Will was being mean or unfair. So when Will found the weed in James' room he wasn't sure how he should proceed.

Will didn't smoke pot anymore. He had back when he was in college, hell, everyone had back then. But then he graduated, got a job and it was just something from his past. He knew that Leah use to smoke it, he knew that she still did on occasion when she and her girlfriends got together for an evening. But that wasn't very often, besides, technically she was still a college student.

He was debating whether to go to Leah with it, or confront James himself. It was a no win situation. If he went to Leah, he would be a snitch. If he confronted James himself, James would simply say 'you're not my father'. They had been down that road before on other issues.

Before Will could make a decision, James walked into his room.

"What are you doing in here?" James didn't see the bag of pot in his hands.

"I was putting away the clean clothes that Leah washed last night."

"Oh." James was unpacking his backpack from school. He had his back to Will.

"Um, James, I think we need to talk."

James snorted, "I already know where babies come from, but thanks for offering."

"James. Take a seat."

James turned around and saw what was in Will's hands. "What? Were you snooping through my stuff?" He was angry and scared.

"No, I wasn't snooping. I was putting your fucking underwear in your drawer. Not something you would ever do." He was tired of this kid's surly attitude and lazy behavior.

"You had no right!"

"James. Sit down and shut up. Now."

James was taken back by the anger in Will's voice. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He could no longer look at Will, instead he looked down at his hands.

Leah had heard all the shouting and came running up the stairs. She had been walking on egg shells since Will had moved in, trying to keep James and Will from ruffling each other's feathers. She was getting tired of playing referee.

"What's going on?" she said as she walked in to see James sitting, sullen on the bed and Will standing in the middle of the room.

"This," Will stated, tossing her the bag of pot.

"Where did you find this? James, is this yours?"

James said nothing; he only nodded slightly.

"Fuck." Leah felt her world crumbling. "James? What the hell?"

James just stared at his shoes.

Will spoke up. "You are grounded James. We will talk more about this later." He turned and walked out of the bedroom.

"Grounded again? Shit!" James flounced down on the bed.

"James, how could you do this?"

"Do what? It's not like you don't smoke it. Hell, you probably have some somewhere in your bedroom."

"No I don't. And why are you making trouble for me? I know you resent Will living here, but please don't ruin this for me."

"Oh yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's always about you isn't it, Leah? Maybe not this time. Maybe this has nothing to do with you. Maybe this is about me!"

Will stuck his head back into the room not liking the tone James was using toward his sister. "James, that's enough. Leah, come on. We all need to calm down before we try to discuss this."

Leah just stood there. Leah's fear of being abandoned rose in her again. She feared if James was too much to handle, Will might bail. She knew in her head that she was being ridiculous, but in her heart she was afraid.

"Leah?" Will took her by the arm. "Come on." He led her out the door as she started to cry.

When they got to their bedroom, Leah turned to Will. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Will furrowed his brow, "What are you sorry for?"

"For James being such a shit. For him treating you so badly, and causing so much trouble."

"Leah, you're not responsible for James' actions."

"Yes I am. I was a terrible example for him when I moved back in here."

"That may be true, but James is still able to make his own decisions, he's old enough. And as for the way he treats me, he and I have our own relationship. It is something he and I will have to work out for ourselves. We'll work it out. Okay?"

"What if you can't? What if he just keeps being a shit head?"

Will sighed, "Then he will keep being a shit head until he moves out to go to college. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to let some fifteen year old kid bully me away from his sister."

When he said it like that Leah realized how silly she sounded. "Okay," she said quietly, then she sighed, "So what do we do about James? I mean, I'm afraid of how angry and rebellious he is becoming."

"We have to set limits and make sure he respects them." To Will it was cut and dry.

Leah huffed, "Yeah, well, that worked so well for me."

"Maybe your parents gave in too easily. Maybe you needed stricter rules."

"The stricter they tried to be the more I rebelled. It was a vicious cycle. I really don't want to start that with James. I think that maybe we should try to understand where his anger is coming from and help him deal with it another way, something besides partying."

Will didn't agree with treating James with kid gloves but he also knew Leah, and she didn't have the heart to punish the kid. "Fine, whatever you think is best."

She smiled, "So do I get to keep the pot you confiscated?"

© Melina Catts 2004

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