Falling Down the Primrose Path

Part 9

Brian walked into the place he had called home for the last three years. He and Steve had bought the place only a few months after they had gotten together. Brian sat down on the couch and scrubbed his face with his hands. Where had it all gone wrong? More to the point, when? Brian knew he was only trying to fool himself. He knew exactly when. When he had fallen in love with two men and apparently chosen the wrong one.

Brian sighed as he looked longingly at the bar. He knew that wasn't the answer and besides, he knew that he had only about twelve hours if he was lucky before Steve would be here. Steve, he knew wouldn't leave this alone and let him go so easily. What he was having a hard time believing was how he could have been so wrong. He loved both Steve and Justin, but he had thought that with Steve being older and more self-reliant that he would be the less complicated of the two. Reaching for the phone, he called downstairs to maintenance. "Yes, this is Brian Kinney. I'm in need of several boxes within the next couple of hours. Some of them will be for clothes and others for other personal items. Oh! And I need to box up several paintings as well."

Brian hung up the phone, stood and looked around. Slowly he began walking around the room gathering the things that were his. He knew there were going to be things that he and Steve were going to have to discuss such as their home, the accounts, and pieces that they had bought that they both liked. Justin's paintings however were not up for discussion. They were his. Brian shook his head. In the four years of living together they had bought a lot of things. Brian realized then that he really hadn't given that chance or choice to Justin, that he had felt safe and secure with Steve. With Justin he had always held back. He had never believed in Justin's 'for always' and had felt that Justin would leave him…again.

Brian thought over that first year. He had to admit to himself that while he had missed Justin, he had been happy. He also admitted to himself that if Justin hadn't disappeared and found someone else, he probably would have remained happy and with Steve. Damn! Why couldn't Steve just have believed in them, in him! That more than anything was what bothered him the most. The manipulations.

Brian was tired. Sitting back on the couch to wait for the boxes; he leaned his head back, and closed his eyes for just a moment.

Suddenly, Brian heard knocking. Opening his eyes he stood and went to the door. Upon opening it, the maintenance man said. "I'm sorry it took so long Mr. Kinney. We didn't have some of the sizes you needed and had to find them somewhere else."

Brian looked over at the clock and saw that he had been asleep for about four and a half hours. He couldn't believe it but he actually felt rested. It was the first sleep without disturbing dreams he had had in awhile. "That's okay, just put them over there. I'll call down if I need any more or when I'm ready to have them moved."

"Very good sir." The man said as he moved into the room and placed the boxes where Brian had pointed. As he moved back to the door, he stopped. "Sir, I realize that it's none of my business, but is everything okay? Has something happened?"

Brian started to snap at the man but stopped. "No, I'm afraid I'm moving out."

The man nodded. "Sorry to hear that sir."

Brian nodded and shut the door. Turning, he looked around the place that had become his home with Steve. With a sigh he began packing.

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Steve sat impatiently in the cab. As it pulled up to the Trump Tower, Steve quickly paid the driver and rushed into the building, hoping that Brian hadn't left yet. He had managed to get on a flight that was only six hours behind Brian's, thanks to a cancellation, and while he had had to ride coach, he had been willing to endure it as long as it gave him a shot of catching Brian before he moved out.

Reaching their doorway, Steve took a deep breath before unlocking it and walking inside. Seeing the boxes sitting packed around the room, he paused still not believing this was happening. His worst fears were coming true but it wasn't because of the reasons he had feared, but because of what he had done to prevent those reasons from happening.

Just then Brian walked into the room carrying some items from their office. "You made it here sooner then expected."

Steve watched as Brian placed the items in one of the boxes. "Brian, I can't believe you're doing this! Can't we talk about this? At least let me explain. We could talk about it and then maybe go see someone."

Brian stopped packing. "You have got to be kidding me. There is nothing to discuss. You have lied, manipulated, and covered up things for years and you want me to go to some therapist?! What for? So I can learn to trust you again? Not going to happen."

Steve felt the tears building in his eyes and didn't care. "Brian, please let me explain."

Brian finished with the last of the items and started to head for the bedroom. "Fine, explain awhile I'm packing up my clothes but it won't make a difference. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here. I'll come back for some of the other things when you're out."

Steve followed Brian into the bedroom. "Brian, it's not my fault about Justin but I'm sorry about what happened to him. And yes, I did block several attempts from him to contact you. I felt it would be easier for him to get over you if he thought that you no longer wanted anything to do with him. I hadn't realized that you had said that you wanted to be friends with him. Especially with how things had ended between you. I was trying to save you and him a great deal of pain by having him constantly thinking that he could win you back and you rejecting him."

Brian paused in his packing. "Bullshit. You blocked our communications because you were worried that he would win me back. You had no faith what-so-ever in us, in my love for you."

Steve watched as Brian went back to packing. "You're right but it's not that I didn't have faith in us and our love, it's just that I knew you still loved Justin too. I was afraid."

Brian continued as if Steve hadn't just admitted it. "You're right but you still were wrong in doing what you did. That also doesn't explain you doing the same thing with the family. I might have been able to forgive you for Justin over time, but you knew how I felt about my family."

Steve nodded. "I know and I really didn't mean to do it. I think that it became a defensive habit. I just knew that they were always comparing me to him and I always felt lacking. So whenever someone mentioned Justin when they called, I just didn't tell you about the call. I know it was petty of me, but I guess I was getting back at them for not allowing me to be part of the family. To always be the outsider, the villain, the man who stole you away from their precious Sunshine."

Brian hadn't missed the bitterness of Steve's last comment. "You actually hate Justin don't you."

Steve noticed it was a statement and not a question. "I don't know. I know that while we were trying to build our lives that first year, he was always there, always in the background of everything we did, that's why I was trying to get him out. I couldn't stand there and watch him continue to be in our lives when you had finally chosen me. When he disappeared I thought it would be our chance to finally begin to build our lives together without him constantly hovering in the background. I was wrong though. He was there more than ever and our lives were put on hold. I have spent the last three years watching you work hard, and it was all for Justin, never for me. I guess I was just fooling myself all these years."

Brian finished his packing and closed up the boxes and suitcases. "I guess we both were. Steve, for what it's worth, I did love you and I guess I still do, but I know now that it's not going to work. And who knows, maybe it never would have but I'm not going to sit here and play the 'what if' game. Too much time has passed and too much has happened. In a couple of weeks, I'll contact you about the rest of our things and we can discuss what to do about this place. If you want to continue to live here, that's fine, buy me out. We can have our lawyers draw up an agreement and I'll sign it."

Brian reached for the phone. "Yes, I need to have some boxes moved; I have an address for where they can be delivered."

Steve watched as Brian gave them the address of the office and replaced the phone into its cradle. "You're really going to do this. You're just going to throw the past four years down the drain. You're not even going to try?"

Brian walked into the living room and waited for the knock on the door. Opening it, he let the maintenance man back in with his cart. Turning to Steve, he looked at the man and saw the pain and hurt he was feeling. "Throw what away Steve? You've made sure that the past four years have been nothing but a half-truth. I can't live that way and I refuse to. I'll be in touch in a couple of days. I don't want to hear from you until then. I have a lot to think over and don't need you badgering me."

Steve took that as a sigh of hope and nodded. "All right. I'll wait for you to contact me first. But Brian, please remember that I do love you and that I hope one of your decisions will be to try and work this out."

Brian nodded, picked up his suitcases and left. Steve watched the man load the boxes and saw the sympathy in his eyes. Turning, he walked into the bedroom and shut the door. He couldn't watch the man remove Brian's boxes. It hurt too much. Looking around the bedroom, he realized too late that he had made a mistake in coming to this room as he saw all the empty drawers still open and the empty side of the closet where Brian's clothes had been.

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Brian checked into his hotel room and laid on the bed. Regardless of what Steve hoped for, Brian knew that he could never be with him again. Now he just had to decide what to do with his life. Did he want to stay in New York, did he want to sell his shares of the company and start his own business? He just didn't know. He did know that he somehow had to get Justin to talk to him. He needed him to know the truth but first, he would take care of the easy part. The family. Reaching over he called his travel agent and booked a flight to Pittsburgh.

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Steve had stayed out of the office and hadn't called Brian regardless of how many times he had reached for the phone and picked it up. He was giving Brian the time he needed. On the fifth day when the phone rang, he grabbed it hurriedly and sighed with relief when he heard Brian's voice. "Brian, it's good to hear your voice. How are you? Are you okay? I've been worried."

Brian sighed. "I'm fine Steve. I just got back into town. I went to Pittsburgh and talked with the family."

Steve felt his heart plummet. "Oh, okay. Is everything okay?"

Brian knew what Steve was asking him. "Yes, I'm back in the family's good graces. Have you thought about the condo? Do you want to continue to live there or do we sell it? Also there are a couple of things I'd still like to pick up but I felt that we should talk them over instead of me just taking them."

Steve had to sit down as the blood rushed through his system. "So…that's it. You're not willing to work this out at all."

Brian didn't answer right away. "Steve, I told you. I can't live that way and I just can't see how going to see a counselor will change that. You've been doing lying and hiding things for four years, how could I ever trust you again? I'm sorry but no. I feel that this is the best…for me."

Steve closed his eyes against the pain. "Brian… You're going to go back to him aren't you."

Brian knew what Steve was saying. "No Steve. Justin won't even see me. I still have a lot of thinking to do and it has nothing to do with him. It has to do with you and me. Especially me."

Steve heard the weariness in Brian's voice. "What do you mean?"

Brian sighed. "Steve…We work at the same office. We're partners in business together in a large company. I need to decide if I want to continue in the company or if I want to go somewhere else. That would mean, I also have to decide if I want to stay in New York. I just don't know."

Steve felt the tears run down his cheeks. "Brian…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I never meant for any of it to happen."

"I know Steve, but it did and now we just need to face the facts and come to a decision on what to do with life in the here and now." Brian said.

Steve swallowed. "I know. Brian, I miss you so much and I still love you."

Brian sighed. "I know."

Steve heard the click and knew that it was over. Brian really wasn't going to come back. He also knew that there was something he needed to do. One last thing for Brian.

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