Falling Down the Primrose Path

Part 11

Steve walked into his office for the third day in a row, hoping he'd get a glimpse of Brian. He'd hoped that Brian had finally calmed down enough so they could talk but Brian seemed to be avoiding him. Finally he decided to talk to Cynthia.

Walking up to her desk, he said. "Hi Cynthia, can you tell me where Brian is? I need to talk to him."

Cynthia looked at Steve but didn't smile back. "Yes, I know where he is but I was left explicit instructions that unless it was an emergency with the agency I wasn't to contact him and under no circumstances was I to tell you where he was."

Steve sighed and decided to use a little lovelorn charm. "Thank you Cynthia. I guess I couldn't make an emotional plea to get you to give it to me anyway?

Cynthia's eyes seemed to grow colder. "No, you couldn't."

Steve nodded, realizing that it was going to be harder then he thought and decided to use a little guilt. "I thought that we had become friends over the years and you would help me."

Cynthia stood up from her desk and grabbed some files. "Steve, I was here the whole time, remember? I saw you play on Brian's insecurities about Justin; subtle as they were even I almost didn't catch them. What you did was wrong but Brian chose you over Justin. I saw how happy you made him and tried to accept you but we were never friends. Brian is my boss first and has become my friend over the years. My loyalties will always be with him. One thing else you should know. I was there from the start with Brian and Justin. I saw everything they went through and how it affected them as well. Justin was my friend."

Cynthia turned and walked into Brian's office, firmly shutting the door behind her. Steve turned and went back to his own office. God he was tired of being the bad guy. True, he had gone after Brian but Brian was a big boy and had made his own decision. The whole situation was an accumulation of faults. Why couldn't everyone see that? Yes, he would admit he played on Brian's insecurities about Justin so that Brian would pick him and he tried to shut Justin out of their lives to make sure he kept Brian. Those were his faults. But Brian had listened to him when he could have ignored him or even told him to butt out but he didn't and he had picked him. That was Brian's faults but of course everyone else blamed him for those as well. Then there was Justin. Justin was also at fault too. He didn't fight for Brian, of course he might not have known he needed to, but when he found out, he just gave up. And then after he gave up, he refused to move on. And finally there was Brian's family. They were at fault too. They had constantly blamed him for all the problems that Justin was having and their break-up. And they had never really tried to accept him.

Steve sighed as he gathered his papers, packed his briefcase and left. Maybe if he stayed out of the office, Brian would come back and then he could come in unannounced to talk. Turning around, he went to talk to his assistant Helen. He would get her to keep an eye out for him and give him a call.

The only thing he truly worried about was that Brian wasn't staying low just to avoid him. He was worried that Brian had once again flown out to see Justin.

*****************************************

Brian pulled up to the gate and sat looking at it. Finally he rolled down his window and pushed the buzzer.

"Yes?" A feminine voice said.

"Jules? It's Brian Kinney. I'd really like to talk to Justin." Brian said.

"Brian? I don't think…come on into the kitchen." Jules said as she released the gate.

Brian pulled his rental car toward the back of the house and parked. Nervously he got out and walked to where Jules stood waiting for him in the kitchen doorway.

"Brian." Jules said looking slightly puzzled and tired.

"Hi Jules." He said as she moved to let him into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" She said reaching for a cup.

Brian sighed. He hated small talk. "Yeah, Jules how is he?"

Jules handed Brian his coffee and sighed. "He's doing okay. He's not sleeping too well and he hardly ever leaves his studio. The past couple of months have really stirred things up around here."

Sitting down at the kitchen table she continued. "The visit with his Mom and Molly was really good for all of them. Don't get me wrong, it was stressful on all of them and a bit awkward but it was a good start to all of them healing and getting to know each other again."

Brian nodded. "Then Steve showed up."

Jules looked up at Brian. "Then Steve showed up. Brian, he was actually starting to smile again."

Brian could understand Jules frustration. "I'm sorry he came here. I honestly never thought that he would."

"I know." Jules said clenching her cup harder. "It's just so hard to not be frustrated over the whole thing."

Brian reached out and placed a hand on top of one of hers. "Jules, I need to see him, to explain. I never abandoned him, at least not the way he thinks I did. I need to tell him about things he doesn't know about. Please."

Jules looked down at Brian's hand on hers and then back up into his eyes. "Wait here. If he says no there isn't anything you can do but give me some time to work on him."

Brian nodded. "I'm not going anywhere. I've taken a leave of absence with no return date."

"Brian…" She began.

"No, Jules." He stopped her. "I need to do this, not just for him but for me as well."

Jules stood up. "All right, let me see what I can do."

Brian watched Jules walk out of the room and hoped that he wasn't wasting his time. Maybe if Justin wouldn't listen to Jules, maybe he would listen to Jennifer. She owed him after all.

Jules was only gone about five minutes when she returned. Brian thought for sure that she was going to tell him no.

"Brian, you can go on back to his studio." Jules said. "And please, Brian, please don't hurt him."

Brian stood up and took a deep breath. "I…don't want to, and I hope that I won't. Thanks Jules."

Jules watched Brian walk down the hall and paused outside the studio doors before slowly pushing open the door. She hoped he didn't either.

*****************************************

Brian walked into the brightly lit room and looked around at the huge space.

"It's great isn't it? With almost one whole wall and half the ceiling being windows the lighting in here is good for a long time." Justin said.

Brian walked toward the sound of Justin's voice and found him on the other side of a huge canvas painting. "Yeah, it is. It's a very comfortable room."

Justin looked up at Brian and began to clean his brush. Moving his chair around he rolled it over to the sink and washed his hands. Standing up he reached for a towel before sitting back down. When he turned around again, he was pleased to see Brian hadn't moved and that there wasn't a look of pity or disgust on his face. "So what do you want Brian?"

"Justin, I think you should know that …well, can I sit down? This may take awhile." Brian said with a sigh. He couldn't believe how nervous he was. This was Justin! But then again, it was Justin, the one person who always made him nervous when it came to talking.

Justin rolled toward Brian and past him toward a sitting area over against one of the windows. "Sure Brian. Have a seat."

Brian walked over to the couch and sat down. "How are you doing Justin? I know my original visit really stirred things up for you."

Justin got up and maneuvered himself into the overstuffed chair beside the couch. "I'm fine Brian. Really. I…I still have a lot of things and people to face and you showing up like you did forced me to face some of them. It forced me to face the fact that I've been hiding from life. But that's not why you came here. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Brian sighed. "I didn't …I'm sorry that Steve came out here and bothered you. He didn't have a right and I never thought that he would but knowing now some of the things he's done in the past, I shouldn't have put it past him."

Justin looked puzzled at Brian. "Brian what are you talking about? What things in the past did Steve do?"

Brian paused and took a deep breath. "Justin, I never abandoned you. Not like you think I did. I listened to Steve tell me not to call you as you were trying to get your life together, that if you needed anything, you'd call. I didn't know about your phone calls, I never got the messages you left. I never even got the messages and other contacts from the school. Steve intercepted almost all of them. I can't blame Steve for all of it though. If I had been the friend that I had told you I wanted to be, I would have contacted you anyway. I know that it's asking a lot of you but I hope that one day you can forgive me and allow me to be the type of friend that I had always planned on being."

Justin was shocked. Steve, Steve was the one all the time. It wasn't Brian ignoring him. It wasn't Brian trying to forget he ever existed. "Why? Brian. Why?"

Brian sighed. "Justin, I can understand if you don't think we can be friends and I don't blame you."

"No Brian, not that. Why did Steve do it?" Justin asked.

Brian stopped and looked at Justin. He knew he had to tell him the truth. "Because he knew that I still loved you and would do just about anything for you. He didn't trust the love I felt for him or my commitment to our relationship. He didn't trust my choice and he was probably right to have felt that way but the way he went about trying to keep me was wrong."

Justin looked surprised. "You still loved me? How?! You were in love with Steve, you chose him."

Brian wiped a hand across his face and looked tired. "Justin, I've always loved you and I never stopped. I chose Steve because he played on my insecurities about you. He kept talking about your youth and about you getting tired of not living that type of life. About you growing to resent me as you got older for denying you the chances to experience those things that someone your age should experience. And all I could think about was Ethan. Thinking about the fact that you had already left me once. I loved you both but with Steve being older I felt he was the safer relationship for me. If I stayed with you and you left me again, I didn't know if I could handle it. I…I was scared. I didn't trust in our relationship and I never really gave it a chance. I'm sorry."

"Sorry is bullshit. It doesn't change anything. And what about your no regrets? Do you still believe both of those?" Justin asked trying to take in all that Brian had said.

"No, I don't. That was just my way of avoidance. Part of my pain management program." Brian said with a pained expression on his face.

"Brian, I don't blame you for what happened to me. I didn't have to take your route of pain management. What happened to me is my fault." Justin said.

Brian looked up at Justin, searching his face for the truth. "But if Steve…"

Justin stopped Brian. "What Steve did was wrong and we could play the 'what if' game for the rest of our lives. All we can do is work with what we have right now and go from there."

"So where does that leave us?" Brian asked, holding his breath.

"I guess we just see what happens. I would like us to be friends again but it's going to take time. A lot has happened and I'm still working through it. Besides, you have your life and Steve to get back to. I'm here and am working on building my life back up. But that doesn't mean we can't keep in touch, get to know each other again. I'd…I'd like that." Justin said.

Brian nodded. "I would too. Would you mind my visiting?"

Justin smiled, it wasn't his big sunshine smile but it was a start. "I'd like that."

Brian smiled back. "Good. So… want to show me what you're working on?"

*****************************************

Jules stepped back from the door and smiled. It looked like the visit with Brian went a lot better than she hoped. That maybe, just maybe it was what Justin needed to get back on the road to healing.

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