finally Free

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--------10:00 AM-------

Brian woke up and smelled bacon frying. Slowly he got up and put on his blue silk robe, and padded toward the kitchen. He stopped dead when he saw Justin, in a pair of sweatpants, moving through his kitchen like an expert chef.

Since Justin moved back into the loft, Brian was again subjected to his Sunshine's kitchen expertise, and though he was grateful, sometimes he wished Justin would put together simpler (and healthier) fare. Brian marveled at the spread before him: Justin cooked Eggs Benedict, bacon and toast, and put out two bowls of various diced melon, and fresh juice. Brian mentally calculated the cholesterol content of the meal, but his growling stomach stopped him. "I was hungrier than I thought,' he mused.

"Get to the eggs first before the Hollandaise goes bad," Justin ordered. Brian sat at the breakfast bar, sighed, and dug in. He'd never make it through this meal, but he knew it would mean a lot to Justin if he ate most, if not all, of it.

"Why such a huge breakfast, Justin? You know I don't eat this much in the morning," Brian said between bites. Stopping after closing the dishwasher, Justin came to the bar and faced his lover. "Since we're going to talk a while, a huge breakfast was in order," Justin said.

"Talk a while about what?"

"Our relationship. Now that I'm back, we need to talk."

"You know I don't do that crap," Brian said before dabbing a slice of toast in Hollandaise sauce and taking a bite. If he was going to make it through this meal, he had to get Justin to shut up.

"Yes, I know you don't do talking," Justin shot back as he loaded his plate and sat beside Brian. "The fact that we don't talk is what killed us, Brian. We don't fucking communicate! I'm not a mind reader. I can't process your thoughts by osmosis. You have to tell me what's on your mind."

Brian looked down at his plate, digesting what Justin said. "Did you talk to the Munchers before coming up with this idea," he asked with a laugh.

"Can't you be serious for once?"

"You know sitting around and talking about my feelings isn’t my style."

"That's the problem!"

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to trust me with your thoughts and feelings. If something is bothering you, tell me about it - maybe I can help you. I need you to trust me enough to tell me what's going on - like that damn trip to Chicago!"

"Why are you bringing that up? It happened. It's done - I'm not apologizing for what I did. And you weren't exactly honest with me either, if I recall. Why didn't you tell me you didn't like the hustler? And what about Ethan?"

"Brian, I'm not some injured innocent. I fucked up, too. But Ethan would never have happened if we'd only talked. I should have complained to you instead of Mel and Lindsay about that damn hustler - "

"You seemed to enjoy it at the time."

"You believe that because I didn't have the balls to tell you he wasn't the birthday surprise I had in mind. I could have told him to leave and complained to you. Instead, I bitched to Mel and Linds."

Brian stared down at his plate again. He wondered if he should tell Justin he almost bought him flowers the next day.

"What are you thinking about, Brian? Talk to me - if our relationship has any chance of surviving, you have to talk to me. You can't always use sex to try and tell me how you feel - spit it out. We love each other - that's fine, but we need to open our mouths for things other than food, kisses and cock," Justin begged.

That last statement got a chuckle out of Brian, but he took one look at Justin's face, and stopped laughing. His expression changed as he stared at his lover. Justin recognized the look. It was the one Brian gave every time Justin asked a relationship question. Brian would always fuck him once he got that look, and Justin would never get a straight answer to his question.

"Brian, you're going to talk to me, whether you like it or not," Justin said in a 'don't fuck with me' voice Brian never recognized.

"Dammit!" Brian groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Okay, Justin, let me tell you something. I almost bought you flowers that evening after giving you the hustler, because Mel chewed me a new one. I felt like that straight boyfriend who'd fucked up, running off to the florist to buy roses to save his sorry ass. Getting you flowers would have been an admission that I'd fucked up. I had no idea I'd done anything wrong, because you never said anything to me. You went right along with me that night."

"That's my point. I felt I had no choice. I already told you."

"You always have a choice - you chose to hide your true feelings from me."

"Like you always do," Justin retorted. That remark got a chagrined look out of Brian.

"I've only discussed my feelings with Mikey, because he could never hurt me with it - or so I thought. I never told him everything about me, but he knew enough to hurt me, and never used it as a weapon until recently. He couldn't stop twisting the knife in me over you and Ethan. He was like a schoolboy who'd discovered a dirty secret about someone, and picked up every opportunity to taunt me. I couldn't risk opening up after that. I didn't want to admit I fucked up, Justin. I'm not an easy person to know or love - you should know that better than anyone. You knew what you were getting with me, and you were cool with it. When did it change? When did I become the bad guy?"

"You're not the bad guy, and I really don't know, Brian - I think it was after I woke up one morning and saw my work trashed and pissed on. Nothing else you did hurt me more than that - the guy you brought home from the supermarket, the trick you had when I came home from Vermont, the hustler, the Rage model at the party - I could forgive you all that. You were just being yourself. My artwork, however, is my life - that was the lowest thing you could have done to me. I only recently began to forgive you, knowing you were probably drunk, high and jealous. Then, after all that, Mel and Linds take me to see Ethan perform for my birthday. Here was this guy - closer in age, ambitious, artistic, romantic, who spelled out exactly what was missing from our relationship. It wasn't flowers, violin music or floor picnics, Brian. It was communication. We never talked."

"I wasn't aware anything was missing until it was over, Justin. Why would talking have made any difference? I thought everything was fine until the week of the bowling match."

"We still had a problem talking, Brian. I need to hear the words now and then. I knew you loved me when you showed up at my Prom - then, you didn't have to speak; I saw it in the huge gesture you made in front of my classmates. I saw it in the way you smiled at me. I saw it in the way you danced with me, and kissed me in front of everybody. Now that I remember everything, I know you love me. I just need you to tell me."

"YOU REMEMBER THE PROM?" Brian cried as he nearly fell off his stool, knocking it over, and stood. He was trembling so hard he had to grab the bar to keep from falling to the floor. He couldn't believe it - after all this time, Justin finally remembered the best part of the best and worst night of their lives. The cynical mask he wore shattered; there was no one grasping that bar except Brian Kinney, the man - not Brian Kinney, the myth.

"Brian? Brian?"

When he didn't respond, Justin called his name a third time and reached for him. Brian stared ahead, tears in his eyes, pale and speechless. Justin pried Brian's hands from the bar, and pulled him into his arms.

Justin held onto Brian, surprised at the intensity of Brian’s reaction. Quiet sobs shook the taller man’s body once the initial shock subsided.

Shock didn't begin to describe how he felt - when did Justin finally remember that part of Prom night, and how? So much of Brian's hesitance and fear stemmed from knowing Justin lost his memory of their dance, and from Justin mocking Brian when he tried to jog the younger man's memory earlier this year.

Justin didn't know what to say. He'd never seen Brian so torn apart, so open. The walls fell before his eyes, and he finally saw the Brian Kinney he loved; the Brian Kinney he always knew existed. Justin had no idea how much his recovered memory would affect Brian. He massaged Brian's back, pressing soft kisses in his hair and murmuring soft, soothing words.

"I love you Brian. I loved you that night you came to me under the streetlight. I loved you when we made love. No matter what you threw at me in the beginning, I always came back, because I knew you felt something for me, if not yet love. You shattered all my doubts when you showed up at my Prom, looking so gorgeous and so terrified. If I didn't know you loved me before, I definitely knew then. Mom told me you came to see me every night when I was in the hospital. I wish you'd told me - it would have made my recovery easier to endure. Just remember that I love you enough for both of us, and I know you love me. Just talk to me, Bri - just talk to me."

Brian lifted his head, and looked down at Justin. "I love you," Brian said brokenly. It sounded as if the words were ripped from him. The old Brian wouldn’t have volunteered that tightly guarded information so soon, but all bets were off now. The smile on his face as he looked at his Sunshine spoke volumes. He was free to express himself, and damn the consequences. He hugged Justin, capturing his lips in a soft, too-quick kiss. Justin looked up at the tearstained face, the reddened eyes, and bed head, and thought Brian had never looked more beautiful, because the mask was gone. "I love you, Brian," he repeated, his "Sunshine smile" in full force.

"So, what do you say, Brian?"

"What do you think? Let's make a go of it - I won't promise you I'll behave, but I'd rather fall off the horse once than die never knowing how to ride."

Justin pressed his lips against Brian's. Pressing the length of his body against his lover's, Brian deepened the kiss. Justin untied the sash of Brian's robe, and slid his hands over the exposed flesh, caressing his chest, his belly, and down to his cock. He circled one of Brian's nipples with his tongue, and then drew it between his lips, sucking it into a hardened nub.

"I need a shower," Brian moaned, and Justin led him by the hand up the steps to the shower, turning it on hot, the way his man liked it. Brian stepped in, and began to soap himself. Justin took off his sweats and joined him, taking the soap and using it to wash Brian's back. Brian returned the favor, then started nibbling on his neck. He turned Justin around to face him. He circled Justin's pouty lips with his tongue, slipping it between. Justin pulled Brian against him, and slid his tongue over Brian's. Breaking the kiss, Brian started kissing the rest of Justin, teasing his nipples, his belly, his cock, and his ass. Justin sighed, bracing himself against the shower door. He could feel himself growing hard under Brian's lips and hands.

Taking advantage of his position, Brian kneeled before Justin and took his cock between his ruby-red lips. He crowned the head, sucking gently, then drew him inside, repeating the technique until Justin started thrusting into his face. Changing tactics, Brian ran his tongue along the ridge under Justin's cock, then swirled his tongue over the tip. Justin brought one hand down from the shower door and dug his fingers into Brian's hair, pressing the older man's face further into his crotch - he didn't know if his body was on fire from Brian's mouth, or the water.

Brian stopped before Justin could come. He turned him around, and raked his teeth over the soft, round buttocks, smiling as he felt his baby squirm. He ran kisses over the route his teeth took, alternating between kisses and sucking bites. Sliding his tongue down Justin's crack, Brian hit home - Justin's puckered hole. A whimper escaped Justin's lips as his body jerked in response. Brian licked and sucked the hole, urging it to open. He grabbed the lube and a condom, greased up a finger, and pushed in. "Shit," Justin gasped as he felt the invasion. Feeling the hole opening further, he inserted a second finger, and Justin rewarded him with wiggles and moans.

"Fuck me," Justin begged.

"That's 'Fuck me, Brian.'"

"Fuck me, Brian! Stop teasing me!"

"That's better."

Brian made Justin get back into his original position against the shower door. He then got up, put on the condom, lubed himself, and shoved in.

"Brian!" Justin cried, and grasped Brian's buttocks, holding him still. "Shit, baby - give me a second," Justin gasped, trying to catch his breath. Once he recovered, he urged Brian on, meeting his forward thrusts with backward thrusts of his own. Brian grabbed Justin's cock and started stroking, matching the rhythm of his thrusts with the strokes of his hand.

Water poured down their bodies, making them slippery. Sweat mingled with water, and steam obscured the view of the couple. They couldn't focus on anything but the sensations they felt, nor hear anything but the chorus of their moans.

Screaming Brian's name, Justin came, shooting all over the shower door, and slumping against it. Seconds later, Brian followed suit, crying out Justin's name and pulling him against his belly for one final thrust. The water rinsed the cum away, but it couldn't rinse away the joy. Turning around, Justin pulled Brian into his arms, and kissed him under the shower spray.

After recovering enough to get out, towel off and dress, Brian got ready for work, and told Justin to call the troops. "Call Emmett and get him to help decorate the place - just make sure he doesn't go overboard, okay? We haven't had a party here since Mikey's, well - I don't want to dwell on that. I think we should celebrate, and you know the horde won't rest until they know. I can't wait to see Mel and Ted's faces," Brian said with a chuckle.

“Know what?”

Brian grabbed a box from his drawer and opened it, revealing a pair of platinum rings. Brian heard Justin's gasp as he saw them - two plain platinum bands, each with an inscription.

“You fucking bought us rings?”

“Yep. I’d rather not do this with an audience – I hope you understand.” With that Brian plucked the smaller of the two rings out of its velvet bed, and positioned it toward Justin’s left ring finger.

"I said a while ago there was no turning back. We're in this together. Are you with me, Justin?”

Justin read the inscription in his ring - it had the word "Later," their secret code word of farewell and love, followed by the letters "BK. There was no doubt where he wanted to be from that moment.

Beaming, Justin cried, "Yes, Brian. YES!" He flung himself into Brian's arms, laughing. "I love you so much," he cried.

"Me too, baby...me too," Brian said between kisses.

Releasing him, Justin grabbed the other ring. He saw that Brian's ring had the same inscription, ending with "JT." and placed it on Brian’s ring finger. “Don’t look too goofy at work, stud,” Justin said, and hugged him tight.

"Emmett won't leave you alone once he sees that ring - you may as well tell him. Don't tell the others - I want to announce it tonight," Brian said as he kissed Justin goodbye.

"Okay," Justin said with a smile as he went to clean up the kitchen. Once the door slid shut, and he heard the elevator go down, Justin jumped and shrieked, dancing around the loft.

-------------2:30 PM-------------

"Em, are you sure these aren't too many roses?"

Justin called Emmett after Brian went to work, and told him what he needed. Emmett practically flew to the loft, ready to plan a party. He bought at least eight-dozen red and white roses, and proceeded to decorate the entire loft with them. There were mini- arrangements in cube-shaped vases on every countertop and table in the loft, and even some rose petals sprinkled over the floor. He draped gossamer accented with white twinkle lights over the beams, and tied white balloons to every available chair.

"You can never have too many roses for an engagement party, baby!" Em said in his Emmett way. Emmett did everything to excess when it came to planning a party - Ben's surprise birthday party quickly came to Justin's mind, and he shook it off - Brian would be in on this, so the surprise was really for the guests.

"Oh, I'm so happy for you two," Emmett said. He started getting choked up, and pulled himself together. "Anyway - I want to see this 'new and improved' Brian. I can't believe he called you last month and brought you back. I'm so relieved. He was such a mess when he saw you leave Babylon that night," he told Justin, his eyes clouding over with the memory.

"He was more of a mess than any of us knew, Em. I only discovered that this morning."

"You never told me how you suddenly remembered the Prom."

Justin thought back to that day, and told Emmett the whole story.

Two months ago, Justin hurried home to see Ethan. He bounded up the stairs, and heard music playing loudly. He knew it wasn't Ethan - he only listens to classical music, or plays his own. As he got closer, he could tell what song it was - "Save the Last Dance for Me," that song Brian told him they danced to at the Prom. The memories were there in bits and pieces, but the puzzle started to come together at last.

Justin stopped dead, and leaned against a wall. He could see Brian walking toward him in that tux, looking so gorgeous and scared. He laughed as he remembered Brian telling Daphne "I'd fuck you." He could feel Brian's hand holding his as they walked to the middle of the dance floor. He could see the crowd parting like the Red Sea, allowing Brian and Justin to take over. He could hear the music, and started swaying to the rhythm in the hallway. He knew those dance steps as if the Prom happened yesterday. Brian twirling Justin...dipping him...kissing him...kissing him again at his Jeep. It all came back in a flood. "Holy shit," Justin whispered in shock. After nearly two years, he finally remembered the whole Prom, not just getting hit by Chris Hobbs.

The song ended, but nothing was over for Justin. He slid down the wall to the floor, sobbing. He knew he had to break up with Ethan - now that he knew just how much Brian loved him, there was no contest. He'd rather be alone and reminiscing than with someone who paled in comparison. Justin ended the relationship and moved out that night. One month later, Brian phoned him, and he returned to the loft.

"And here I am," Justin said with a small laugh.

Emmett beamed, tears in his eyes. "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard," he said thickly. "We're going to make this a party no one will ever forget."

They worked together quickly, finishing up the decorations, ordering food, and telling everyone to 'bring their sorry asses to the loft by 6:30.'

------------6:20 PM-------------

Brian slid open his loft door and walked in, humming some tune stuck in his head. He couldn't remember being so happy before. All he could think about at work all day was Justin remembering their "ridiculously romantic" dance, and their quiet engagement that morning.

Cynthia must have thought he'd lost his mind when she came in to hand him some drafts, and saw him sitting at his desk with a goofy grin on his face. 'What's up with you," she asked.

“I’m fucking engaged, Cynthia.”

"What?"

"And Justin remembers the Prom - not just the bashing, but everything."

Cynthia's eyes welled up with tears, and she hugged Brian, not saying a word. She planted a kiss on his cheek, and then hurried back to her desk before the floodgates opened.

Stopping in the foyer, he surveyed Emmett's handiwork. Somehow Em managed to buy out the florist's entire stock in red and white roses, but the place didn't look tacky like Brian feared. The dining area and coffee tables had hors d'oeuvres, sandwiches, salads, desserts, and Justin's favorite pizza laid out on it. Flutes of champagne sat in a neat row along the breakfast bar. Seeing the lighted gossamer hanging from the beams kind of reminded him of his pre-Prom celebration Mikey interrupted, and he shook his head, clearing the thought.

Looking at the scene laid out before him, Brian got a vague flashback of Mel and Linds' wedding. "I can't believe I'm doing this," Brian muttered. Telling all these fools he was finally tied down to Justin was freaky. A little part of him, that bit of the old Brian that still remained, couldn't believe he was reduced to a bit-player role. Brian didn't really miss that guy anymore - he became too high-maintenance. Chuckling, he strolled over to the two partners in crime giggling in the kitchen.

"Okay ladies, what's so amusing?" Brian asked as he pulled Justin in for a lingering kiss.

"Oh, nothing," Emmett said unconvincingly.

"I'm going to let that slide for now - I have a feeling you won't be able to hold it in until the guests arrive." The buzzer rang at that very moment, so Brian broke free from Justin's embrace, and hurried into his bedroom to change. Justin answered the door. "It's us," the voices shouted in unison, and Justin buzzed everyone in.

Brian was so nervous - he couldn't believe he was about to bare his soul to his entire family. "Mel and Ted will probably die from the shock," Brian said to himself with a laugh. He could hear the horde invading his loft - especially Deb gushing over the decorations. He laughed as he heard Ted say, "What's he having - a wake? Shouldn't he have black roses?" Shaking his head, Brian finished his regimen and put on a pair of black pinstriped slacks, a red silk shirt, and his boots. There was no need for him to get dressed up - he was home for the night. The ring still felt weird, and he stared at it for a few moments, stuck his hands in his pockets, and went down to greet everyone.

"Brian, what the hell is going on? This place looks like a florist shop," Michael asked. "Grab a bite, and we'll tell you everything," Brian said gently as he pushed Michael toward the breakfast bar. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Emmett buzzing with the urge to blurt it out. "Em, relax, and keep it to yourself for a little while longer," he ordered.

Brian's eyes lit up when he saw Lindsay holding Gus, and he reached for him. "I've got a big surprise for everybody, Sonny Boy," he said, kissing Gus' forehead. "Dada - supise!" Gus said happily, clapping his little hands. "Yeah, Sonny Boy – a surprise." He squeezed his son, eliciting a delighted squeal, then handed Gus back to Lindsay.

"All right folks, Em and I worked really hard on this food today, so dig in," Justin said as he put on some music. Everyone relaxed, drinking, eating, and arguing like one big happy family. A mini food fight started when Michael tossed a shrimp ball in the air and tried to catch it with his mouth. The shrimp ball bounced off his chin and landed on Brian's head. Brian grabbed it and tossed it back to him. Michael then picked up a canapé and got ready to fling it, when Justin stopped him. The look in Justin's eyes made his mom's evil eye look tame. Chagrined, Michael popped the canapé in his mouth. Brian just laughed.

After dinner, everyone rushed to sample the desserts. Justin sat in Brian's lap on the sofa, his eyes twinkling with love. "Hey baby," Brian murmured as he kissed his Sunshine. He pulled back before Justin could take the kiss further, which earned him a frustrated whimper from the younger man. "Later," Brian said, then motioned for them both to get up.

Grabbing a champagne flute, Brian tapped on it with a fork to get everyone's attention. Everyone stopped their chatter, and paid attention to the couple standing before them.

"I know some of you can't believe Justin and I are back together. Hell, I can't even believe it. We had a long talk this morning about what went wrong in our relationship, and I think we know what to do this time to get it right. I certainly hope so. I’m sure we’ll fuck up now and then, but we aren’t going to let that stop us.

While we were separated, I was a mess, hiding out from everyone, drinking myself to oblivion, and being a hermit. Thirty days ago, I called Justin at three in the morning. I found out he was no longer with Ethan, and that he wanted to come back. He came back that same morning. I won't bore you with the details of that reunion." He looked over at Justin, smiling at the crimson creeping into the blond's face.

"Yes, spare us," Ted and Mel said together, laughing when they realized what they did.

Brian continued. "Things pretty much went back to normal for us, but it wasn't quite the same. There was tension surrounding both of us. We were afraid to put one foot wrong. Justin finally went out on a limb this morning and we hashed things out. We realized we never really talked – hell, we’re both pretty stubborn men. It’s a wonder we managed to talk today. During our talk, Justin told me that he remembered the Prom - not just getting hit by Chris Hobbs, but everything. You can't even begin to know what that did to me. All this time I was a wreck because my one big romantic gesture was locked away in Justin's mind. I was afraid to open myself up like that again, because I might lose my heart or get hurt. I knew I had to accept I was fucked – That damn Cupid’s got a lot to answer for."

On a count of three, Brian and Justin held up their newly-be-ringed hands. The horde began to chatter excitedly, amazed at what they saw.

"Will you guys shut up?" Brian said. The group stopped talking.

Emmett and Debbie burst into joyful tears. Mel and Linds clasped hands, too stunned to speak. Michael and Ben mirrored Mel and Linds as they stared at Brian and Justin. Ted gawked at Brian. Jennifer beamed tearfully at her son, relieved to see him finally happy.

Everyone swooped on them, kissing and hugging the couple, saying their congratulations. Brian heard at least three people say, "I can't believe it." Ted hugged Brian and said, "I think you finally redeemed yourself." The Brian Kinney he saw standing before him was not the one he thought he knew. This Brian was open, relaxed and truly happy, and hadn't tossed one sarcastic remark his way.

Brian saw something in Mel's eyes he never thought he'd see: respect. He winked at her, and she blushed - Damn - I think I just figured out why people love him, Mel thought. She hugged him, and said, "You've changed – I don't know if I should be happy, or scared."

"Be afraid…be very afraid," Brian said with a smile, and broke the embrace to get mauled by Deb, who hugged him, then slapped him.

"You asshole! Why didn't you tell me you and Sunshine were getting married?"

Debbie squeezed Brian in her arms, barely giving him space to breathe. "We only decided this morning," Brian gasped. Damn - he forgot how strong Deb's hugs were! Michael and Justin pried her from his lanky frame. Deb turned to Justin, and squeezed him too. "Ma, let him go," Michael said when he saw Justin's face turning red. Releasing Justin, Deb asked, "When's the wedding?"

"We haven't decided, but you'll all be the first to know," Brian said with a smile. Clasping Justin's hand in his, Brian pressed a kiss against his partner's temple, and they both beamed at their clamoring horde.

"No matter what happens, we'll work with it," Justin said with a smile. Brian nodded, smiling down at his partner.

This feeling

Inside me

Finally found my life

I'm finally free

No longer

Torn in two

I've learned about my life

By learning from you

--Excerpt from "Finally Free," by Dream Theater, 2000

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