I Find You Here

Notes: The song lyrics are from Wolfsheim’s “Find You’re Here.” I was listening to this song earlier, and it made me think instantly of Brian in that bed and Justin preparing to join him. And just why the Hell am I visiting that depressing time again? When the angst bug bites, I have to scratch.

###############################################

I heard the door slide open, and knew it was Justin. No one else, barring a dire emergency, would dare enter my loft at 2:59 in the morning. When I gave him his choice earlier, I was confident he would be with the Fiddler.  It was so simple; I’d toss the ball in his court, and he could take it to the romantic schoolboy who gave him what he wanted. Sure, that wouldn’t leave me with much, but it’s for the best, really.

When I wake up

I find you're here

I should feel joy

But I am not even near

We’ve been drifting apart for the past several weeks, especially after my stellar performance on his artwork and the birthday gift. Oh, and that Vermont fiasco didn’t help, either. We just weren’t meant to be this married couple. He knew the rules; hell, he made them up. And he broke them as quickly as he made them.

I told him he could stay with me until he was better; well, he’s better now – he’s free to go. Never mind about me. I knew the day would come when he’d need to split, and it wouldn’t make sense for me to stop him. An idiot could see it was over.

I don't know where

You've been tonight

I guess, you've been with someone else

But I don't care if I'm right

I don’t do jealous, even though my performance days earlier showed otherwise. It was inevitable that we would split. When Michael told me what was going on I pretended it didn’t bother me, but it did. Hell yes, it did. But it’s done, and Justin has moved on.

I do not feel

No jealousy

If I would lose you now

I'd simply say: "It's destiny!"

He stood there, debating whether it was okay to hop in the bed. I’d have been a fool to deny him; it would be the last time. If he needed to go, he’d go. I’d make sure of that tonight. There was no point in him staying here, being miserable, when he could be somewhere else and happy.

I find you're here

Moving on

You're just doing what you want

And I can't find it wrong

I watched him undress like a virgin on her wedding night. Did he expect me to lash out like I did before? I’m too tired to even bother. It wouldn’t accomplish a damn thing if I did, other than to piss him off further.  Finally he stripped down to his underwear, and memories of a different time, a happier time, flash in my brain.

He was the annoying little brat who wouldn’t stay on the sofa, though I didn’t mind having him snuggled beside me. It kept me from having to turn on the heat; plus it made for fun mornings. Well, I'd have no more of that now – this is certainly not one of those happy times. I’m surprised he didn’t just crash on the sofa. It would have been poetic irony.

I know for sure

You would be gone

You wouldn't stay with me

If something better comes along

I pulled up the duvet so he could get in, and he slowly dragged himself beneath, his back turned to me. I covered him, and gently caressed his bare arm. It sucks that someone else has touched that silky skin, and probably – no – certainly, will again. I’m not going to cry…not going to cry…not going to cry.

I do not feel

Anxiety

I wouldn't be alone for long

That's destiny!

I know what I have to do at the party. It’s probably going to hurt me more than he, but it’s the only solution. We’re killing each other. But damn it if I didn’t feel like shit as I heard his sniffles, knowing it wasn’t his damn allergies.

I don't know where

You've been tonight

If I would lose you now

I'd simply say: "It's destiny!"

I cannot blame you

For a thing

If I would have the chance

I'd do the same... to you!

Return to Mothafunkybat