Rage Over Hollywood

Chapter 11

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It was Justin's turn to awaken to a mind-numbing blowjob, after which he allowed Brian to fuck him in the shower. They were drying off when the phone rang.

"I'll get it," Justin offered, wrapping a towel around his waist.

Brian listened for a moment in case he was summoned, but when he didn't hear his name, he began to shave. He was just finishing up when he caught sight of Justin in the mirror. The man was pale, even for Justin, and his expression was one of disbelief.

Turning, Brian frowned in concern. "What?"

"That was Brett," Justin said absently. "They caught the guy who stabbed Richard."

"Really," Brian mused, vaguely impressed. "That's good, isn't it?"

Justin nodded slowly. "His brother worked in the mail room at the studio. A guy by the name of Trevor Harding. He delivered stuff all over the place. That's how he got in to personnel without anyone suspecting."

Justin's gaze seemed so far away that Brian's concern was growing. "Justin?"

The younger man looked up as though just noticing Brian was there. "Victor woke up. They think he's going to be Ok, but…"

"But what?" Brian pressed when the blond's voice trailed off.

"Richard died."

The words were spoken so quietly Brian wasn't sure he'd actually heard them, but one look at his lover's face confirmed that he had. "Christ, Justin," he breathed.

The smaller man stepped forward and Brian took him in his arms. He didn't know what he could say to make it any better so he just held him, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

"They cancelled the movie," Justin mumbled into his chest. "They don't want to take any more chances. Said there are too many out there who feel the way the Hardings do."

"That fucking sucks," Brian said in response.

Justin nodded against his chest. "No matter what I decided to do, I still thought the movie would be made, you know? I still thought it could be something big. And now Richard's … dead…" The word seemed to catch in his throat. "And it was all for nothing."

Brian leaned back a little and lifted his lover's face so that he could look into his eyes. "It's already something big," he assured the younger man. "You and Mikey produced your own successful comic, for Christ's sake. That's huge. And Richard's dead because of a guy with a fucked up set of morals, not because of Rage."

Justin still didn't find it quite so easy to separate the two, but he didn't say that out loud. "I have to go out there," he said instead. "I need to get the rest of my stuff and get in touch with Jarod about the lease on the apartment and clean out my desk at the studio and…"

Brian put a finger gently to the blond's lips to stem the flow of words. "I'll go with you," he promised.

Justin let out a breath and nodded gratefully. He wasn't looking forward to it, not after everything that had happened, but with Brian by his side, he knew it would be easier. "Thanks."

Brian smiled. "Twat," he said softly. "I'll book a flight as soon as I'm finished in here. You go get dressed."

Justin managed a wan smile before returning to the bedroom. Brian watched him through the open door for a moment, and then turned with a sigh to finish up at the sink.

He couldn't help wishing that they'd never heard of Brett fucking Keller.

When he entered the bedroom a few minutes later, it was to find Justin curled up in the bed, the duvet pulled up to his chin. He didn't need an explanation; the look on his lover's face was enough to tell him that it had all finally hit home. Without a word, he dropped his towel and slid in beside the trembling body.

Immediately, Justin moved closer, allowing himself to be pulled into Brian's arms. "Suddenly, I was just so cold," he whispered as he held tight to the one real thing in his life.

Brian kissed the top of his head and tightened his embrace. "It's Ok," he said simply.

They were silent for a moment before Justin spoke again. "I can't believe this is all happening."

Brian squeezed his shoulder, but didn't respond verbally. What could he possibly say that would make sense of any of it?

After a while, Justin shifted to look into his lover's face. "I know it doesn't matter now, but I had already decided to stay."

The intense blue eyes told Brian that it was true. One thing was wrong though, it did matter; it mattered a lot. And as much as he didn't want to admit it, the reasons mattered, too. "Because of me," he said quietly.

Justin shook his head slowly. "Because of me," he countered. "It's what I want."

Brian swallowed, hating himself for having to say it, but feeling that it needed to be said. "It wasn't what you wanted before all the drama yesterday," he pointed out.

Justin considered that for a moment. "Yeah, it was," he finally said. "I was going back because I'd convinced myself that I'd be letting Brett and everyone else down if I didn't."

"So, what changed your mind?"

"I realized I'd be letting myself down if I did." He watched Brian's eyes intently as he added, "And you." When he continued, his voice was a husky whisper. "Nothing's worth that to me, Brian."

He was touched by the words but being Brian Kinney meant never having to admit to such a weakness. Still, his voice was soft when he replied. "You can be a real twat sometimes, you know that?"

Justin let out a huff of breath that was half-sob, half-laugh. "Yeah," he said, snuggling back down into his lover's warm embrace. "I know."

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The next afternoon, they once again arrived at Justin's L.A. apartment. Since Justin had expressed a desire to clear things up quickly, their return flight was already booked for the following day.

"I really should stop by and see Mrs. Turner before we go," Justin mused distractedly as he looked around the apartment.

Brian nodded and waited a beat. "And Steve."

Justin's eyes darted to meet his and Brian saw the combination of fear and guilt there. Nodding again, he turned away toward the bedroom. "First you should call Keller and make sure he's at the studio. Don't want to waste a trip."

Justin just stood there as though rooted to the spot. There was no longer any doubt in his mind that Brian knew how attracted he was to Steve. He felt a cold dread settle in the pit of his stomach as he recalled the brief glimpse he'd caught of his lover's eyes before he'd turned away. "Brian," he said uncertainly.

Brian slowly made his way back to where Justin still stood and looked him straight in the eye. "I don't want a repeat of …" He still couldn't say the fucking fiddler's name. "Of what happened before," he continued, trying to sound calm and reasonable while inside he was anything but. "But I know this is different."

"He's my friend, Brian," he said, as though that solved everything. "Like Michael's yours."

"No," Brian corrected him quietly. "It's not the same. I never wanted to fuck Michael."

"Brian, I …"

"I know you didn't plan on fucking Steve either," Brian assured him. "But something changed when you found out he was a trick."

Justin swallowed. He couldn't deny that something had, indeed, changed.

Taking the other man's silence as agreement, Brian nodded once. "And I think you need to figure out what."

He was right and they both knew it. "I'll go see him later," Justin said quietly.

"Good," Brian replied, striving for a nonchalance he was far from feeling. "In the meantime, call Keller and I'll start packing up the rest of your shit."

The time at the studio was difficult. Since he'd shared an office with Richard, it was impossible for Justin to clean out his desk without his gaze being drawn to the unoccupied one on the other side of the room. As he thought about the brief working relationship they'd shared, the feeling of sadness within him deepened.

"Justin," Brian said quietly, knowing full well where his partner's mind was.

Justin looked up at him briefly and nodded before returning to the task at hand. A couple of minutes later, he had everything packed into his messenger bag. "Ready," he sighed, moving to stand beside his lover.

Brian threw an arm around his shoulder and squeezed briefly in a gesture of support as they made their way out of the office.

Once back at the apartment, Justin looked around and heaved a sigh. "I guess that's everything," he said. "Now I just need to call Jarod."

"I can do that," Brian offered. He paused for a moment. "You've got other things to take care of."

As much as he was dreading it, Justin knew he was right. "Want to come with me?" he asked in an almost childlike voice.

Brian walked toward him and looked into his eyes before kissing him on the forehead. "What would that really prove?" he asked quietly.

"Brian, I…"

"No promises," Brian warned. "You don't know what's going to happen."

Justin's eyes narrowed slightly. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, suddenly feeling suspicious toward the other man's actions. "Is this another attempt to push me away?"

Brian barked a short, mirthless laugh at that. "Trust me, Sunshine, that's the furthest thing from my mind." He was surprised to realize just how true those words were. As much as he knew Justin had to do this, he wanted nothing more than to take hold of him and never let him go. But things weren't that simple and they both knew it. With a deep sigh, he tried to explain his reasoning, a concept he was still learning to adapt to. "Remember when Mikey found out about me and Ben?"

Justin's eyes widened slightly as he recognized the similarities and wondered why he hadn't before.

Seeing that Justin was with him, he continued. "You know how crazy he got."

Justin opened his mouth to protest that he wasn't anything like Michael, but Brian stopped him. "I know; it's not the same. You're not Mikey."

Justin's indignant huff made him smile slightly. It faded, though, as he continued. "I never told you this, but I offered to fuck him."

"What?!"

Brian just stared at his lover's open-mouthed expression for a moment, allowing time for the words to sink in. "I offered to fuck him," he said again, as calmly as if he was talking about the weather. "It was eating him up inside knowing Ben had something he never would. It was always going to be there. Between me and Mikey, between Mikey and Ben." He shrugged. "So I offered."

Justin didn't know what to say. "I can't believe this," he breathed, genuinely shocked. Then he asked a question he wasn't really sure he wanted an answer to. "So, what happened?"

Brian smirked, remembering. "He turned me down," he said quietly.

"Oh my fucking God," Justin exclaimed in disbelief. "Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

Brian looked at him like he'd grown an extra head. "That I got turned down?"

Justin rolled his eyes. "That you offered in the first place."

Brian shrugged. "It wasn't something I was proud of," he said quietly. "I think I hurt him, Justin."

He could well imagine how Michael might have been hurt by Brian's actions. "But you guys got through it," he reminded him.

"Yeah," Brian agreed with a short nod. "Mikey finally realized what an asshole I really am."

"Or maybe he finally realized what had happened between you and Ben just didn't matter," Justin countered.

He watched Brian process that for a moment. "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked softly.

"Because, as much as you hate to admit it, your situation isn't all that different from Mikey's," he said. "You found out your boyfriend fucked your friend." He smirked. "Of course, in his case, it was his friend fucking his boyfriend."

"That's not the only difference," Justin pointed out quietly.

Brian stared at him for a long moment before replying. "No. You're not Mikey and Steve's not me. I can't see him making the same offer, can you?"

Justin shook his head slowly. "No."

"But that doesn't change the fact that you feel betrayed, just like Mikey did. I don't want this coming between us anymore than I wanted what happened with Ben to come between me and Mikey."

"And you think the answer is for me to fuck Steve?" Justin asked calmly.

"I didn't say that," he said, a slightly sharper edge to his voice. "But we both know fucking well what could happen when you go over there."

"Then I won't go," Justin said without hesitation. Brian detected a hint of relief in the tone and smiled sadly. "And then you'd always wonder, just like Mikey would have," he said softly. "This needs to be resolved, Justin, one way or the other. But…"

"But what?"

He took a deep breath. "But whatever happens, I never want to talk about this again after today."

Justin sighed. "Christ, Brian, I don't even want to talk about it now."

"That was our problem last time," Brian reminded him quietly.

Justin's features flushed with shame as he remembered the way he'd lied the whole time he'd been sneaking around with Ethan. "Yeah," he said, barely getting the word out.

"So this is it, Justin. You do whatever you need to do, but after today, I don't ever want to have to think about it again. No matter what happens, it ends here."

He took in the miserable look on his lover's face and felt genuinely bad for him. Lifting his chin with one finger, he looked into the tortured blue eyes. "It's just sex, Justin. It doesn't change anything between us." He was rewarded for his words when a small portion of the fear and uncertainty in his lover's eyes was replaced with relief and love.

Justin reached up and kissed him gently. "Thank you for that," he said softly. "And thanks for telling me about Michael."

Brian slipped his arm around his lover's waist. "Did it help at all?"

Justin considered the question. "I don't know," he finally said. "But you're right. I need to resolve this."

Brian nodded and released him. "I'll call Jarod while you're gone," he said.

Justin gathered his wallet and his cell phone, pausing at the door. "I shouldn't be too long," he said tentatively.

Brian recognized the unspoken question that lay beneath the words. "I'll be here when you get back," he promised.

Justin smiled slightly and let himself out of the apartment.

Brian looked at the closed door for a moment and wondered what the fuck he'd been thinking. He'd practically pushed Justin to sleep with Steve, knowing full well that they both, at least on some level, had feelings for one another.

Sighing, he turned to look around the quiet apartment. All he could do now was wait and hope it didn't blow up in all their faces.

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Standing in front of the door to the apartment Steve and Sandy shared, he found himself wondering if he was doing the right thing. With a determined sigh, he rang the bell.

"Justin!" Steve exclaimed upon opening the door. "I didn't think you were getting back until later in the week. Come in."

Justin noticed how nervous Steve sounded, but tried to ignore it. "I'm only back to pick up my things," he explained as he made his way into the living area.

After Justin had taken a seat on the sofa, Steve lowered himself into the chair across from him. "You're leaving?" he asked with a small frown.

Justin nodded, realizing he probably thought what had happened with Brian had something to do with it. "The movie's been cancelled."

"What? Why?"

Justin filled him in on the details he wasn't already aware of. When he was done, Steve looked as shocked as Justin had when he'd first learned the news. "Oh my God, Justin. I'm sorry," he said.

Justin nodded his thanks for the sentiment and they both sat in silence for a moment, thinking over all that had happened. Realizing that the most difficult part of their conversation was yet to come, Justin cleared his throat. "I.. uh… think we need to talk."

Steve nodded reluctantly. "Want a drink?"

"Sure," Justin replied, glad for the extra time to gather his thoughts.

Once they were both seated with a glass of Beam, Justin began again. "I'm sorry for the way I left before."

"Don't be," Steve assured him. "I'm sure it must have come as quite a shock. For what it's worth, I think Brian and I were just as surprised as you were."

"I know." Justin agreed. After a moment, he continued. "It's not like I don't know Brian fucks other guys. I mean, we both do. It's just that…"

"The other guy in this case was me," Steve concluded softly.

Justin nodded. "Yeah. I felt betrayed and I wasn't even sure why. I'm still not."

Steve looked at him intently as though he'd see the answer in the deep pools of blue. "I know it's not because you felt threatened," he finally said. "What happened couldn't touch what you and Brian have." He waited a second or two before adding, "Or what we have."

"No, I never felt threatened," Justin agreed. Taking a deep breath, he figured it was time to lay all their cards on the table. "But I was jealous."

Steve's brow furrowed. "You had no reason to be. What Brian and I did meant nothing."

"I know that," Justin said in a quiet but confident voice.

"Then what did you possibly have to …" At Justin's raised eyebrow, he finally realized what the blond was saying. "Oh fuck."

"Yeah," Justin smiled wryly. "Something like that."

Steve cleared his throat nervously. "Justin, you have to know how attracted I am to you, but I never would have pushed you for anything. I know you're in love with Brian."

"Does that mean you'd turn me down if I were to offer?" Justin asked in a voice not much more than a whisper.

Steve swallowed hard. "No," he admitted without hesitation. "I care about you, Justin, but I'm not stupid."

They sat looking at each other for a long moment, the sexual tension heavy between them.

Steve broke the silence first with a sad smile. "But you're not offering, are you, Justin?" he asked quietly.

Justin knew how easy it would be. All he needed to do was give Steve one small signal and they'd end up in his bed. But he cared too much for him to be just a fuck, and he loved Brian too much for it to be anything more. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

Steve got to his feet and took Justin's hand, pulling him up into a hug. "Don't be," he whispered.

Justin hugged him back, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. It was a moment before he realized his body was not reacting to the close contact the way it once would have. Pulling back, he looked into the grey eyes and frowned slightly. "Does this change things?"

"I think so," Steve answered with an encouraging smile. "But in a good way. We just passed the ultimate test of friendship."

Justin returned the smile. "Yeah, I guess so."

Sandy walked in to find them like that. "Interrupting something?" she asked, the note of disapproval in her tone obvious.

Justin turned and flashed one of his trademark smiles. "Just the strengthening of a friendship," he informed her as he crossed the room to give her a hug.

Sandy looked from one to the other thoughtfully. "So things are OK?"

"Things are just the way they should be," Steve answered, casting a smile in Justin's direction.

Sandy trained her gaze on Justin. "And Brian?"

"He's back at my apartment, making some arrangements. I'm leaving L.A."

Leaving out the more personal details of their visit, Justin repeated what he'd told Steve about what had happened and how the movie had been cancelled.

"So this is it," she said once he'd finished. "You're not coming back."

"No," Justin replied with a touch of regret. "But I'd like to keep in touch, if that's Ok."

"You'd better," she said, squeezing him tight in a hug. "And if you and that boyfriend of yours ever get out to California again, you'd better stop in."

"I promise," Justin said with a smile.

The three friends visited a while longer before Justin got up to leave. "I should go," he said. "Brian's waiting for me." The quick glance he shot in Steve's direction told him that Brian knew very well what the outcome of this visit could have been.

"Give him our best," Sandy said.

"I think he's already got it, San," Steve teased with a twinkle in his eye.

Justin blushed slightly, but smiled. "I will," he said to Sandy as he hugged her and kissed her cheek. "Take care."

He turned to Steve and hugged him too. "Thank you," he whispered.

"We'll miss you," he replied, squeezing the younger man tight before releasing him.

"Me, too," Justin assured them both.

With only a slight reluctance, he left the apartment and headed downstairs to hail a cab.

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He was lying sprawled on the sofa, absently flicking through channels on the TV when he heard the door open. Switching off the set, he casually got to his feet and looked at his lover.

"Hey," Justin said almost timidly.

"Hey," Brian answered back.

Justin cleared his throat as he took a few steps toward the other man. "Did you get in touch with Jarod?"

Brian nodded. "It's all taken care of."

Justin nodded too.

After a moment's silence, Brian spoke. "Did you see him?"

"Yeah," Justin replied, his eyes locked with Brian's. "We talked."

Brian lowered his eyes and nodded. "Good," he said, his voice sounding uncharacteristically rough.

Taking a step closer, Justin reached out to touch his lover's arm. "I didn't fuck him, Brian."

Hazel eyes met blue and he could see the truth there. With a smirk, he tried to hide his relief. "He turned you down?"

Justin shook his head. "No. He made it clear he wouldn't if I offered."

Brian immediately gleaned the meaning from those words and his expression sobered. "But you didn't offer," he surmised.

Justin smiled slightly. "No, I didn't offer. You don't fuck your friends, remember?"

By outward appearances, Brian's responding smile was small, but inside he was relieved. Justin was telling him that he and Steve were still friends, but that was all it was, all it would ever be. The warm feeling spreading within him was still somewhat foreign, but in a pleasant way.

"Besides, how could I possibly follow the legendary stud of Liberty Avenue?" Justin teased, slipping his arms around Brian's waist.

Returning the casual embrace, Brian smirked. "I don't know that you'd have anything to worry about. You did learn from the best, after all."

"That I did," Justin murmured, leaning in to nuzzle his lover's neck briefly. Pulling back, he once again locked eyes with the man he loved. "Everyone else pales in comparison."

The honest emotion in the blue eyes nearly took his breath away but in true Kinney fashion, he played it light. "Even grey eyes and a killer smile?"

Justin smiled slightly, trailing his fingers down Brian's cheek. "Mmm. Hazel eyes and a smile reserved just for me trumps that any day."

Brian rewarded him with the aforementioned smile. It actually was reserved just for Justin and he knew it, the little twat. At that moment, there was no doubt in his mind that Justin really was on to him, probably had been from the very beginning. Never before had anyone breached his defenses like the blond, blue-eyed man in his arms. He had, indeed, gotten under the wire.

The thought reminded him of a conversation he'd once had with Debbie. He thought that maybe it was finally time for him to answer the question she'd asked then. Tightening his hold on his lover, he pressed their foreheads together. After allowing himself a moment to revel in the love he saw shining in Justin's eyes, he smiled. "Remind me again why it is I love you," he said softly.

Justin's eyes widened slightly upon finally hearing the words he'd waited so long for. Of course, he knew that making a big deal out of it was one way to ensure he didn't hear them again for a long, long time. Feigning a thoughtful expression, he pretended to mull it over. "1500 on my SAT's?"

Brian smiled, grateful that Justin hadn't freaked out after waiting so long. Then again, it hadn't exactly been a secret for a very long time. "Uh uh," he said with a small shake of his head that had their foreheads brushing together. "I don't think so."

"The hair?"

"Good teeth?"

"Perfect ass?"

"I give great head?"

Brian laughed at that last one, but shook his head like he had with the others.

Justin took Brian's face in his hands and looked deep into the laughing hazel eyes. "Because you're a very, very smart man with impeccable taste?"

Brian's smile of amusement was replaced by the special one he saved only for Justin. "Yeah," he whispered, "I think that was it."

Justin smiled. "I love you, too, Brian," he said softly.

Brian leaned in to kiss him long and deep. One more night in L.A. and then they could say goodbye to sunny fucking California once and for all. No more monthly visits or late night phone calls. No more quiet loft or empty bed. No more waiting or wishing or wondering.

They'd survived it all and were stronger than ever.

And, together, they were going home.

THE END

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