Going or Staying

Chapter 4

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Brian reached the offices of Kinnetik without even realizing he'd had a destination in mind. He'd planned on taking the rest of the week off to allow time for his injury to heal, but once he stepped through the doors, he knew that work was just the distraction he needed. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the surprised looks on some of his employees' faces and briefly wondered if it was the sling or the casual attire that had caught them off guard.

Cynthia's expression mirrored some of the others, but, unlike them, she wasn't about to let him walk by without a word. "Brian?" she called in slight confusion. "What are you doing here? I thought you were taking a few days."

He was about to issue a caustic reply when Ted came out of the conference room and practically repeated her words.

"Brian! I thought you were supposed to be taking it easy," he said with a hesitant smile.

He glared at each of them in turn. "Yeah, well, if I leave you two to run this company into the ground, my arm won't be the only thing in a sling."

With that, he headed into his office, leaving his two co-workers to look at each other in stunned confusion.

A few minutes later, Ted entered the executive office, hesitating at the door for a moment. "Bri?"

Brian looked up from the papers on his desk, his expression weary. "What is it, Theodore?" he sighed.

"I was, uh, going to email you with this," Ted hedged, moving closer to the desk, "but since you're here, I thought I should tell you. We got the Fosters account. They want new logos, signs, everything. I thought maybe Justin could…"

"Justin can't," Brian cut him off.

Ted considered those words for a minute. While Justin didn't actually work for Kinnetik, Brian often threw freelance art jobs his way. Justin made some extra money and gained valuable experience and Kinnetik benefited from the young man's talent. Ted had learned to anticipate the sort of jobs that Justin would enjoy and designing Fosters' new logo was right up his alley.

Deciding maybe it was a time issue, he tried to reassure his boss. "I know he's busy, but there's no rush on this. Mr. Foster said he'd be happy if we could show him something within the next couple of months."

Brian looked up again, holding Ted's gaze for a moment before speaking. "Justin won't be here," he stated without a trace of emotion. "He's moving to L.A. Put Jeffries on it."

Ted nodded slowly, acknowledging the instruction, but his mind was still reeling from the first half of the statement. "Justin's moving to L.A.?" he couldn't help asking. "For how long?"

Brian went back to the pretense of studying the papers in his hand while he answered. "He's been offered a job on the movie. Six months or so." He shuffled the papers into a neat stack, deposited them on the corner of his desk and picked up another sheaf. "Of course, that could lead to other opportunities down the road." He glanced up at Ted again, one eyebrow raised. "So it would be in our best interests not to rely too heavily on Justin's artistic talents from this point forward."

Ted stood gaping as Brian turned his attention once again to the contracts on his desk. The words had been delivered with such apathy that it seemed strange, even for Brian Kinney.

"But what about …" Ted's voice trailed off as Brian's sharp gaze pierced him. "I mean, you and Justin…"

"Are professionals," Brian cut him off firmly. "We know enough to go where the money is. How many assistant art director jobs do you think he'll get here in Pittsburgh?"

He watched Ted's mouth open and close a few times, but nothing came out. "That's what I thought," he smirked. "Now, Theodore, if there's nothing else, I suggest you go find Jeffries and explain what Foster wants."

Ted knew the tone of voice well enough to realize that the discussion was over. With a brief nod, he turned and left the office.

Brian dropped the papers on his desk and sat back in his chair with a sigh. It hadn't been easy trying to keep up the façade while he'd told Ted. He had to struggle to keep his voice even when what he really wanted was to rail against the injustice of it all. Just when they'd finally started to make strides in their relationship, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity has to come up and throw everything into disarray. Just when Brian finally decides he wants Justin with him on a more permanent basis, his lover is lured off to sunny fucking California.

As he allowed himself a few moments to wallow in his unhappiness, he had to admit it wasn't Justin he was angry with. The man had fought damned hard to overcome so many obstacles. He'd worked his ass off to get his future back after what that asshole Hobbes had done to him. And now he was getting his chance to put it all to good use. A small smile touched his lips as he thought of how proud he was of his young lover.

And then the smile disappeared as he realized he wouldn't be his lover anymore. Brian had seen to that. He'd done the one thing he'd promised himself he'd never do after the whole Ian fiasco. He'd pushed Justin out of his life once again, taking away any choice the younger man should have had in the matter.

"Fuck," he breathed, getting to his feet to pace beside the desk. Had there really been a choice? Sure, he could have let Justin go off to L.A. and believe that he'd come back when the movie was done, but what if he got another offer while he was out there? If the artist thought he had a responsibility to return to Pittsburgh, to his life with Brian, he might be hesitant to take another job that would keep him away longer. He could possibly, in effect, stunt his career without even realizing he was doing it.

And Brian didn't want him to have to regret such a decision ten or twenty years down the road.

No, it was better this way. Justin should go to L.A. as a free agent. He should feel free to grab at any and all opportunities presented to him. How was he supposed to do that if he felt he had something or, in this case, someone waiting at home for his return? How could he possibly pour his heart into his work when part of that heart was being held captive in a loft in Pittsburgh?

Having convinced himself that he'd done the right thing, he settled back in his chair behind the desk. While he knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate on his work, he wasn't anxious to return home. He wasn't sure if it was because he was afraid Justin would still be there when he got there - or if he was afraid that he wouldn't.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Justin entered the apartment he shared with Daphne for the second time in as many hours. It occurred to him, briefly, that the last few years of his life had been spent flitting from one home to another. Somehow, he thought it shouldn't bother him anymore.

But it did.

Daphne watched as he silently made his way into the small room he occupied. After giving him a moment, she moved to stand in the doorway. "It didn't go well?" she prodded gently.

Justin turned to look at her, his blue eyes awash with pain. "He told me I couldn't move in," he said, struggling to keep his emotions in check. "He told me to go to L.A. and not look back. He said…" he had to swallow hard before he could continue. "He said we were through."

The desolation in his voice broke her heart and she moved to put her arms around him in a gesture of comfort. "I'm so sorry, Justin," she murmured, trying to think of some words of reassurance. "I'm sure he didn't mean it. He was probably just surprised."

He pulled away from her shaking his head sadly. "It doesn't matter why he said it or whether he meant it or not," he told her, his voice shaking. "I just can't do it anymore, Daph." He sat heavily on the edge of the bed and lowered his head in his hands. "I can't fight to be a part of his life anymore."

She didn't like the sound of that. "What are you saying, Justin?" she asked quietly.

He looked up at her with an expression so forlorn it took her breath away. "I'm just so tired," he whispered hoarsely. "Too tired."

She sat beside him on the bed and took one hand in hers. "You can't just give up," she scolded gently. "He means too much to you. You'd be miserable."

"I'm already miserable," he replied, choking on a harsh laugh. "All I ever wanted was for him to want me."

"He does, Justin," she tried to assure him.

He shook his head, his breath catching in his throat. "If he really cared, he wouldn't keep doing this to me," he whispered. "I know I hurt him when I left, Daph, but can't he see it hurts me just as much every time he throws me away?"

"I don't know," she replied, tears streaming down her cheeks for her friend's pain.

He leaned his head on her shoulder and fought to keep his own tears at bay. "I could never hurt him like that again," he murmured sadly. "But he just keeps doing it to me over and over." He was silent for a moment. "Is that love, Daph?"

She had no answer so she merely hugged him tight in response. When he'd drawn as much comfort from her embrace as he thought possible, he pulled away wearily. "Thanks," he offered, trying vainly for a smile. "But I think I just want to be alone for a while."

She nodded and kissed him gently on the cheek. "OK, try to get some rest. I've got a few errands to run."

He nodded as she got up and moved toward the door. "Can I get you anything while I'm out?" she asked, pausing in the doorway.

"No thanks," he replied sadly. Curling onto his side, facing the wall, he closed his eyes in an attempt to escape the emotional turmoil his life had become.

She watched him for a moment before closing the door quietly.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Brian was both relieved and disappointed when he found the loft empty. He was glad they wouldn't be forced to go through the whole thing again, but he already missed the young blond who'd become such an important part of his life. Convinced he was doing the right thing by his lover, he headed for the computer in an attempt to take his mind off how lonely the loft felt.

He'd been aimlessly skimming through email messages when the buzzer sounded. For a minute he debated not answering. He didn't really want to talk to anyone at the moment, but when it became apparent that the visitor wasn't going away anytime soon, he made his way to the intercom.

"What?" he demanded into the small microphone.

"I need to talk to you," came a female voice through the speaker.

He leaned his forehead against the wall and breathed a loud sigh. Just what he needed at the moment - Justin's own personal crusader. "I don't have anything to say," he informed her coolly.

"Too fucking bad," she shot back. "I do. And I'm not going anywhere until you find the balls to open this fucking door."

Slightly surprised at the language, he considered his options. Unfortunately, she was just tenacious enough to park herself out there until he left the loft or she died of dehydration or hypothermia. Breathing another sigh, he pushed the button to grant her access to the outside door.

She rounded the landing a moment later, her expression grim.

"What can I do for you?" he smiled wryly.

"Cut the bullshit," she informed him flatly. "I just have a few things to say and then I'll be gone."

"Promises, promises," he muttered as she pushed her way past him into the loft.

Once he'd closed the door, she whirled to face him. "I just had to tell you to your face what a fucking pathetic coward I think you are," she seethed.

He raised one cocky eyebrow, but his expression remained impassive as she continued her rant. "How can you do this to him?" she demanded. "He loves you, though at the moment I can't imagine why, and yet you hurt him every chance you get! Do you derive some sort of perverse pleasure from tearing him apart?"

Her anger grew as he refused to answer. Taking a step closer to him, she glared into his expressionless features. "After all the shit I've gone through with Justin because of you, I think I deserve an answer."

He considered the best approach and finally shrugged. "He got a job in L.A. How is that my fault?"

As he tried to turn away, she planted herself in front of him. "This isn't about the fucking job and you know it, Brian. It's about how you can begrudge him this opportunity when you claim to care about him!"

"I'm begrudging him nothing," he stated evenly. "In fact, I wholly support him taking the job."

"And if he does, he's out of your life?" she demanded incredulously. "How fucked is that?"

He took a deep breath and tried to retain his patience. "Look," he began, his voice slightly softer. "This is a great chance for him. One that's not likely to come along again. Don't you think, once he's out there and they see what he can do, that he might get other offers? Did it ever occur to you that this six month stint could turn into a life-long career? One that would allow him to use the talent he's fought so hard to develop?"

His words surprised her and she found herself without a ready comeback.

He continued, his tone quieter but his expression belying his own pain. "Do you think he'd take that chance if he thought I was here waiting for him to come back?"

Knowing how much Justin loved him, she wasn't sure she could answer that, so she asked her own question instead. "Tell me, Brian, did your work suffer at all after Justin left you for Ethan?"

His eyes narrowed slightly at her audacity but he didn't reply.

"Do you honestly think he's going to be able to do his best work leaving like this?" she pressed.

When she still received no response, she opted for a change of tactic.

"Do you remember how much it hurt when you lost him?" She saw the shutters lower over his eyes, hiding whatever he was feeling, but it didn't deter her. "Well, now, multiply that by three and you'll see where Justin is right now."

He smirked. "By three, huh?"

She nodded. "He left you once, you've thrown him out three times now, and every time, you've ripped out a piece of his heart." She searched his eyes for some sort of acceptance of her words, but seeing nothing but the Kinney cool, she shook her head sadly. "I was always your biggest supporter," she said quietly. "When everyone else thought he was making the biggest mistake of his life, I was in your corner, cheering you on." She allowed a moment for her words to register. "Now I can honestly say I wish he'd never laid eyes on you."

Without another word, she stormed through the still open doorway.

Return to Going or Staying