Going or Staying

Chapter 17

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When the taxi pulled up in front of Keller's mansion, Justin's face paled considerably.

"You OK?" Brian asked, reaching to give his hand a squeeze.

"I guess it just seems more real, now," he said quietly. "People died here, Brian."

"Want me to go in and get your things?"

Justin shook his head after a moment's hesitation. "I'll go," he said. "Will you come with me?"

Brian was a little surprised at the question since he had no intention of letting his lover go into the house alone.

Once they gave their names to a uniformed officer at the door, they were allowed entrance but had to wait in the foyer until a detective approached and escorted them to the room Justin had been using. They had to pass the doors to the balcony and both men tensed as they saw large spots of what could only be blood on the hallway carpet.

"Jesus," Brian breathed, the images invoking others he'd tried hard to suppress. Justin silently took his hand and squeezed it tight, virtually pulling his lover toward the room down the hall.

The detective waited just outside the open door while Justin hurriedly grabbed his clothing and stuffed it into his duffel. Brian got his toiletries from the adjoining bathroom and in minutes, all traces of Justin Taylor were gone from the room.

Thankfully they'd asked the taxi to wait since neither man wanted to spend a minute longer in the house than they had to.

"I wonder if he'll still live here," Justin mused thoughtfully as he slid his bag into the back seat before crawling in beside it.

Brian slid in beside him. "I don't know," he said with a shrug. The site of the blood had affected him more than he'd anticipated and had reminded him that it could have been Justin's once again.

"I couldn't," Justin said quietly.

Brian took his hand and raised it to his lips, kissing the slightly trembling fingers. "Me neither," he whispered.

They were both silent as the taxi transported them back to the hotel. Brian was thinking about everything Justin had said. He'd realized how much he wanted the blond with him and knew that it was up to him to convince Justin of that.

When they walked into the lobby, the concierge noticed them right off and flashed a winning smile, his eyes discreetly traveling up and down Brian's denim-clad form. Justin felt a tightening in his gut when he noticed Brian returning the smile out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm expecting a fax from Cynthia," Brian informed the blond suddenly. "Why don't you go on up to the room and put your stuff away. I'll be there in a minute."

"Sure," Justin replied in a flat tone as he looked at the handsome man behind the desk and then back to Brian. "Take your time."

Rolling his eyes in response to Brian's smirk, he turned and headed for the bank of elevators.

Once in the room, he proceeded to put his things away in the available drawers, all the while fuming at Brian's blatant disregard for his feelings. While neither had insisted on monogamy in their relationship, they had agreed to being discreet and, to Justin, that meant not picking up tricks while they were together. Had things changed because Justin hadn't jumped at Brian's offer to live together?

Before he had a chance to get his mind around the thought, the door to the suite opened and Brian entered.

"That was quick," Justin quipped bitterly. "Was he that good? Or that bad?"

Brian considered letting the younger man continue to think he'd fucked the concierge, but realized it might not be a good idea given the already tentative state of their relationship. "I asked him a couple of questions, that's all."

Justin turned, distractedly folding and unfolding the t-shirt in his hands. "What questions?" he asked warily.

"About where to look online for apartments in L.A.," Brian answered, unable to hide a small smile. It wasn't entirely true, of course. Brian didn't need help in finding an online real estate site. He did, however, want the desk to know he was expecting an important delivery and what to do when it arrived.

"Really?" Justin's eyes widened slightly. "You want to look for an apartment while you're here?"

"Well I sure as hell don't want you staying with Keller when you come back," he replied scornfully. "And if I'm going to be visiting, I at least want to know what I'm letting myself in for."

Justin's excitement caused him to drop the t-shirt and hurry to where his lover stood, throwing his arms around the smiling man's neck. "Brett said there's a building not far from the studio that has a vacancy coming up. Do you think we could check it out? It's supposed to be really nice but still affordable."

"And why does such a prime piece of real estate suddenly have an upcoming vacancy?" Brian questioned, suspicion evident in his voice.

Justin rolled his eyes. "This is Hollywood, Brian. People come and go. Anyway, the guy's going to be out of the country for close to a year and Brett thinks he'll sublet it to me for the time I'm out here."

"So it's not permanent," Brian mused without thinking.

"Of course not," Justin said with a frown, pulling back slightly. "Why would I want a permanent place to live when the job is temporary?"

Brian shrugged. "You might get another job when this one's done."

"I have another job when this one's done," Justin informed him quietly.

"Oh?" The raised eyebrow spoke of skepticism.

"I'm going back to school, I'm going to get my degree and then I'll decide what field I want to work in."

Brian remembered how hard he'd pushed to get his lover to go back to school, even going so far as to incorporate it into a wager. "If you're doing that for me, you can just…"

"I'm not," he cut the words off in a quiet but firm voice. "I'm doing it for me. I am going back to Pittsburgh when this is all done, Brian, but not just because of you. My family's there. Mom, Molly, Debbie." He paused. "Of course, knowing I was going back to you would be an incredible bonus, but I will be going back regardless."

"So now I'm just a bonus, huh?" Brian smirked, Justin's words pleasing him more than he wanted to let on.

"More or less," Justin teased, knowing he didn't need to explain how important Brian was to him.

Brian kissed him deeply, letting the younger man know he understood what was being said. When their mouths separated, he pressed his forehead to Justin's in the way that had become a gesture of intimacy between them. "So, do you have the address of this fabulous apartment?"

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Unlike the time spent at Keller's, checking out the prospective apartment proved to be a pleasant experience. The owner was a man named Jarod Kingsley and both Brian and Justin liked him from the start. Brian had called the number Justin had and Jarod had met them in the lobby, pointing out the various safety features as they made their way up to the 2nd floor apartment. It was spacious and tastefully decorated and Brian felt it was the perfect place for Justin during his stay.

"I like it," Justin smiled, looking to Brian for his opinion.

Brian shrugged. "It's not bad."

Justin rolled his eyes at Jarod. "That's a compliment in Kinney-speak," he explained in a stage whisper.

Jarod laughed. "I'm glad. Brett told me nothing but good things about you, Justin. I'd rather sublet to someone I can trust than take a chance with strangers."

Justin nodded. "I'd probably need it for six months or so."

"Not a problem. I'll be gone at least ten, maybe more if things go well."

Justin nodded and turned to face Brian. "I'm gonna take it," he said, smiling.

"You'd be crazy not to," Brian informed him. Addressing the other man, he asked, "When can he move in?"

"I leave next Monday," Jarod replied.

"That's perfect, Brian," Justin gushed, his excitement building. "I don't have to be down here for another week after that."

"Well, it sounds to me like you have yourself an apartment, Sunshine," he grinned.

"Great," Jarod beamed. Crossing to a small desk in the corner, he retrieved a set of keys and handed them to Justin. "One for the lobby, one for the apartment, and one for the storage room downstairs."

"Does anyone else have a key to this place?" Brian asked, concerned.

"Not a soul," Jarod assured them. "You can change the alarm code to whatever you like and I'll make sure the company that monitors it knows there'll be a new tenant." He looked around the apartment. "Pretty much everything you see here is staying," he said. "There's a supply of linens in the closet, or you can bring your own if you'd prefer. Other than that, you should be all set." He pulled out a business card case and handed one to Justin. "Give me a call when you know the date you'll be arriving and I'll arrange to have the cleaning service come in the day before."

"Cleaning service?" Justin asked, unable to keep the smile from his face.

"Once a week," Jarod elaborated, amused by Justin's obvious enthusiasm. "You can cancel it if you don't think you'll need it."

"Oh, he'll need at least that," Brian teased, leaning back just enough to avoid the swat his lover aimed in his direction.

Brian took out one of his own cards and handed it to Jarod. "You can have the contracts sent to this address. I'll have our attorney look them over and Justin can sign them and courier them back before you leave."

Jarod nodded, impressed with the man's attention to detail. "Fair enough," he said, taking the card and holding out his hand to Justin. "It was nice to meet you both."

"You, too," Justin smiled. "Thank you so much. This is going to work out perfectly."

"Yeah, thanks," Brian added along with a smile and handshake of his own. "You saved us a lot of legwork."

They said their goodbyes and the two men headed downstairs to get a taxi back to the hotel.

"I have an apartment," Justin exclaimed in excitement once they were outside.

Brian smiled fondly. It took so little to make him happy sometimes and he wondered why he didn't try to do it more often. "Yeah, you do," he said. "And one that I won't be embarrassed to visit you in. How about I take you to dinner to celebrate?"

They hopped into the first available taxi and asked the driver what he'd recommend as a decent restaurant that didn't have a strict dress code.

Justin leaned back in the seat once they were on their way, letting out a contented sigh. "A clean bill of health and a place to stay," he said. "I'd say it's been a productive day."

Brian studied the other man's eyes for a moment. "So far," he agreed enigmatically.

When Justin raised a questioning eyebrow, Brian only smiled and turned his attention to the view through the windshield.

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Dinner proved to be an enjoyable experience for both of them. They managed to steer clear of serious subject matter in their conversation, though it was still uppermost in both their minds. By the time they left the restaurant two hours later, they were both looking forward to getting back to the privacy of their hotel room.

When they entered the suite, Justin headed straight for the bathroom, a result of the three glasses of wine he'd had with dinner.

While washing his hands, he heard the door to the suite close and returned to find his lover putting something into the drawer of the nightstand. He walked over and slid his arms around the trim waist from behind, standing on his toes to rest his chin on the other man's shoulder. "Supplies for later?" he purred, turning his head just enough so that his warm breath washed over Brian's ear.

"Mmmmm," was Brian's initial response. "You might say that."

"Was someone here?" Justin asked. "I heard the door."

"Nothing important," Brian brushed off the question. He didn't want Justin to know about the object that had been delivered just yet. "Especially compared to having the hottest assistant art director in L.A. all to myself."

Justin smiled and stepped back just enough for the other man to turn so that they were face to face. Brian's arms slipped around the lithe body of their own volition and he planted a gentle kiss on the waiting lips.

"Thank you," Justin murmured quietly.

"You're welcome," Brian smirked. "I've got plenty more where that came from."

"Asshole," the blond chuckled before his expression grew more serious. "I meant for everything you've done. Coming out here, staying with me through the nightmares, going with me to Brett's and to look at the apartment." He paused briefly, his gaze flitting back and forth between the hazel eyes. "You didn't have to do all that, especially the way I left…"

Brian quieted him with another kiss, then pulled back to look into his face. "I didn't exactly make it easy for you to leave any other way," he conceded.

Justin acknowledged those words with a barely-there nod and Brian saw the uncertainty he'd seen that morning flash through the expressive pools of blue.

"So, what happens now?" Justin asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"What do you want to happen?" was the question he got in response.

Justin considered his response for what seemed like hours before answering. "I want you to go home," he finally said. Brian's body stiffened slightly, though his face remained impassive. Justin's however, broke into a smile as he added. "With me."

Brian smirked, his body relaxing once again, even as he tightened his hold on the man in his arms. "I thought this was your home for the next six months or so," he challenged.

"This is where my job is, and it doesn't start for another two weeks or so," Justin reminded him. "Even then, my home will still be a loft in Pittsburgh, with a cranky ad exec who's too stubborn for his own good most of the time."

Brian chuckled at the description, fully aware that he couldn't truthfully deny it. "Oh really?" he mused. "If this guy's so cranky and so stubborn, why would you want to be with him?"

The tone was light in keeping with the playful banter, but Justin knew there was a real question hidden beneath the fun, even if Brian didn't fully realize it himself. "Because," he said softly, studying the hazel eyes, "he drops everything to fly across the country for me and worries about my safety and remembers exactly what I like to order from room service."

"Sounds like a real prince." Though he was trying for flippant, it was obvious by the timbre of Brian's voice that Justin's words had hit their mark.

"Sometimes," the blond agreed, reaching up to place a gentle kiss on the soft, waiting lips. "And sometimes he's a real asshole." He smiled at the look of surprise that flashed through Brian's eyes. "But even then, he's still the only man I've ever really wanted. The only man I've ever loved."

Brian swallowed the lump trying to form in his throat and pulled the other man to him, capturing his lips in a long, searing kiss. When they parted, Justin smiled up into the warm gaze he never tired of seeing. "And right now, that asshole prince of mine is about to fuck me into next week."

"Is that a fact?" Brian smiled, glad for the discreet change of topic.

"It is," Justin informed him with a small nod.

Brian searched the blue eyes for a moment. "One thing I need to know first," he said.

"What's that?" Justin asked.

"Why?"

When a confused frown was his only response, he knew he'd have to elaborate. "I heard what you said to Mikey in the hospital room. What changed?"

Justin pulled away then, taking a step back and breaking eye contact to consider his answer. After what seemed like an eternity, he looked back into the other man's face. "Nothing," he said quietly. When he saw the wariness creep into Brian's eyes, he shook his head slightly. "What happened at Brett's party and everything that's happened here since, it hasn't changed anything." He tried to swallow the lump threatening to form in his throat and went on. "We're still the same people we've always been. It still hurts that you'd rather push me away than share your life with me, and you're still going to want to do that at times. I'm still miserable when we're not together, and you're still a better person when we are." He paused for only a few seconds. "But most of all, I still love you more than anything else in my life." He took a shaky breath. "And that's why."

"And you're willing to take another chance on that?" Brian asked. "Knowing you'll never have a ring on your finger or a fancy legal certificate with our names on it?"

Justin shook his head slightly, stepping back into his lover's arms. "I don't need a ring on my finger," he said sincerely. "As for the certificate," he mused with a shrug. "I'm not saying a formal declaration of some kind wouldn't be nice somewhere down the road, but in the meantime I've already got what's most important."

Brian's heart swelled at the words. He hadn't promised the man anything except the present, yet it seemed to be enough. He was enough. It was a concept he wasn't familiar with and it touched him deeply that this incredible young man still wanted him after all that had happened.

"You know I don't believe in marriage," he felt the need to point out. "Not for me, not for us."

"I didn't say anything about marriage, Brian. Like I told Brett, we'd rather say I don't than I do. That way we know we're together because we want to be, not because we have to be."

Brian frowned slightly. "But you just said…"

"I said something formal might be nice someday," he reiterated. "It doesn't have to be a marriage license and it doesn't have to be today, or next week or next year." He smiled at the relief in the hazel orbs. "Now stop being so fucking anal about it and kiss me."

Finally, something he could commit to. Pulling his young lover's body close, he covered the waiting lips with his own and delivered the most toe-curling, soul-searing kiss he'd ever bestowed upon another human being.

Brian smiled warmly when they parted. "I hope this means we're partners again."

"No more pushing me away?" Justin asked, carefully watching the hazel eyes.

"I'll try to curb that particular tendency," Brian promised sincerely.

"I still want to take the movie job." He held his breath, unsure how that bit of news would be received.

"And I want you to," Brian assured him with a small smile. "You deserve it and even if I don't say it enough, I'm fucking proud of what you've done."

Justin beamed. "And you still want me to move into the loft?"

"I'll have a solid gold key made with your name on it, if that's what you want," Brian teased.

The blond cocked his head to one side as though considering the offer. "I'd probably just lose it," he grinned sheepishly. "It's enough just to know that you want me there."

"Always," Brian whispered, kissing the tip of his nose. When he pulled back, he looked into eyes bluer and brighter than he'd seen in weeks. "So, partners?"

"On one condition," Justin said seriously. When Brian's brow furrowed in question, he explained, "This partnership can only be terminated upon mutual agreement."

Brian's tongue played in his cheek. "You mean just saying you're not my partner won't make it so, huh?"

Justin shook his head, smiling. "And just telling a chubby doctor you're not mine won't either."

Brian laughed outright at that. "Do we need to draw up some sort of contract?" he teased.

"I think we can do better than that," Justin breathed, reaching up to brush his lips lightly against his lover's.

They undressed each other in silence, mouths only leaving each other when absolutely necessary. When at last they were both naked, Brian laid his lover on top of the dark comforter and took a moment to simply drink in the vision before him.

"Brian?" Justin whispered beginning to blush at the intent scrutiny. That single word seemed to bring Brian out of his revelry and he smiled slightly before joining the blond on the bed. Leaning over the smaller man, he stroked his cheek with one finger, searching the blue eyes before drawing the young man into a deep, thorough kiss. From there, he trailed his lips down the column of creamy skin of Justin's throat, nipping softly at the juncture of neck and shoulder.

Justin moaned quietly, closing his eyes at sensation the man was eliciting with his ministrations. Soft, warm lips moved from his shoulder down to his chest, slowly making their way toward one rosy nipple where they gently suckled it to a hard peak before moving on to lavish the same attention on the other.

Allowing Justin's soft whimpers to encourage him, Brian continued making love to the creamy skin with his mouth. His tongue tracked a path down the blond's flat stomach to his navel, slowly circling the perimeter before dipping into the shallow hole. He felt Justin's muscles ripple beneath his touch and decided it was time to move on.

Continuing his downward journey, he buried his nose in the dark blond curls and inhaled deeply, wanting to draw his lover's intoxicating scent into his very soul.

There was something incredibly intimate about that particular act and Justin couldn't suppress a small whimper as his desire escalated to new heights. "Brian," he breathed on a gasp.

Hazel eyes flitted briefly to meet blue before lowering once again to revel in the sight of the blond's cock, already hard and leaking, a display rivaling anything currently known to man in its sheer beauty.

Wanting to pay it proper homage, he started at the base and worked his way toward the head, covering every inch of heated skin with soft, gentle kisses.

"You're killing me here," Justin panted. "Please, Brian."

Brian smiled slightly, but refused to abandon his task until he reached the glistening, red tip. Pursing his lips, he blew softly on the head, delighting in the shiver that ran through his lover's body as warm breath met the escaping drops of moisture. When his tongue reached out to lap the clear beads from the crown, Justin's back arched in a wave of pleasure.

"Brian, please," the writhing man gasped again. "I can't…"

Before he had a chance to finish the thought, Brian's mouth opened to engulf him fully. His lips stroked along the hard length while his tongue danced provocatively around the head causing Justin's hips to buck in response. Using both hands to hold the young man still, Brian intensified his efforts, alternating between sucking the head and stroking the solid length until Justin's pleas dissolved into incoherent moans of pure need.

Releasing the hard shaft from his mouth, he reached over to get the lube and condom from the night stand. Brian proceeded to prepare them both, Justin's hands following every movement as they rested lightly on his wrists. Through it all, their eyes never left those of the other, the silent exchange conveying what words could not.

After rolling the condom onto his aching dick and coating it with lube, Brian pressed one slick finger slowly into his lover's waiting hole. Justin's light grasp on his wrist only added to the eroticism of the moment and he broke eye contact with his partner briefly to watch the shared motion. When he raised his gaze once again to meet his lover's, the depth of feeling he saw in the darkened pools of blue caused his breath to catch in his throat. He found himself hoping that Justin, too, was seeing something as he gazed into his own hazel depths. The sweet smile that suddenly graced the blond's face was his answer and he couldn't help offering one of his own in response.

Once he'd prepared his lover sufficiently, he withdrew his fingers and slowly raised the younger man's legs to rest on his shoulders. Leaning forward, he captured the waiting lips with his own in a slow, deep kiss before pulling back to look down into the flushed face. Slowly, he positioned his cock at the waiting hole and began to press inward, watching the changes in his lover's expression as he was slowly filled. Once he was fully embedded, he leaned in for another kiss before beginning to withdraw at the same maddeningly slow pace.

"More," Justin gasped. "I need more."

Brian was struggling with his own control as the tight muscle gripped the head of his aching shaft. "So good, " he breathed between clenched teeth. Part of him wanted to drive deep into his young lover, to pound into the willing flesh until they were both insensate, but another, bigger part wanted it to last. Calling on every ouce of willpower he possessed, he kept the pace slow as he pushed once again into the warm body beneath him.

Feeling a sudden need for even more connection between them, he reached for the hands fisted tightly in the comforter and took them in his. Justin's fingers twined around his, grasping tightly and Brian squeezed in response as he slowly withdrew his long cock until just the head remained inside. Justin's grasp on his hands lessened, then tightened again as he pushed just as slowly back in.

"Brian," he gasped, his head thrashing, his fingers clenching around their mates. "Brian, I can't."

Brian ceased his movements, leaving his cock embedded to the hilt, and pulled his partner up by the arms until he was on his knees, straddling the larger man's thighs. Freeing his hands, Brian wrapped strong arms around his lover, stroking his back in soothing circles. "It's okay," he whispered. "Breathe deep. Relax."

Justin clung to the other man, his face buried in the crook of the brunette's neck while he struggled for control. He could feel his lover's shaft buried deep within him and clenched his ass reflexively causing them both to moan.

Brian moved his hands to grasp the lean hips and bent his head to kiss one sweat-slicked shoulder. "Ready?" he asked.

Justin took a deep breath and nodded, straightening to look into the passion-filled hazel eyes. Bracing his hands on the other man's shoulders, he nodded again. "Yeah."

Brian kissed him gently, then tightened his hold on his lover's hips, raising him with the aid of the other man's strong thighs. Holding him there briefly, he then pulled him back down, his cock reaching new depths inside the smaller body.

Justin could only groan and throw his head back, his fingers digging into the flesh of his lover's shoulders. Again, he felt himself being lifted, felt the man's rock-hard shaft graze the sensitive nub inside and then he was teetering on the brink, in limbo as Brian held him steady for what seemed like long agonizing minutes before pulling him back down and filling him once again.

"Oh, God," he moaned as the torturously slow pace continued.

Brian felt his own need building and could tell by Justin's ragged breathing that he, too, was close to the edge. His choices were clear. He could increase the pace, thrusting into the warm depths of his lover until they both screamed out in much-needed relief, or he could stretch it out - make it last until they were both mindless with need.

Making a conscious decision, he gripped Justin's hips tighter and held him in place, his own movements stilling.

"Brian," the younger man whimpered. "God, I was so close."

"I know," Brian rasped, his own desire making speech difficult. "Not yet, okay? Stay with me, Sunshine."

Justin's breath hitched in his throat. "I'll try," was all he could manage.

Brian stroked his back with one hand while the other held firmly to the lean hip. He alternated between planting light kisses on his lover's flushed face and whispering soft words of encouragement into his ear. When they'd both managed to retreat a safe distance from the point of no return, he started all over again.

He used his hands to coax Justin up and down his throbbing cock, thrusting his hips to meet each downward movement of the body atop him. Occasionally, he'd allow one hand to stray across the smooth chest of the other man, fingertips raking over the sensitive, dusky nubs there until Justin began to whimper helplessly beneath the onslaught. Each time they reached the brink, he'd stop, giving them each a chance to catch their breath and revel in the incredible feelings building within them before beginning the slow, tortuous journey once again.

Time after time, Brian brought them both to the edge, then stilled all movement, whispering sweet words of comfort in his lover's ear and brushing his lips tenderly over the fevered flesh.

Justin had never experienced anything so painfully pleasurable in his entire life. Over and over he approached the ultimate pinnacle of desire, only to be coaxed slowly back by Brian's soft voice and tender touches. He was no longer aware of anything but the man he clung so desperately to, the man who was determined to wring every drop of feeling from him and then replace it with more love and emotion than he thought his soul could contain. When they moved, it was intense and utter pleasure, and when they were still, it was bliss in its purest form, their hearts reaching out to one another, loving, promising, healing.

"So ..." Justin gasped, straining against the physical need for release. "So ...good, ...Brian."

The wonder in that husky voice sent a renewed wave of ardor through the brunette and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. "Justin," he ground out through clenched teeth. He wrapped his arms tightly around the lithe form of the other man and pulled him close, ensuring that every movement caused Justin's weeping shaft to rub between their sweat-slicked bodies. He thrust his hips upward, grinding and twisting just enough to stroke the other man's prostate over and over.

"Brian!" Justin sobbed, clinging tightly to his partner, his arms wrapped around the other man's neck while tears escaped his closed eyes.

Brian felt the younger man's seed spurting between them and it was all that was needed to send him soaring over the edge, holding his lover close to him while wave after wave of sheer ecstasy crashed over their joined bodies and filled their equally entwined hearts even as his own release filled the condom.

For long moments they stayed that way, clutching one another as though to let go would mean to let go of life itself. Gradually, breathing began to slow and shudders turned to the sweet tremors of satisfaction. Brian kissed the younger man's shoulder gently. "You okay?" he asked softly.

Justin could only nod against his lover's neck as he tried to gain control of the powerful emotions coursing through him.

Brian stroked the blond's sweat-soaked hair and kissed one flushed cheek.

"I can't even describe it," Justin whispered in awe. "That was ..."

"Yeah," Brian agreed, knowing what they'd just shared defied words.

Justin raised his head to look into his lover's eyes and Brian kissed him long and deep. When the kiss ended, Brian retrieved a warm wash cloth from the bathroom and they cleaned themselves up before resuming their embrace under the covers.

Justin was uncharacteristically silent for a long time. Brian knew the younger man was still awake, but the usual after-sex talking he liked to do was absent.

"You sure you're OK?" he asked quietly.

Justin only nodded slowly, still unable or unwilling to voice his thoughts aloud.

Growing more concerned, Brian tipped his lover's chin up until he could look into his eyes. The sadness he saw there only caused him to worry more. "What?" he asked.

Justin hesitated while he thought about how he could explain what he was feeling. "When I came out here," he finally began. "I really thought it was over, Brian. Since the night we met, even when I was with Ethan, I never really believed it was over between us until I got on that plane to come here."

Brian swallowed but didn't say anything, sensing the other man's need to get some things out, however painful for both of them.

"I hated myself for not being stronger," the blond admitted. "It was like that thing with Cody all over again. When I first met him, I hated myself for being too afraid to do anything about Hobbes and when I decided to come out here early, I hated myself for being too weak to fight for what we had."

"You weren't weak," Brian assured him, stroking his cheek gently. "I shouldn't have said what I did. Jesus, Justin, you're the only one who does fight for us most of the time."

"Not this time," Justin said quietly. "I wasn't coming back, Brian. It was all just too much. I wasn't going to make the first move." His eyes met Brian's and he added, "And I know you wouldn't have either if you hadn't thought I was dead."

Brian couldn't argue that. He hadn't planned on flying out to California until he'd heard about the shooting. Of course, as time went on, he might have changed his mind.

Or he might have held tight to his stubborn pride and they both would have been miserable for the next six months.

"Regardless of the reason, I'm glad I came," Brian offered, hoping that would count for something.

Justin smiled slightly. "Me too," he admitted. "Think of what we would have missed if you hadn't." His mind traveled over their most recent sexual encounter. "You've never fucked me quite like that before," he mused.

Brian huffed. "I've never fucked anybody like that before," he admitted. Staring into the blue eyes, he felt compelled to add in a soft voice, "Then again, tonight was about more than fucking."

Justin felt the lump form in his throat at the words. He'd realized long ago that the times they made love were steadily increasing over the times they just down and dirty fucked, but he hadn't known if Brian had accepted the difference. "Yeah," he whispered.

Brian let out the breath he'd been holding. He'd come this far and he was still standing, so to speak, he might as well come out and say what he needed to say. He wasn't big on apologies, but that didn't mean he didn't feel regret, even when he tried to hide it. "I should have congratulated you on your job," he admitted sincerely. "I was an asshole. You've worked hard and you deserve this."

"Thanks," Justin replied with a smile. "That means a lot."

"And I …" Brian swallowed. "I lied when I said I didn't want you to look back."

"Really?" Justin asked gently.

Brian nodded slowly. "I don't think I would have if that New York job hadn't fallen through three years ago," he admitted. "But when I had the chance to start over… I chose to do it in Pittsburgh so I wouldn't have to live up to my own credo."

Justin knew how much it took for Brian to admit that and he couldn't resist depositing a soft kiss on the other man's lips. "Wouldn't have mattered," he murmured. "You would have been a fucking success anywhere."

Brian smiled a little, remembering when he'd spoken those same words to Daphne. "Yeah, I know."

The comment served to lighten the mood and Justin smiled, knowing there was only so much emotional cleanup they could handle at one time. Still, there was one thing he really needed to know. "Are you sure?" he asked. "About me moving in, I mean. I need you to be really sure, Brian. I can't go through that again. I won't."

After a brief silence, Brian turned and reached into the nightstand drawer. Pulling out a small box, he handed it to Justin without a word.

Propping himself up on one elbow, Justin studied the box with a hint of apprehension before looking up into Brian's eyes. "What is this?" he whispered.

"The answer to your question," Brian replied, nodding at the box. "Open it."

Pushing himself up slowly, Justin sat staring at the object in his hand for a long moment before opening it. Inside, nestled in a bed of black velvet was a stylish watch.

"Oh my god, Brian," he gasped. "A Rolex?"

Brian nodded, smiling. "What else would Hollywood's newest assistant art director be wearing?" he teased.

Justin studied the exquisite piece, turning it over and swallowing the lump in his throat as he read his name and the loft's address and phone number inscribed on the back. "It's perfect," he whispered. "Thank you."

"I wanted to get you something to celebrate your new job," Brian explained. "But I also ordered something for me."

"Really?" Justin asked. "What?"

"A pendant with your name, address and every single fucking thing you're allergic to engraved on it." He raised an eyebrow. "And in the event you decide to attend another fucking party without your wallet, you'd damned well better be wearing it."

Justin offered a suitably contrite smile accompanied by a nod. Though Brian's words might sound harsh to anyone else, he heard what was really being said. He'd been scared he'd lost Justin and he didn't want to go through that again.

Justin would wear a fucking billboard around his neck if he could avoid seeing that haunted look in his lover's eyes again. "I promise," he whispered.

Brian placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "No more cases of mistaken identity," he said quietly. Trailing one finger over the address inscribed on the back of the watch, he added, "And no more wondering where you belong." He saw the tears threatening to fall and tried to lighten the mood. "After all, you can't argue with something that's engraved in platinum."

"No," Justin murmured, nuzzling the brunette's jaw. "Don't suppose you can."

Brian closed his eyes to revel in the sensations his lover's lips were creating. "So, you gonna fuck me or what?"

Justin looked up, trying to rein in the smile that threatened to split his face wide open. "Yeah," he whispered. "I'm gonna fuck you."

"Then get to it already," Brian smirked, rolling onto his stomach. "And after you have your wicked way with me, we'll go online and book the first flight home."

Home. The word held new meaning for Justin and the blinding smile he'd been trying to hold back finally broke through. "Sounds good to me."

THE END

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