Going or Staying

Chapter 16

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Breakfast was at a trendy, upscale restaurant where Brian could have sworn Justin ate at least his body weight in various foods. As he watched his young lover pack it away, he couldn't keep his mind from playing over the morning's conversation. Justin loved him, he didn't doubt that for a second, but he was understandably reluctant to set himself up for another disappointment.

"What?" Justin asked with a slight frown as he caught the other man watching him with a strange expression on his face.

"Nothing," Brian brushed it off, shaking his head slightly. "Just thinking."

And there it was. That fleeting look of dread in those damnable blue eyes. It was the look of someone used to expecting every good thing in his life to be snatched away at any moment. The look of someone who was standing on a shifting precipice, awaiting the moment when the earth would give way beneath him.

The look of someone who was never really sure what he had or how long he'd have it.

"It's nothing," Brian repeated, his tone a little harsher than he'd intended. He wasn't angry with Justin, but he was angry at every person and every circumstance that had combined to put that look in his eyes. "It's nothing," he said, more gently.

Justin's relief at hearing the words was tempered with concern at his lover's hard expression. "Ok," he said slowly.

He doesn't really believe it, Brian thought, but then why should he? Everyone and everything he'd ever believed in had let him down. His father, the school district that looked the other way while Chris Hobbes' hatred brewed, the justice system that told him his life was only worth a few fucking hours community service. In the last few years, his talent had been jeopardized, his trust shattered, his integrity called into question and his heart broken more than once by Brian himself.

He'd gone from living at his parents' home to Brian's, to Deb's, to Jen's, back to Brian's, to Ian's or whateverthefuck, and now Daphne's.

What about Justin's? Would there ever be a place that felt like a permanent home to him?

"Brian, you're starting to freak me out," Justin said, irritation evident in his voice. "Either tell me what the hell is bugging you or knock it off."

He hadn't realized he'd been staring at the man across from him as the thoughts ran through his head. Blinking once, he forced a small smile. "Nothing's bugging me," he said once again.

It was obvious Justin didn't believe him, but Brian knew there was nothing he could do to change his mind short of just trying to act casual. "You done here?" he asked the blond with a teasing smirk. "Or do you want me to see if they have another couple of pigs back in the kitchen they can slaughter and fry up for you?"

Justin wrinkled his nose at the disgusting image, but couldn't help an amused grin. He'd seen the brief look of horror flash through his lover's eyes when he'd seen the bacon and sausage piled high on the blond's plate alongside eggs, hashbrowns and pancakes. "No, I'm done," he answered, wiping his mouth with his napkin.

"Then let's go." After putting enough cash on the table to cover the bill, Brian got to his feet and waited for Justin to join him. His lips twitched only slightly as the blond gingerly touched his full stomach. "Need to work some of that off?" he asked in a playfully seductive tone.

"You offering?" Justin countered.

Brian smirked, knowing damned well Justin was too full to even contemplate sex. "Yeah, right," he scoffed. "It was bad enough having to watch it all go down, I'm not looking to see it come back up."

"Gross," Justin grimaced.

"Exactly." Throwing one arm casually over the smaller man's shoulders, Brian steered them toward the door.

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When they left the restaurant, they went to the hospital, upon Justin's insistence, to visit Brett. "The man was shot, Brian," Justin reminded him. "I was a guest at his house. The least I can do is visit him while he's in the hospital."

"But I've already seen him," Brian countered, sounding almost petulant. "He looked fine to me."

Justin shook his head but couldn't contain a small smile. "Look, I'll be ten minutes, tops. If you don't want to go in, you can wait in the hall. Maybe you'll find a hot orderly you can fuck in the supply room."

"Better give me at least twenty minutes, in that case," Brian quipped as he hailed a taxi to take them to the hospital.

In the corridor outside of Brett's room, Justin turned to his lover and nodded toward a small alcove where a coffee machine stood flanked by four padded chairs. "Meet me out here in twenty minutes?" he asked. Brian saw the skeptical look in his eyes and knew Justin was wondering if he'd be left waiting much longer than their agreed upon time.

"Ten would be better," he said casually. "You know how I feel about hospital coffee."

Justin had to fight back the smile, hearing exactly what Brian was telling him. He wouldn't be trolling the hallways for good-looking orderlies; he'd just be waiting. "Ten it is," he said, trying to match Brian's nonchalant tone and receiving an amused smirk in response, letting him know Brian was just as on to him. Rolling his eyes in feigned exasperation, he pushed open the door to Brett's room.

When he returned close to fifteen minutes later, it was to find Brian waiting for him just as agreed.

"So?" the brunette asked, getting to his feet. "How is he?"

"Sore," Justin answered, "but otherwise OK, I guess. He said his place is still technically considered a crime scene, but if I go over there, the cops will let me in to get my stuff."

"Sounds like a plan," Brian nodded as they started toward the elevator.

Dr. Carstairs was exiting another patient's room and was surprised and a little alarmed to see the two men walking toward him. "Mr. Taylor," he said with a slightly concerned smile. "I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow."

"We were visiting another patient," Justin replied, returning the smile. Touching Brian's arm, he added, "You remember my … friend, Brian Kinney."

Brian's jaw tightened slightly at the label, but he didn't comment.

"Mr. Kinney," the doctor greeted him with a nod and a smile. "Good to see you again." The tension he'd noticed between the two the last time he'd seen them was different, but it was still there. He turned to Justin. "While you're here, do you want me to give you the once over? Maybe save yourself a trip?"

Justin shrugged. "I feel fine."

Carstairs motioned them toward an empty room anyway. "No headaches?" he asked as they walked.

"A couple yesterday," Justin answered as he sat on the edge of an unoccupied bed. "Mostly just when I was … upset," he finished tactfully.

"He means when he was screaming at me like a banshee," Brian clarified. "The boy has quite the temper, doc."

He had to resist the urge to stick out his tongue at the other man but the doctor only chuckled. "What about when you're not scre… upset," he amended as Justin shot him an uncharacteristically sharp look. "Are they bad? Sharp? Nagging?"

Justin relented, knowing the questions were for his own good. "I had some sharper pain yesterday," he admitted, "right here." He touched the area that still had a bit of a lump.

"Some pain at the sight of impact isn't unusal," Carstairs assured him. "It should dissipate as the area heals. Anything else?"

Justin thought back. "Other than the occasional sharp stabs it was just a throbbing really."

"How about now?"

"Haven't had anything today," Justin replied with a shrug.

"Any physical exertion?"

"Huh?" Justin asked, squinting slightly in confusion.

"The doctor wants to know if you've been taking it easy," Brian clarified, feigning helpfulness. "Like a good little patient."

Justin gave him a dirty look and Carstairs shook his head in amusement.

"You said the headaches were worse when you were upset," the doctor reminded him, "when your heart rate was no doubt considerably higher than the norm. Were there any other instances when this might have been the case?"

Brian had to stifle a laugh as Justin's face flushed pink. "Uh… yeah…"

"Yesterday? Today?"

The colour in Justin's face deepened. "Both," he said in a voice roughened by embarrassment.

Given how uncomfortable the questions were making his patient, it wasn't difficult to discern the nature of the physical activities involved. While he didn't want to add to the man's obvious embarrassment, he did want to make sure there was no cause for further concern.

"Any headache during those times?" he asked as clinically as possible.

"No, nothing," Justin assured him.

Carstairs nodded and took a penlight out of his pocket. He examined Justin's eyes carefully, then set the light down and placed his hands on either side of the blond's face. He turned the head slowly from side to side, asking if there was any neck pain.

Justin recognized the regimen as the same one they'd gone through before he'd been released and was ready for the questions, answering each in the negative. When the examination was complete what seemed like ages later, the doctor stepped back. "Well, Mr. Taylor, I see no lingering effects from your injury. You can be thankful it was as minor as it was."

Justin nodded in agreement and reached out to shake the doctor's hand. "Thanks," he said with a small smile as he got to his feet.

Returning both the smile and the handshake, Carstairs nodded. Then, turning to Brian, he shook the other man's hand as well. "Try to keep this one out of trouble, will you?" he teased.

"Easier said than done," Brian answered with a smirk. "Thanks, doc."

"Well, that's out of the way," Justin said, once they were alone. "Now what?"

Brian closed the distance between them and slipped his arms around his lover's waist. He pressed their foreheads together and looked into the blue eyes. "Maybe now we can go home."

Justin swallowed hard. "I … I'm not sure what that means," he admitted reluctantly.

"It means, the offer's back on the table," he replied sincerely. "I want the loft to be your home, if that's what you want."

Justin pulled out of his arms and moved a few steps away. "Brian," he sighed unhappily before turning to face the man once again. "You know I want that more than anything."

"But?" Brian prodded.

"But I'm not sure it's what you really want."

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it," Brian replied.

Justin sighed. "I know you meant it when you said you want us to live together, but to me that means more than just sharing a home, it means sharing our lives, the good and the bad." He paused a moment. "And I don't want to move in with you until you're sure that you want that."

It was as simple as that. Justin still wanted to be with him, but he wasn't willing to give Brian the opportunity to throw him out again. Strangely enough, it didn't feel like he was being presented with an ultimatum. He didn't feel as though Justin was trying to force him into making a commitment. He was merely doing what Brian had always encouraged him to do - standing up for himself.

"So can we just keep things the way they are for now?" Justin suggested with a voice that conveyed more sadness than he realized. "Until we're both sure?"

Brian stared at him for a moment. He knew he could tell Justin he was already sure, but that wouldn't allay the man's fears. Somehow, he had to make the blond believe it, really feel it, and that would require more than mere words. Until then, he'd just have to bide his time. "Yeah," he said quietly.

Justin let out the expectant breath he'd been holding. "Think we can go pick up my things now?"

With a silent nod, Brian led the way out of the empty hospital room.

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