Going or Staying

Chapter 15

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They'd spent the rest of the evening quietly in their room, eating, sleeping, and watching TV. There was little in the way of conversation between them and the silence bordered on the uncomfortable, but neither felt up to dealing with the alternative.

The instant Justin awoke the next morning, he knew he was alone in the bed. "Brian?" he called softly, listening for the sound of the shower and hearing nothing. Getting out of bed, he went out to the sitting room only to find it, too, was empty. He figured the other man had probably gone for 'coffee that didn't taste like it was brewed in somebody's ass' and brushed off the absence without too much thought. Donning the same white robe he'd worn the day before, he settled down on the sofa and turned on the TV.

Brian entered the suite of rooms to find his lover awake and curled up on one end of the sofa. He was suddenly glad he'd stopped by the coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. If all went well, Justin would know about his surprise soon enough; there was no need to be fielding questions he wasn't ready to answer. "Morning, Sunshine," he said, leaning down to kiss the top of the blond head on his way to the kitchen with two cups of gourmet coffee and a paper bag. When he received no response, he stopped, turning to look down at the younger man with a modicum of concern. "What's wrong? Headache?"

Justin shook his head slowly and reached for the remote to turn off the television. When he remained silent, Brian put down the coffee and bagels and sat beside him, frowning at the look of despair on the blond's face. "Justin, what happened?" he asked quietly.

He swallowed once before answering. "Kevin Collings," he finally replied. "He's dead, Brian, did you know that?"

Brian let out a breath and looked down at where his hand had automatically reached for Justin's. "Yeah," he said on a whisper. Clearing his throat, he added, "I figured that was him that we… saw when we first got here."

Justin turned to look at him. "At the morgue," he said softly. "Myers told me."

Brian only nodded, not wanting to remember what had been going through his head at the time.

"I'm sorry," Justin whispered, having noticed the brief flash of pain that flitted through the hazel eyes.

"I'm not." It came out without thought and Brian's eyes widened slightly at hearing his own words. "I mean, it wasn't something I'd want to do again anytime soon, and it's too bad about that Kevin kid, but …" He paused for a moment. "But it wasn't you and I'm not sorry about that."

Justin allowed a wan smile in acknowledgement of the words. Shifting his body, he aligned himself next to Brian and allowed the older man to pull him into a loose embrace. "He was an actor," he said quietly. "Wanted to play JT in the movie."

Brian only nodded, suddenly realizing why someone who looked so much like Justin was at the party in the first place.

"Brett told me he was going to give him the role," Justin went on, "but he hadn't told Kevin yet. Said it was good for them to sweat a little." He turned to look up at Brian with sad eyes. "He never knew, Brian, and now he's dead."

"Yeah," Brian commiserated, knowing there wasn't much he could say to that.

Justin pulled away and got to his feet. "If I hadn't come out here, he might still be alive," he said bitterly.

"Justin." Brian's voice carried an element of warning. "It wasn't your fault."

Running his hand through his hair, Justin sighed. "I know I'm not the one who pulled the trigger," he concurred. "And I know that asshole must have had issues, but if I'd stayed in Pittsburgh, he never would have shown up at that party with a gun. Shit, there wouldn't even have been a party."

"This is Los Angeles," Brian countered. "There's always a party. If it wasn't your new job, it would have been something else."

"But maybe Kevin wouldn't have been at the 'something else'," Justin bit back. "Or maybe the asshole with the gun wouldn't have crashed the 'something else'."

Brian got to his feet, intent on waylaying his young lover before he worked himself up further. Taking the blond's face in his hands, he forced him to look into his eyes, willing him to see the truth of his words. "It's not your fault. You're not responsible for what that asshole did, regardless of why he said he was doing it."

Justin stared at him a moment. "But it was me he came after," he said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. "With a fucking gun, Brian!"

And with those words, Brian realized what lay at the root of the issue. For the second time in his young life, Justin was faced with the reality that someone had tried to kill him. Chris Hobbes had taken a bat to him because he was gay, and now a nameless stranger had pulled a gun on him for accepting a job he deserved, for being good at what he did.

Both times, Justin's life had been in danger simply because he was who he was.

Knowing there were no words to lessen the pain and fear that realization brought, Brian silently folded the younger body in his arms. It wouldn't make it all go away; it wouldn't even necessarily make it better, but at least the distraught young man would know without a doubt that he wasn't alone.

"God, Brian," Justin whispered into his chest, his own arms snaking around the brunette's waist and clutching him tightly. "He fucking tried to kill me."

"I know," Brian managed, trying to maintain a grip on his anger at the situation. "But you're fine. You're here with me and he's in jail."

"And Brett's in the hospital," Justin reminded him. "Shit, he's probably wishing he'd never offered me that job right now."

"No," Brian informed him. "He still wants you to take the job. He offered it to you because you deserve it. That hasn't changed."

Justin pulled back slightly to look into the other man's face. "How do you know that?" he asked quietly.

"What?" Brian frowned, realizing what he'd let slip.

"That he still wants me to take the job?" Justin pressed.

After a brief silence, he answered, "He told me."

"When?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "I saw him in the hospital after you … after I left your room." He wouldn't admit that Justin had kicked him out, even though they both knew that's what had happened.

"You went to see him?" Justin asked, his eyes growing suspicious. "Why?"

Brian shrugged. "Myers said he wanted to see us. You weren't awake yet and I didn't want to leave you, so Michael went alone."

Justin pulled himself out of Brian's arms and took a step back, his expression still wary, knowing there was more to it than that. "But you went to see him later," he concluded.

"He pushed you off a fucking balcony, for Christ's sake," Brian snapped. "Yeah, I went to see him."

"What did you say?" Justin demanded. When Brian didn't answer, his irritation only grew. "Jesus Christ, Brian, I have to work with him. What the fuck did you say?"

Brian's eyes locked on Justin's. "I told him I knew he'd pushed you and that I wasn't going to thank him for that."

"He probably saved my life," Justin retorted.

"He was saving his own!" Brian barked back. "You think he pushed you out of the way to save you?" he asked sarcastically. "Is that what you think, Sunshine? That the great director Brett Keller cares more for an assistant art director's life than he does his own?"

Justin winced slightly and Brian immediately wished he could take the words back, or at least soften the tone somewhat. He'd been trying to point out that Brett was no hero and hadn't meant it to sound like Justin's life was worth less than Keller's. Hell, one Justin Taylor was worth a hundred … a thousand slimy Hollywood directors.

"Of course not," Justin was saying in a quiet voice.

Brian closed the distance between them and cupped Justin's face to look into the blue eyes. "He doesn't know you like I do, Sunshine," was all he said, his tone sincere.

Justin searched the hazel eyes for a clue as to what those words meant. Brian only used the 'Sunshine' moniker one of three ways: when he was being sarcastic and sneering, teasing and playful, or when he really wanted Justin to hear what he was trying to say. He knew from the intense look in the hazel eyes that this was one of those times when it was important that he heard not just the words but the meaning behind them. Keller might not have risked his own life to save him, but Brian would. He might never come out and say that, but Justin knew without a doubt that it was true. He offered a small smile in recognition of the words and Brian's eyes seemed to sparkle, obviously glad that he'd made his point without having to verbalize the feelings he routinely attributed to 'dickless fags'.

Brian saw the understanding in Justin's eyes and felt a surge of relief. He'd been heard and he hadn't had to use the flowery words that promised to make him gag at the mere thought. Maybe Justin really was on to him.

Or maybe Brian was just realizing that there was more than one way to skin the proverbial cat known as romance.

"So, he still wants me to take the job, huh?" Justin asked, both to show that he was no longer angry that Brian had talked to Keller and to gently steer them both away from the subject of emotions.

"Yeah," Brian replied with a small, grateful smile. "It's yours because you earned it."

"I'll have to find an apartment. I want a place of my own where you can visit." The words seemed to panic him as soon as they escaped his lips. "If you want to," he amended quickly.

"Already given that some thought," Brian murmured, lowering his head to nuzzle the smooth skin at his lover's throat. "I figured with Cynthia and Ted so willing to run things in my absence, I should at least be entitled to one free weekend a month."

"You mean it?" Justin exclaimed, trying to tone down the sudden smile that had earned him his nickname. "Once a month? A whole weekend?"

"Unless you think you'll be too busy for me," Brian replied, raising his head to frown, though his eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Never," Justin whispered, his lips sweeping along the other man's jawline. "The only time… kiss… I'm ever too busy … kiss… for anything… kiss… is when you're fucking me … kiss… like you are right now."

Brian's eyes had closed as the talented lips tracked their way along his jaw and down his neck to his shoulder. He had to force them open to look into his young lover's eyes. "I'm not fucking you right now," he pointed out, his voice husky, his lips turned up in a slight smile.

"See if you can still say that ten minutes from now," Justin teased, taking the other man's hand and leading him toward the bathroom. After realizing how close he'd come to death for the second time, he needed to feel alive.

"What about the bed?" Brian asked, not really caring about location. His cock was already straining to be released from its denim confines after only a few well-executed kisses.

"I haven't showered yet," Justin replied. "I was waiting for you."

Brian chuckled. "Gives new meaning to the term 'dirty blond'."

With a hard tug, Justin pulled him into the bathroom, their bodies colliding as Brian's forward momentum met with his lover's unyielding stance.

"Just how dirty would you like me to be?" the blond purred, his hands already reaching to undo the button's on his lover's shirt.

Brian's eyes darkened. "Surprise me," he replied, trying for nonchalance even though his voice was a good octave lower than normal.

Justin smirked and abandoned the task his fingers had undertaken, instead, grabbing the edges of the shirt and pulling them apart roughly, the distinct sound of buttons bouncing off the tiles sending signals to both their dicks.

"You owe me a shirt," Brian growled, reached inside the terry robe to grasp his lover's ass and pull him forward. Their cocks collided, Justin's free, Brian's confined, and both equally hard and aching.

Justin slipped off the robe and held his arms out to his sides. "Sorry," he offered, along with a feigned look of regret. "As you can see, I'm fresh out of shirts."

Brian's cock twitched at the sight of the naked man before him. "Guess I'll have to take it out in trade," he growled, reaching for the body he could never get enough of.

Justin allowed himself to be pulled against the other man and reached down to unfasten his lover's jeans, the buttons there easing through the holes almost at will. Brian plundered the blond's mouth as strong artist's fingers worked the jeans down his thighs. When, finally, they dropped to the floor, he stepped out of them and pulled his lover toward the shower. He had the spray on and adjusted in record time, but his attempts to reclaim the lips he'd had to abandon were thwarted as the younger man dropped to his knees before him. Looking down, his gaze met that of his lover, blue eyes appraising him through blond lashes. No words were needed between them as Justin slowly took the turgid member into his mouth, his eyes never leaving those of the man he loved.

"Oh, God," Brian moaned as the talented tongue twirled around the head of his cock. Taking the words as encouragement, Justin continued the ministrations with his mouth and brought his hands up to join in the act. One fondled the full ball sac gently while the other joined the cock in his mouth. Once it was sufficiently coated in saliva, he reached around to trace his lover's puckered entrance. A throaty groan was his reward as he slowly pushed the digit inside, twisting just enough to extract the maximum amount of pleasure. As Brian's breathing quickened, so did Justin's actions, one hand increasing the pressure on the full sac while the other stroked the inner walls of his lover's heated channel. His tongue worked fervently, tracing the large vein on the underside of the straining cock before flicking across the head and into the weeping slit, his lips holding the shaft captive as they moved up and down in an ever-increasing rhythm.

The triple assault was having the desired effect on the taller man, another low moan escaping his parted lips along with a series of soft pants. "Jesus, Justin," he breathed as he felt his balls being tugged relentlessly. Moments later, he was shooting his seed into the warm cavern of the blond's mouth.

When he was sure he'd received every last drop, Justin carefully withdrew his finger and let the spent cock slip from between his lips. As he slowly rose to his feet, he allowed some of his lover's creamy essence to dribble from between his slightly swollen lips, enticing the man before him to taste what was being offered.

The invitation was more than enough for Brian and his mouth dove for the other man's licking the spent seed from his lips and chin before delving into the warm mouth and sucking the remainder from where it lay pooled in wait.

Justin moaned into the open mouth as Brian's tongue probed for every last drop. "Brian," he breathed. Breaking the kiss only long enough to retrieve the lube and condom from the nearby counter, Brian turned his lover to face the wall of the shower, kissing his neck and down his shoulder blades as the hot water cascaded over them.

Justin enjoyed the attention for a moment, then turned to once again face the brunette who's eyes questioned him silently. Answering the same way, Justin reached around him and pushed open the glass shower door, completely uncaring that the water was no longer confined to the large stall. Brian frowned slightly, then followed Justin's gaze upward to the now unfettered metal door frame.

Blue eyes locked once again on hazel as the blond reached up to grasp the wet metal, pulling his weight up just enough to get his intentions across. Brian caught on quickly and rolled the condom on before reaching out to support his lover's ass as Justin pulled up with his arms. The blond hung virtually suspended in mid air while he waited for Brian to open the lube and quickly coat his hard cock. When the lubed hand reached for the crack of his ass, he shook his head slightly and proceeded to wrap his legs around his lover's waist. Holding the firm ass cheeks, Brian guided the lithe form into position and began entering the unprepared channel, pausing only briefly as Justin's breath hitched.

"Don't stop," the younger man panted, pushing to lower himself fully on the latex-encased cock. Brian held his breath as he was taken in; only letting it out slowly once Justin was fully impaled. After taking a few seconds to adjust, he grabbed the slim hips and began to lift the body on his throbbing dick, groaning softly when he pulled the round ass down to engulf him.

Justin pulled himself up with his arms, throwing his head back at the feel of his lover's cock retreating, and then allowed gravity and Brian's strong hands to guide him down, filling him once again. He released the hold his legs had on his lover's body and held them up and out, increasing the feeling of floating in mid air. The sensation was incredible, but they both knew he wouldn't be able to maintain that position for long. Brian began pumping the young man's body harder, gyrating his hips to slam home with every thrust. Justin cried out at the feeling, biting his lower lip as every nerve ending screamed silently in sheer ecstasy.

Knowing his lover was close, Brian increased his efforts, his arms straining as he worked the willing body roughly on his hard dick. It was just what Justin wanted and he screamed his lover's name as he erupted in release painting his chest and chin with his load.

Brian followed him over the edge almost immediately, groaning loudly as he pulled the trembling body to him one more time and held it there as he unloaded his spunk into the condom.

Seconds later, he wrapped his arms around Justin's waist allowing the smaller man to relinquish his hold on the support bar above them. Arms and legs trembling from the strain, Justin could only lean against the other man for a moment as he struggled to regain enough strength to stand on his own.

"Fuck, that was hot," Brian breathed in awe. "Are you all right?"

"Not sure," Justin admitted in a shaky voice. "But if I'm not, it was a hell of a way to go."

Brian chuckled and kissed the top of the blond head before steering his lover under the warm spray. He quickly cleaned them both, knowing that Justin wasn't up to the task at the moment. Turning off the water, he guided the still shaky man from the stall and wrapped him in a towel, eliciting a satisfied sigh from the blond.

"Can you walk?" Brian asked with an amused smirk as he wrapped a towel around his own waist.

Justin tried for a glare, but couldn't manage to stop the satisfied grin from spreading across his face. "Give me a minute."

Brian barked a short laugh and shook his head in disbelief. "Somehow I doubt that was what the good doctor had in mind when he said to take it easy for a couple of days."

Justin wrapped his arms around his lover and leaned into the man's embrace. Brian's words only served to remind him that his period of convalescence was almost at an end. "You going home after the doctor gives me a clean bill of health?" he asked, nuzzling his cheek against Brian's hard chest.

"Is that what you want?" Brian asked quietly, his hands idly stroking the blond's back.

Justin raised his head to search the hazel eyes. He wanted to go back to a time when they were partners, when even though they didn't actually live together, they enjoyed each other's company. He wanted things to be the way they were before Brian had asked him to move in, before he'd denounced their partnership for the second time in a matter of months.

But he knew it was impossible.

Eyes glassy with tears, he forced a small smile. "Right now I want the hottest man in Los Angeles to take me to breakfast," he replied, evading the real question masterfully.

Brian absorbed the words that were spoken as well as those that weren't. He'd seen the emotions playing through the blue eyes as Justin considered his answer - or non-answer, as it were. While Justin had proven that he still trusted Brian with his body, it was obvious he no longer trusted him with his heart.

And that realization hurt more than he could have imagined.

"We'd best get dressed, then," he replied, trying, for Justin's sake, to keep things light.

They stared at each other silently for a moment, neither wanting to acknowledge just how much things had changed between them.

"Yeah," Justin finally breathed, a sad tinge to his voice. Without another word, they returned to the bedroom to dress.

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