Going or Staying

Chapter 13

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Exhausted from the emotional outburst and still feeling the effects of the pain medication, Justin had allowed himself to be led to the bed where Brian held him gently in his arms until the younger man fell asleep.

Careful not to disturb his lover, Brian slipped quietly from the bed and headed into the next room where he immediately picked up the phone and dialed the room where Michael waited.

A few minutes later, the dark-haired man entered the suite of rooms.

"You look like shit," he greeted his best friend with concern. "How's Justin?"

"Sleeping," Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Michael regarded him for a moment. "Are you two OK?"

Brian barked a harsh laugh at the question. "Yeah, just dandy," he finally said sarcastically.

"Shouldn't you put the sling back on?" Michael asked, taking a seat on the sofa. He knew that was probably the least of Brian's concerns, but he simply had no words to address the real cause of his friend's pain.

Brian glanced at the previously restrained limb, realizing that he'd taken the sling off without conscious thought. He knew he needed to hold Justin and nothing else had mattered. While the healing bone still sent a twitch of pain through him if he moved the wrong way, it was really no worse than it had been when he'd been wearing the supportive device.

"It's fine," he said dismissively as he sat down on the chair opposite his friend. After a moment's silence, he touched on the more important issue at hand. "I… I told him he was more than a friend to me," he admitted quietly.

"That's good, right?" Michael said, frowning at the other man's pained look.

Brian was shaking his head slowly. "He said if this is more, then he doesn't want it." His voice was thick with barely controlled emotion.

"He didn't mean it, Brian," Michael assured him quietly.

"Even after… Hobbes, he never sounded so lost … so alone." He had to swallow as his voice cracked on the last word.

"He's not alone," Michael pointed out gently. "If anyone can make him see that, it's you."

Brian scoffed at the notion. "I'm the reason he feels that way, Mikey. I pull him to me with one arm and push him away with the other."

"Then stop," Michael said simply. "You have to decide if you want to pull or push and do it once and for all."

Brian got to his feet and began pacing. "It's not about what I want," he said. "He's only twenty-one for fuck's sake. He doesn't need to be tied to a life in fucking Pittsburgh. What if he gets another job offer? What if he … meets somebody who can give him everything I can't?"

"That's not going to happen," Michael said, referring to the second part of the question.

"How do you know that?" Brian snapped irritably.

"Because he tried that once before, remember? He realized all he wants is you and you're the only one who can give him that."

Though he didn't press the issue, it was obvious the taller man was not entirely convinced. "You don't need to stay out here any longer," he said in a tired voice. "I'll stay with Justin until he sees the doctor. If you want to go home, I'll book you a flight."

While he'd do anything to help, he knew that the remaining problems between the two men were theirs alone to sort out. "I guess that's probably a good idea," he said. "You two need some time alone and I have responsibilities of my own at home." He looked slightly surprised at his own words. "Jesus, it's still hard to believe that I have a baby."

With an affectionate smile, Brian took a couple of steps toward him and placed a hand at the back of his neck. "Yeah, you do," he whispered before kissing the shorter man's forehead. "Thanks for everything, Mikey." He stared into the chocolate-brown eyes intensely. "I really don't know if I could have done the mor… all this without you."

Michael's initial response was a smile and a nod. It wasn't often that Brian doled out thanks or admitted needing anyone. He liked to bask in the moment whenever he could. "Yeah, well, if Ben ever runs off to L.A. to take a job in the movies, you can return the favour," he joked, knowing there was only so much sentimentality his friend could take.

"Anytime," Brian smiled. "Now, I'm going to book you the next available flight so you can get home to hubby and the children," he said, his tone managing to be sarcastic and caring at the same time.

"Asshole," Michael grumbled good-naturedly while his friend moved away toward the phone.

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An hour later, Michael stood at the door with his bag. "Call me and let me know how things are going," he instructed his friend. "Ma's gonna want to know."

Brian tried to hide a smile. While Debbie no doubt would want to know, Michael wasn't fooling anyone. He and Justin had become closer in the last few months and it was obvious that he cared about the young man sleeping in the next room.

"Yeah, I'll call," Brian promised. "Wouldn't want Deb to worry,"

The way he stressed his mother's name told Michael he'd been busted and he shook his head laughing slightly. "He does have a way of getting under the wire, doesn't he?"

Brian looked back at him, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth, but he didn't respond otherwise.

They hugged and Brian made sure the other man had enough for cab fare before parting. He'd barely had time to close the door before he heard rummaging from the other room and a sleepy Justin emerged looking only slightly better than he had earlier.

"Hey," Brian said quietly. "How's the head?"

"Fucking hurts," Justin mumbled in reply as he made his way to the kitchen for a bottle of water.

Brian glanced at the clock on the wall. "You can have another pain pill," he informed the other man.

"Mind if I wake up a bit before you try to knock me out again?" Justin replied irritably.

Brian raised an eyebrow but didn't respond otherwise. The tension between them was thick and he didn't want to set off another episode like they'd had earlier. After sitting in the chair with his eyes closed for several minutes, Justin spoke.

"I meant what I said earlier," he stated quietly.

He didn't have to ask for clarification. He knew the blond had meant everything he said.

But that didn't mean he still couldn't try to change his mind. "Yeah, I know," he said in an equally quiet voice.

Justin opened his eyes then and turned to look at him. Brian's expression was uncharacteristically open and unguarded; a look Justin was used to seeing only when the older man was asleep.

"So, what do we do now?"

Brian considered the question for a moment. "We eat," he finally said, moving toward the phone and the room service menu.

He knew it was more than just an avoidance tactic on his lover's part. They still had a lot to sort out and they both needed time to prepare for that in their separate corners. "Ok," he agreed, getting to his feet. "You order. I'm going to take a shower."

"Anything specific you want?" Brian asked over his shoulder as he perused the menu.

Justin smiled sadly. "You know what I like. Surprise me."

Brian was about to call out a few suggestions when he heard the shower running. Fine, he thought to himself with a small smile. I'll surprise him, alright.

Justin emerged from the bathroom half an hour later wrapped in a fluffy white hotel robe.

"When Mikey and I went shopping for something for you to wear home from the hospital, I picked up a few extra things," Brian informed him casually. Nodding toward the bedroom, he elaborated, "They're in the closet."

Justin nodded his thanks and headed into the other room to change. When he came out a few minutes later, he was wearing comfortable sweats and a soft grey t-shirt. "What did you order?" he asked, referring to the food.

"I thought you wanted to be surprised, Sunshine?" Brian asked with a raised eyebrow. A touch of a smile ensured the remark was meant to be teasing, not snarkish.

Justin returned a small smile of his own and nodded, happy to wait. Since neither man was ready for conversation, Justin turned on the TV and Brian headed to the desk in the corner where a computer sat, complete with internet access. Only when the food arrived twenty minutes later did either man speak.

"Smells good," Justin said as Brian wheeled the cart to a spot in the opposite corner of the room where two chairs stood waiting for just such an occasion. Silently, he began to remove covers from the various dishes, hiding a smile as he noticed Justin's eyes widen.

"Brian, this is…" Justin let the thought trail off, unwilling to attach more meaning to the gesture than was intended.

"It's what?" Brian asked in a deliberately casual tone.

Justin looked into the knowing hazel eyes and had to smile. "The same meal I ordered in that hotel room in New York. I'm surprised you remembered."

"How could I forget?" Brian teased. "I'm the one who got the whopping bill, remember?"

"And now I guess you're going to get another one," Justin mused, suddenly hungry as he looked at the food spread before them.

"Yeah, well," Brian said softly. "If I thought it was worth it then, it's only more so now."

Tears sparkled in Justin's eyes at the words, but he fought to hold them in. He didn't want to get swept away by a few sentiments as he so often did. This time, he wouldn't accept mere crumbs.

They ate in silence for a while, though Justin did far more eating than Brian. He hadn't been lying when he said he wasn't hungry, but once he started eating, he realized it felt good to have something on his stomach. Brian had duplicated the meal exactly, except, of course, for the champagne. While he might allow himself to drink while on pain meds, he didn't like to see Justin do it.

Just another one of those little things that showed he cared.

His thoughts caused him to look up at the other man who was already watching him silently. There was one thing Justin thought should be made clear first and foremost.

"Brian," he began uneasily. "About earlier… I don't want… don't get the impression that the words are important to me. They're not."

Brian raised one eyebrow as though he didn't wholly believe it, but he didn't say anything.

"I don't need to hear them every day," Justin went on. "I don't need to hear them at all, not in the way you think. I just want … I just want to know that I matter as much as the other people you love."

"You matter, Justin," Brian replied. "I thought you knew that."

Justin shrugged, looking down at his plate for a moment before raising blue eyes to once again meet hazel. "Sometimes I do," he acknowledged. "You're right, actions speak louder than words." He saw Brian nod slightly in agreement and felt compelled to continue. "But I'm not sure what your actions are supposed to say when you throw me out, when you push me away. Those actions don't show me you love me, Brian. They make me feel like I'm a disposable part of your life, and it hurts. It hurts more than you know."

Brian looked away, knowing the younger man was right. He couldn't have it both ways. Looking back at the blond, he tried to explain, a concept he was not entirely comfortable with. "Justin, those actions aren't about you, they're about me," he began. "I don't always… I don't always know how to deal with how I feel. Sometimes I see how close you are and it scares the hell out of me." He knew he was opening himself to more pain by admitting those things, but he also knew it was time Justin heard them. "I don't want to hurt you, but I know I do, and pushing you away is the best way I know to protect you." He swallowed before concluding the thought. "From me."

"Jesus Christ, Brian," Justin snapped irritably. "Now you sound like my fucking father. I don't need you to protect me, especially not from you."

"Don't compare me to that… to him," Brian hissed.

"I'm sorry," Justin relented, knowing it had been a low blow. "I wasn't comparing you to him, but do you know how many times he's claimed he's only trying to protect me from you? That doesn't fucking excuse anything he's done and it doesn't excuse you either."

Brian could only glare at him as the blond pushed himself away from the table and went in search of his pain pills and a bottle of water. Knowing the man was in both physical and emotion pain softened his demeanor somewhat, but he still didn't know what to say that wouldn't make things worse, so he remained silent.

Justin turned to face him, having regained control of his emotions. "Do you really believe you're protecting me from you?" he asked quietly. "Or is it the other way around?"

Brian rolled his eyes at that and snorted softly as though to dismiss the notion

Knowing from the reaction that he'd hit close to home, Justin moved closer and knelt on the floor beside the older man's chair. "I know I hurt you," he said softly. "And I regret that more than anything, but you can't keep punishing me for the rest of our lives."

Brian got up abruptly and turned away, stalking toward the bedroom. "You don't know shit, Sunshine," he sneered.

"I know that every time you push me away, it's because you're afraid I'm going to leave," Justin challenged.

"And you did!" Brian retorted angrily, whirling to face him. "So don't fucking tell me it can't happen, because it did! I was there!"

"So was I!" Justin fired back. "I was there when you proved once again that my feelings meant nothing to you! When you fucked the personification of the image I'd created! It was the ultimate fuck you and farewell to Justin Taylor!"

The yelling was playing havoc with his already throbbing head and Justin's strength seemed to ebb away almost immediately. He dropped into the chair and leaned forward, his head in his hands. "Christ, Brian," he muttered in a tired voice. "Why couldn't you just tell me you'd never be able to forgive me? Why keep putting us both through all this bullshit?"

Brian stared at him. This beautiful, strong, smart, creative man he'd fallen in love with honestly thought he needed to be forgiven?

"Justin," he said, his tone gentler. "There's nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do for you." And though he hated to acknowledge that any good had come from the pain he'd suffered, he had to admit, "I wouldn't have thought it possible at the time, but you came back stronger than ever." He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued, "And I'd never been so proud of anyone in my fucking life as I was of you that night in my office."

Justin looked up, his eyes reflecting his surprise at the admission. "Really?" he asked in a small voice.

Brian pulled his lips between his teeth and nodded slowly.

Justin lowered his head and shook it wearily. "What the fuck are we doing, Brian?" he whispered hoarsely.

Brian shrugged, allowing a small smile. "Whatever it is, we're doing it together. That's progress, isn't it?"

Justin chuckled softly and got to his feet. As he closed the distance between them, Brian opened his arms and the blond stepped into them as though he'd been born to be there.

"Oh, God," Justin sighed, clutching his lover's body to him as though afraid to let go. "I've missed this so much."

"Me, too," Brian whispered, stroking the soft blond hair and burying his face in the crook of his partner's neck.

As it so often happened between them, the close proximity of their bodies ignited the fire of passion smoldering just below the surface. Responding to the undeniable attraction he had for the other man, Brian crushed the lithe body to him, devouring the mouth he'd been missing. Only when oxygen became an issue did they reluctantly pull away, two sets of lips swollen and red, two faces flushed with desire, two pairs of eyes dark with lust. Justin swayed slightly and Brian held him tighter, his expression changing to one of concern.

"Christ, Justin, I wasn't thinking," he exclaimed breathlessly. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Justin assured him with a smile. "You always did sweep me off my feet."

The joke did nothing to erase the anxiety in the hazel eyes. "Maybe we should wait," he suggested, gently stroking the side of his lover's cheek.

"We've waited long enough," Justin urged, his eyes pleading. "It's just a mild headache. It won't hurt any less if we stop, but you might be able to make me forget about it a while if we don't." He saw his lover's resolve wavering and used his trump card. "Please, Brian," he whispered. "Make love to me?"

Brian knew he was powerless against the blond temptation, but it was the one area in his life where he didn't hate the feeling of helplessness. "off your feet, huh?" he smirked mischievously. In the next instant, he swept the blond into his arms, and then leaned in to kiss him gently before pulling back. Hazel eyes scanned blue, seeking one last bit of reassurance. Finding no pain, only love and desire in the azure depths, he captured the pouty lips in a long, deep kiss and proceeded to carry his priceless cargo toward the bedroom.

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