Going or Staying

Chapter 1

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With a sly smile, Justin whispered, "Connor James."

Brian laughed softly. "Sounds like you had a most excellent adventure."

"Sounds like you did, too," the blond replied quietly.

"Bicycling down life's endless highways, I had time to think."

Unable to keep the slightly surprised expression from his face, Justin looked at him expectantly. "Oh?"

"About what I'd do differently if I survived cancer *and* sleeping in a tent."

Justin's pulse quickened. Was Mr. 'No Regrets' actually admitting that there were things he'd do differently? After all this time, could he dare hope that he might be one of those 'things'? Masking the excitement those thoughts invoked, he managed in a calm tone, "Equally unpleasant, I agree. But now that you have, what did you decide?"

Please, Brian, just this once, don't say something stupid.

"The first thing I'd do differently …" Brian began.

The look on his lover's face had Justin holding his breath.

"…is the bedroom. Get rid of that thing over the bed."

And there it was. Once again, his hopes were dashed with an offhand comment. When would he learn? Turning away from his lover, he tried to hide the disappointment in his voice as he got to his feet to make his way toward the kitchen. "Yeah, it's very 90's, I agree."

Brian pretended not to notice the change in the younger man's tone. Awkwardly, he tried to get to his feet without jarring his broken collar bone any more than necessary. It still hurt like a motherfucker and he briefly wondered what moment of insanity had led to him napping on the floor instead of the bed. Rather than focus on the pain, he continued with his musings as he headed toward the fridge.

"And then I'd like to spend more time with my son," he continued. "He's at an age now when he needs a strong masculine influence. Especially being raised by a couple of dykes. He's got to know about Armani, Gucci, Prada…" He reached into the fridge and retrieved a can of soda, turning back to where Justin listened half-heartedly from his position on the stool. "Not just football and engine tuning."

"Unquestionably," Justin replied, the bored tone of his voice punctuated by a smirk. "Any other decisions?"

Brian hesitated while he opened the soda. "I want you to move back in," he said quickly before taking a drink.

Looking up in obvious confusion, the blond furrowed his brow. "Huh?"

That wasn't exactly the reaction Brian had been expecting. It wasn't so long ago that Justin's face would have lit up at the proposition. But then, Justin was no longer the twink he'd picked up on Liberty Avenue. Taking that into consideration, he calmly clarified his statement. "I said, I'd like it if you and I were to live together."

Outwardly, Justin's features betrayed the incredulity he was feeling. Inwardly, his pulse was beginning to race. Was Brian saying what he thought he was saying? What he hoped he was saying?

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Are you proposing?"

"Of course not," Brian scoffed.

And once again, Justin's hopes crashed. He knew Brian better than that; how could he have thought that, even for a second? Let alone say it out loud. Jesus. Running his hands over his face in frustration, he listened while his lover continued.

"With the sudden and unexpected plethora of gay marriages, I'd hate to add to the glut." He looked at the blond, trying to project his most practical expression. "All this running back and forth between here and Daphne's is time-consuming. And inconvenient. I mean, just last week, you forgot your socks and had to borrow a pair of mine."

Justin rolled his eyes. Leave it to Brian to reduce their living together to a matter of socks. The brunette's next words were delivered in a soft tone and caught Justin's attention immediately.

"And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were."

The past few years flitted through Justin's mind in a flash. "I've been waiting for you to ask me that since the first night you brought me here," he admitted sincerely.

Brian considered those words for a brief moment. It wasn't exactly news, and Brian felt an unwelcome pang of guilt for not acknowledging it sooner. "Well, then what do you say?" he prodded, trying to lighten the moment. "Should I make room in my drawers for your drawers?"

He tousled the blond hair as he walked past, eliciting a small smile from the younger man. Suddenly, he didn't want to see Justin's face while he considered the proposal. Every emotion showed in those blue eyes and he didn't think he could face the look of indecision he feared he'd see there. Projecting a nonchalance he was far from feeling, he headed toward the bathroom in order to give the other man time to consider his response.

Justin's mind was reeling. Brian had finally admitted he wanted Justin to move in. Not because he had no place to go. Not because he needed to be cared for or 'fixed'. Finally, it was just because it was what Brian wanted.

And instead of the elation he'd expected upon hearing the words, he suddenly felt a surprising surge of anger. All this time, he'd waited for Brian to want them to be together and now, when he'd all but given up hope of ever hearing the words, he'd finally said them. Now, when Justin had finally accepted the way things were between them, when he felt he finally knew what to expect. Now, when he'd already accepted the job Brett Keller had offered him.

Shit.

Between the ride and the birth of Mel and Michael's baby, Justin hadn't had a chance to tell Brian about Brett's job offer, let alone that he had accepted it. He knew he should probably feel some regret for accepting without discussing it with Brian first, but he didn't. Wasn't Brian always the one telling him that he had to be his own man? That he had to make his own decisions, regardless of how they might impact others? That he had to be the best homosexual he could be?

And didn't that mean that he should be able to accept a job offer without asking his lover's permission first?

Almost immediately, he regretted the uncharitable thoughts. He knew that Brian would never try to tell him what he should do. Hadn't he proved that during the whole Pink Posse debacle? It was no secret Brian had disapproved, but he'd respected Justin's need to take a stand. He'd voiced his concerns, but in the end, he'd stood by and let him do what he felt he had to do, even knowing the trouble that might come from his choices.

And hadn't he encouraged Justin to make the trip to L.A. in the first place? Hadn't he tried to make the decision easier by saying he wouldn't be going on the ride, knowing full well that he planned all along to do just that?

So he'd gone. He'd met with Brett and the studio hot-shots. He'd attended the Hollywood parties and nightclubs. He'd defended their 'non-married' status to Brett, telling him they were together because they wanted to be, not because they had to be.

And in the next breath, he'd committed himself to working on the movie, in total disregard of the fact that they wouldn't be together by choice or otherwise for six to eight months.

Suddenly, it was too much. He couldn't think about Brian's offer to move into the loft. He couldn't think about his lover's reaction to his news about the job.

But most of all, he couldn't think about how much harder it would be if Brian were to throw him out again somewhere down the road. If he moved in now, it would be his home, really his home. Not just Brian's loft, not just the place he was currently staying because he had nowhere else to go, but his home - their home. And to be thrown out of your home once in a lifetime was enough for anyone.

Knowing Brian was expecting an answer and unable to come up with one, he did the one thing he never thought he'd do under the circumstances. He grabbed his coat and hurried from the loft without a word to the man in the other room.

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