Brian was sitting on the couch in the loft, Justin resting between his knees on the floor. They were watching a shitty movie from pay-per-view. Justin had insisted they watch it because he claimed to have wanted to see it for a while, but not having any money, he couldn't see it in the theatres. Brian had caved and turned on the TV, scoffing at how often Justin got away with using the sympathy card.

"Justin." Brian began breaking the silence. "This movie is for shit."

"Shush." The blonde replied slapping Brian's foot. Justin laughed to himself because the movie really was for shit, but after he had successfully whined Brian into submission he didn't want to back out now. To tell the truth, he had almost fallen asleep twice. "Okay, fine, I admit it. The movie's for shit, but you gotta admit the lead is a total hottie."

"I've had better."

Justin sneered. "Don't use the past tense, I'm right here and you're still having me."

"Now whose ego is bigger?" Brian asked cocking his eyebrow.

Justin turned around and sat on his knees between Brian's legs. Justin ran his hand along Brian's calf, feeling the man's warm skin against his own rough hands.

"Brian…"

"Huh?" Brian asked lazily.

"I want to go somewhere."

"Okay, I'm all for heading into the bedroom." Brian winked and pulled the blonde onto his lap.

Justin leaned in and flicked his tongue across Brian's lips. "I want to go out. Let's go to Babylon."

"We are not going to Babylon. It's only nine, no self-respecting gay man goes to Babylon before midnight."

"Then let's go to Woody's." Justin traced small kisses along Brian's throat.

"No self-respecting gay man goes to Woody's before eleven." Brian answered as he expertly groped the boy's groin.

Justin moaned at Brian's handy work, but he wasn't going to give in so easily. "Then let's go to the store."

"The store?"

"Yeah." Justin said sitting up. "We should go shopping for some food. You really need to get some of your protein off a plate."

Brian smirked. "I like my method better, and I think you do too."

"That's beside the point." Justin stood up pulling Brian with him. He was fully determined now, and wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Let's go."

"No."

"No?" Justin tilted his head and stared at the older man.

"No. Grocery shopping together is both lesbian and hetero and I'm not about to do it."

"That makes no sense. I can't believe that you are actually stooping to the level of using the breeder card. Fags eat too, you know."

"How can I forget after living with you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bri. We'll go get some food and then hit Woody's and Babylon. What else do you have to do?"

Brian rolled his eyes thinking of the numerous things he could be doing. The top of his list having his rock hard cock inside of his favorite bottom. Justin laughed knowing the thoughts going through Brian's head.

"We'll be doing enough of that later, come on." Justin grabbed Brian's hand and led him out the door to the jeep. It wasn't a long ride, but Brian was silent the whole way only frustrating his passenger. Brian really could be the biggest drama queen when he wanted to be.

"We're here." He stated, slamming the jeep door. "Unfortunately."

"Quit being a prick." Justin walked through the automatic door and grabbed the first cart he found. They really did need to go shopping, and besides he was bored. Brian followed the blonde down each of the aisles, dragging his feet the whole way. Every now and then he would supply his opinion on what Justin was tossing in the cart, but that's all of the talking he cared to supply. He didn't like that Justin could get his way with just a single look or sigh. Since when did Brian Kinney care if the twink was bored and wanted to get out or if he hadn't seen a fucking movie. He didn't have the answer to that question and wasn't quite sure he wanted one in the first place.

"Tacos?"

"What?" Brian asked startled.

"I asked if you wanted me to make tacos." Justin repeated, his eyes showing his confusion.

"Whatever." Brian uttered. "Are we done yet?"

"Almost." What's with the fucking attitude? Justin thought. He'd never known Brian to be this pissy before, but he reminded himself that he may not know Brian as well as he assumed. Justin led Brian to the fruit and vegetable section of the store and grabbed a few apples and bananas. Brian was all about fruit. Justin grabbed some lettuce and a tomato, tossing them in a bag and into the cart. They were making their way to the front of the building when a movement caught Justin's eye. He blinked and then looked again to see if he'd really seen what he thought he'd seen. A little girl, strawberry blonde hair, was walking down an aisle holding onto rungs of the cart. Next to her was her mother. Justin shifted his eyes and wondered what disturbed him about the seemingly normal scene.

A balloon.

She was holding a balloon. Green. It bobbed with every flick of her wrist and from the air blowing down from the vents.

Justin blinked but couldn't get the image out of his head. He reached his hand up and rubbed his eyes, hoping that when he opened them everything would be fine.

Brian watched the blonde as he stared down the cereal aisle. His face was contorted in confusion, pain, and sadness; pick one. He reached his arm out and gentle laid it on Justin's shoulder. The boy flinching from the unexpected contact.

"Let's get out of here." Justin said pushing the cart to the checkout. He tossed the boxes and bags onto the conveyor belt, ignoring the looks of concern he was getting from the older man. "Leave it alone." Justin said under his breath, eyeing Brian. If the boy didn't want to talk then Brian was going to be the last one to push, but he didn't know for how long. There was something that was obviously eating away at Justin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Babylon was thumping as usual with the mass of people gyrating to the beat of the techno music that blared through the structure. The lights flashed red, gold, and green illuminating the go-go dancer's scantily clad bodies. Justin was on the catwalk watching the scene play out below him. Brian had disappeared after they had a drink at the bar and hadn't returned. Justin didn't bother to find him because he was most likely in the backroom, and Justin hated the backroom. It was too dark, too quiet, and too ominous. The music seemed to fade when you exited the main room and even with all the moans and groans of satisfaction there was just something that hit Justin the wrong way. Besides, he didn't feel like having company tonight, at least not Brian's, and he was pretty positive the older man felt the same way.

Instead, he chose to stand high above the crowd with drink in hand, and forget about everything that troubled him. After the duo left the grocery store, they barely said two words to each other, mostly at Justin's request. They hauled the bags into the elevator and rode in silence to Brian's loft. It was still too early for Woody's, so Brian sat down at his computer and worked on some copies until he felt it was the perfect time for him to show his face on Liberty Avenue. Justin followed half-heartedly because he wanted to go to Babylon and get lost in the music, but he decided that it might be good to have a few drinks beforehand. So, he was nursing his third beer. He didn't want to get too drunk because he had school tomorrow, but he wanted to take away the pain.

"Don't drink too much. I remember what happened last time."

"What?" Justin asked, turning his head to see Michael standing beside him.

"Nothing." Michael answered, deciding to push the motherly routine aside for now.

"Where's Brian?"

"Where's Ben?" Justin rejoined.

"He's at home grading papers." Michael answered. "Where's Brian?"

"Fuck if I know. Probably the backroom getting his dick sucked."

"You guys get in a fight?" Michael asked concerned. He knew that Brian was a bitch to deal with and sometimes it was easier to just walk away. Justin was young and maybe that wasn't such a bad idea at times.

"Not so much." Justin turned and walked towards the stairs. His not-so-subtle way of ending a conversation he didn't want started. He walked down the stairs, worked his way through the maze of people, and into the most dreaded area. The smoke was more prominent back here, and he hated that too. The way it lingered, filling the air with that hazy mist, and the smell that stuck to your clothes. Justin weaved his way around, nodding his head at a few of the guys he'd met before until he locked his eyes on a set of hazel ones.

"Sunshine."

"Let's go." Justin stated standing firm.

"Now you want to talk." Brian waved the guy that was servicing his dick away and zipped his pants up. He knew Justin was uneasy back here and wasn't about to make the kid stand there any longer than he had to, but he wasn't about to back down for the third time tonight. He lead the way out of the backroom --turning down offers left and right- until he found himself at the bar. Brian ordered a shot of Beam and then turned to Justin. The boy was edging off buzzed and headed towards drunk.

"What are we doing here? I told you I wanted to go."

"And who's stopping you?" Brian watched as Justin ordered another beer. That was probably number four or five by now. Too many for somebody his age on a school night. Fuck, he thought, I'm not his parent, He can fuck up if he wants.

Justin looked at Brian and took a sip from the bottle in his hand. He rolled his eyes and waved his hand in dismissal. If he wanted to act that way then Justin was going to let him. He could always find an alternate route home; it wouldn't be the first time. Justin took another swig and eyed the tall brunette, trying to unsuccessfully hide the pain that was evident in his baby blues. Brian chose to ignore it and headed into the backroom, leaving Justin to fend for himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian stumbled into a darkened loft. He assumed that Justin had made it home and was sleeping. He'd have to get up for school in a couple of hours and Brian would be getting up for work; albeit with a nasty hangover. Brian unbuttoned his black, silk, Armani shirt and peeled it off before tossing it onto the parquet floor. He shed his pants next and climbed into the bed reveling in the feeling as his head hit the pillow. Unconsciously, his arm snaked underneath the cover and reached out, but found that the space next to him was empty.

"Where the fuck?" Brian asked aloud, bolting upright. His mind began to rush through all the possible scenarios on where Justin might be. Maybe he had gotten lost or maybe he stopped to think and lost track of time. Justin was the kind of person that liked to be alone with his thoughts, so Brian grabbed a pair of jeans and went to find the blonde.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Justin was sitting on the ledge when Brian found him, his feet dangling over the side. He had hoped that the roof was the last place Brian would look, but apparently Brian knew him better than Justin knew himself. Justin felt the older man next to him, but didn't move to acknowledge his presence. Instead, he let the music that was playing from the CD player Brian had bought him envelope him. He wanted to be taken away.

Brian felt relieved when he opened the creaking door and saw the outline of a body, but that quickly dissipated when Justin came into full view. He wondered if the blonde knew how precariously he was sitting, and then he wondered if Justin even cared. The boy's eyes were glistening and it was obvious he had been crying. Brian wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but he didn't want to startle him like before. He waited instead for Justin to look towards him. Finally, he did.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Brian asked.

Justin averted his eyes and looked at the cars below. If he moved a couple of inches, a quick turn of his body, or a shifting of his weight, it could be all over. Is that what he wanted? He took the earphones off his head and draped them around his neck.

"That could add up quickly. You sure you can afford it?"

"I'm the best." Brian smirked, but quickly became serious. "What happened to you today?"

Justin didn't know what to say. How do you explain something like that? He took a deep breath and exhaled softly, trying to gain composure before he started his long tale. He heard the soft whir of the CD player switching songs and realized he hadn't turned it off. A song he'd listened to repeatedly tonight played softly over the headset.

As I'm leaving

A change comes on my eyes

These streets persuading me

With mumbles strange goodbyes

"Did you see the little girl? She was holding a green balloon, which to any other person would probably be alright." He paused and watched Brian nod, indicating he wanted Justin to continue.

And through the water

Through the ring

To the soul of everything

Throw my heart out

On the stones

And I'm almost gone

"When you found me, I'd been living in different cities and different states for five months. I got by with what little money I had at first, but that didn't last long and I was forced to live by any means possible." He paused, smiling at the music.

And there's no meaning

In clothes and coffee cups

Cheap hotel furniture

Where silence never stops

"In Massachusetts, I lived in Salem, sleeping in somebody's barn. In Los Angeles, a deserted old building with a drunken crack whore. It was a different town every week if I had anything to say about it, and that had worked pretty well for me. Until I came here and you happened."

And through the water

Through the ring

To the soul of everything

Throw my heart out

On the stones

And I'm almost gone

"Justin." Brian started, unsure what to say. "That still doesn't explain what happened today."

"I'm getting there." Justin sighed and began again. "I'm only 17, but I've seen shit that might even rival your happy childhood, Brian." He noticed the wince that played across the older man's face. They were both haunted by memories they didn't want. It was the common bond they shared.

And now I'm dreaming

I'm staring at the walls

At cars all frozen now

In late night waterfalls

"I'll try to tell you everything that I can, but some things will be left out and that's not because I don't trust you because I really do." Justin was talking faster now, wanting to get everything out at once and not being sure where to begin. "I've learned that you're about the only person I can trust."

"Then, why not tell me everything?"

Justin paused and again looked at the cars that whizzed by below.

And through the water

Through the ring

To the soul of everything

Wash my heart out

On the stones

And I'm almost gone

"Because I don't remember."

Return to So Much Left to Learn