Phoenix
- 7 -
Justin packed up the car while Brian showered and got dressed. His ass was stinging from the workout it got the night before and Brian got hard just thinking about the way Justin fucked him. Quickly jerking himself off, Brian was ready to go by six forty-five. He was slipping on his shoes as Justin came in.
Smiling at his lover, “Good you’re ready! I grabbed some muffins, fruit, and juice from the buffet, we need to get on the road.”
“Whatever you say, Sunshine!”
Pressing a quick kiss to Brian’s lips, Justin caresses his lover’s tender ass, “You ok?”
Giving Justin his best ‘fuck you’ glare, “Just fine, Sunshine. Let’s go.”
Grabbing Justin’s hand, Brian pulls his young lover out the door.
***
Traveling north on 89A, Brian was again struck by the beauty of the southwestern state. Justin’s hand was resting lightly on his, moving only when he needed to shift gears. Brian liked the comfortable silence. He looked out to his right and took in all the lush green foliage.
“I still can’t believe how beautiful it is up here.” Justin looked over at his lover and smiled his “sunshine” smile. “I thought Arizona was all sand dunes and cactus.”
“I know, I thought the same thing. I had only been here a couple of times before to visit Michelle and always stayed in Phoenix. The first time I ventured north I was just as surprised. Did you know they have skiing here?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, there’s three ski areas, one in Flagstaff, one in Pinetop, and one down south at Mt. Lemon.”
“There’s skiing in Southern Arizona?”
“Yeah, even though it’s in the southern part of the state, the elevation is high enough. Jones and I went snowboarding last winter.”
Justin’s voice immediately trailed off, obviously remembering their aborted snowboarding trip to Vermont.
Brian resumed looking out the window. The two men were at a stalemate. Neither one willing to budge. Justin refused to talk about anything personal between the two of them and Brian’s fear of telling Justin that he loved him. The older man wondered who would budge first, if at all.
“So Sunshine, where are we headed?”
Thankful for the shift in topics, “Don’t you want to be surprised?”
“I’ve never been a big fan of surprises.”
Heaving a sigh, Justin decided to fill his lover in on their destination. “We’re driving to Williams, which is an old town about forty miles west of Flagstaff. We’re going to take a train to the Grand Canyon.”
“A train?”
“Yeah, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do since I moved here, but haven’t gotten around to it. Michelle says it is so cool. They rebuilt the old train tracks that used to transport people to the canyon in the early 1900’s. It’s about a two and a half hour trip and then you get three hours at the canyon before coming back. I’ve booked us a room at the Fray Marcos Hotel which is at the train depot.” Justin noticed Brian’s silence. “Does that sound ok, do you want to do something else.”
Reaching for Justin’s hand, “No, it sounds great. I’ve always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon.”
“Me too, it will be fun to see it together.”
Brian entwined their fingers as Justin continued driving.
***
They arrived at the depot at eight thirty. Justin went to pick up their tickets while Brian looked around the gift shop. Finding some fun “railroad” toys he could get for Gus, he made a mental note to stop in here when they got back.
Justin walked up behind him, “Are you ready?”
“Yup, I want to come back in here when we get back though. There’s some great things I want to get for Gus.”
Thrilled that Brian was behaving “fatherly” towards his son, Justin immediately complied.
Justin had booked them in the club car on Michelle’s recommendation. The train had higher class cars, but his aunt had assured him that this was the best way to experience the trip.
The two men sat side by side and pointed out different things they saw. Justin saw a family of deer and quickly showed Brian. The older man recognized the enthusiasm in the blonde artist. “Go ahead. Sunshine, I know you have your sketchbook. Go for it.”
Justin smiled at his lover and quickly pulled out the book and charcoals and began a visual journal of their trip. Brian was content to watch Justin draw. It had been so long. Watching the artist at work was one of the things he had taken for granted when Justin lived with him.
The journey was over much too quickly. After they departed the train, Justin was anxious to see the canyon. He yanked on Brian’s arm, pulling him up the stairs from the depot. Both men stopped dead in their tracks as the canyon came into view. In front of them was the most amazing sight either one had ever seen.
Words could not describe what they were seeing. Justin was trying to picture how he would capture the image before him on paper. Brian Kinney, advertising extraordinaire, was speechless. The two men walked the path along the South Rim in silence. The natural wonder before them was too awe-inspiring for them to speak.
The lovers found themselves at a scenic overlook that was off the main trail. Justin had migrated towards the edge and was overlooking the canyon. Walking up behind his lover, thankful for the privacy, Brian snaked his arms around Justin’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.
“Planning your next masterpiece, Sunshine?”
Justin remained silent for a few moments. Staring out at the most beautiful natural creations he had ever seen and feeling Brian’s heartbeat as he held him from behind, Justin decided to end the charade. He decided to ask the question that had been plaguing him since the day before and although he feared the answer, he had to know. “Why didn’t you ask about me?”
***
Brian tensed at Justin’s words. So the blonde artist was going to be the one to end the stalemate. Tightening his arms around the waist of the man he loved, Brian knew he was going to have to break his heart. His only hope was that when he was done, the younger man would let him put it back together.
“I didn’t want to know.” Justin started to pull out of his arms, but Brian held on tight. “Listen to me.”
At those words, Justin wanted to run. His biggest fear had been that Brian didn’t care enough about him to inquire about him after he left, but having it confirmed broke his heart. Brian held onto him tightly.
“The Rage Party went exactly as I planned. I wanted to push you away and you left.” He felt Justin shuddering in his arms and knew the younger man was crying, but he had to tell Justin everything. “I wanted my life back and you weren’t happy. You wanted things that I wouldn’t give you and you weren’t happy in my life. So you needed to go.”
Justin struggled out of Brian’s arms and turned to face him. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his eyes were blazing. “Fuck you, Brian! Why are we even here? Why did you come back to the bar if you wanted me gone and wanted your old life back?”
Brian grabbed Justin by the arms, careful to not bruise the younger man. “Please Justin, hear me out. If you still hate me when I’m finished that’s fine, but please hear me out.”
Justin stopped struggling, but the tears continued to stream down his cheeks. Brian wished he could stop them, but was powerless.
“I remember coming home from work the day you moved your stuff out. I walked into the loft and it was so cold and quiet. So empty. It was the way I used to like it. I remember looking around and thinking ‘where is his shit?’ Everything was so sterile and I hated it. I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life in letting you go. But I was Brian Kinney, for fuck’s sake. Brian Kinney doesn’t chase anyone, doesn’t love anyone. The only consolation that I had was that you were happy. You were with someone who would give you what you needed and tell you things you needed to hear. Things I wouldn’t do. When you came to me and asked to come back, I wanted nothing more than to take you in my arms and promise you the world, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m a coward, Justin. Don’t you know that? I was too afraid of giving you that power over me. If I let you back, let myself love you, what would you have done?”
“Loved you back.”
“I couldn’t take that chance.”
Justin’s eyes bored deep into Brian’s, “Walking away from you was the hardest thing I had ever done. But your ‘grand plan’ succeeded, you pushed me away. After that display at the Rage Party, I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from you as I could. I hated you that night. I had done everything I could think of to prove to you that I loved you, but it wasn’t enough. I thought I was happy with Ethan. I won’t lie to you, Brian. The romantic words and gestures meant a lot, until I learned they were bullshit too.”
“You never told me what happened with Ethan.”
“He cheated on me.”
“Justin, but I …”
“You never promised me monogamy, so I had no right to expect it from you, regardless of how I felt. He did. He told me that I was the only one he wanted to be with, and our first night apart he fucked some groupie.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s funny. What he did was worse than anything that you had ever done. Even though you did some shitty things, you never lied to me. I didn’t realize what a big deal that was until it was too late. All the romantic words and gestures were bullshit after he lied to me.”
“I’m going to ask you again, why did you leave town?”
Justin sighed. He figured Brian wouldn’t have bought his previous, lame excuse. “After I left Ethan, I needed some time to decompress. I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I turned a blind eye to everything you had done for me and determined that since you hadn’t told me that you loved me or wouldn’t participate in some lame ass floor picnic that you didn’t love me. I finally realized that you did, I just didn’t see it. So I got the job at Vanguard. I figured if we were in close proximity to each other you would remember that you liked having me around. That night I came to your office, I had stripped myself of what pride and dignity I had left. When you rejected me I realized that I couldn’t stay in Pittsburgh. The thought of seeing you killed me. I didn’t want to see you at the diner, I didn’t want to see you with the guys, I didn’t want to see you with tricks …” Brian grabbed Justin’s hand and entwined their fingers, “So, I left.”
Brian looked into his lover’s eyes and saw the raw stripped down man his beautiful baby had become. “So what happens now?”
“I don’t know.”