No Wonder

Part 7

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            For the next couple of days, Brian replayed his conversation with Debbie in his mind.  Are you too much of a coward to do it?  The problem was he didn’t know.  Loving Justin was not the problem, of that he was sure.  It was the fear that held him back.  Fear that he couldn’t sustain a relationship.  Fear that he would hurt Justin again.  There was also Gus, Jenny, and Daphne to consider.  If he took some sort of plunge with Justin, he would be dumped right in the middle of an existing family.  Justin, Daphne, and Jenny had been a family since the day Jenny was born. Brian didn’t know if he could or should intrude on that.  Could he handle such a big change? Sure he was raising Gus, but they were more like two bachelors living it up.  Well … not exactly, but their arrangement wasn’t a traditional family unit.

            Gus was another consideration.  Uprooting his son wasn’t a really good idea.  The only family Gus had ever known was here.  How could he take his son away from that?  There really seemed to be no solution.  Brian decided to mull it over a little longer, but deep down his mind was already made up.  There was no way for him and Justin to be together.

 

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            Sitting in the kitchen drinking his morning coffee, Justin was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Daphne come up behind him.

            “Good morning!”

            Justin was so startled, he spilled his coffee.  “Christ, Daph, you scared the shit out of me!”

            “I didn’t realize I needed to be so careful in my own house.”

            “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

            “About Brian?”

            “Yeah.  I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

            “Why not, I thought you were getting things cleared up.”

            “Yes and no.”

            “That’s an answer.”

            “Location, location, location.  Neither one of us is in any position to relocate.  That makes it a little bit hard on a relationship.”

            “Doesn’t Brian have business here?  I mean, I thought he was in town on business when he found you.”

            “Yeah, he does some of his business here, but his life is in Pittsburgh.  His family is there, it’s Gus’ home.”  Pausing, he chuckles softly.

            “What is so funny?”

            “I’m just remembering something my mom once told me.  She said she had to consider the needs of her entire family and not just my desires.  I remember feeling so betrayed by her when she told me that, but now, I finally understand it.  I need to think of you and Jenny, not just what I want and Brian has Gus to consider.”

            “Justin, I already told you …”

            “Daphne, don’t.  I appreciate that you would be willing to step aside in order for Brian and I to be together, but it’s not going to happen.  We are a family.  You’re the mom, I’m the dad, and we have a bratty seven year old.”

            A voice screamed from upstairs, “I heard that, Daddy.”

            The two parents laughed. Jenny was definitely their daughter.

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            Several days later, Brian was reading the paper when Gus came into the living room.

            “Hey, Sonny-boy!”

            “Hi, Dad.  When are Justin and Jenny coming back?”

            The question surprised Brian. He wasn’t expecting Gus to cling to Justin so quickly.  “I don’t know Gus.  It’s hard to travel back and forth between New York and Pittsburgh.”

            “Why can’t Justin and Jenny live here?”

            “Because Justin, Jenny, and Jenny’s mom live in New York.  That’s where they work and where Jenny goes to school.  Like I work here and you go to school here.”

            “Can we move to New York?”

            “Gus, would you really want to leave everyone here?  This is your home. Our family is here.”

            “Dad, it’s not like we would never see them. New York is not that far away from Pittsburgh.”

            “Gus, it’s not that easy.  You don’t just pick up and move on a whim, no matter how much you might want to.”

            “So are we just never gonna see them again?” Tears were welling up in the younger hazel eyes.

            Brian rolled his eyes. His son was almost as big of a drama princess as Justin.  “Of course, we’re going to see them again but we’re just not going to be together as a family.”          

            The tears were still in Gus’s eyes, but he nodded his understanding.

 

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            The next few weeks were extremely awkward.  The two men spoke almost daily on the phone, but their conversations were superficial.  No mention was made about their relationship or their future.  Their jobs and their kids usually dominated the phone calls. Both men were content to hide what they were feeling.  It was easier to not say anything than to risk exposing too much.

            One night after finishing his phone call with Brian, Justin came to a decision.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  His heart ached every time he spoke to Brian.  Sometimes he found himself wanting to pack everyone up and go back to Pittsburgh.  Knowing that was not an option, Justin decided it had to end.

            Daphne walked in from her overnight shift at the hospital and found Justin at the dining room table.  Tears streaked his cheeks and he looked like he hadn’t slept. 

            “What the hell happened to you?”

            Looking up with unshed tears in his eyes, “I have to end it with Brian.”

            “What the fuck are you talking about?”

            “Daph, I can’t do it like this.  Every time I talk to him, it breaks my heart.  We have this half relationship.  I can’t do it, it’s too hard.”

            “You are such a coward.  You sacrificed everything for Brian when you were seventeen.  You lived a life of hell, made yourself into a man that you can be proud of and now that you have the man you love back in your life, you’re going to throw it away because things aren’t going your way.  That is fucked up!”

            Daphne was met with blue eyes shooting sparks, “First of all, I never expected to have Brian back in my life.  I made my choices and I lived with them.  But now, it’s like a tease.  He’s so close, but I can’t reach him.  I’m a man now, not some seventeen year old with a crush.  I have a family to consider.”

            “Don’t make me your scapegoat.  I refuse to be your excuse for not taking a chance.”

            “What should I do, Daph?  Close up the galleries, pack up Jenny, and go back to Pittsburgh.  I hate that place.  I lost my parents and my sister there.  I had my heart broken there.  How could you possibly think I would even consider going back?”

            “Have you even talked to Brian about it?”

            “No, we avoid the topic because we both know it’s impossible.”

            “It’s only impossible if you make it impossible.”

            “Well, Miss Know-it-all, you tell me what to do.”

            Daphne just glared at her best friend, but she knew what she had to do.  Knowing that relocation would be hardest on Justin, she decided to pay Brian Kinney a visit.

 

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            Pulling her rental car up to Brian’s house, Daphne took a chance that he would be home on a Saturday.  Seeing a car in the driveway, Daphne assumed Brian was home.  Knocking sharply, Daphne was quickly standing face to face with Brian.

            “Daphne?  What are you doing here?  Is everything ok?”

            “I really don’t want to talk to you on the porch.  Can I come in?”

            Annoyed at how pushy the young woman could be, Brian just gestured her into the house.  Once inside the living room, Brian started questioning Daphne again.”

            “What are you doing here?”

            Ignoring his question, Daphne started looking around the house, “This is a really great place.”

            Pushing his tongue into his cheek and suppressing his temper, he questioned the young woman again, “Spill it, Daphne.”

            Staring the older man in the eyes, Daphne lit into him, “Do you realize how close you are to losing him?”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “I came home from work yesterday morning and found Justin in the dining room.  He had been up all night and was crying.  He told me he was going to end it.”

            “What the fuck?”

            “He can’t handle this long distance, half relationship you two seem to be in the middle of.  It’s breaking his heart Brian.”

            “Do you think it’s easy for me, either?”

            “I don’t know. Brian, you tell me.”

            “It’s killing me too.  However, neither one of us is in any position to do anything about it.”

            “That’s bullshit and you know it.  There’s a lot of reasons Justin can’t come back to Pittsburgh.  There’s a lot of history here that would make his life hell, and he would be throwing away all the success he has had.”

            “So I am supposed to uproot my life?”

            “He has valid reasons for not coming back here.  You have no valid reasons to go to New York except your own fear.”

            “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

            “I know for a fact that your last three clients came out of New York.  I can’t imagine that Pittsburgh has a wealth of authors and artists to really fuel your company.  You’ve exhausted Pittsburgh. Isn’t that why you came to New York in the first place?”

            All Brian could do was glare at her, so Daphne continued. “You could be an amazing success in New York.  I know your biological family is not a factor.  Your Liberty Avenue family would support you unconditionally.”

            “I can’t uproot my son.  This is the only home Gus has ever known.”

            “Gus wants to come to New York.”

            “Excuse me. How the fuck would you know that?”

            “He told Jenny.”

            “Jenny?”

            “Yeah, they talk all the time.  Haven’t you noticed your phone bills?”  Brian just shrugged.  “So the only thing is you.  Do you love him?”

            For a moment, Brian didn’t answer. Daphne just stared at him.  “Yes, I do.”

            “But you’re scared?”

            “Fuck you, Daphne. You don’t know the half of it.”

            “You are so fucking scared.  Scared to commit to someone, scared to try.  Well that’s fine, Brian.  But if you don’t do something, you’re going to lose him.”

            Daphne stood up, and walked out the front door.  All Brian could do was watch her leave.  Slumping down onto the couch, all Brian could do was think.

 

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            Justin and Daphne were hanging out at the house on a Saturday afternoon.  Daphne never told Justin about her trip to Pittsburgh.  Knowing her best friend would be very angry with her, she wisely kept her mouth shut.  There had been no contact between Brian and Justin in weeks.  Justin just stopped the phone calls and there was no reaction from Pittsburgh.  Wondering if Brian had given up, Daphne began to worry.

            “Have you talked to Brian lately?”

            “Daph, I told you I was ending things.”

            “Just like that?  You just cut him off?  How could you do that? That’s not fair to him.”

            Shouting at his best friend, “Daphne, it’s over!  He obviously …”

            Justin’s words were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.  Rising from the couch, Justin answered the door and found Brian and Gus standing there.

            “Hey Sunshine!  Do you think you can put us up while Gus and I look for a place here?”

            No words came from Justin. He just collapsed into Brian’s arms.

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