No Wonder

Part 6

************************************************************************

 

            Justin and Brian spent the next couple of days just enjoying New York.  They silently promised to not discuss the future just yet.  There were too many complications that neither man was ready to deal with.  Justin knew he couldn’t leave New York.  Too many commitments and obligations would keep him there.  Justin knew that Brian had strong ties to Pittsburgh and he wouldn’t ask the older man to dismiss those either.  They seemed to be at a détente, so they didn’t speak of it.

            Justin took Brian to all his favorite places in New York.  An entire day was spent exploring the museums.  They visited MOMA, the Met, and the Guggenheim.  Justin led Brian through the halls and rooms that were like home to him.  Sharing favorite artists and pieces with Brian allowed Justin to reveal his soul to the older man.  Justin was a little nervous to bring Brian here.  Ten years before Brian had never shown any interest in the things that inspired Justin.  Here in New York, things were different.  Brian was very attentive to everything Justin showed him.

            Their last afternoon together was spent in Central Park.  They shopped at FAO Schwartz to buy toys for the kids.  Brian insisted on having tea at the Plaza hotel and Justin confided he’s always loved the Plaza because of Kay Thompson’s Eloise stories.  Brian confessed he loved those books too and the lovers determined they had finally found a common OGT (obviously gay trait), except for fucking men.

            Strolling through the park, hand in hand held off the fear of the future.  Neither man wanted to broach the subject, but time was running out.  They returned to Justin and Daphne’s home just before dusk.  Daphne and Jenny were still upstate visiting her parents, so the two men had the opportunity to talk uninterrupted.

            “I have to go back tomorrow.”

            “I know.”

            Looking into Justin’s blue eyes, Brian was unsure how to continue.  “I don’t know where we stand or where we are going to go.  I don’t have a crystal ball to tell us our future.  However, before we move forward, there are some things I need to tell you.”

            Justin sat back, unsure about what he was going to hear.  Brian was never one to reveal his feelings.  The only thing Justin remembered was Brian lashing out in anger.  He decided to hear Brian out.

            “You know how I felt after our first time.  I had no intention of getting involved with you.”

            “I know.  You believed in fucking.  It was honest.  You get the maximum amount of pleasure with no bullshit.”

            “I see you learned well.  The thing is, I felt something different with you, right from the beginning.  You wouldn’t go away.  You challenged me.  You forced me to think about things that I wouldn’t have before.”

            “What kind of things?”

            Hesitating before he spoke, “I cared about you.  I worried about you.  I had never done that before.  Usually after I fucked a guy, I never thought about him again.  That first day, after I outed you to your school, I couldn’t get you out of my mind.  I felt bad about that morning.”

            “Yeah … well … I asked for it.  You didn’t have to drive me to school.”

            Looking at his lover, Brian continued, “I could have handled it better.  I knew that I was your first and I acted like an arrogant asshole when I dropped you off at school.  I didn’t have to behave the way I did.”

            Justin looked lovingly into the eyes of his lover.  “Yes, you did … because that was you.  It’s why I fell in love with you.  I had no illusions about you, Brian.  I just loved you … good … bad … ugly …”

            “Never ugly.”  Brian gave Justin a weary smirk.

            Justin smacked his lover on his arm, “you know what I mean.”

            “We’re digressing right now.  I need to get this out.  So can you not interrupt me?”

            “Ok.”

            “I felt something for you.  I got used to having you around.  I enjoyed the time we spent together.  I acted like an asshole when your mom brought me your stuff, but secretly, I was excited to have you live with me.”

            Cocking an incredulous eyebrow, “really, you sure didn’t show it.  I seem to remember watching a certain southern gentleman give you a blow job right in front of me.”

            Having the decency to look chagrinned, Brian pulled his lips into his mouth and looked down.  “I’m sorry, Brian. I shouldn’t have said that.”

            “No, you’re right.  I did treat you like shit when you lived with me.  It was only because I was scared.”

            “Scared?  What were you scared of?”

            “You.  You wanted me and I couldn’t figure out why.  Other people wanted my body, my money, but I could never figure out why you wanted me.  My parents never wanted me.  My friends and so called family only wanted what I could do for them.  You never did.  That scared me.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “I had spent twenty nine years being told I was worthless by my parents, until I had money, then my old man wanted me.  My friends loved to remind me what a selfish prick I was, but I sure was fun to party with.  So along comes a beautiful seventeen year old twink, from a good family, and he wants me.  All I could think about were the ulterior motives you must have.  Do you want to know why I never did love or boyfriends?  Because, if I never let anyone get too close then they couldn’t hurt me.  You were slipping dangerously under the wire.  I enjoyed fucking you, but I also enjoyed talking with you and spending time with you.  That was new for me and I freaked out.  No one just loved me for me. No one just loved me, needed me, yes, but to actually love me. No one, until you. Now you must see why it freaked me out. When you ran away, I was terrified. Yes, terrified. Terrified that I’d lost you and terrified that something would happen to you.  I was going to come after you, but then the ‘queer patrol’ caught up with me and laid into me big time.  Their anger and assumptions allowed me to slip back into ‘uncaring asshole mode.’  I had to save face, not show my vulnerablility. I let you go and have regretted it ever since.  My fear stopped me from ever trying to find out what happened to you.  I was afraid that if I did, you would hate me for abandoning you.  I wanted to remember you loving me and if I kept you locked up in my memories, you would always be that boy who adored me, not a man who hated me.”

            “I never hated you, Brian.  I was hurt. I won’t lie about that, but I never hated you.”

            Seeing the truth in Justin’s eyes gave Brian the courage to continue.  “After I lost you, I began to change.  Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.  I stopped tricking, doing drugs, and drinking to cover my pain.  I learned how to feel.  I learned how to love.  It was because of you that I could be a father to Gus.  Melanie and Lindsey even noticed the change.  Mel hated to admit it, but she and I eventually became friends.  Well … as close to friends as the two of us could be.  When they died, I cried for her as much as I cried for Lindsey.  The Liberty Avenue gang never accepted that I changed until I got custody of Gus.  They were shocked that I accepted the terms of Melanie and Lindsey’s will so easily.  I think they were all expecting that I would want to pawn Gus off on Lindsey’s parents or something.  The only one who didn’t accept it was Michael, but that’s not surprising.  As long as I was a selfish unfeeling asshole, Michael could hold out that I would eventually be his.  He could never accept that I gave my heart away years before.  I’m pretty sure that’s why he behaved the way he did that night at Debbie’s.”

            “I figured as much.  I had Michael’s number from that first night.  If I was in his shoes, I can understand why he was so anxious to tell you about my less than glorious past.  I just wish I had been the one to tell you.  Although, it’s probably a good thing that he did because I was seriously thinking about keeping it a secret.  I thought we could move forward without you knowing, but now I understand that we can’t.  We have to acknowledge the past, if we are going to have any kind of future.”

            “Do we have a future?”

            “We do, if we want one.  We can just go our own separate ways and live our own lives.  We’ve been doing it for ten years.  Or else, we can move forward together.  What do you want to do?”

            “It’s complicated, Sunshine.”

            “I know.  You have a life in Pittsburgh, I have one here.  We both have children to consider.  I also have Daphne to consider.  She is Jenny’s mother, legally, emotionally, and everything in between.  She would step aside if I asked her. In fact, she’s already offered, but I won’t do that to her.  She’s been there for me and for Jenny all along and she is a factor in whatever we decide.  That’s the problem with growing up, life becomes more complicated.”

            Brian nodded his agreement.  “I need to go back to Pittsburgh tomorrow.  I don’t have any answers or solutions to offer you right now, Justin.”

            “I know.  This is where we take it one day at a time and be thankful we live in the same time zone.”

            Laughing at that remark, Brian could only respond with his tongue-in-cheek smirk.  Justin leaned forward and kissed him, “We’ll figure it out.  I know we will.”

 

************************************************************************

 

            As soon as he got back to Pittsburgh, Brian headed over to Debbie’s.  He had left Gus with her and he wanted to talk to his “mother.”  Deb was home alone when he got to the house.  She informed him that Gus was spending the night at his best friend, Steve’s house.  Brian was grateful for the privacy.  Although Debbie laid into him pretty quick.

            “So Mr. Wonderful, what the fuck is going on?”

            “Geez, Debbie, I just came to pick up my kid.”

            “No, you didn’t.  Brian, I have known you for twenty five years, so don’t bullshit me.  You can start by explaining why Sunshine’s trip was cut short.  I distinctly remember the two of you mentioning that he would be here for a week, and he was gone within three days.”

            Hesitating before speaking, “Something came up in New York.”

            Debbie didn’t believe it for a second.  “Bullshit!  The truth, please.”

            Brian knew that he could never lie to Debbie.  “I’m going to tell you some things, but they need to stay between us.”  Looking at Debbie for acceptance, Brian continued, “Justin stayed in New York after he ran away.  His parents, well, his dad, wouldn’t let him come home.  His dad still didn’t want anything to do with him because he was gay.  He figured I didn’t care, so he stayed.  Unfortunately, life isn’t always kind.  He lived on the streets for almost two years … hustling.”  Debbie gasped at this admission, but wisely held her tongue.  “Anything you have to say to me couldn’t compare to the things I’ve already said to myself.  That is something he and I need to get through.  We’re working on it.  The problem is where we go from here.  His life is in New York.  His business is there.  Daphne works there.”

            “What does Daphne have to do with it?”

            “Jenny, Justin’s daughter … Daphne is her mother.”

            Debbie was shocked at this admission, “I don’t understand.”

            “Jenny was born to Justin’s sister Molly.  She died right after giving birth.  Justin and Daphne adopted her.  They are a family, and they live in New York.”

            “That doesn’t explain why Sunshine had to leave early.”

            Taking a deep breath and then letting out a long sigh, he continued, “Justin talked to Hunter the night we were here.  He took offense at the pot shots that Michael was taking at Hunter.  He decided to share their common experiences with the kid telling him to not allow other’s opinions to put him down.  He was telling him not to be ashamed of what he had to do to survive. Michael overheard them and couldn’t wait to tell me about Justin’s exploits.  I was still dealing with what I knew and what I thought about Justin’s past.  You’ve known me long enough to realize I didn’t handle that conversation very well.”  Debbie just snorted.  “We’ve worked that out … sort of … we’re still working on it.”

            “What are you going to do?”

            “I don’t know.  I can’t insist Justin leave New York, but my life is here.  We’re stuck.”

            Debbie looked at the man she loved like a son, “I’m not going to touch the Michael thing with a ten foot pole.  I think we both know what’s going on there.  However, didn’t you tell me most of Liberty Comic’s new business was coming from your dealings in New York?  In fact, I believe you told me that New York was going to be the future for your business.”

            “What are you getting at Deb?”

            “You could go to New York.  Michael can handle the Pittsburgh interests and you could develop New York.  The question is, are you too much of a coward to do it?”

Return to No Wonder