No Wonder
Part
6
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Justin and Brian spent the next couple of days just enjoying New
York. They silently promised
to not discuss the future just yet.
There were too many complications that neither man was ready to deal
with. Justin knew he couldnt
leave New York. Too many commitments
and obligations would keep him there.
Justin knew that Brian had strong ties to Pittsburgh and he wouldnt
ask the older man to dismiss those
either. They seemed to be at
a détente, so they didnt speak of it.
Justin took Brian to all his favorite places in New
York. An entire day was spent exploring the
museums. They visited MOMA,
the Met, and the Guggenheim.
Justin led Brian through the halls and rooms that were like home to
him. Sharing favorite artists and pieces with Brian allowed
Justin to reveal his soul to the older
man. Justin was a little nervous
to bring Brian here. Ten years
before Brian had never shown any interest in the things that inspired
Justin. Here in New York, things
were different. Brian was very attentive to everything Justin showed
him.
Their last afternoon together was spent in Central
Park. They shopped at FAO Schwartz to buy toys for the
kids. Brian insisted on having
tea at the Plaza hotel and Justin confided hes always loved the Plaza
because of Kay Thompsons Eloise
stories. Brian confessed he
loved those books too and the lovers determined they had finally found a
common OGT (obviously gay trait), except for fucking
men.
Strolling through the park, hand in hand held off the fear of the
future. Neither man wanted to
broach the subject, but time was running
out. They returned to Justin
and Daphnes home just before dusk.
Daphne and Jenny were still upstate visiting her parents, so the two
men had the opportunity to talk uninterrupted.
I have to go back tomorrow.
I know.
Looking into Justins blue eyes, Brian was unsure how to
continue. I dont
know where we stand or where we are going to
go. I dont have a crystal
ball to tell us our future.
However, before we move forward, there are some things I need to tell
you.
Justin sat back, unsure about what he was going to
hear. Brian was never one to reveal his
feelings. The only thing Justin
remembered was Brian lashing out in
anger. He decided to hear Brian
out.
You know how I felt after our first
time. I had no intention of
getting involved with you.
I know. You believed
in fucking. It was
honest. You get the maximum amount of pleasure with no
bullshit.
I see you learned well.
The thing is, I felt something different with you, right from the
beginning. You wouldnt
go away. You challenged
me. You forced me to think about things that I wouldnt
have before.
What kind of things?
Hesitating before he spoke, I cared about
you. I worried about
you. I had never done that
before. Usually after I fucked
a guy, I never thought about him again.
That first day, after I outed you to your school, I couldnt
get you out of my mind. I felt
bad about that morning.
Yeah
well
I asked for
it. You didnt have to
drive me to school.
Looking at his lover, Brian continued, I could have handled
it better. I knew that I was
your first and I acted like an arrogant asshole when I dropped you off at
school. I didnt have to
behave the way I did.
Justin looked lovingly into the eyes of his
lover. Yes, you did
because that was you. Its
why I fell in love with you. I
had no illusions about you, Brian.
I just loved you
good
bad
ugly
Never ugly.
Brian gave Justin a weary smirk.
Justin smacked his lover on his arm, you know what I
mean.
Were digressing right
now. I need to get this
out. So can you not interrupt
me?
Ok.
I felt something for you.
I got used to having you around.
I enjoyed the time we spent
together. I acted like an asshole
when your mom brought me your stuff, but secretly, I was excited to have
you live with me.
Cocking an incredulous eyebrow, really, you sure didnt
show it. I seem to remember
watching a certain southern gentleman give you a blow job right in front
of me.
Having the decency to look chagrinned, Brian pulled his lips into
his mouth and looked down.
Im sorry, Brian. I shouldnt have said
that.
No, youre right.
I did treat you like shit when you lived with
me. It was only because I was
scared.
Scared? What were
you scared of?
You. You wanted
me and I couldnt figure out why.
Other people wanted my body, my money, but I could never figure out
why you wanted
me. My parents
never wanted me. My friends
and so called family only wanted what I could do for
them. You never
did. That scared
me.
I dont understand.
I had spent twenty nine years being told I was worthless by
my parents, until I had money, then my old man wanted
me. My friends loved to remind
me what a selfish prick I was, but I sure was fun to party
with. So along comes a beautiful
seventeen year old twink, from a good family, and he wants
me. All I could think about
were the ulterior motives you must have.
Do you want to know why I never did love or
boyfriends? Because, if I never
let anyone get too close then they couldnt hurt
me. You were slipping dangerously
under the wire. I enjoyed fucking
you, but I also enjoyed talking with you and spending time with
you. That was new for me and
I freaked out. No one just loved
me for me. No one just loved me, needed me, yes, but to actually love me.
No one, until you. Now you must see why it freaked me out. When you ran away,
I was terrified. Yes, terrified. Terrified that Id lost you and terrified
that something would happen to you.
I was going to come after you, but then the queer patrol
caught up with me and laid into me big
time. Their anger and assumptions
allowed me to slip back into uncaring asshole
mode. I had to save face, not show my vulnerablility. I let
you go and have regretted it ever since.
My fear stopped me from ever trying to find out what happened to
you. I was afraid that if I
did, you would hate me for abandoning
you. I wanted to remember you
loving me and if I kept you locked up in my memories, you would always be
that boy who adored me, not a man who hated
me.
I never hated you, Brian.
I was hurt. I wont lie about that, but I never hated
you.
Seeing the truth in Justins eyes gave Brian the courage to
continue. After I lost
you, I began to change.
Dont get me wrong, it didnt happen overnight, but it did
happen. I stopped
tricking, doing drugs, and drinking to cover my
pain. I learned how to
feel. I learned how to
love. It was because of you
that I could be a father to Gus.
Melanie and Lindsey even noticed the
change. Mel hated to admit it,
but she and I eventually became friends.
Well
as close to friends as the two of us could
be. When they died, I cried
for her as much as I cried for Lindsey.
The Liberty Avenue gang never accepted that I changed until I got
custody of Gus. They were shocked
that I accepted the terms of Melanie and Lindseys will so
easily. I think they were all
expecting that I would want to pawn Gus off on Lindseys parents or
something. The only one who
didnt accept it was Michael, but thats not
surprising. As long as I was
a selfish unfeeling asshole, Michael could hold out that I would eventually
be his. He could never accept
that I gave my heart away years before.
Im pretty sure thats why he behaved the way he did that
night at Debbies.
I figured as much. I
had Michaels number from that first
night. If I was in his shoes,
I can understand why he was so anxious to tell you about my less than glorious
past. I just wish I had been
the one to tell you. Although,
its probably a good thing that he did because I was seriously thinking
about keeping it a secret. I
thought we could move forward without you knowing, but now I understand that
we cant. We have to
acknowledge the past, if we are going to have any kind of
future.
Do we have a future?
We do, if we want one.
We can just go our own separate ways and live our own
lives. Weve been doing
it for ten years. Or else, we
can move forward together. What
do you want to do?
Its complicated,
Sunshine.
I know. You have
a life in Pittsburgh, I have one here.
We both have children to
consider. I also have Daphne
to consider. She is Jennys
mother, legally, emotionally, and everything in
between. She would step aside if I asked her. In fact, shes
already offered, but I wont do that to
her. Shes been there for
me and for Jenny all along and she is a factor in whatever we
decide. Thats the problem
with growing up, life becomes more
complicated.
Brian nodded his agreement.
I need to go back to Pittsburgh
tomorrow. I dont have
any answers or solutions to offer you right now,
Justin.
I know. This is
where we take it one day at a time and be thankful we live in the same time
zone.
Laughing at that remark, Brian could only respond with his tongue-in-cheek
smirk. Justin leaned forward
and kissed him, Well figure it
out. I know we
will.
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As soon as he got back to Pittsburgh, Brian headed over to
Debbies. He had left Gus
with her and he wanted to talk to his
mother. Deb was
home alone when he got to the house.
She informed him that Gus was spending the night at his best friend,
Steves house. Brian was
grateful for the privacy. Although
Debbie laid into him pretty quick.
So Mr. Wonderful, what the fuck is going
on?
Geez, Debbie, I just came to pick up my
kid.
No, you didnt.
Brian, I have known you for twenty five years, so dont bullshit
me. You can start by explaining
why Sunshines trip was cut short.
I distinctly remember the two of you mentioning that he would be here
for a week, and he was gone within three
days.
Hesitating before speaking, Something came up in New
York.
Debbie didnt believe it for a
second.
Bullshit! The truth,
please.
Brian knew that he could never lie to
Debbie. Im going
to tell you some things, but they need to stay between
us. Looking at Debbie
for acceptance, Brian continued, Justin stayed in New York after he
ran away. His parents, well,
his dad, wouldnt let him come
home. His dad still didnt
want anything to do with him because he was
gay. He figured I didnt
care, so he stayed. Unfortunately,
life isnt always kind. He
lived on the streets for almost two years
hustling. Debbie gasped
at this admission, but wisely held her
tongue. Anything you have
to say to me couldnt compare to the things Ive already said to
myself. That is something he
and I need to get through.
Were working on it.
The problem is where we go from
here. His life is in New
York. His business is
there. Daphne works
there.
What does Daphne have to do with
it?
Jenny, Justins daughter
Daphne is her
mother.
Debbie was shocked at this admission, I dont
understand.
Jenny was born to Justins sister
Molly. She died right after
giving birth. Justin and Daphne
adopted her. They are a family,
and they live in New York.
That doesnt explain why Sunshine had to leave
early.
Taking a deep breath and then letting out a long sigh, he continued,
Justin talked to Hunter the night we were
here. He took offense at the
pot shots that Michael was taking at
Hunter. He decided to share
their common experiences with the kid telling him to not allow others
opinions to put him down. He
was telling him not to be ashamed of what he had to do to survive. Michael
overheard them and couldnt wait to tell me about Justins
exploits. I was still dealing
with what I knew and what I thought about Justins
past. Youve known me long
enough to realize I didnt handle that conversation very
well. Debbie just
snorted. Weve worked
that out
sort of
were still working on
it.
What are you going to do?
I dont know. I
cant insist Justin leave New York, but my life is
here. Were
stuck.
Debbie looked at the man she loved like a son, Im not
going to touch the Michael thing with a ten foot
pole. I think we both know
whats going on there.
However, didnt you tell me most of Liberty Comics new
business was coming from your dealings in New
York? In fact, I believe you
told me that New York was going to be the future for your
business.
What are you getting at Deb?
You could go to New York.
Michael can handle the Pittsburgh interests and you could develop
New York. The question is, are
you too much of a coward to do it?
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