No Wonder

Part 5

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     Justin stared at Brian, not believing the man was standing on his doorstep. He didn't know what to think. After their last conversation, Justin didn't think he would ever see Brian again. The man standing before him looked like Brian, but he was different somehow. He looked vulnerable … scared.

     "Umm … can I come in?"

     Justin was jolted out of his thoughts, "Sure."

     He led the older man into the brownstone. Neither one knew where to start or what to say. Leading Brian into the living room, Justin gestured for Brian to sit down. The older man complied, but wouldn't look Justin in the eyes. Justin feared he was in for another verbal assault from Brian.

     "Would you like something to drink?"

     "Sure, some water."

     Justin nodded and went to the kitchen. On his return he handed Brian a bottle of water.  "Bri, before you say anything, there's something I want to say."

     "Justin …"

     "No, please, I need to say this. I am sorry for the things I said to you. Comparing your sex life to what I did was inexcusable. You enjoying sex with men is nothing compared to being a whore and it was wrong of me to do that. There's nothing I can say to excuse it, but I was just lashing out. I was so surprised to have you learn the truth from someone else that I didn't think. I just reacted. It was wrong and I am sorry."

     Brian only nodded. Justin had no idea what to make of that so he remained silent. It was several minutes before Brian finally spoke. "Justin, there are a lot of things I need to say. Please don't interrupt me until I'm finished."

     Brian's eyes pleaded to Justin for understanding. "First of all, I don't think of you as a whore. I never did. I was shocked. You see, whenever I would think about you over the last ten years, I believed that you had made nice with your parents. I had this illusion that you went to college and continued living the privileged life you had before you ever came down to Liberty Avenue. That was my illusion. As long as I had that I could bury the guilt that I felt. If I believed you were ok, I wouldn't have to feel guilty about cutting you loose. I wouldn't have to feel guilty that bad things might have happened to you. You gave me a glimpse into your life the last time I was here, but I was able to brush it aside because you just glossed over the `unsavory' aspects of the past. Having Michael confirm what I feared sent me for a loop. I never wanted you to be exposed to the life you ended up living. However, my stubbornness forced you into that life. You would have been better off if you had never met me."

     Justin decided it was time to speak. "No Brian, I would not have been better off if I hadn't met you. I fell in love with you the first night I met you. I know you don't believe in love, but I do. Those few months we had together sustained me for ten years. Even though it was brief, I had a great love affair. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. As far as me ending up on the streets and hustling … you didn't make me do that. I could have gone back home. It would have been really easy to suck it up and deny myself to my father for a few years. But you taught me something the day you took me to my parents and they gave me their rules. You said that wasn't love, it was hate. You were right. If they loved me like they should have, they would accept me as I was. As I am…But they didn't … they couldn't. Am I proud of the fact that I had to hustle to make money? No. Am I ashamed? No. You taught me to be true to myself. That's what I did. Did I have some rough times? Sure, but they're my experiences. It's my past and it's my reality. It's not for you to blame yourself. It's not for you to shoulder. It's mine and mine alone. You don't have that kind of power. I made my own choices. Choices that I have had to live with and I have. I've made a pretty good life for myself, a life that I can be proud of. I have a daughter who I love more than life itself. I have a career that I am very proud of. I see you sitting here, buried by your guilt. Do you need my forgiveness? You shouldn't, but if you need it, you have it. I'm sorry if you've been living with this guilt for the last ten years. I honestly thought you would have never given me a second thought, but I know now that you have. I am so sorry you've had to live with this. I wish I had known. Maybe I could have spared you some of that. I don't know. But let me tell you this Brian Kinney … I have no room in my life for dwelling in the past. I will not waste time tormenting myself about things I can't change, trying to recapture years that are gone forever. I don't know what you need, but taking trips down memory lane to reconcile a past that can't be changed is not a part of my plan."

     Brian had not taken his eyes off Justin during his entire monologue. "So where do we go from here?"

     "I don't know. Forward? Do you even want to? If you need to reconcile the past, I can't help you. I won't do it. I'll move forward with you if that's what you want. However, if you want to relive the past, you'll have to do it alone."

     Brian didn't know what to say. Having Justin absolve him of the past was something he wasn't expecting. He expected the younger man to rage on about what a selfish prick he had been. He expected to be attacked about everything. To have Justin remove that responsibility from his shoulders humbled him.

     "Justin, I don't know what to say. I wish I could just wipe away the guilt and move on, but I don't know if I can. I know I always told you no excuses, no apologies and no regrets, but I have plenty of them. No matter what you say, you cannot deny that your life would have been very different if I had not come along. You are the first person whose life I affected by my own stubborn, cowardly actions. That's why I never got involved with anyone. I wanted no responsibility for anyone but myself. Then you came along and all my rules went to shit. Then you were gone and I thought my life could go back the way it was. The problem was I had changed. You had changed me. Suddenly, the life I had before didn't satisfy me. I didn't want it anymore. Then Melanie and Lindsey died and I was forced to grow up and be a father to Gus. Luckily, the short time I had spent with you helped to prepare me for being a father. You challenged me and I remembered all the things you taught me. Remarkably, I think I'm doing okay as a father."

     "I think you're doing better than okay. Gus adores you. He is a well loved, well adjusted little boy. He couldn't have gotten there by himself."

     "Thanks, I have had a lot of help." Justin's praise meant the world to him. "As far as moving forward, I can try. I can't promise that I can forget the guilt completely, but I can try. I want to try."

     Reaching out his hand and Justin led Brian upstairs.

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     Their kisses were tentative at first. They hadn't had a taste of each other in ten years. Both men wanted to savor the moment. It was like they were afraid the other one would disappear. They were afraid this would be the only moment they would have, and they didn't want to rush it.  Brian brushed Justin's hair away from his face. It was longer than he remembered and it felt like golden silk. He began to lightly kiss the blue eyes that had haunted his dreams. He slowly rained kisses down the porcelain skin until he reached Justin's full lips. He had memorized every aspect of Justin's lips when they had been together. Brian had kissed thousands of men, but he remembered none of them save one. He gently offered his tongue between the full plump lips and found it welcomed inside. Justin began to suckle his tongue. Brian found the motions extremely erotic. He used his tongue to explore every nuance of Justin's mouth.

     Snaking his arms around Brian's waist Justin pulled Brian closer. He could feel Brian's erection straining against his jeans. The tip lightly touched his own. Sliding his hands from Justin's face, Brian slowly began to unbutton the white oxford Justin was wearing. Their lips never leaving each other, Brian finished unbuttoning the shirt and slowly slid it from Justin's shoulders. He moved his hands over the artist's soft skin. His hands lightly caressed Justin's chest and found the gold nipple ring that had been there so many years ago. Brian gently pulled away from Justin's lips. He looked down at Justin's chest and leaned to lightly lick his nipples. He gently suckling the soft bud until it hardened, he grazed the hardened bud with his teeth until Justin gasped. Justin lifted Brian's face to look at him. He wasn't sure what he saw in the other man's eyes, but it looked like love.

     Never breaking eye contact, Justin began to unbutton Brian's jeans. He slid the pants down Brian's slim hips and his cock sprung free, grateful to be released from its denim trap. Justin looked down at Brian's cock like it was an old friend. No matter how many cocks he had sucked in the last ten years, no one compared to Brian. Justin fell to his knees and Brian's erection was at eye level. Brian's hands ran through the golden silk gently pulling Justin's head towards his straining erection. Justin saw the pre-cum bubbling from the tip. His tongue licked at the tip and Brian groaned.Justin's lips encircled the head of Brian's dick. He sucked and sipped at the tip and felt Brian tug at his hair. He slid his lips further down Brian's shaft until Brian's cock hit the back of his throat. At that second, Brian's primal urge took over and he began to thrust into Justin's throat. Justin's sucking matched Brian's thrust and the older man wasn't able to hold on very long. Soon he was cumming and shooting down the blonde's throat. Justin swallowed every drop. When he rose back up to kiss Brian, he could taste himself on his lover's lips.

     Brian pushed Justin back onto the bed and began to remove the blonde's pants. Justin's rock hard erection stood between them. Brian began to move down and return the pleasure Justin had just given him. Justin's hands stopped Brian's descent.

     "No."

     "No?"

     "I want to cum with you inside me. Please Brian, it's been so long."

     Brian looked into the blue eyes of his lover. Pressing a condom and a tube of lube into Brian's hands, his need was so strong. He wanted, no, craved to feel Brian inside him. No matter how many tricks he had done, he never let anyone inside of him. That was reserved for Brian and Brian alone.  Brian saw the determination in Justin's eyes. He quickly sheathed his dick and raised Justin's legs onto his shoulders. He gently lubed Justin's tight hole. The artist gasped from the cold gel.

     "It'll heat up." Both men smiled at the words, originally spoken so long ago.

     "Just go slow … it's been a long time."

     Those words broke through Brian's sensual haze. He was afraid of the answer, but he asked the question anyway. "How long?"

     "Ten years."

     Brian felt tears well up in his eyes. Justin had waited for him. He had kept something sacred for just the two of them. His voice could form no words, all he could do was nod. He positioned his dick at Justin's lubed hole and gently pressed inside. He pushed through the second ring of muscle and felt his cock graze Justin's prostate. The artist gasped from the pain. Brian embedded himself fully and then waited while Justin adjusted to the intrusion. When he felt the blonde relax, he slowly withdrew and then gently slid back inside. Each withdrawal was quicker than the one before. Soon Brian was thrusting in and out of Justin with reckless abandon. The younger man met each of his thrusts beat for beat. They were quickly back into their old rhythm. It was familiar yet different at the same time. Both men spasmed and came at the same time.

     Brian screamed, "I love you!"

     Justin had no words and could only moan. Brian collapsed his full weight onto his lover, remaining embedded inside Justin for a few minutes. His entire body weight was lying on the smaller man. As soon as Brian could think clearly, he rolled off of Justin.

     "Brian … no."

     "Baby, I'm too heavy for you."

      "No, you're perfect."

     Brian rolled onto his side and gazed at his lover. He didn't think it was possible, but Justin looked more beautiful than he ever had before. Brian quickly disposed of the used condom and gathered Justin into his arms. For the first time in ten years, his sleep was not plagued by nightmares. It was peaceful … it was perfect.

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     Brian awoke the next morning and began to worry that the night before had been a dream. Realizing the blonde wrapped around him was not a figment of his imagination, he relaxed. Justin was still sound asleep. Brian took advantage of the situation and stared at his lover. Justin was as beautiful as he had been ten years ago. All the ugliness and realities of life that he had faced had not tarnished him at all. Brian knew that Justin had been affected by the harsh realities of life, but he had somehow retained his youthful innocence.

     Justin began to stir and stretch. His eyes opened and he found Brian staring down at him.  "Good morning Sunshine."

     "Mmmm, morning." Justin gave his lover a sleepy smile.

     Brian leaned down and stole a kiss.  "We'd better get up before Hurricane Jenny finds us."

     Quickly getting out of bed, Justin pulled on some sweats. Brian reluctantly followed his lover. He knew they had a lot to discuss, but he was willing to wait.  The two men headed downstairs and found Jenny and Daphne having breakfast. Daphne flashed the men a knowing smile. She placed two cups of coffee in front of the two lovers. Jenny started talking a mile a minute. She was happy to see Brian and hugged him tightly having Justin's exuberance. Daphne announced that she and Jenny were going to visit her parents upstate for the weekend. Knowing this was her way of giving him and Brian some alone time, he gave her a grateful smile.

     Brian felt like he was on the outside of a family. Justin, Daphne and Jenny were truly a family. Suddenly, he felt like an intruder. His plan had been to convince Justin and Jenny to move to Pittsburgh, but now he knew that wasn't an option.  Justin felt Brian's silent retreat. He chose to ignore it until Daph and Jenny were gone. Within two hours, the girls were packed and on their way. Brian and Justin settled in the livingroom. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

     "Brian?"

     "Yeah."

     "I love you."

     Brian looked at him, "I know. Me too."

     Justin beamed. That was the closest Brian Kinney had ever come to expressing his feelings outside of the bedroom. "I can't go back. I can't leave New York."

     "I know."

     "So what are we going to do?"

     Brian looked at Justin, "I don't know."           

 

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