No Wonder

Part 2

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            Justin watched the door for several minutes after Brian left.  He didn’t even hear Daphne come up behind him.  She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulders.  She spoke softly in his ear, but her words and her meaning was clear. “Before you make any decisions based on an unresolved crush or teenaged memories, I want you to remember how far you’ve come to get where you are, and remember, a large part of what you had to overcome was because of him.”

            “Daph, I …”

            Daphne led Justin over to the couch, and the two old friends sat across from each other.  Daphne knew that a little bit of tough love was in order.  Justin had never been rational when it came to Brian Kinney.  She knew her best friend, sometimes better than he knew himself, and right now, he was being overly romantic about the older man.  She didn’t want to completely derail the fact that Brian and Justin might have a future, but she knew the two men would have a long road and a lot of obstacles to get over in order to get to the other side.  Without interference, Justin would gloss over everything that had happened to him because of Brian.  She wasn’t going to crucify the older man, Justin certainly had his part in the whole situation, but Justin would gloss over all of that just to be in Brian’s arms again.  That led Daphne to Brian.  She didn’t spend a lot of time with Brian during the time he had been with Justin, but she had inferred a lot about the other man.  She knew that unless Brian was forced to deal with the past, he would gloss over it too.  She figured out a lot about Brian Kinney over the years.  Between what she learned from Justin and the clinical psychology classes she had taken, she knew the man would never express feelings or emotions unless he had to.  He would jump back into a relationship with Justin without facing the past.  She knew both men would want to take the easy road, and while that may prove good at first, it would end disastrously.

            “Justin, I know that you love Brian, or at least the idea of Brian.  He was your first, and that is always important in someone’s life.  But let’s be honest here, you knew nothing about him.  Sure you learned some things about him in the time you spent together, but you didn’t have enough time to truly develop a real relationship.”

            “Fuck you, Daphne!”

            “Shut up and listen to me. I am your best friend and I love you, but I’m not going to sugar coat the realities of the situation, of the past, like I’m sure you did to Brian.  I’m sure you gave the ‘sugar coated’ version of your early New York days.  I know you and you would never tell him the truth.  You wouldn’t want him to feel guilty about what happened and you wouldn’t want his pity.  He did some shitty things, you did some stupid things, and unless you admit them and work through it, you two will have a relationship based on illusions. It won’t be real.  Sure, you’ll have some great sex and a lot of fun, but that will pass.  What will you tell him about the nightmares? Will you sleep alone so you won’t wake him up with your screams?  You need to face the past and so does he.”

            “Daphne, you don’t understand …”

            “What don’t I understand?  Have I said anything that is not true?”

            “No, but Brian hasn’t had it easy either.  He lost his job at the agency, Melanie and Lindsey are dead, and he is raising Gus alone.  He told me he regretted never going after me, that he has been haunted by it, and by me for ten years.  Did you know that Melanie and Lindsey died the same night, in the same hospital that Jenny was born at?”

            Daphne didn’t know how to respond, “No I didn’t.”

            “So don’t talk about things you don’t understand.”

            “Bullshit Justin, all of that just makes your situation more complicated.  Not only do you have your ten years to work through, you have his as well.  All I am saying is don’t take the easy way out.”

            “The easy way?  You think this is easy?”

            “The easy way is by you not being honest with Brian about what your life has been like.  The easy way is by Brian not being honest with you about what his life has been like.  You can go ahead, jump back into each other’s bed, and pretend nothing ever happened, but it will be a disaster.”

            Justin started to get up from the couch, Daphne stopped him, and got up to get a book from the shelf, “Before you run away, I want you to listen to something.”  Daphne opened up the book she had pulled down, and began to read,

“ ‘Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.’

You were the first person who ever read this to me.  Do you remember?  It was when I was in my first year of medical school and I was going to chuck it away because it was too hard.  You wouldn’t let me take the easy way out, and I am not going to let you do it either.”

            Justin’s face lost the hard edge it had taken on; he nodded to Daphne and hugged her before heading upstairs.

 

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            Justin lay down on his bed, and finally let the tears he had been holding inside fall.  He knew that Daphne was right; he and Brian had no chance for a future until they could face the past.  Justin didn’t know if he could do it.  He had barely faced the past himself, he wasn’t sure if he could share it with Brian.  Damn, Daphne knew him too well.  He knew it was a mistake encouraging her to pursue her minor in psychology. It was coming back to bite him in the ass.  How could he tell Brian the truth?  Sure in some ways he blamed Brian, who wouldn’t?  But in moments of clarity, it was his own stupidity about his relationship with Brian that put him where he was.  He knew relationship wasn’t even the right word.  All they had done, really, was fuck a few times, and Justin thought it was more.  He pushed that on Brian. Hell, he was still pushing when he took off for New York with Brian’s credit card.  At the time, he wanted to believe that Brian took him in because he cared, but in reality Brian had been pushed into it by his mother.  He knew Brian felt guilty about his father’s ultimatum and that was why Justin ended up living in Brian’s loft.  Justin was hoping for the fairy tale. He was looking for the happy ending that would never come.

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New York City – 10 years earlier

 

            Justin was still holed up in the hotel room he had checked into after he arrived.  He knew he was waiting for Brian to come and get him, but it had been three days, and no one came.  There was a knock at his door.  Justin went to answer it and found the hotel manager.

            “Mr. Taylor, we have been informed that the credit card you used when you checked in has been cancelled.  The current charges will be covered, but no additional charges will be authorized.  So unless you have an alternate form of payment, you will need to check out.”

            Justin felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “I will check out today, sir.”

            The manager looked at him with sad eyes. He had a feeling this kid was in trouble, but there were limits to what he could do.  He just nodded to the young man and left.

            Justin looked around the room.  He slowly packed his small bag and prepared to leave.  Before leaving the room, he decided to place a call to his parents, maybe, just maybe they would be able to understand.  He used his calling card since no other charges would be placed to the room.  His dad answered the phone.

            “Hello Dad?”

            “Justin?”

            “Yeah.”

            “What do you want?”

            “I wanted to know if I could move back home?”

            “Are you still a fag?”

            Justin held back a second, “I’m gay dad, that’s not going to change.”

            “Well, until you get over this ‘phase’ you are not welcome in this home.”  Before Justin could respond, his father had hung up.  Justin held back his tears and contemplated his next move.

            He had two hundred dollars that he had saved, but he knew that wouldn’t get him far in New York.  He decided he would try and sell some sketches in Central Park.  Maybe, he could earn enough to rent a room or something.

 

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            Three weeks later, Justin was barely surviving.  He could earn enough from his sketches to eat, but he found himself sleeping on the streets.  There were secluded spots in Central Park he could sleep.  He was hassled a little bit and a couple guys tried to rough him up, but he was able to hold his own.  He got into a couple of fights, but nothing major.  Justin knew he was going to have to figure something out.

            He’d been in contact with Daphne.  She freaked out on him when she found out he wasn’t coming home.  She was cursing Brian when she found out he didn’t come after Justin, and she was shocked when Justin related the phone call to his father.  Daphne wanted Justin to come home and stay with her family, but he refused.  He was going to take care of himself and somehow make it work.

            One afternoon, about three weeks later, Justin found himself by the docks.  He was wandering around aimlessly when he was approached by a young man about his age. 

            “Hey, what’s up?”

            Justin looked at the young man skeptically, “Excuse me?”

            “I was just making conversation. No reason to get skittish.”

            “Sorry, I haven’t been in the city too long.”

            “That’s ok, I was the same way.  I’m James, by the way.”

            “Justin.”

            “It’s nice to meet you.  So, you living on the streets?”

            Justin felt a blush creep onto his cheeks, “Umm, yeah.”

            “How have you been making money?”

            “Drawing, I’m an artist.”

            “Making any money?”

            “Just enough to eat, I sleep in the park a lot.”

            “Yeah, I tried doing that.  I play the sax, and I thought I would be able to make enough money doing that, but it didn’t work out that way.”

            “So what did you do?”

            “I started hustling.”

            Justin felt bile rise in his throat. “I don’t think I could do that.”

            “Justin, I thought the same thing, but you do what you have to.  I make enough money for a small apartment.  It’s honest work.  I can show you the ropes.”

            “I don’t know …”

            “Look Justin, I’ve been where you are.  I’ve slept on the streets and tried to make it with art, but it doesn’t work.  The hustling, it’s hard to accept, but you are always the one in control.  You run every interaction, you provide the condom, and you set the rules.”

            “Does it ever get out of hand?”

            “I’ll be honest with you, sometimes it can.  I’ve been roughed up a few times, but never too bad.  It’s still better than being on the streets.  Look, you can stay with me, help with expenses, and I’ll help you out.  I know it’s not something you ever planned on doing, but life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.”

            Thus began Justin Taylor’s career as a hustler.  He lied to Brian, he never worked in any of the clubs, he made his money hustling.  Justin knew if he told Brian that, the man would never look at him the same way again.  He figured by sugar coating the truth, Brian might be able to forgive him.  Maybe, if Brian thought Justin only hustled occasionally, he would be able to forgive him.

            James was true to his word, and showed Justin the ropes.  He showed him what areas were better, places you would meet people looking for a little pleasure.  Justin found himself in some precarious situations a few times.  He was roughed up sometimes, but nothing too serious.  James was adamant about condoms and regular testing.  It wasn’t the life he pictured, but he was surviving.  He had a roof over his head and food to eat.  He still spent his days drawing in Central Park.  He had some good days where he could make some money.  His nights were spent hustling.  Most of the time, it was like James said, people looking for a little pleasure.  Sometimes, he would pick someone up that was into rougher stuff, but James taught him how to handle that.  James was a big believer in self defense.  He belonged to a gym and would take Justin with him.  Soon Justin was able to handle any rough stuff that came his way.

            Justin kept in touch with Pittsburgh.  He and Daphne were in constant contact.  He threatened to cut off contact if she told anyone anything about him.  He refused to let her come to New York.  She was constantly bugging him to let her come and visit.  Justin wouldn’t allow it.  He didn’t want her to see how he was living.  He knew that Daphne loved him and would never judge him, but he was still embarrassed to let her know he was making his living as a hustler.

            Justin was also in contact with Molly.  Daphne had told him his little sister was devastated when Justin went away.  He and Daphne devised ways for Justin to contact Molly.  Daphne set her up with an e-mail account through Daph’s internet provider.  They didn’t want to risk Craig or Jennifer finding out their daughter was in contact with Justin.  They also talked on the phone whenever they could.

            The shit hit the fan when Daphne arrived in New York to go to college.

 

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            Justin clutched his knees to his chest as he cried.  How could he ever tell Brian he had been a whore?  Brian would never forgive him.  That was one thing Brian had scruples about.  He never paid for sex, and he felt disdain for those who had.  Justin had tested the waters by telling Brian he hustled occasionally.  Brian had been furious, but Justin quickly downplayed the truth and the older man had accepted it.  How would Brian react if he had ever learned the truth?  He would never look at Justin the same way again.

            Justin decided he could never tell Brian the truth.  He figured he could bluff Daphne and skate around Brian.  Deep down, he knew he would never be able to pull it off, but he could fool himself for a while.

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Ten Years earlier

 

            Daphne knew that Justin was not being honest with her.  The fact that Justin would not allow her to visit spoke volumes.  Daphne decided she would apply to Columbia.  They had a great pre-med program and she would be able to find out what was going on with Justin.

            She knew that Justin was shocked when she told him that she would be attending Columbia.  Going with her instincts, she convinced her parents to let her get an apartment instead of living in the dorms.  She knew he was lying about how things were going in New York.  Justin claimed he was making money by selling his art, and doing great.  Daphne didn’t doubt Justin’s talent, but she knew there was no way he was supporting himself by selling his art in Central Park.

            Daphne arrived in New York two weeks ahead of schedule.  She tracked Justin down and saw him hustling on the streets.  She was devastated that her friend had to resort to selling his body for money.  One night, she finally confronted him.  He was alone on the corner she had seen him working.

            “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

            Justin whirled around, “Daph?!?  What are you doing here?”

            “You don’t really think I’ve believed all the shit you’ve been dishing out over the last year.  I have to say, I never thought I would find yourself peddling your ass on a street corner.”

            Justin was visibly angry. “What choice did I have?  Brian didn’t want me. My parents didn’t want me. It’s called survival, Daph.”

            “Well, it stops now!”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “I knew you were bullshitting me, so I convinced my parents I needed to live in an apartment rather than a dorm.  You’re moving in with me ASAP and you’re going to find a real job.  With all the galleries in this city, you can find something. The majority of our living expenses will be covered.  My parents don’t know anything about this. It will be between you and me.  I know you, Justin. I know this is killing you.  Please, we’ll work it out … together.”

            Justin looked into Daphne’s eyes. He saw the love his best friend had for him and he just broke down.  He collapsed into her arms and just cried.  Daphne just held him until he was all cried out.  He moved in with Daphne that day.  He explained it to James and his friend understood.  Justin promised James, when the opportunity arose, he would get James off the street.  Justin never forgot James and the two remained friends.

 

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To: jtaylor@taylorgalleries.com

From: bkinney@libertycomics.com

Subject: Hey

            This is kind of weird.  To be talking to you after so long.  Today was a pretty shitty day.  Two of our writers missed a deadline.  Everything always goes to shit when that happens.  It throws everything off.  Mikey is good about a lot of areas in this business, but when people are missing their deadlines, he is useless.  I always have to be the bad guy in this situation, but I guess I am the best at it.

            How’s the Big Apple?  How are my girls?

 

Love,

Brian

 

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To: bkinney@libertycomics.com

From: jtaylor@taylorgalleries.com

Subject Re: Hey

            Well in every situation, someone has to be the bad guy.  Not to insult you, but you are definitely the better candidate.  You can separate business from emotions, that’s an important trait.

            The Big Apple is fine, the girls are fine.

 

J

 

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            “Justin Taylor.”

            “Hey.”

            “Hey Brian, what’s up?”

            “Does something have to be up for me to call you?”

            “I guess not.”

            Brian paused before answering, he pinched the bridge of his nose.  This was Justin’s idea to “keep in touch, become friends”, “Is something wrong?”

            “No.”

            “Well, I feel like I’m pulling teeth to get anything out of you.  I thought you wanted to become friends?”

            “I’m sorry, I do.  It’s just weird, you know.”

            “Yeah, I know.”

            “There’s an ocean between us, Brian. I guess I just wonder if there’s any way across it.”

            Brian was silent for a moment, “Only if we want there to be.”

            “I do, Brian, it’s just hard.”

            “I know.”

 

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            Correspondence between the two continued in this awkward manner.  Both men wanted to try, but both were afraid of opening up too much.  Brian kept pushing Justin to come home.  Justin sensed the older man was pushing for them to jump back into their old routine, mainly sex, and Justin knew that would not work.  He sensed that Brian knew it too, but wasn’t willing to admit it.

            After the original confrontation, Daphne wisely kept her thoughts to herself.  She didn’t want to push Justin.  She knew she pushed a lot that first night, but it was important to her.  She knew the two men loved each other immensely, but they had to work through the past, not ignore it.

 

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            “So, have you talked to Brian lately?”

            “A few phone calls, a few e-mails.”

            “How’s it going?”

            “It’s awkward.”

            “Well, what do you expect?”

            Justin heaved a huge sigh, “Daph, I know you want me to come clean with Brian, but tell me how to explain to the man that I love, that I have always loved, that circumstances he contributed to forced me to become a whore.  You tell me how to tell him that.  Because I don’t know how.”

            Daphne ached at the anguish in her best friend’s voice.  She hated to see him in this much pain, but she truly believed he needed to go through it.  “You just tell him.  It’s your history, it’s your past, and it’s your truth.  If he truly loves you, he’ll understand.”

            “Daphne, do you have your head in the clouds?  What if a guy you met and fell head over heels in love with, told you he used to turn tricks in Times Square?  Would you just hug him and make warm fuzzies?  Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you wouldn’t look at him like a common piece of street trash?”

            Daphne couldn’t answer him, “I thought so.  Look Daph, you had a really great point that Brian and I need to face the past in order to have a future, but maybe the past is just too ugly.”

            “There’s only one person who can make that determination Justin.”

            “I know.”

 

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To: bkinney@libertycomics.com

From: jtaylor@taylorgalleries.com

Subject: Visit

            B,

I was thinking about paying a visit to the Pitts in the next couple of weeks.  What do you think?

 

            J

 

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