No Wonder
Part
1
Notes: This started out as
a “What If” fic from
110. What if Brian hadn’t
followed Justin to
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No
Wonder
Are these your arms across
your chest?
Is that your face turned from me?
Are these your legs drawn between us?
Is this you?
No wonder
Is this my voice, pleading, broken, bitter?
Is this my mouth filled with sand?
Are these my hands inert and heavy?
Is this me?
No wonder
I have never been here before
I had no idea
The chill you seem to know your way around
With a white-knuckle grip on the center of your soul
I have the same grip on your heart
Sometimes when the words fail
And the silence bleeds into the snow
I wonder
I wonder which of us will be the first to let go
Which of us will be the first to let go
And I say listen to the rain
listen to the fall
listen to the voice
listen to the trees
listen to the call
listen to the sun
listen to the wind
listen to the way
listen to the dream
The shout's begun to whisper
Listen to me, listen to me, listen to your heart
The truth is speaking softly there
And I am almost beyond caring
And I can only breathe
And I can only watch you be yourself
And you can only do the same
No wonder...
No wonder...
No wonder.
************************************************************************
Brian had just finished his meeting with the new artist Liberty Comics had signed. The business that he and Michael had started was very successful. Michael had always dreamed about starting his own comic, and he finally realized that dream. After Brian had lost his job at Ryder and David had left, the two friends collaborated on an old dream.
Brian had been persona non gratis to their family since Justin had run away. Debbie had never forgiven him for not going after Justin, and she reminded him every chance she got. Relations warmed between the two after about three years, but Deb still held her grudge about Brian not going after Justin.
Brian had never forgiven himself
either. He had every intention
of following the boy to
The ‘family’ had in essence frozen him out, except Michael. Although even Michael had been surprised that he didn’t even try to find Justin. It was a cold, heartless move, even for Brian. Tensions eventually thawed, but battle lines were drawn. There were times when Brian wanted to contact Jennifer Taylor. He was certain that when Justin realized Brian wasn’t coming after him, he would contact “Mommy and Daddy” and go back to the WASP life he came from. Brian never contacted her because he knew she would never speak to him.
Justin haunted his thoughts during the day and his dreams at night. He knew he did the best thing for the boy by cutting him loose. Justin would return to his parents, and live the life he was meant to. Brian would satisfy himself with the memories of their brief time together. Justin was too good for someone like him. He figured he proved that by not chasing after him. Justin would chalk Brian Kinney up to being an asshole, and move on. But Brian never moved on.
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Brian had finished his meeting with the newest author for Liberty Comics. He was smoking a joint in his suite at the Waldorf Astoria, reading The Village Voice. As he was skimming through the pages, an ad caught his eye. It was an advertisement for a gallery opening and the featured artist was Justin Taylor. It couldn’t be. Brian decided he would have to check it out, to see if the featured artist was truly his lost boy.
Brian arrived at the gallery. A sizable contribution had gained him admittance. He took an offered glass of champagne, and began to explore the gallery. He recognized the technique in many of the paintings, and he knew this artist was his blonde twink. After about thirty minutes he spotted Justin. Ten years had done the boy good, he was no longer a boy, but a man. Justin was dressed in all black. His hair was longer, a little shaggier, but his eyes were still sky blue, and his smile could still light up a room.
When he noticed that Justin was finally alone, Brian decided to make his move. The blonde had his back to him. Brian approached him from behind, and offered him a glass of champagne.
“Well, I see all the years I spent worrying about you were for naught.”
Justin spun around, his eyes wide, “Brian?”
“I see you have found your way back to the blue bloods, do they
know about the time you spent slumming on
The blonde’s eyes turned to blue ice, “Fuck you Brian.”
“Not going to happen Sunshine, I don’t fuck people who steal from me.”
“Leave the name of your hotel, I’ll get the money to you … with interest”
Brian turned to walk away from the young artist, he looked over his shoulder and hissed, “I’m at the Waldorf.”
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Justin was raw after his confrontation with Brian. He couldn’t believe that he was standing in the same room as the man. He had convinced himself that after all this time he was over the older man. Brian had certainly told him loud and clear that Justin meant nothing to him. He cancelled the credit card that Justin had stolen, and never came after him. Daphne was always irritated that Justin still loved Brian. She always reminded him that Brian had been an absolute shit to him. Justin could never explain that regardless of everything that had happened, Brian Kinney was still his dream.
He walked the city for hours before going home. It was six in the morning before he entered the brownstone he shared with Daphne and Jenny. When he let himself in, he found Daphne waiting for him. Justin was hoping to avoid this scene.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
“Out walking.”
Daphne saw Justin’s stricken demeanor, and immediately felt bad for her outburst. “What happened?”
“Brian was at the gallery tonight.”
“Brian??”
Justin hung his head, “Yeah.”
“What happened?”
“He accused me of being back in my ‘WASP’ world, and
said my time at
“What an asshole!”
“I know Daph, I know he is, but I still …”
“You still love him.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to deliver the money to his hotel, and hopefully move on.”
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Brian got back to the Waldorf around five in the
afternoon. He was still a little
raw from seeing Justin the night before.
Seeing the object of his dream, in the flesh, had
thrown him for a loop. He
knew that he behaved like an asshole, but that persona was so natural for
him. He had been worried about
Justin for ten years, and to see him happy and successful angered
Brian. The twat had stolen from
him and run away in full ‘Drama Princess’ regalia, and now he was
some big shot in the
“Mr. Kinney, this was delivered for you earlier.”
Brian took the pro-offered envelope, gave the desk clerk a tip and went to his suite. Once he was in his room, he opened the envelope. Inside was $5000 in cash, his credit card and a note. Justin’s charges had amounted to about $1000, so this ‘interest payment’ was quite generous. He read the note, “Repayment plus interest.” It said nothing more. Brian sunk into the chair, he had never felt so low.
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Justin was sitting at his desk in the gallery. Jenny was running around, but business was slow, so Justin didn’t mind. He was surprised when his assistant Marie walked into his office.
“Justin, there’s someone here to see you, a Mr. Kinney.”
Brian, “Send him in,” Marie led Brian into Justin’s office, “Marie, I promised Jenny some ice cream today, would you take her around the corner to Ben and Jerry’s, and then to the park?”
“Sure Justin.”
“Thank you.”
Justin silently offered Brian a chair across from his desk. The two men sat down, and faced each other. Neither one knew what to say.
Brian spoke first, “Who is the little girl?”
“My daughter, mine and Daphne’s.”
Brian didn’t know what to say, he just nodded.
“Brian, what are you doing here, didn’t you get my message?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“So why are you here? I’ve paid you back, we’re even.”
“Are we?”
“Look Brian, I know I was teenaged drama princess when I left. But, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it was just a fuck. That’s all it was meant to be. I’ve accepted it, you don’t need to worry about your teenage stalker coming around again. Now, I have work to do.”
Brian knew that he was being dismissed, he left Justin’s office silently, unsure of what had just happened.
************************************************************************
Brian left the gallery, and just walked around. He came to a small park. He saw Justin’s assistant playing on the swings with the child he had heard called Jenny. He approached the two. The little girl jumped off the swings and headed towards him.
“I know you.”
“Excuse me?”
“My daddy has pictures of you, and he is always drawing you.”
This revelation made Brian’s heart sing, “I knew your daddy a long time ago.”
“You should come over for dinner. Marie, he can take me home.”
Marie looked at Brian, she recognized him from Justin’s pictures and drawings, “Ok J, you can take him home.”
The little girl was so excited, Brian was reminded of Gus when he got like this. Brian and Jenny spent a few hours walking around and playing in the park, until the little girl decided it was time to go home. She led Brian to a two story brownstone, and let herself in.
“Daddy, I brought a friend home for dinner.”
Brian heard Justin’s voice, “J, you know Marie is more than a fri …”
He stopped when he saw Brian in his living room, “J, go upstairs.”
“But daddy …”
“Upstairs … now!”
The little girl complied, she gave the two men a wistful glance.
“Brian what they fuck are you doing?”
“What are you talking …”
“Did you kidnap my kid, I mean why the fuck would she bring you here?”
“I saw her and your assistant in the park. She recognized me from pictures and paintings. So much for writing me off Sunshine.”
“Fuck you Brian!”
“Look, I’m here, don’t you think we should talk.”
“There is nothing to talk about.”
“Really?”
“Look Brian, I got the picture loud and clear ten years ago. You cancelled your credit card and wrote me off, I really don’t see what there is to talk about. In fact, I should really thank you.”
“What for?”
“For just canceling your card and not reporting it stolen. If you had reported it stolen, I would have been arrested, but just canceling it they refused any additional charges. So thanks.”
“So what did you do, call your parents to come and fetch you? How did you and Daphne end up with a kid, are you straight now?”
Justin decided to answer Brian’s first question, “I never
spoke to my parents again. I
called once after I got to
“How the hell did you manage that?”
Justin lowered his gaze, he didn’t want to look Brian in the eyes, “I was a go-go boy in a couple of the dance clubs. If you’re cute they don’t really care about your age.” Justin refused to look at Brian, his gaze focusing on every point in the room, except Brian, “Sometimes if I was a little short … I would hustle.”
Brian was livid, “You did what? Justin how could you do that, do you know what could have happened?”
Justin’s eyes shot blue steel, “What kind of choice did
I have. No one in
“So you decided to be a drama princess and disappear …”
“Excuse me? My parents
basically told me I was not welcome in their home, you made it clear you
didn’t want me around, was I supposed to pick up a
“Justin …”
“Besides, it wasn’t that bad, Daphne moved here after she graduated. We got an apartment, I found a job at a gallery, Daphne went to school. The gallery I worked for eventually started letting me show my work, and here I am!” Justin gave Brian a weary smile.
Brian suspected Justin was making the last ten years sound better than they really had been, but he decided to let it go. “So how did you end up with a kid?”
Brian saw a haze come over Justin’s eyes, the blonde’s eyes filled with unshed tears, “My sister gave birth to Jenny.”
“Molly? But she would have been just a kid …”
“I know Brian. Molly
was raped when she was fourteen, and she ended up
pregnant. Even though I didn’t
speak to my parents, Molly and I kept in touch via e-mail and some telephone
calls. When she realized she
was pregnant, she asked me to raise the
baby. She didn’t want to
give her away to strangers. So
we worked it out and had papers drawn up.
She wasn’t going to tell my parents she was pregnant until it
was too late for an abortion. They
freaked out, but clamed when she told them she was going to give it up.
After she gave birth, they were
going the baby and deliver her to Daphne and I here
in
“To you and Daphne?”
“We both were going to adopt her, and raise her together.”
Seeing the sad look in Justin’s eyes, Brian knew there was more, “I take it things didn’t work out like that.”
“No. When Molly was
eight months pregnant, she and my parents were in a very bad
accident. My parents were killed
instantly. Molly lived long enough
to give birth and hold Jenny one time.
Daphne and I made it to
“Tell me about it.”
“So, you know my story, tell me what the ‘King of Liberty Avenue’ has been up to for the last ten years. Do you own the agency yet?”
“Well Sunshine, like you said, life doesn’t always work out the way we plan. I was fired from Ryder a few months after you left.”
“Oh my god what happened?”
“I got sued for sexual harassment. I fucked some guy at work, than he decided I should give him a promotion that he didn’t deserve. When I refused him, he sued me. Melanie put up a good fight, but in the end, the old ‘where there’s smoke there’s fire’ excuse won out, and I was fired.”
Justin spoke sincerely, “I’m sorry Brian, I wish I had been there, I could have helped.”
“Justin, there’s nothing anyone could have done. My reckless lifestyle finally caught up with me.”
“I would have figured something out.”
Brian knew how devious Justin could be when he put his mind to it, “That would have been entertaining.”
“So what did you do?”
“Well, Mikey ended up breaking up with Dr. Dave …”
“Are you two together?”
Brian was shocked at this question, “God no, Mikey finally got over his teenage crush on me, and we moved on. He was the only one who still talked to me after you left. Everyone else pretty much froze me out. They couldn’t believe what a heartless prick I was, letting you disappear, canceling my credit card … they all wanted me to go after you.”
Justin spoke very softly, “Why didn’t you?”
Brian tried to figure out how to put his thoughts into words, “I
was going to. Daphne told me
you had run off to
“You never asked anyone?”
“It would have ruined my illusions that you were safe and sound. Besides, somehow I didn’t think your parents would be too receptive to me coming around after everything that had happened.”
Justin tried to process what Brian had just told him, he decided to switch to a safer topic, “So what did you do for a job?”
Brian recognized the switch in topics, and was silently grateful, “Well Mikey has always dreamed about writing his own comic, and he actually had a lot of good ideas. So he found some artists to work with, and I was his marketer. We started Liberty Comics, and have done pretty well.”
“Pretty well, fuck Brian, Liberty Comics has emerged as the premier comic publisher in the country. I can’t believe that’s you and Michael.”
“Well Mikey has never had a head for business, so he works with
the authors in between his own stuff, I handle the business
end. That’s why I’m
here in
“Wow, that’s great Brian! So have relations thawed between you and the gang? How’s Gus, I’ll bet he’s the spitting image of you. I want to hear about everyone.”
“Yeah, relations have gotten better, it took about three years, but like you say, life doesn’t go the way you plan.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Melanie and Lindsey were killed in a car accident seven years ago. Gus lives with me now.”
Tears welled up in Justin’s eyes, “God Brian, I …”
Hazel eyes looked into blue, “I know. It was rough, it happened two days before Thanksgiving, it made the holidays that year pretty rough.”
“Brian two days before Thanksgiving, seven years ago … that’s the night Jenny was born.”
The two men looked at each other, they had been so close to each other that night, and yet so far away.
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Both men were feeling a little bit raw after their conversation, and were reluctant to continue. Justin broke the silence first, “Dinner should be just about ready.”
He got up and went to the staircase, “Jenny, dinner in ten minutes.”
“Ok Daddy.”
At that moment, Daphne came home. She was shocked to see Brian Kinney sitting in their living room, “Brian?”
Brian got up and kissed Daphne on the cheek, “Hey Daph, long time no see.”
She glared at him for a second, but his charm always won her over, “Yeah, it has been.”
Jenny came bounding down the stairs, and launched herself at Daphne, “Mommy!”
“Hey baby, did you have fun at the gallery with Daddy today?”
“Yeah, I got to play and then Marie took me for ice cream and we played in the park, and I got to meet Daddy’s friend, and I brought him home for dinner.”
Daphne looked over at Brian, who just smiled back.
The four sat down for dinner, and Brian got to see how this family interacted. Justin and Daphne talked about their day, being sure to include Jenny in their conversation. They even explained situations to Brian so that he wouldn’t feel left out. Brian was amazed to see a healthy family at work, it was something even Melanie and Lindsey never managed to work out. He briefly wondered if Justin and Daphne had gotten married for Jenny’s sake. There was still so much he didn’t know, and so much he wanted to.
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After dinner, Daphne excused herself to go upstairs. She took Jenny to get ready for bed, and planned on crashing herself. She had put in twelve hours at the hospital, being a resident in the ER was always tiring.
After the girls had gone upstairs, Justin poured two glasses of whiskey and handed one to Brian who was sitting on the couch. He sat down on the easy chair across from Brian.
“You have a great family Justin.”
“Thanks Brian, we’ve worked really hard to get to where we are.”
“Are you and Daphne married?”
Justin almost choked on his drink, “What, god no, why would you think that?”
“Well, I thought you might have done it for Jenny.”
“We actually talked about it, but figured that would be a huge mistake. We are committed to raising Jenny together, but we didn’t want to create any false illusions. We figured it would probably blow up in our faces, so we never did it.”
Daphne’s voice interrupted them, “Justin, Jenny is getting into bed.”
“I’ll be right back Bri.”
Justin disappeared upstairs, and was back in a few
minutes. Brian was standing up
and fetching his coat, “I have an early flight back to
Justin walked over to his wallet, removed a business card and scribbled some additional information on it. He handed it to Brian, “Let’s keep in touch, become friends, and then see.”
Brian looked at Justin, nodded and headed for the door, “Later Justin.”
“Later Bri.”
No
Wonder : words and music by Peter
Mulvey
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