Moving Forward
Part 1
Author’s Note: This story follows Season 3 up until Episode 305. From there it goes off in it’s own direction. Story opens about 1 year after the RAGE party.
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Brian looked around the elegant office, and couldn’t believe he was here. However, Jennifer Taylor had told him a long time ago, if he ever wanted to sell the loft … Brian pondered the events of the last year since Justin had left him. Brian kept telling himself he did the right thing for Justin, the problem was the right thing for Justin was not the right thing for him. He felt he could stay a part of Justin’s life from the outside, but his feelings for the boy usually made him stick his foot in his mouth and say something nasty.
Their confrontation in the backroom after Brian’s “there’s nothing noble about being poor” speech changed things dramatically. Brian knew when he called Justin a piece of “blonde boy ass”, any love Justin may have still had for him vanished. He saw the light go out in his Sunshine’s eyes, and he’s barely seen him since.
Justin seemed to fall off the face of the earth. He still worked at the diner, but Brian specifically avoided the place if he knew Justin was working. Brian hated himself for hurting Justin, but there was nothing else for him to do. Justin deserved someone who could love him and accept his love in return. Not a 31 year old ad exec with the Berlin Wall built around his heart.
Slowly Brian retreated from his “family.” He still saw everyone, and spent a lot of time with Gus, but things were changing. Michael and Ben had worked through the “steroid” crisis and were closer than ever. Ted and Emmett moved into their dream house and became the respectable “fags” next door. There were still occasional trips to Babylon, but the backroom and the booze and the drugs quickly lost their appeal. Being the King of Liberty Avenue lost its glitter when his subjects grew up and moved on. The gang still had occasional dinners, but Justin was never there. In his gut, Brian knew Justin was still in contact with everyone, Debbie would be too much of a basket case if he was truly missing. Everyone just knew not to bring up Justin around Brian. He wondered if the vice-versa was true.
Jennifer Taylor’s voice shook Brian from his thoughts, “Brian, what a surprise! Please come in my office.”
Brian was led into a casual, yet professional office. Her desk sat before a large window, and on the shelf behind the desk were pictures of Justin and Molly. She gestured for him to sit down, “So what brings you here?”
He noted the coolness of her tone. Brian Kinney had never been one of Jennifer Taylor’s favorite people, but her good breeding allowed her to be civil to him. “You once told me that if I ever wanted to sell my loft to come to you.”
That surprised her, “You’re thinking of selling?”
“Yes, and I’ll also need you to help me find a new place as well.”
“Another loft or a condo maybe?”
“No, I want a house. 4 or 5 bedrooms, maybe a guest house, large backyard, you know, a suburban palace.” Brian gave her his trademark smirk. Jennifer smiled, some things never changed.
“Well I can show you some things that have come in. I’ll also need the specs on the loft so I can get it listed.”
For the next hour, the two went over some listings and started the write up on the loft. Brian decided to take a chance, “So, how’s Justin doing, I haven’t seen him around lately.”
Without looking up, Jennifer answered without thinking, “You and me both. Between his jobs and school, he’s never available.”
“Jobs, as in more than one. He’s working somewhere other than the diner.”
Jennifer realized she shouldn’t have spoken, but she wasn’t aware that Brian didn’t know what was going on with Justin. As far as Jennifer knew, Justin was still involved with the Liberty Avenue family, she just assumed that meant Brian as well. She didn’t feel right discussing her son with his former lover. If Brian was in the dark about Justin, it was probably because that’s how her stubborn son wanted it. She looked up and saw a genuine concern in Brian’s eyes, so she decided to answer as vaguely as possible, “well the new apartment is more expensive, and you know he won’t take help from anyone.”
“Oh, he and ‘Ian’ moved?”
Shit, Jennifer thought, Brian really doesn’t know anything, “Umm, no. Justin lives alone.” She knew she had to quickly shift this conversation. Justin would kill her if he found out she was discussing these things with Brian. “So we’ll need to make an appointment, say next week. I’ll finish up the listing on the loft, and have some places we can look at.”
Brian knew she was changing the subject. She obviously didn’t know that he had not been privy to the details of Justin’s life the last few months, and when she realized that, decided she had better shut up. “That sounds great Jennifer,” he handed her a business card, “call me when you’re ready to have me come in.”
She took the card and shook his hand, “I will, thanks Brian.”
He turned and left her office. Jennifer pondered what had just happened. Brian seemed different, almost more mature. She could tell the genuine concern he had for Justin, and she gathered it was not as casual as he made it seem when he inquired about Justin. Jennifer thought she might just have a talk with her son and find out what was going on.
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Brian thought about the things he had learned about Justin as he drove away from Jennifer’s office. Obviously he and the fiddle player had broken up. Brian wondered what caused it. Did Justin finally realize that flowers and romance didn’t mean shit, or was it Ethan’s decision to sign with the agent and force him and Justin in the closet. He knew there was no way Justin would do that. The younger man had been through too much coming out of the closet, there was no way he was going to go back in.
Brian remembered his conversation with Ethan in the park. The fiddle player was smart, he attempted to call Brian’s bluff about wanting Justin back. But he was up against the master, besides, Brian didn’t want Justin back, at least not then. He wasn’t sure if he ever did, but definitely not at that time.
In a way, Brian was surprised Justin hadn’t tried to come back after his breakup with Ethan. He knew Justin still loved him, even though they weren’t together. If he didn’t, there was no way he would have gotten Clair’s demon spawn to admit that he lied about Brian molesting him. Brian remembered Justin returning his bracelet to him at the loft. He was shocked to say the least. That Justin would save his ass like that, after all the shit he had put the younger man through, humbled him. Of course he would never show it.
Maybe the showdown in the backroom had finally extinguished Justin’s love for him. The look in his blue eyes broke Brian’s heart, but there was no way he would sooth that hurt. Justin needed to realize they lived in the real world, not some fucking fairytale land. Love does not conquer all, and sometimes it’s not enough. Although, now six months later, Brian could admit that deep down, he knew Justin would never go along with playing Ethan’s “cousin.” Maybe Brian secretly hoped that that would bring Justin back.
All of these conflicting thoughts were driving him crazy. His mind hadn’t been this out of control in a long time. He supposed it was his sub-conscious trying to tell him how he felt about Justin. He knew he loved him, but he also knew he was wrong for him. Justin had his whole life ahead of him, and the world was at his feet. He would through all of that away for a chance to be with Brian, and Brian wouldn’t let him do that. It was better to let him go.
Without thinking, Brian drove to the diner. He decided to take the rest of the day off after his meeting with Jennifer. There was nothing pressing at work, so he called Cynthia and told her to close up the office for the weekend. She was thrilled, Brian knew she had some kind of ridiculous romantic evening planned with her new boyfriend.
As soon as Brian walked into the diner, he knew it was a big mistake. Since it was the middle of the afternoon, Justin was working. Brian knew that Justin tailored his diner schedule so that he wouldn’t run into Brian. Since Brian was coming in at an “unscheduled” time, they were going to run into each other. Deciding to bite the bullet, he sat down at the counter. Justin hadn’t seen him when he walked in. Justin walked over with his order pad, and it was only then that he looked up and saw whose order he was taking.
“Brian! What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the day?”
“Last time I checked, I didn’t have a schedule of when I was allowed to be here.” Brian hadn’t meant to sound like such an asshole, but sometimes it just came out, “besides I took the rest of the day off.”
“Well what do you want? The usual?” Brian nodded, and when Justin turned to put in his order, Brian had the chance to look Justin over. He had lost weight and there were circles of fatigue under his eyes. Brian wondered how long Justin had been burning the candle at both ends, and why hadn’t he come for help? Brian knew the answer to that. Jennifer had hit the nail on the head, Justin was very stubborn. He had fought tooth and nail to get Justin to accept his help for school the first time around and even more after they broke up. There was no way he would come to Brian for any additional help.
Justin brought his turkey sandwich and left the check. He turned to walk away, and Brian decided to go for broke for the second time today, “So how’s it going, I haven’t seen you around lately.”
Justin turned and looked at him, “I’ve been really busy with school. It seems they work you twice as hard the second year. “ Justin chuckled, and Brian saw a fleeting glimpse of his Sunshine, “I guess next year I’ll be working three times as much.”
“Well don’t work too hard, you’ve got to leave room to party.”
Justin eyes hardened, then he gave Brian a resigned smile, “Those are your priorities, not mine.”
God, I am such an
asshole
Justin was exhausted when he got home from the diner at 6. He had about 4 hours until his shift at the bar, he thought he would try and catch a quick nap. Seeing Brian at the diner had really thrown him. He hadn’t seen his former lover in months. After he broke up with Ethan, he kind of cut ties to Liberty Avenue. He still kept up with everyone, just on different turfs. He saw Mel and Linds when he babysat Gus, he shopped with Emmett and would occasionally have dinner with him and Ted. He and Michael continued to work on “Rage” together, and actually were becoming friends. With no Brian between them, they found they actually had a lot in common and enjoyed each others company. Michael apologized for telling Brian about Ethan and Justin apologized for putting Michael in that situation. Justin saw Debbie at the diner, and he would visit Vic whenever he could. Vic was more of a dad to him then his own father ever was. It kind of became an unspoken rule that Justin didn’t want to talk about Brian, know anything about Brian or see Brian.
Justin’s love for Brian was extinguished that night at Babylon. He knew what Brian had said to him was true, but the venom in his voice and his choice of words were what killed him. Any feelings Brian may have had for him were obviously gone. He truly thought Brian loved him and wanted him to experience life. The fight with Michael, paying his tuition throwing work his way were all ways that Brian showed Justin he still cared. But when he called him a piece of “blonde boy ass”, Justin knew his hopes of ever reconciling with Brian were just hopeless dreams. It seemed Brian had decided to cut him out as well, so avoiding each other wasn’t very hard. Brian must have been really distracted to come into the diner when he did today.
Justin allowed him a moment to reflect on Brian. His former lover looked good. He looked a lot healthier than he had the last time Justin had seen him. His eyes and skin looked clear and bright. Maybe Brian had cut down on the partying. Justin laughed at that thought, Brian would always be Brian. For a few moments, Justin could admit to himself that he still loved Brian. He always would. The man was his other half, they were such a good match the few times that Brian wouldn’t fight it. Although those moments were few and far between, and non existent at the end. Justin had hoped that he would have had the strength to hang on until he could get through all of Brian’s walls, but in the end he was tired. He was tired of fighting, he was tired of being the only one truly fighting for the relationship. Brian did lots of things to show him everyday that he did care, and Justin believed he did. But not enough to care whether or not Justin stayed or left. It was like “I like having you here, but it’s no big deal if you’re gone either.”
Justin really tried with Ethan. For a while it was really good, but Ethan was never Brian. When he signed with the agent and began passing Justin off as his cousin, Justin had his excuse to leave. It was a pretty un-dramatic break-up, a promise to stay friends and keep in touch. Ethan left on tour, and Justin hadn’t heard from him in months. Justin found he needed a place to live and fast. His mom insisted he move in with her and Molly, but Justin wouldn’t do that to her. Her real estate career was going well, but money was still tight for her and Molly and he wasn’t going to add to that. Daphne asked him why he didn’t go to Brian, he was still paying Justin’s tuition he pointed out. Justin looked at her like she was nuts. There was no way he was going to Brian. Brian already had paid too much money when they were together, and even still more though they were apart, there was no way Justin was going to ask for more.
He found a job bartending on Friday and Saturday nights at a club near campus. He made pretty good money, and working the afternoon/early evening shift during the week at the diner, gave him enough money for an apartment and living expenses. It was really tight, but he was doing ok. He was just on the go all the time. Classes in the morning, working at the diner, homework and his weekend jobs were starting to take its toll. He knew he needed to slow down, unfortunately that was not an option. He closed his eyes for a quick nap before his shift at “Murph’s”
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Brian was strolling down Liberty Avenue on Saturday afternoon. Across the street he saw Melanie and Lindsey strolling hand in hand. Linds saw him and waved. The two women crossed the street to meet him. Lindsey gave him a hug and Mel just glared at him, it’s nice to know some things never change. He noticed the two women were suspiciously childless, “Where’s Gus?”
Brian noticed a glance that passed between the two, “We left him tied up in the car.”
“Ha ha Mel.”
Lindsey spoke up, “He’s at home with … with a sitter.”
Justin. How is it that he is able to avoid anything having to do with Justin for months, and now he’s popping up everywhere. He knew that he opened the can of worms by going to Jennifer Taylor as his realtor. It’s not like she was the only realtor in town, Brian knew he was looking for an excuse to reintroduce Justin to his life. “Well, you’d better hurry home, you don’t want Sonnyboy thinking you abandoned him.”
Brian turned and walked away from the girls. He headed to Michael’s store. He wasn’t surprised to find it busy, it usually was on Saturdays. All the little kids came out to hang at “Uncle Mikey’s.” Michael waved as soon as he saw Brian. Brian looked around and saw lots of people buying Rage. That was one thing that made Michael’s store so popular, it was the exclusive carrier of the popular comic.
“Hey Bri, what’s up?”
“Nothing, just out and about. What are you doing?”
“Finishing up some story ideas for the next issue of Rage, and then nothing, Ben is out of town doing a lecture in Philadelphia. Want to go to Babylon tonight?”
Brian pondered that thought, he really hadn’t been in quite a while, he thought he might need the hedonistic pleasures of the club to drag his mind out of the clouds it’s been in the last couple of days, “Sure, I’ll pick you up at 10.”
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Melanie and Lindsey had just left from picking up Gus. When they called at the last minute to ask him to babysit, he’d asked if he could watch Gus at his place because he had homework. Justin was just settling down to relax for a few minutes when his phone rang.
“Justin! Hey, it’s Mike.” Mike was one of his co-workers at Murph’s. “I’m supposed to work 5 to 9 tonight and I was wondering if you could fill in for me since you’re working 9 to close tonight.”
Justin sighed, he really needed to get some rest, but he needed the money more. “Sure Mike, will you call Paul and let him know.”
“Sure, thanks Justin, you rock!”
“You owe me!”
“Whatever.”
Justin looked at his watch, it was 4:15. He would have to get changed quickly, and get out the door in the next 15 minutes to get to Murph’s by 5.
“Damnit!” Michael was supposed to be dropping by with stuff for the new issue of Rage. Maybe he could drop it off at the bar. Justin hoped he could, Sunday was really the only day he had that he could get some good work done on Rage.
He called Michael’s cell phone and got the voicemail, “Hey Michael, it’s Justin. I got called into work early tonight, can you bring the Rage stuff over to Murph’s? I’ll be working until 1 or 2. Thanks, talk to you later.”
Justin hung up the phone and hurried to get ready.
Michael was pacing. He had gotten Justin’s voicemail about an hour earlier, and knew it would be convenient to have Brian swing by the bar Justin worked at on their way to Babylon. He was terrified to ask Brian though. Neither one of the two had even uttered the other’s name in six months. Michael wasn’t sure what caused the change. They had been getting along surprisingly well after the break-up. Then without a word, they became persona-non-gratis to each other. Justin stopped hanging out on Liberty Avenue except for his diner shifts. Brian figured out Justin’s work schedule, and avoided the diner like the plague during those times. Michael was impressed that all of their well-meaning friends figured out really fast to just act like one didn’t exist when they were hanging out with the other.
Michael figured he could probably get Brian to wait in the car while he ran in and dropped the stuff off for Justin. He hoped that worked because he didn’t want to be in the same time-zone as those two if sparks ignited. It might not be pretty. Obviously something happened to make them cut off all contact with each other, and Michael did not want to be around when they hashed it out.
By the time Brian arrived to pick Michael up, the smaller man was in a tizzy. Brian took notice of this immediately, “What the fuck is the matter with you?”
“Nothing, just ready to dance!” Brian rolled his eyes. “Actually Bri, I need to make a stop before we go to Babylon, I need to drop something off.”
“Sure whatever Mikey. Just tell me where to go.”
The two friends got in Brian’s Corvette and drove away. Michael directed Brian to the bar, and Brian was not too pleased to find them near PIFA. Michael had Brian park next door to a rowdy looking pub called Murph’s. He could hear a band playing, and lots of noise from college kids. Michael jumped out, “I’ll be right back Bri.”
“I’ll come with you.” Brian followed his friend into the bar. It was a typical college bar. Pool tables, dart boards and a band in the corner. Brian was not very happy to see Justin behind the bar. The blonde looked up, and saw the two men approach. His eyes darted to Michael with a questioning stare. Brian couldn’t see Michael’s face, but he was sure it was scrunched up in an apology. Obviously having Michael bring Brian here was not a part of any plan Justin had.
The two men made there way to the bar. They found an empty space and Justin served a beer to Michael and a Double Jim Beam to Brian. Brian instinctively went for his wallet when Justin’s hand stopped him, “It’s on the house.”
Justin didn’t look much better than he did yesterday. He still looked tired, but he had a smile and flirtatious air with the customers. Brian had a feeling his baby was a very popular bartender. He still didn’t like it one bit. Michael was showing Justin a few things out of the envelope he had brought, and Justin nodded. “Give me about a week, I should have something then.”
“No problem, we’re still two issues ahead anyway.”
“Well I’d better get back to work,” Justin looked the two men over, “Have fun at Babylon.”
And with those words, Brian and Michael were dismissed.
Brian was torn between continuing his façade of not giving a shit about Justin, or laying into Michael about what was truly going on with the boy. He could tell that Michael was waiting for him to explode.
“Brian, I’m sor …”
“Don’t worry about it Mikey, you needed to drop off some stuff, it’s cool. Now let’s go to Babylon.”
Michael looked at Brian like he was insane. This was not the reaction he expected. Maybe Brian really didn’t care about Justin anymore, but then he saw Brian’s hands clenched on the steering wheel. He did care, he was just doing his best not to show it. He must be really upset, usually Michael could never read Brian.
They had a good time at Babylon, not quite like the old days, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. In the old days, Brian would get so loaded and Michael would have to drive him home and put him to bed. Now they each had a couple of beers and just danced, having fun. Michael wondered what was going on.
The weeks that followed continued the “Justin-free” zone pattern. Brian was relieved, his weekend in the “Twilight Zone” had unnerved him. Maybe it was a test, to see if he really wanted Justin back or not. Unfortunately, he didn’t have an answer to that. He still felt a large hole in his life, but didn’t want Justin to sacrifice what was truly good for him in order to be with Brian. He could give Justin that much.
After that first meeting, Brian and Jennifer established a very professional, working relationship. No personal questions were asked, no personal anecdotes shared. Any outsider would never know that the two had any kind of history.
Jennifer found a buyer for the loft fairly quickly, and she got Brian a good price. They even negotiated the sale of some of his furniture. Brian knew the sleek modern décor of the loft would not go with the type of house he was wanting to buy. They negotiated a 60 day escrow, which gave them time to find a house.
It was about two weeks later that they hit the jackpot. Jennifer found a beautiful Tudor house in Lindsey and Melanie’s neighborhood. Even though he didn’t say it, Jennifer had a feeling that Brian would like to be near Gus. The house was two stories with 4 bedrooms and 3 baths. The Master suite had a bath, and the second would serve the other 3 bedrooms. Downstairs was a great living room, den, spacious kitchen and enclosed patio porch. It even had the guest house Brian wanted. When she asked him why, he just shrugged his shoulders and said he wasn’t sure, he just wanted it.
Everyone was shocked when they found out Brian was moving. It came as such a surprise. No one ever thought Brian would leave the loft, it was his lair, a part of his whole image. There were only two people who had any idea that Brian was completing some kind of metamorphis. The first one was Michael, for obvious reasons. The second and perhaps the most surprising, was Jennifer Taylor.