"I want you to suck it," Shaun says to me. I watch him as he flips his knife open and closed, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Nervousness and excitement seems to pour from him. I shift my eyes and look around his room. I feel small, trapped caged in and cut off from reality.
"No fucking way," I say. I wonder when he graduated from the one who is enjoying the suck instead of the one who is doing the sucking. I feel his hand on the back of my neck, pushing me down to my knees. I can feel the carpet beneath me and I cannot stop my fingers from running across the surface. It is soft and plush; such a deep contrast to the person who inhabits the room.
"I said suck it you fucking faggot," I hear him say. His voice breaks through my thoughts and I realize that he is already out, ready and hard. He dangles his cock in front of my face and I stare it at, contemplating what to do. All my decisions are made for me as I feel his left hand grab my hair pushing me closer as his right hand trails the knife along the side of my face.
I move my hand from the carpet to my chin, wiping off the drops of pre cum that have landed there. I feel his grip on my hair tighten and before I can move, before I can think, before I can put my mind anyway else but here I feel him enter my mouth.
The smell of him assaults my senses and makes me gag, which only causes him to slide further into my mouth, into my throat into me. I feel him pull back and groan as he pumps into me. I don't think; I can't. I feel him sliding back and forth across my tongue and I can't allow myself to feel; I'm not here. Discarnate.
"FUCK," I hear Shaun shout. I feel more of his fluids draining into me and suddenly I am aware of everything. It all comes back to me. The walk here, the house, the stairs, the room, the carpet, the smells Brian. I feel Shaun pull back and I react, clamping down hard, fast, and with no remorse, mercy, or restraint. Empowerment.
I run up the back stairs to my room, slamming the door behind me. My legs feel like rubber and my heart is beating faster than I ever thought it could. I drop my bag to the floor quickly, almost tripping over it as I make my way into the bathroom. I turn the faucet on. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I pause. I can see the blood still running from my mouth, over my chin and onto my shirt. The dark red color makes the white of my shirt stand out and almost glow.
I rip the shirt off my body and throw it to the floor. I run my hands under the water and I see the blood that is staining them. I scrub at it, willing it to come off go down the drain and disappear. I take handfuls of water and place them in my mouth, rinsing the coppery taste from my tongue. I watch the water in the sink take on a red tinge as the blood folds into it.
"Son of a bitch, you fucking faggot. I am gonna kill you. You 're dead you're fucking dead," I hear Shaun scream as I run from the room and out of the house. I barely feel my feet hit the grass as I move through backyards and over and through fences. I get to my own backyard and the door seems miles away.
I grab my toothbrush and scrub the inside of my mouth, hard. The bristles run across my teeth and tongue and the water from them slides down my throat. I wonder for a moment if it's enough to drown me.
"Thanks for watching him Brian," Lindsay tells me as I finish changing out of my suit. I sit next to her and watch as Gus clings to his mom. Like the couple of days he spent with me were so bad. "Was he a lot of trouble?"
"No, and even if he was do I really need to report it?" I say as I look at her. I see her smile when I ask her that and she nods her head as if to say I know he is your son so I don't need to ask. Behind her eyes, somewhere hidden behind the smile and easy going manner I see sadness. I know she misses Mel but she refuses to act like she does.
I can almost hear the wheels turning in her head, working up the courage to ask the question that wants so badly to touch her lips and taste the air.
"Did you have to call Melanie?" She finally asks me. I watch as she bounces Gus on her lap. She wants me to say yes. She wants me to have had some contact with the brunette, but I haven't. I look over at her and give a small smile, my tongue stuck firmly in my cheek.
"No, I didn't call her," I say; short and to the point. "If you want to talk to her so fucking bad why don't you call her?" I ask her.
"I fucked up Brian," she says softly.
"Oh come on, so fucking what. You fucked some guy, satisfied your itch and its over. I seem to remember Mel having her needs met too," I tell her. I watch as she absorbs the information and leans back into the sofa.
"Yeah," I hear her say. It's almost a whisper. The minutes tick by as we sit together in comfortable silence. I feel the warmth of the sun press into me through the window and I smile as I think of the one person that warms me; Sunshine. I help Lindsay take Gus' stuff to the car and watch as they drive down the street. For a few seconds I almost think that Justin isn't there, that he isn't real; Apparition.
I see him sitting on a bench close to the bus stop all alone. I look across the street to see what he is staring at and nothing is there. I walk over to him and stand next to the bench. I can see his chest moving and it's the only thing that tells me he is not dead.
"Hey," I say as I sit next to him. He doesn't move, doesn't speak. I wave my hand in front of his face and he almost jumps out of his skin. "Were you expecting to run into someone?" I ask him with a raise of my eyebrow. He scrunches his face and gives me a puzzled look. "You're not wearing a shirt," I say as I gesture to his chest.
"Yeah," he says softly as he looks down at his chest. I grab his hand and pull him to his feet. I lead him back to the loft and into my life.
"Brian, you really don't have to do this," I say as he moves into his bedroom. I watch him dig in his drawer and get a t-shirt out.
"Justin, just put the fucking shirt on," he says as he tosses it to me. I catch it and slide my jacket from my body. I don't even remember putting it on. I pull the t-shirt over my head and pull it down. My skin welcomes the cotton. It is a little big for me but it is perfect. "Why in the fuck are you running around with no shirt on?"
"No reason. What are you working on?" I say quickly as I look at all his papers that are spread out on the table. I sit down on the couch in the same spot as before.
"I work in advertising and those are some mockups for a new campaign I'm working on," he tells me as he sinks into the couch next to me. I feel his heat and I relax. I pick up one of the papers and look at it. I know that Brian wants to ask me questions, he wants to dig and he wants to know he needs to know but he stays silent. Contemplation.
"You should move the name of the product to the other side; it'll balance out the weight of the poster. It won't make everything look like its being pushed on you. Do you know what I mean?" I ask as I look at him. He takes the paper from me and looks it over. I see him smile a little and nod at my suggestion. "I expect to be paid for that piece of advice," I say.
I know he knows that I'm joking and I am glad that an explanation is not needed. I use my hand to scratch my nose and I know that the move makes me look even younger than I already do. I can't help it, he makes me nervous. His intensity makes me nervous. His willingness makes me nervous. His unspoken passion makes me nervous. I like it. "So, what do you do for fun? Or do you spend all your time in this loft?" I ask him.
I put the piece of paper down on the table and turn my body toward him. "So, you want to know what we do for fun," I say to him as I move my body closer. I can feel him tense and I lean in a little more. "Do you really want to know what we do for fun?" I ask. I can see the gleam of excitement flashing inside him. He nods his head.
"Yeah, I really want to know," he says. He is a mixture of fire and ice. I never know what I am going to get with him. I can hear the utter excitement and hesitation mix together inside of him.
I laugh a little when he gives a final nod. He looks into my eyes and for a minute I can't breathe. He makes me nervous. His openness makes me nervous. His desire makes me nervous. His pain makes me nervous. His secrets make me nervous. His need to forget, to hide, to feel nothing is just like me. I fear it.
I look down at my clothes and grab his hand. "Then let's go," I say.
"Holy shit; do you come here all the time?" He asks me.
"Practically every night, sunshine," I say as I we move up the stairs. I give Kyle the doorman a small nod and he moves out the way and allows Justin to enter. "Thanks Kyle."
"Anything for you Brian," he says. I see Justin's eyes grow as we enter the sea of bodies. The lights bounce off of his pale skin and he looks beautiful. I pull him behind me toward the bar. I can see Emmett standing there, scanning the crowd.
"I was wondering when you'd show up," Emmett says. He takes a drink from his glass and notices Justin. "Who is this tasty thing?" he asks.
"Emmett, this is Justin. Justin, this is Emmett," I say. Justin smiles at him and soon they are engaged in a conversation. I listen only vaguely to the two of them. I order two beers and hand one to Justin. I watch him drink it down. He finishes it fast and sits it down on the counter. We stand here for awhile with Emmett holding up the bar and letting the music wash away all our worries. "Where are all the guys?" I ask.
"Michael and Ben went to some relaxation thing," Emmett says with a roll of his eyes. "And Ted went to the bathroom," he informs me. I nod my head and grab Justin's hand, leading him to the dance floor. I pull his body into mine and we move together. Liquid.
I let my lips brush lightly across the skin of his forehead. The smell of him is rich, almost sweet. Sex. He dances with no restriction. He feeds off of the music. We melt into each other and then there is only us. We are suspended above it all. We are surviving inside it all. We are fighting our demons. Mine are old and festering. His are alive, fresh, thriving and growing.
I pull him into the loft and close the door. I am supporting his full weight as I try to punch in the security code. I toss my keys on the counter and drag Justin over to the sofa. I drop him down and collapse next to him. I pull his jacket from under me and toss it onto the other chair. I look over at the drunk blond next to me and I can't stop my fingers from tracing over the outline of his hair. A moan comes from him and he shifts slightly.
I don't even feel myself drifting.
I can feel his full weight on my right side. I have to pee and he has me pinned to the couch. I contemplate not moving but my bladder protest all thoughts of that idea. I roll from under him and land on the floor on my hands and knees. I focus on my surroundings and make my way to his bathroom. I glance at his clock as I come out the bathroom and the time reads 4:43 a.m. I rub my eyes and make sure that's the real time.
"Fuck." I walk back over to the couch and right before sitting down I stop. Brian is in my spot. I push him over and squeeze back in where I was.
I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep but I can't. I can still feel the buzz of the alcohol running through my system, numbing me. I feel Brian move beside me and when I feel his hand brush over my cock I stir and open my eyes. "I thought you were sleep," he says. I give him a small smile and I know it is the smile of a still semi-drunk person.
"Mmm, no I'm not sleep," I say softly. I feel his body shift onto of me and I move so that I am flat on my back with him covering me. I breathe deep when he presses his lips onto mine. I bring my hands around him and hold onto his back, gently pulling him closer. I open my mouth slightly and let his tongue into me. I open my legs and I feel his cock make contact with mine. We kiss each other with vigor. I moan and arch into him as my cock strains against my jeans, wanting more.
I pull away from him and sit back on his legs. I pull my shirt off my body and moan lightly as he traces a hand down my chest. I watch him as he unbuttons my jeans and I unbutton his. I stop his hands and pull his shirt off of him. I watch him as he lies back on the couch. He is almost too much. I get up and pull my jeans off as he slips out of his jeans and underwear.
I sit back on the sofa and pull him onto me. I feel his heat bond with mine and there is no end to our desire for each other. I grip the back of his neck and pull him into me. Our tongues battle each other, each one wanting a taste.
I feel his heat and everything else melts away. I can taste him and he tastes like everything. I feel his hand placing pressure on the back of my neck and then I feel his other hand grip my hair. I moan into his touch. I feel him shifting, moving and guiding me down his body.
"I want you to suck it," he says to me.
"Stop, stop Stop," I say. I move to get off of him. I can feel everything in my stomach trying to get out and I race to the bathroom.
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