I lie down on top of him and trail kisses down his chest and back up again. I feel his body shaking beneath me and I stop to see what's wrong. I look into his eyes and the light that was so bright there seems to dim. I can't tell if it is lust or pure sadness that is causing the shift in hues. I pull away from him and sit back on my haunches.
I smooth a hand along his arm, barely touching his skin. "What's wrong?" I ask him. I wait for his answer and before it comes more tears drain from his eyes. I pull him into my arms and wait for him to collect himself; Confusion.
"What's wrong Justin?" I ask as he quakes inside my embrace. I tighten my arms around him, pressing tightly to ease away his fears. I feel his trembling quiet to a whisper and I release him from my hold. I watch the embarrassment flood his face and I kiss him softly to let him know that no harm is done.
"I'm sorry Brian. I didn't mean to fall apart," he tells me. I bring my hand up to silence him and shake my head.
"Justin, you don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong," I say as I move to the side of him and sit down. I want to touch him but I want him to know that he has a say in how far things go. I feel his hand trail down my back and I turn to look at him. I see hesitancy and desire building a fire inside of him and I move my body to face him completely.
"Justin, are you sure you want to do this?" I ask. I have never talked this much to someone that I am about to fuck and I feel my skin take on a chill as I think of all the things that that might mean.
"I want you Brian, I do. I just feel a little vulnerable right now like a cloud," he says and I smile at the analogy. I guide him down onto the bed again and position my body on top of his, kissing him fully and devouring his soul while my hand snakes a trail to his pulsating cock. I take it in my hand and bathe the shaft in its own passion.
I feel him twitch and moan slightly under my touch and I know that I have found my clarity. I bring my mouth away from his and lick his swollen lips. I feel his fingers pressing into my back and calling me home. I can feel the fire burning inside of me and I die over and over from the desire to be inside him, to be one with him to connect with him completely; Surrender.
I reach a hand over to the nightstand and grasp the necessary supplies, laying them on the bed next to his sex soaked body. I kiss and fondle his nipples until they are red and he is arching off the bed, grinding his cock into mine. I push down gently on his body stilling his movements.
I watch as he watches me, bottom lip tucked into his mouth biting hard to control his lust. "Is this your first time?" I ask him and I watch as he thinks about my question. Bells go off somewhere in the distance of my mind but I silence them when he hesitantly nods his head.
"Don't worry, I'll be gentle," I say as he trails his hands all over me. I feel his hands come to my face and when his finger softly enters my mouth I suck it in greedily. I put my own finger in his mouth and he eagerly reciprocates the favor, coating my fingers in his warm natural lubrication.
I pull my fingers from his mouth, the saliva catching on the moonlight that streams through the window. I trail my hand over his being and between his heat kissed mounds; circling his entrance like a caged animal.
"Breathe into me," I say as I press pass his blockade and make my digits at home in his warmth. I move my fingers gently in and out, speeding and slowing the pace as his body presses me for more.
"Fuck me Brian please," he says and it's all the encouragement I need. I pull my fingers from their position and pull back, handing him the condom.
"Put it on me," I say as I wait for him to ready me for action. I resist the urge to spring to life in his hand. I release a breath when the condom is on and then I grab his legs and place them on my shoulders, positioning me right where I want to be. I grab the lube and slick it over my cock, making it shine. I place a little more on his waiting hole and wait as he calms a little. "Are you ready?" I ask.
I watch his head bob up and down and I see his hands reach out and grab the sheets, holding them tightly. I take a quick breath and plunge forward into the unknown sanctity of him. I inch forward little by little allowing him to adjust to the size of me.
I watch the colors of ecstasy streak across his face and down his torso as I press my whole self into him. "Mmmm " I hear him moan and I pull out slightly and come back again.
The quick movement brings his hands to my back and I feel his fingers as they mark me as captured. I pull out again, and again I plunge forth into unknown territory. I let his legs drop off of my shoulders and I drop myself onto his body, holding on for reality.
I angle my hips so that my cock will graze over his prostate, bringing him sensations of unspoken proportions.
"God Bri an," he pushes out in a rush of carbon dioxide. I feel him arch off the bed in a tidal wave as I graze his prostate again and the movement sends us off of the dangerous edge of the bed and onto the hardwood floor.
I feel my back slide across the floor on our sweat. In this reverse position he is more alive and beautiful. He is thriving on the control and I love him for it. I see a faint scar along his collarbone as he sits on me unmoving, soaking in the experience.
I reach a hand up to touch it and when I trace it with my finger I see tears pool into his eyes. He captures my hand and tangles it with his. I place my free hand on his hip and squeeze, urging him to move. He starts to swivel his hips, slow at first and then faster as the feeling intensifies.
I pull my hand free and place it on his other hip, guiding him into an up and down rhythm. I keep pressure on his hips as he rides me, long and hard.
I close my hand around his cock and start to pump. I feel him tighten around me and I see the signs of approach in his face. He has his head tilted in joy and his eyes are pools of love. I bring him to the edge of the cliff and we fall over together, both panting and drowning in satisfaction; Unison.
I hold his collapsed body on top of mine and trail my hands along his back. I feel him start to shake again and I can feel the tears as they splash onto my shoulder before coming to rest on the floor. I don't say anything this time I just let him cling to me I let him feel it out.
I am falling apart in Brian's arms and I cannot bring myself together this time. I am glad that he is not speaking; I don't want to hear him. I want to push him away, I want to drag a sharp steel blade across my skin and spill my emotions in my own way but I don't.
I cling to him instead, tightly, like the world will swallow him. I empty my tears onto him and I can feel my skin burning where it connects with his. After awhile my tears extinguish themselves and we are left to lie in their shadow, gulping the silence.
"I have never felt anything like that before," I whisper into his ear. I bury my face into his shoulder and smile a little. I have never felt so undeniably alive and endlessly dead.
"You were amazing sunshine, but, my back is starting to get a little sore. What do you say we move this party to the shower, get cleaned up," he says and nudges me a little. I push myself off of him and help him to his feet.
We shower together wrapped in silence, anticipation speaking volumes. We curl up together in his bed and I shiver slightly. He pulls me into him and I hear him fall into dreams. I listen to the soft breathing of Gus as it bounces around the loft and I stare at my bag, slumped against the back of the sofa. I feel like my eyes are x-ray machines and I can see the box and its contents clearly through the walls of the bag, taunting me and teasing me.
I close my eyes against the powerless bully and snuggle closer to Brian. His arms wrap tighter around me and I feel weightless. I drift off to sleep, the beat of his heart singing softly in my ears.
"Mommy, mommy mommy, I have to go to school and I need lunch money," I hear Molly say. I open my tear swollen eyes to the morning and cringe against the light. I feel the sheets beneath me and I know that I am still here, that I am still real. I turn my head toward Molly and try to focus on her face.
"What sweetie?" I ask her. I know that she said something but what exactly it was is lost to me.
"I need lunch money for school," she repeats and waits for me to move. I push myself into a seated position and run a hand over my hair, trying to smooth it out. I glance around the room, wiling my purse into visibility. I stand on my feet when I don't see it and dozens of tissues abandon my body, trailing behind me as I walk to the door.
"I think my purse is downstairs," I say without emotion and I can hear her following behind me, tracing my steps. Her book bag makes a noise every time the zipper hits the side of the bag, it is so low and constant but right now it feels like the only sound in my life.
I glance at Justin's door as I reach the stairs and I don't have the energy to deal with him right now. I push him to the side of my mind and concentrate on getting Molly her lunch money.
When I find my purse and give Molly the money she leaves, but not before kissing my cheek and telling me that she loves me. I hug her tightly and let her go only when I hear the bus outside on the street. I hear her laugh with her friends and I pray for the ability to change scenes like that, to flip my emotions like a cheap hooker. I stand at the open door for what seems like hours, waiting for something to happen.
As I stand there I feel my life run through me, my sacrifices run through me, my hopes, fears, dreams, desires all course through my body and pool at my feet. I walk to the entrance to the living room and come face to face with my sofa. The sofa it took me months to pick out, the sofa that had to be specially ordered because the fabric was rare, the sofa that the daughter I always wanted was conceived on and I feel a sour note rise inside my gut. I don't want it here, smiling at me and wearing its flag of victory.
I grab the arm of the sofa and start to pull. It easily slides across the wooden floors, scratching the flawless polish along its way. I pull and pull until I can feel nothing and then I pull some more. I bleed my anger into the task and my brain tells me that the sofa is not to blame, but I don't want it here. I crawl over the arm and move to the other end, pushing the sofa as hard as I can.
I push and push until I reach the front door. Glass and lamps lay broken and bruised on the floor, victims of my rage at the sofa. I move the sofa around, breathing heavily and panting until it is lined with the door and then I shove it forward, toward and through the door with all the strength that I have.
I place my back against the sofa and use my feet to push, shoving the sofa forward. I push in short stabs when the sofa gets stuck and refuses to move. When I realize that it's not going to budge I move back and slide down to the floor, resting my back along the side of the sofa, breathing deep and letting the tears pour down my face.
I sit for hours thinking and thinking about him and about her and about how long they have been fucking. I pull myself to my feet and walk back up the stairs, ignoring the stares of the few neighbors that have come outside to witness my meltdown. I fold myself into my bed, crawl under the sheets and cry into my pillow.
I stretch my muscles and shift under the sheets. I can feel the heaviness of the duvet on my hardened cock and I reach a hand under the sheets to fix the problem. I freeze mid-pump when I hear a happy squeal erupt from Gus. I squeeze my eyes together tightly and then open them to the morning. I push myself up on my elbows and glance at Gus' crib, expecting to see him standing and waiting for me, like always.
When I see that he is not there I feel a panic flush inside me until I catch a movement on the floor in front of the T.V. I see Justin on the floor with Gus, playing with him and feeding him. I flip the covers off and slide into some jeans.
I walk down the steps and head toward the kitchen, fresh coffee on my mind. "I made some coffee. I thought you'd be a coffee before breathing kinda guy," I hear Justin say and I turn to look at him. He is watching me with shy and bold eyes.
I love the balance of nerve and nervousness in him. I watch him as he licks the rest of the banana off his fingers, sucking them into his mouth deeply. I moan a little inside my throat and glare at him when I feel my cock twitch as Gus wraps his arms around my leg.
"Asshole," I say as I bend down to pick him up. I will my cock into submission and pour myself a cup of coffee. I watch Justin as he moves to the sofa and grabs his sketchpad, losing himself in the pages. I move my coffee cup out of Gus' reach and shake my head.
"No," I say as I take another sip. I finish my coffee and walk with Gus over to the sofa. I sit down and wait for Justin to notice my close vicinity. I am amazed at how normal and comfortable it feels for him to be here. I haven't known him long enough to drown in him but I can already feel the current pulling me under.
"I take it that you're not going to school today," I say. I watch as the pencil stills on the paper and he thinks about whether or not he will go to school or not.
"I really hadn't thought about it. I doubt it though," he says as he turns to look at me. "I mean, I know I should but," he starts and interrupt his words.
"You don't have to explain shit to me. I'm not a fucking truancy officer," I tell him as I place Gus on the floor, letting him walk over to his toys on the floor in front of the television. I look over at the clock and roll my eyes at the time. "Shit," I say as I get up from the sofa and walk into the bedroom. I slide open my closet doors and pull a suit from among the ranks.
"What's wrong?" I hear Justin say as he approaches me slowly. I lick my lips at the sight of his creamy skin, surrounded by light and glowing.
"I have to go to work and I am late," I say as I go into the bathroom and get into the shower. When I get out Justin has Gus all dressed and he is all ready to leave. "Thanks for getting him dressed. You didn't have to do that," I say as I pull on my suit and shoes.
"I didn't mind," he says as he slings his bag over his shoulder and comes to stand in front of me. I let him wrap his arms around me and I bring my lips down onto his. I can taste him as his trials mingle with mine and when we pull apart I find that my arms are circling him too and holding him close. I break our close embrace and finish tying my tie.
"I better go," I hear him whisper and I know that he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay here forever and I want him to. "Later," he says as he says his goodbyes to Gus, moving toward the loft door. I follow him to it and wait for my brain to convince my heart to speak to him.
"Later." I say when he kisses me again, leaving his sweetness on my lips. I savor the delicious reminder of him. When I close the door the emptiness swirls softly in the atmosphere, burning its presence into the walls and furniture. I look at Gus and move to finish getting ready. When I pass the counter I see a paper. I pick it up and I see all Justin's numbers, written nicely for me to have. I slip it into my pocket and go to gather Gus' things.
I am swinging from trees with joy after leaving Brian. I walk to the bus stop and deposit myself on the bench. I feel a mixture of emotions kiss their way up and down my body. I swirl at the dizzy feeling and I smile knowing that I left Brian my numbers. I know he will call, I feel he will call he better fucking call.
I see the bus coming and I stand to meet it. When I get on the bus I watch the landscape pass by and when I am close to my house I hop off the bus and drink in the empty street. I am glad that everyone is in school.
I am four houses from mine when I see Shaun coming down the sidewalk. I curse to myself and wonder for a moment why he is not in school. I slow down my walking and pray that he won't notice me, knowing the whole time that he can't help but to see me.
"Well, well what do we have here?" he says as he stops in front of me. I try my best to ignore him and when I move to step around him he stops me in my tracks.
"Don't be a dick Shaun. I am just trying to go home," I tell him. I see the smile play across his face and I know he is looking at my rumpled clothes and messed up hair. I move to pass him again and I feel his arm lock around mine.
"Where are you going Justin? I seem to remember you and me having some unfinished business," he says as he runs his free hand over the front of my jeans. I tell my lungs that now is not the time to quit on me and they slowly obey my will. I tug my arm and find that his grasp is unforgiving.
"Shaun, what the fuck are you doing?" I say, trying hard to try and keep the twitches and trembles out of my voice. I see the fires of delight trickle inside of him and I know that he does not buy my façade. I swallow and continue to look him in the eye.
"I just want to talk to you for a minute Justin," he says as he pulls me close to him. I can feel a familiar cold of a blade against my skin and I flinch slightly. My skin flushes at the loss of control and I feel my gut twist into knots. I feel his fingers grip my arm tight as he leads me through the Boyler's backyard, toward his house, and into the unknown.
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