Misapprehension

Chapter 1

He stands staring, swallowing down the anger that threatens to surface. He can hear the tick of the clock and the soft tap of the water as it trickles into the kitchen sink, so close and so far away; like death. The sounds of everyone moving in the loft invade his mind, drifting in and out. He shakes his head, trying to silence the voices so he can breathe…think. There is nothing but silence, it beats against the sides of his head like a jackhammer that must not rest until the concrete is broken open, revealing its secrets and lies. He brings his eyes and mind back to the present, making himself take in his reflection.

'I would still fuck me,' he thinks as his eyes continue to scan the length of his body, hands gripping the countertop tightly, like if he let go his soul would slip away. He steadies himself once more and pushes away from the counter, the mirror, himself. He reaches the door and slides it open slowly, pulling everyone's attention toward him.

"Brian, I have no fucking idea where you want me to put all this shit," Mikey says as he places an empty box on the bed and sits next to it.

"I am sure you can find some place for it," Brian says as he moves further into the bedroom. He looks past the dividers, so old looking, dusty, like the cleaning lady has neglected to clean them. 'I'll have to remind her,' he thinks.

"Jesus Christ, I thought Brian was into having the minimalist look. The more we move the more shit there seems to be, he must have just bought all this shit," Lindsay says as she sweeps out a corner that is close to the window. The sun catches in her hair and for a moment he can swear it is pure silk, he knows it isn't, but its close enough.

"Now, now, don't talk about me as if I am not here," he tells them as he sits on the sofa and looks through the sketchbooks that have not been packed up yet. Some of them are so old that the pages threaten to turn to dusk at the sudden exposure to the sun. He is pulled from his world of memories as Gus tries desperately to climb onto the sofa without assistance.

'When did he get so big?' he thinks as he places the sketchpad onto his sons lap.

"Did Jus'n draw dees daddy?" he asks his father as he leans into his body, perfectly molding together, as if they were meant to exist in a world that was all their own.

"Yes, he drew all these, and he has lots more. When he gets here he can show you some of his other things, newer things," he tells his son. Gus smiles at him as he jumps from the sofa and returns to his own coloring and drawing, so much like his mother and though it is strange to think of, so much like Justin. He watches all his friends, or should he say his family as they help to clean the loft and pack his and Justin's things. They have finally decided to move, get a bigger place, one that was both of theirs, together.

He thinks of the day that they made the final decision, they, it still sounds funny. They had decided that something bigger was just more practical. He could remember it like it had happened just yesterday and it has been over two years. Two years and they were just getting around to moving. The journey had taken this long, but it was worth it, worth it, because he could breathe.

He remembers telling Justin that having both their names on a paper for a joint piece of property did not mean it was a marriage contract. Justin had taken to the bedroom and sulked for hours and in the days that followed Brian had been on the receiving end of a lot of silence. Silence when wanted could be a blessing, but there is some silence that is all encompassing.

The silence that can come from a lover that is angry, the silence that can follow a bad day or a good fuck, the silence that comes while you wait for a baby to take its first breath or the silence that comes when you realize that the breath of that baby will not come at all, or when the doctor calls you in for the results of your HIV tests, the silence that comes when the lid to your coffin is closed, when you are lowered into the ground and the people who have always given you a reason to live walk away from you. That silence is never ending; it is maddening, drawing even the strongest person to despair and insanity. That silence is beautiful.

"Hey," he hears the voice say from its place behind him. They did not hug like some would think after him being gone so long, really just a couple of hours but for them too long. They did not embrace, it was no longer needed, but as the mantra of 'You may never get another chance,' runs through his mind he turns his body to the voice and wraps his arms around the blond, taking in his scent and letting it wash over him.

"Hey, you were gone for a while. I hope that you didn't go buying anything else because we have enough shit to take with us as it is," he tells him as he lets him go and returns to the box he is packing full of clothes.

"No I didn't buy anything, just some art supplies that I need for a painting," Justin says as he takes in the mess that is the loft.

"I did not think that they could do this much damage in just a couple of hours," Justin says as he sits down on the bed and watches Brian like he has never seen him before.

"Stop fucking staring at me," Brian says as if that is the last thing that he ever wants to happen. Justin just smiles slightly as he gets up and passes by Brian and Mikey, heading toward the bathroom.

"Jesus, it's so freaking cold in here. I am surprised you two didn't freeze to death," Mikey says as he tapes another box closed.

"We made sure to keep warm," Brian tells him as he too finishes another box and closes it tightly.

The hours drag on as they all move around silently but steadily, packing up as much as they could, for today at least. Gus is on the sofa sleeping, having given into exhaustion hours ago. Brian and Justin sit together, side by side on the sofa. Brian can feel the eyes of the group on them both as they all sit there talking quietly and at times enjoying the relative silence, one of the rare good ones.

"Okay, let's get out of here, we all have other stuff we have to do," Debbie says breaking the silence that is threatening to wash over them again.

They all stand and walk toward the door; Lindsay stopping to put Gus' coat and shoes on. When she finishes Melanie picks him up and heads to the door herself.

"Goodnight you guys," Emmett says as he ushers himself out the door, with the rest of the group piling out of the door before him. When the door closes the noise vibrates throughout the now almost completely empty space. They stand together in the kitchen, Brian leaning against the counter and Justin sitting on the counter next to him.

"I did not think that it would be possible for the loft to look any emptier," Justin says as he leans back and studies the boxes and empty spaces.

"Yeah well, just because you like crap in every place you step doesn't mean we all do," Brian says as he smiles a small smile at Justin.

"Oww…what'd you hit me for?" he asks as Justin jumps off the counter and starts to walk toward the bedroom.

"That was just the start of your punishment," he says as he climbs the steps. Brian pushed himself off the counter, the counter that he barely felt that he was leaning against, and followed Justin.

The lovemaking, fucking, whatever you would use to describe the act was weightless. It existed in a space and time that was beyond the possibilities of comprehension. It was like fire, if one simple word was enough to describe it. Fire is hot, dangerous and all consuming but beautiful, fed by desire and need. After they had extinguished their flame they sat together on the bed, clothes back in place and completely happy. The bliss of the moment was cut short by the sliding open of the loft door.

"Who in the fuck is that?" Justin asks as they both moved to stand and approach the stairs. A woman of no more than forty-five was showing a young couple around the loft as if she did not see the two people who were standing so prominently in the space above the stairs.

"The kitchen really is a wonderful space and the bathroom and bedroom have all been kept in remarkable shape," she tells the couple as they walk up the stairs and into the bathroom. Brian approached the woman slowly and without preamble.

"What the hell is going on? We are not scheduled to move out for another week before this place goes on the market," Brian tells the woman who ignores him and begins to walk forward.

He made no attempt to move as the woman passed through him. Yes, passed through him, fully and completely through. The breath that he held was trapped inside him as he turned to look after the woman and when he did he locked eyes with Justin, in time to see him as he slinked to the ground. He rushed over to the man and kneeled in front of him.

"Did you see that shit? What the hell was that about?" Justin asks as he wills himself to speak, after what seemed like hours, days, or maybe centuries of silence.

Brian was speechless, he had no idea what was going on but he was starting to feel something within him, like small ripples in a pond. It was barely enough for anyone else to really feel but it was enough for him to know that something was wrong, no not something… everything.

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