Finally

Chapter 5

Justin leaned his head against the cool glass of the passenger window of his mother's Lexus and let his mind wander back to the first time Brian had driven him down this road.

Babylon had just been bombed and Brian had freaked out and asked Justin to marry him.  Justin, having met Brian before, had scoffed at the proposal and turned the man down.  Brian had turned around and purchased Justin's dream house on the outskirts of Pittsburgh to declare the seriousness of his offer and his love for Justin.

Justin was certain that Brian would sell the house once they decided marriage was not the right step for them, and Justin had left for New York.  Justin was shocked to learn that Brian had kept the mansion, and even more surprised to learn the house was in both of their names.  Brian truly had bought Britin, as Justin had dubbed it soon after their engagement, for his prince.

Once Brian had been settled in with more pain killers, a mild sedative, and an admonishment from the nurse that perhaps he was trying to do too much too soon, Justin had fled back to the loft.  He found himself doing the one thing he had vowed never to do, and proceeded to go through Brian's personal effects, because, fuck, he had to try to figure out what had been going through Brian's head before his accident. 

He found the key and got into the large, flat, locked metal box that Brian kept on the top shelf of his closet, where Justin knew Brian kept copies of all his important papers for easy access. After his bout with testicular cancer Brian had once showed Justin where he kept the key and told him to look in that box if anything ever happened to him.  Justin rationalized that something certainly had happened to Brian, so he was safe to invade Brian's privacy right now.

He took a deep breath and opened the box.  He noticed a key taped inside the lid with a note written in Brian's precise hand with a safety deposit number and the name of Brian's bank, and another set of keys labeled "Britin".  Shit.  Justin's heart tightened as he set aside the familiar jewelry box that held the rings from their wedding that wasn't, and flipped through some photos, that were mostly of him and Gus, stopping on the one of he and Brian at that long ago art show at the GLC.  Jesus, how young they both looked. 

He felt a pang of nostalgia and regret when he saw the shell bracelet that had adorned Brian's wrist constantly for the first few years Justin had known Brian.  The same bracelet that Brian's nephew had stolen from him during the terrible time the boy, Brian's sister and his own mother had accused Brian of molesting young John.  Justin had played a key role in clearing Brian's name, and the last time he had seen the bracelet was when he had brought it back to his then ex-lover, tying it back onto his wrist.  Justin had still been with another man at the time, and that was the last time he had seen the bracelet.  He had never asked Brian about where it had gone.

He set the photos and bracelet aside and came across a folder with his name on it.  He opened it and sucked in his breath.  There were the mortgage papers for the house, and sure enough he was listed as the co-owner.  God.  He shuffled through more papers and stopped abruptly because, fuck, there was a copy of Brian's will.  Justin read through it and was shocked to see that he was the executor, and after some concessions for Gus and various other members of their little family, he was set to inherit a large portion of Brian's sizable estate.  Still.  After he and Brian had basically broken up months ago.

He sighed and closed the folder, setting it aside.  He looked back in the box and found something wrapped in tissue paper.  He carefully moved aside the layers of delicate paper and his eyes welled with tears as the blood encrusted silk scarf from that long ago, ill-fated prom dance appeared.  Justin had often wondered what had happened to the gruesome reminder that he had pulled from Brian's neck that first time they had made love after the bashing.

Justin gently wrapped the scarf back in its protective layers and began to pack the other items back in the box when he noticed something solid sticking out from under a soft cloth that Justin thought was simply lining the bottom of the box.  He pulled the scarf out and set in on the table and moved the cloth.  This time he couldn't help the tears that fell unbridled down his cheeks.  There was the sketch of Brian he had shown at the GLC art show back when they had first met.  It was also the first drawing Justin had ever sold.  That sketch of Brian lying naked and asleep in his bed.  The sketch Justin had done when he was seventeen, and so gone over Brian he couldn't even see straight.

Brian had bought the sketch.  Brian had never told him.  Brian had kept it all these years, safe and preserved.  Brian loved him.  He knew that.  He had always known that, even when he thought he didn't.  Maybe it was time to rethink just how much.

"Honey, we're here."  Jennifer had parked her car near the front door of Britin and ran a gentle hand over her son's hair to get his attention.

Justin jumped a little and sat up looking around.  "Sorry, Mom,” Justin smiled.  "I was just thinking about something."

"Sure, honey,” Jennifer smiled back.  "Shall we look around?  I'm so anxious to see the place.  I never got the chance since you cancelled..."  She trailed off.

"The wedding," Justin finished for her. 

To her credit Jennifer had not batted an eye when Justin, obviously upset, had called her a few hours ago and asked her to go for a ride with him.  She knew he had been very worried about Brian's condition after his accident, though he hadn't really spoken to her about it.  She wondered what had prompted her son to leave Brian's side at the hospital, where he had been seemingly glued for the last five days.   "Right, the wedding," she replied.  "Honey, I thought the two of you broke up, and now I find out you've been, what, sleeping together, and he still has this house?  What's going on?"

"Michael has the biggest mouth!" Justin complained as he opened his door and exited the car.  "I can't believe he told you that."

"Honey, that's the least of your worries right now."  Jennifer followed him out of the car to the front door of the house.  "Besides, it wasn't Michael's fault.  Deb dragged it out of him that first night we were at the hospital waiting to see if Brian was going to be okay."

"Ahhh, Deb,” Justin commented knowingly as he unlocked and opened the door.  A warning beep sounded from the alarm and Justin punched in the code that he had found with the keys. 

"Wow," Jennifer exclaimed as she walked through the foyer into the great room.  "Honey, this is beautiful."  Justin didn't reply and she turned around to find Justin sitting on one of the Italian leather sofas with his face in his hands.  "Justin, what's wrong?"

"Fucking asshole,” Justin muttered as tears fell unchecked through his fingers.

"Justin?" 

Justin flung out his hand.  "Look at this!!"

"I know, honey.  It's gorgeous."

Justin threw his mom an unreadable look and stood up.  He walked to the fireplace running a hand along the refurbished mantle.  "This is everything we were planning to do to this place before we cancelled the wedding and I left.  As far as I knew we cancelled all the plans for the renovations when we called off the wedding.  He had them done anyway." 

Justin took off for the stairs and almost ran to the top.  He made his way down the long hall to the large double doors at the end.  He flung open the doors and gasped.  "Fuck."

"My God!” Jennifer, who had followed her son into what could be nothing other than the master bedroom, exclaimed.  "Is that yours?" she whispered almost reverently as she stepped closer to examine the large painting above the California king sized bed.  Everything in the room coordinated with the colors of the beautiful abstract.

Justin nodded.  "It's the first thing I painted in New York.  Just a few days after I left here, actually."

"I didn't see it in any of your shows,” Jennifer commented.

"It sold the moment the gallery hung it.  They said the owner insisted on having it right away."  He snorted.  Neither of them said anything else as they slowly walked through the rest of the house.

Jennifer was busy admiring all the state of the art appliances in the kitchen when Justin walked through the mud room to what he thought was the back door.  Off to the left there was a door to the backyard, but straight ahead was another door, which he opened.  "Fuck."

"Justin?" Jennifer called out.

"In here."

"Whoa,” Jennifer commented as she made her way into the fully stocked art studio which was basically made up of three walls of windows.  She moved over to where Justin was staring out the window at the fully landscaped backyard that included an elaborate wooden play structure. 

"We fought like crazy about that stupid play structure,” Justin said quietly.  "He wanted to put it down by the tennis court, but I told him that was stupid.  That it needed to be closer to the house so it would be easier to keep an eye on the kids."

"You won."

Justin didn't say anything for a long time.  "Why does he have to make everything so fucking difficult?  I leave for New York and he pushes me away, but like, in this totally caring and controlling way."  He turned to face his mother.  "And the sex...well, mom, I guess it doesn't shock you to know that that's the one thing that's always worked for us.  No reason to fuck that up too.  But then he got hurt and he's like all sweet and creepy now, and then I find all of this.  I don't know what to think or do.  I really don't."

"Honey, look at this place.  Everything about this house screams a mixture of Brian and you.  He must have figured you'd be living here together one day.  He loves you so much Justin.  Anyone can see that."

"But one of the reasons we called off the wedding was that I didn't want him to settle for a life that he really didn't want.  I didn't want him to change so much for me that he would hate himself and me later on."  He wiped at a stray tear that had made its way down his cheek.

Jennifer smiled tenderly and moved to pull her son into a tight embrace.  Justin sniffled a little bit and Jennifer gently pushed him away from her so she could look into his eyes.  She reached up and brushed his bangs out of his eyes.  "Honey, has it ever occurred to you that he has changed, that he really does want that life with you?  Maybe he was just letting you believe what you wanted to so that you would follow your dreams in New York.”

“But I don’t want him to change,” Justin replied meekly as he sat down in a nearby chair.  “I don’t want to lose the Brian I love so much.”

Jennifer smiled and pulled up a footstool in front of Justin.  “Justin, a man can change parts of himself without losing his core being.  It’s called growing up, sweetheart.  Just because he settles into a life here with you, and maybe even chooses monogamy, doesn’t make him any less the man you love.  He’s still that drop dead gorgeous, sarcastic, fuck-em-all, infuriating guy, but even better, because he’ll be all yours.

Justin bit down on his thumbnail and looked up at his mother. “Do you really think he’s ready? You don’t think it’s just brain damage?”

Jennifer burst out laughing.  “No, I don’t think Brian has brain damage,” she replied when she could talk again.  She stood up and rubbed Justin’s head playfully.  “I’ve visited the wonderful world of brain damage before, and this isn’t it.”

“Mom!”

“Well?  It’s true, isn’t it?  Brian hasn’t once tried to throw me into a dresser since he woke up,” Jennifer teased, referring to the time after the bashing when Justin’s temper was out of control.

“That’s not funny!” Justin groused. “Besides, there are different symptoms, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”  Jennifer smiled gently and then sobered as she reached for Justin’s hand and pulled him up.  She cupped his face in both hands and looked into his eyes.  “There’s only one way to find out for sure what’s on Brian’s mind.”

“Ask him?”  Justin smiled.

“Yep, just ask him,” she nodded, as she pulled him down and placed a gentle kiss on the side of his head where she knew the scar from the bashing hid under his hair.  “And know that I’m here for you no matter what his answer.”

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