*********************************************

Definition: An ejaculation, sometimes called an aspiration, is a short prayer meant to be memorized and repeated throughout the day. In this way, we can heed Saint Paul 's injunction to "Pray without ceasing" and continually turn our thoughts toward God.

Pronunciation: ee-jack-you-LAY-shun
Also Known As: aspiration

A Common Ejaculation:
The Jesus Prayer
O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

*********************************************

Author’s Note: Thanks to my good friend, Eileen, for giving me the idea for the title. She’s a good Catholic school girl from way back who remembered having to recite her “ejaculations,” daily. Thanks to Doll for the wonderful picture, and of course a great big thanks to my bootylicious beta, Thyme.

*********************************************

One week after Brian Kinney turned thirty-nine he got a call at his office from a blubbering mess, whom he thought he recognized as his sister, Claire. At first he had the strange thought that she was calling to lament his age with him, but then he remembered they hated each other and didn't really speak. Reports vary a little as to whether this was Brian's first or second thirty-ninth birthday, but that's really neither here nor there, the fact is, that the reason for his sister's call was to tell Brian that their mother was dead.

Surprising to some, well, to those who had not been paying attention lately, Brian's first call was not to Michael, his best friend since they were fourteen, but to Justin, Brian's partner, more or less, since Brian was twenty-nine.

When his cell rang, Justin quickly wiped his hands on a rag and moved over to where it lay on the desk in his studio at his and Brian's house in the country, or Britin, as they liked to call it. He smiled when he saw the name on the screen. "Hey."

"Hey."

Justin bit his lip at the tone of Brian's voice and immediately braced himself. "What's up?"

"I'll probably be late tonight."

"Okay." Justin studied a paint covered fingernail, waiting. Though he never asked for, or expected an explanation for the nights Brian came home late, he could tell he was going to get one right now, and that he wasn't going to like it.

Justin almost felt Brian's sigh. "My mother's dead."

"Fuck. How?"

"She was at church lighting a fucking candle or something and tripped on the stairs on her way out. Her head hit the steps and she died at the hospital a few hours later."

"Oh…um…"

Justin's ensuing silence was almost deafening, and Brian took out his PDA and wrote "rendered Justin speechless," under the day's date. After a few more seconds he finally let his lover off the hook. "Rather poetic, I thought."

"Brian." The name was a question, comfort, agreement, and maybe just a touch of admonishment all rolled into one. Fuck, was it any wonder why he loved Justin so much?

"So anyway, my fucking sister is a mess as usual, so I need to go over there and take control of the situation."

"I could come…"

"No," Brian interrupted. "There's no need. I'll be fine."

Justin really hadn't expected any other response. "Fine. Call me if you need me."

"Yeah."

"I love you. Later."

Before Justin hung up, he heard Brian call out, "Sunshine, wait."

"Yes?"

"There is something you can do to help out."

"What's that?"

"Be naked when I get home."

Justin smiled. "Got it."

As soon as he hung up Justin immediately dialed Michael's number. Brian may not have needed Justin right then, but Justin knew what, or who, in this case, his lover did need. Justin always knew.

*********************************************

"Holy shit! I think Claire's a bigger mess than she was when your dad died," Michael exclaimed when he entered Brian's mom's bedroom, where Brian was currently in the closet trying to find something decent for the burial.

Brian stepped back into the room. "Well, the poor child is an orphan now. What do you expect?" He didn't even have to ask what the fuck Michael was doing there, or how he knew. Brian assumed a certain blond twink had sent his best friend, and secretly he was glad, though he'd never tell either Justin or Mikey that.

"Yeah, a forty-three year old orphan. Where the fuck are her kids? Why aren't they here taking care of her? That poor priest is down there drowning in snot."

"Who the fuck knows where they are," Brian scoffed. "Jail probably. That's where they belong, anyway. Besides, isn't that the good reverend's job? When he's not taking it up the ass in the backroom, that is." Of course Brian was referring to the time he and Justin had, in fact, inadvertently fucked Reverend Tom at the baths. He held up two dresses. "Which one is the least ugly?"

Michael shrugged and pointed at the navy blue one. "That one I guess."

Brian immediately threw the other one onto the bed. "The pink it is, then," he stated and went back to the closet to look for shoes.

"Brian!" Michael exclaimed.

"What?" Brian came out with a pair of pumps. "She's fucking dead, Mikey. It's not like she gives a fuck. She's up there right now in her sanctimonious heaven, probably dreaming up ways to smite us."

"I'm not so sure that's where she is at all," Michael muttered under his breath. He looked over at Brian who was now over at the dresser, flinging pantyhose over his shoulder.
"Brian, are you okay?" Brian ignored his friend and kept manically digging for the perfect pair of hose. "Brian…dammit, stop for a minute!" Michael spit out as flying
undergarments landed on his head.

He reached Brian and laid a hand on his arm. "Brian, look at me for a minute. I just want to know if you're all right."

Brian turned around and didn't bother to suppress a snort of laughter when he caught sight of his best friend. "I'm fine, Mikey. Why wouldn't I be?" He reached up and pulled off the offending garments.

"Uh, because your mother just died, asshole."

"I've barely talked to the woman in five years, and the last time we tried to bond she told me that God gave me cancer to punish me for being gay. Why should I be upset?" Brian rolled his tongue in his cheek.

"She hurt you…repeatedly," was Michael's simple reply.

"Well, fuck her, and fuck this," Brian replied. "I just need to get this shit over with so I can get on with my life." He turned back to the dresser.

"Right." Michael studied his best friend's back. "I think I'll just go downstairs and see if Reverend Tom needs rescuing."

"Good idea, you do that, Mikey," Brian said without turning around.

As soon as Michael was out of the bedroom he dialed his cell. "Yeah, Justin? It's me…"

 

*********************************************

Brian held up well during the funeral and following reception. He refrained from sharing any family horror stories as he had done at his father's funeral, but, of course, he had grown up a lot since then. Also, Claire had finally stopped crying and was more or less in a stupor from being stuffed full of Emmett's catered goodies and all the Beam that Brian kept plying her with. He didn't want to destroy the delicate balance by upsetting her again.

At the church Brian had insisted, much to Claire's embarrassment, and Justin's chagrin, that Justin stand by Brian's side to greet people and accept condolences, as part of the family. Of course, Brian felt he was making a statement, and silently dared anyone to refute him, but Reverend Tom had merely smiled benevolently at Brian's choice.

The first few ladies that approached hesitantly shook Brian's hand, and rushed right past Justin, moving quickly to Claire and her sons. Brian raised an eyebrow at Reverend Tom, who simply inclined his head.

And then after some of Brian's friends, came the next batch of church ladies. The first one through introduced herself as Rose, looking Brian right in the eye. "So, you're Joan's son, Brian." She shook his hand.

"Yes."

"She spoke of you."

"I'm sure."

"She didn't tell us you were so handsome."

Brian shrugged and gestured next to himself. "This is my partner, Justin Taylor."

"Ah." Rose nodded as if it were all clear to her now, and then held her hand out to shake Justin's. "It's nice to meet you, Justin."

"Thank you."

Rose turned back to Brian. "I'm sorry for your loss, Brian."

"Thank you, Rose."

And then Rose did something unexpected. She turned back to her friends. "Too bad Joan was keeping this one hidden from us," she commented just loud enough for her cronies to hear. "He and his boyfriend make good eye candy!"

With that she gave Brian a playful pat on the cheek and moved on down to greet Claire. Some of the ladies behind her gasped in shock, but most simply giggled and greeted Brian and Justin most enthusiastically.

Brian wanted to smack the smug look off Reverend Tom's face, because somehow the church ladies' easy acceptance of him just made his mother's rejection sting all the more.

The last person to move down the line was another church lady, although how she remained Catholic and still so supportive of the gay community, including her own brother and son, Brian had never understood. Michael's mother, Debbie, took Brian's hand and looked into his eyes. "I'm proud of you, honey. You grew up into a good man despite it all."

"Thanks, ma," he answered her quietly, meeting her gaze and silently thanking her for not offering comforting platitudes that she didn't mean and he didn't want.

Her eyes got watery and she reached up and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh, shit!" she exclaimed and began wiping at the lipstick marks with her thumb.

Justin produced a handkerchief that he had brought for just this occasion and handed it to her. "Thank you, Sunshine," she replied. "I'm real proud of you too, honey," she continued. She shoved the hankie at Brian and reached out to hug Justin, planting a kiss on his cheek too, leaving another lip print. "Shit! I did it again!" She grabbed the hankie back from Brian and began frantically dabbing at Justin.

Finally, Brian took control of the hankie. "Deb! Deb, they're ready to start. Why don't you have a seat? I think Michael and Ben saved a spot for you."

"All right, honey, I'm going. Keep your shirt on!"

Brian herded her into the sanctuary and then shared an affectionate look with Justin as Brian wiped the remains of Deb's lipstick off his lover's cheek. They turned to make their own way into the service, Brian's hand seeking Justin's as they moved down the aisle to the front pew.

 

*********************************************

After all the affairs had been settled, and after giving his half of everything to his sister, because he didn't want or need any of that shit, as he put it, Brian was happy for his life to go back to normal; except that it didn't.

Truthfully, Justin thought he was probably the only one who really noticed that Brian was starting to slip back into his old ways of pain management. More often than not, Brian came home late, and it was the car service that brought him, because he was too drunk to drive. Justin was thankful for at least that much. The old Brian would have just driven himself home, or attempted to, anyway.

Brian also wanted to spend a lot more time at Babylon, which meant that Justin also had to spend more time at Babylon, which was really fucking with his creative flow. But Brian and Justin had been monogamous for a year now, and no longer used condoms; therefore, if Brian wanted a quick fuck in the backroom, well actually in the office, because Babylon had a strict condom policy, Justin needed to be handy. The old Brian would have simply grabbed the first available body, so Justin supposed he was thankful to be the only one Brian wanted, even if he was painting for shit lately.

Come to think of it, Justin decided, Ted and Cynthia had probably been noticing Brian's behavior too. Brian's recovery time from these little drinking and drugging binges wasn't what it used to be, and Brian slept through his alarm more days than he got up. Justin didn't worry too much about it. Brian's beleaguered assistants were constantly on their boss to delegate more, anyway, and they would call if they really needed his expertise.

No, the real problem, Justin decided, as he sat staring at a blank canvas while Brian was still passed out in their bed at ten o'clock on a Thursday morning, was that Brian was pulling away from him. Brian had built some of his walls back up again, and Justin wasn't sure if he had the strength or the patience to knock them back down. It had only taken seven or eight years the first time.

Justin threw down his brush, picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Lindsay? Yeah, this is me. Remember when we talked about Gus coming for a visit? I think now would be a good time."

 

*********************************************

Brian sat on the couch in the media room and rested his bare feet up on the coffee table. Brian's nine-year-old son, Gus, plopped down next to him and copied his moves exactly, bare feet and all. Justin stood at the doorway and suppressed a laugh, or a cry, because seeing the two together always was a mixture of happy and sad. He really wished the girls would move back from Canada. Brian and Gus needed more time together.

"So, what do you want to do today, Sonny Boy?" It was the fourth day of Gus' month long visit and it seemed like they had already been all over Pittsburgh doing everything a kid would want to do.

"I don't know, dad. Maybe just hang out for awhile. I'm pretty beat."

Brian smiled and ruffled Gus' hair. "You are, huh? Is it that hard to keep up with your old man?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So, are you having fun?"

"Sure. It's fun to be with men for a change. Sometimes a house full of females can wear a guy out."

"Yeah, I seem to remember something like that," Brian chuckled.

"When did you live with girls, Dad? I thought that you think girls are yucky."

"When I was a kid I lived with my older sister and, of course, my mother. I do pretty much think girls are kind of yucky, but I didn't have a choice back than. Kind of like you now."

"Dad?"

"Yes, Gus?"

"Are you sad that your mom died?"

Brian stiffened a little, and Justin moved just a tiny bit closer, but still stayed in the doorway behind them, although Brian probably knew he was there. "That's kind of a tough question for me to answer, Sonny Boy," Brian replied honestly.

"I would be really sad if anything ever happened to Mom or Mama. Is it hard because your mom told you that you are going to hell?"

Brian gaped at his son. "Where did you hear that?"

Gus shrugged. "I don't know, maybe I heard you and Justin or the moms talking about it. Sometimes I think you guys forget that kids have ears."

"Well, I'm sorry if you've heard anything that upset you."

"Nah, it only upsets me when the moms fight. You and Justin never fight in front of me. You could cut back on the mushy stuff a little, though."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "We'll try to work on that."

"It upsets me when you're sad, Dad."

Brian's eyes shot up to meet his son's. "I'm not."

"Yeah, you are. I mean you're okay on the outside, but inside you're not. Your eyes are sad."

Justin backed up and leaned against the wall, because Gus had just told Brian what Justin hadn't been able to, over the last four weeks since Brian's mom had died.

Brian could only stare at the man-child sitting next to him, at a loss for words.

"Your mom wasn't very smart. I feel kind of sorry for her."

"Why…" Brian's voice cracked and he cleared his throat, starting again. "Why is that?"

"Because you're such a great dad, so that must mean you were a great son, too. There's no way someone as awesome as you could go to hell, so that means your mom probably just wasn't very smart, and Mama says we should be kind to people who aren't as smart as we are."

Brian slowly stood up and squeezed Gus' shoulder. "Um…I just…I just remembered that I have to call my office about something. I'll just…I'll just be a little while." He walked past Justin without a word and made his way to his home office.

Gus watched his father go for a moment and when he was out of sight, he turned to Justin. "Did I say something wrong?" His large brown eyes were full of concern.

Justin swiped at his eyes and moved to Gus, pulling the young boy into his arms. Justin was amazed at how smart, loving and insightful the boy was. This is the kind of child Brian could have been, Justin thought. If Brian had only been half as loved and respected as Gus is. "No, Gus, you didn't say anything wrong. In fact I think you said something just right."

 

*********************************************

Two hours later Justin quietly pushed open the door to his and Brian's room. He had come home and searched the house for his lover, finally thinking to check the bedroom. Brian was curled up on their bed, awake, but silent, and as Justin moved forward he could see the dried tears on his lover's face.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," Brian replied, slowly making his way to a sitting position as Justin sat on the bed next to him. Brian looked around. "Where's Gus?"

"I took him to Michael's store. You know how much he loves to help Michael out, and then they were going to get lunch at the diner. Michael said Deb's working today."

"That's good. I didn't scare him, did I?"

"Nah, he's just worried about you. I have been, too."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Justin smirked. "In the words of a great man I know. 'Sorry's bullshit.'"

"I don't know about great man," Brian ran a hand through his head. "I've been a shit lately."

"I've seen you shittier."

Brian looked at Justin. "Will you please just let me apologize?"

"Fine, but Brian, there's no need. I get it. I get you, remember?"

"I don't know why I let this upset me so much. I didn't even like her."

"She was your mom, Brian. My dad's a shit, but I would be upset if he died. Quit being so hard on yourself."

Brian was quiet for another moment. "Gus is a pretty smart kid, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he is. You should listen to him."

Brian looked thoughtful for a moment. "He thinks I'm awesome," he almost whispered.

"That's because you are."

"Fuck!" Brian choked out, as more tears rolled down his cheeks.

Justin pulled Brian into his arms. "You're a good man, Brian Kinney. I see it, Gus sees it, and all your friends see it. There's no escaping that fact. And Gus is right. Your mom was really stupid, because she let her religion get in the way of seeing it too. That was her problem, not yours."

Brian didn't answer for a long time as Justin simply held him, carding fingers through his soft hair. Finally he pulled himself out of Justin's loving embrace and cupped Justin's cheek in his palm. "Thanks, Sunshine." He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on
Justin's lips.

"Anytime," Justin breathed out.

Their lovemaking was slow and gentle, and Justin could practically feel Brian's walls fall away and their old connection repair itself instantly as Brian entered him.

When they finished they lay together for awhile, silently reveling in their closeness, but as time passed the real world edged its way back in. "We should go rescue Gus, I suppose." Brian kissed the top of Justin's head. "Deb will have stuffed him with food like a Christmas goose if we leave him there too much longer."

"Michael said he can stay with him and Ben if we want to go out tonight," Justin replied.

Brian was quiet for a moment before he replied. "Nah, I don't feel like going out. Besides, I don't want to miss any time with my son."

Justin graced Brian with one of his Sunshine smiles as he got up, pulling Brian with him. "All right. Let's go pick up Gus then."

"Hey, Sunshine?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we could stop at the cemetery on the way there? I think I have some unfinished business I'd like to take care of."

Justin hugged him and smiled. "I think that's a great idea. Come on. We need a shower first."

Brian stopped. "Justin?"

"Yes, Brian?"

"Am I the only who is very scared to think of dealing with Gus as a teenager?"

"No, I'm terrified! Thank God for his mothers."

"Amen, Sunshine. Amen."

The End

Return to Kris'