Brain Damage/Brian Damage

Chapter 8

==================================================================

Justin rolled his eyes when he heard the front doorbell ring. Lily had already been in this morning to bring him some cookies. Justin appreciated the food, but he knew that Brian had put her up to checking on him on her day off. Today was the first day since their return from New York that Brian had gone into Kinnetik. Justin had practically had to push him out the door this morning.

He wiped his hands on a rag and made his way out of the studio to answer the door. He looked through the peephole and sighed. "Hi, Mom. Hi, Deb," he said with false enthusiasm as he opened the door and let them in.

"We were just in the neighborhood," his mom said as she kissed his cheek and moved past him into the house.

"We brought lunch." Debbie held up some bags from the diner.

"Right. You were 'in the neighborhood' in West Virginia. Brian sent you, didn't he?" Justin accused.

"He just worries about you, honey," Jennifer replied.

"He doesn't need to. I'm fine here by myself." Justin followed Debbie and Jennifer into the kitchen.

"Well, we're here anyway, so suck it up and enjoy yourself," Debbie replied as she patted his cheek.

Justin sullenly threw himself into a seat at the table in the breakfast nook, while Jennifer and Debbie got lunch together. When it was ready they sat down with Justin, pushing a plate in front of him.

"So, any new memories?" Jennifer asked, taking a bite of her salad.

"Yeah, lots," Justin answered around his cheeseburger.

"Oh?" asked Jennifer.

Justin knew she was fishing, but he didn't really want to talk about it. It seemed that his memories, or lack thereof, were all anyone talked about anymore. "Nothing important," he replied noncommitally.

"Okay, honey," Jennifer replied hesitantly, sensing his moodiness.

"So, I got new pictures of J.R. from Mel and Lindsay," Deb commented to ease the tension. "Would you like to see them?"

"Um, are they different than the five hundred pictures Michael showed us at dinner on Sunday?" Justin asked with an innocent face.

Deb smacked him upside the head. "You little shit!"

"Hey!" Justin protested. "Watch the head. Brain damage guy here."

"You show my beautiful granddaughter the respect she deserves," Debbie smiled at him sweetly.

"Sorry, Deb." Justin managed to look contrite.

"We'd love to see the pictures," Jennifer finally interrupted.

Debbie had them out in a flash. "Oh, look at this one." She handed the picture to Justin. "I swear she looks just like Vic here."

Justin was literally saved by the bell when the house phone rang. He got up and grabbed the cordless off the wall. "Hello?"

"May I speak with Justin Taylor please?"

"This is he."

"Hello, this is Liz Bentley from the Pittsburgh Tribune."

"Oh, um, hi," Justin answered, obviously puzzled as to why a reporter would be calling him.

"Mr. Taylor I'm calling in regards to Christopher Hobbs. I don't know if you've heard yet, but Mr. Hobbs was killed in an auto accident last night. I was wondering, given your history with him, if you had any sort of statement to make about that."

Justin was silent for a moment. He thought of Chris, the jock he went to school with and secretly lusted after until he turned out to be a total closet case asshole. He thought of jerking Chris off in the equipment room after school that time and the confrontation he had had with him on Liberty Avenue. What he couldn't understand was why a reporter would be calling and asking for a comment on Chris' untimely death. Chris Hobbs was dead. Wow.

"Mr. Taylor?" Liz prompted.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Um, please just say that I'm sorry for his family's loss," he replied, still slightly flustered by the whole thing.

"And that's it?" Liz sounded slightly disappointed, and Justin wasn't really sure why.

"That's it," Justin said firmly, listening to the small voice inside, telling him to get off the phone ASAP.

"Well, that's very generous. Thank you for your time."

"You're welcome," he responded politely and then hung up. He stared at the phone, not really sure what to think.

"Justin?" Jennifer asked. "What was that about?"

He started a bit, having forgotten that his mom and Debbie were still there. He turned to face them. "That was a reporter from the Tribune. She wanted to know if I had a comment about Chris Hobbs dying in a car crash last night. Why the fuck would I have anything to say about that to the newspaper?"

Jennifer went pale and reached out to clutch Debbie's hand at the same time the other woman reached for her. "Chris Hobbs is dead?" Jennifer whispered tightly.

Justin looked suspiciously at his mother. "Apparently." He cocked his head to the side. "Mom, what's going on?"

Jennifer was about to give her son an explanation, but the memory hit him first. It came hard and fast just as it had all those years ago at Gus' first birthday party. Justin heard Brian call his name and turned in time to see Chris coming at him with the bat. Then came the thud, the sharp sound of bone breaking and blinding pain. Justin felt stuck in the pain and the fear as his pulse quickened and his breathing became labored.

Justin crouched to the floor and backed himself into a corner. His hands covered his face and Jennifer knew he was having a panic attack. She also knew that he wouldn't accept her touch. "Debbie, call Brian," she said in a calm voice.

"Yeah, sure, of course," Debbie answered in a concerned voice. She picked up the cordless and moved into the other room so Justin wouldn't hear.

Jennifer sat on the floor just a few feet away from Justin, talking in a low, soothing voice.

"Hey," Brian answered his phone casually and Debbie knew he thought it was Justin calling.

"Brian, it's me," Debbie spoke.

Brian was immediately on alert. "What's wrong? Are you with Justin?"

"We need you," she replied. "Justin needs you."

"I'm actually only about ten minutes away. What the fuck happened, Deb? He was fine this morning."

"Some asshole reporter called here. They wanted to know if Justin had a comment about Chris Hobbs dying in a car wreck last night."

"Fuck!" Brian exclaimed. "What did Justin say?"

"Well, at first he couldn't figure out why they wanted to talk to him. And then his whole face changed. Christ, Brian, he got even paler if you can believe it. He's on the floor in a corner and he won't let us near him. He's not talking to us. I think it's a panic attack. You need to hurry."

"I'll be there soon." Brian pressed on the gas and hung up so he could concentrate on the road.

==================================================================

Brian rushed into the kitchen and surveyed the scene. Justin was indeed huddled in the corner, eyes staring at nothing and breathing erratically. Jennifer sat across from him speaking softly, while Deb stood by watching helplessly. Brian quickly removed his suit jacket and tie and handed them off to Deb.

He placed a gently hand on Jennifer's shoulder and squeezed. She looked up to him gratefully. "He hasn't moved. I don't think he knows what's going on. Do you think we need an ambulance?"

"No," Brian replied, his eyes not leaving his husband. "This has happened before."

Jennifer nodded mutely and tried valiantly to hold back her tears. She suddenly felt unreasonably angry that she wasn't the one that could reach her own son.

Brian squeezed her shoulder again and finally looked into her eyes. "He does need you." Jennifer gave him a quick smile.

"Justin," Brian said quietly as he approached his husband. He moved slowly and took Justin into his arms.

Justin jumped a bit and looked around him. "Brian?"

"It's me. How are you?" He gently held Justin's face and looked into his eyes.

"I...I don't know. I'm not sure what's happening," Justin breathed out as he folded himself into Brian's chest.

"It's all right." Brian stood up, pulling Justin with him. As soon as they were both upright, he swung Justin up into his arms and Justin simply buried his face into Brian's neck. Brian turned to Debbie and Jennifer. "You can probably go now."

"But..." Jennifer started.

"This isn't something you can help with, Jen," Brian stated.

Jennifer met Brian's gaze and was taken back to that time after the bashing when she had gone to Brian, asking him to take Justin. Her son had been out of control and there was nothing she could do. "Do you want me to fuck him?" Brian had asked. She remembered how shocked she had been by Brian's bluntness, but also at her own reply. "If that's what it takes."

Jennifer shook herself out of the memory. "Let's go, Debbie." She turned back to Brian. "You'll call me?"

Brian nodded and moved off toward the stairs to their bedroom. "Lock up for us, will you?"

Jennifer and Debbie nodded and watched as Brian gently carried Justin away.

==================================================================

An hour later Justin stirred from his troubled sleep. "Brian?" he called.

"Here," Brian pulled him tighter into his arms. "I'm right here, Sunshine."

"Chris Hobbs...he attacked me with a bat? I remember it hitting my head."

Brian cleared his throat. "Yes."

"When?"

"At your prom. After...when you walked me out to the Jeep."

"The prom? But you came to the prom. We danced and it was so amazing. I knew that you loved me. How could...?" he trailed off.

Brian remained quiet for a few moments. "I was so fucked up about my birthday, so afraid of getting old."

"You'll always be young and beautiful."

Brian snorted. "That's what Mikey told me, too. Anyway, I decided that you made me young, Justin. You made me feel...well, you made me feel something. I wasn't ready to call it love back then, but I knew it was special. So I came to your prom and yes, we shared an amazing dance together."

"And an amazing kiss," Justin smiled.

Brian pulled Justin into a replica of that kiss. "Yes, and an amazing kiss," he replied after pulling away. "And then." His voice broke a bit. "And then when you woke up from your coma three weeks later, you didn't remember any of it."

Justin sucked in a breath and Brian watched as the tears filled his blue eyes. "God," he breathed. He was shocked when he saw a tear trail down Brian's cheek as well. "Brian?" He reached up and wiped at the tear with his thumb.

"This is so hard for me to talk about."

"I'm sorry I'm making you re-live all of it. I'm sure we've said this stuff a million times."

Brian laughed out loud. He stood up and moved to the window. Justin didn't follow him, sensing that he needed some space. "That's just it, Justin." He turned to face his lover. "We've never talked about it. We were both so fucked up about all of it. You couldn't remember and I couldn't forget, or stop blaming myself for not stopping it. I just kept telling you to forget it happened." He snorted wryly at the irony of that comment.

Justin sat lost in thought. Sometimes if he let his mind stay still the memories that often floated like fragments in his head would sharpen into focus. "The hospital," he whispered. He looked up into Brian's eyes. "You never visited me in the hospital. I remember that. I remember being so angry with you for that."

"Yeah, well, I was too busy fucking myself up to be too worried about your anger. But I did visit, Justin. I was there keeping watch over you every night, to make up for the one time that I didn't protect you."

"I didn't know that," Justin replied softly. "I mean I don't think I ever knew that."

"No, I never told you. Your mother knew, but she respected my wishes. Fuck! She was happy that you didn't know. She blamed me too. She wanted me out of your life."

"I remember, but then I was so angry and scared. You wouldn't see me and I pushed mom and scared Molly."

"You remember that, huh?"

"It kind of keeps trickling in."

"Do you remember your hand? That's why your hand cramps up. They told you that you might not draw again, but you proved them wrong."

"That's why my art is so different," Justin stated.

"Yes."

Justin stood up and moved to Brian. "I think I told you it wasn't your fault already, but maybe I need to say it again."

"I don't think I'll ever completely believe you, but thanks."

"I had panic attacks," Justin said softly. "That's what happened today, wasn't it? A panic attack?"

"Yeah," Brian replied. "And it may keep happening Justin, now that all of that is coming back to you. It was a long road to recovery for you, but you did it. I'm hoping you'll remember that part too. You were so fucking strong. Just like you've been these past few weeks."

"I was strong because I had you, Brian."

"I don't know. Sometimes I think I did more harm than good."

"No, I don't think so." Justin let Brian pull him into his arms and they both stood silent for a moment. "I was different, wasn't I? After I woke up?"

"Of course you were. We both were."

"I mean that's why I did all those stupid things. Like Ethan and the Pink Posse."

"Yes, and that's why I let you do those things."

"Because you loved me?"

"Yes, because I love you."

"Brian?" Justin looked into Brian's eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad we talked about this."

Brian chuckled even as another tear rolled down his cheek. "Me, too," he whispered into Justin's hair.

==================================================================

In the wee hours of the morning, Justin woke up from a sound sleep and sat up quickly in bed.

"Jus?" Brian asked groggily. "What is it? Nightmare?"

"Chris Hobbs is dead."

"Yes, he is. Almost makes me believe in karma."

"Did you know I almost killed him myself?" he said as if in a daze. He focused and turned to Brian. "Did I ever tell you that?"

Brian was slightly startled. "No, you never told me. When was this?"

"Um, with Cody, that night I quit the Pink Posse. I held a gun to his head and I wanted to kill him. I had the gun cocked and everything." Brian nodded. He had suspected that something like that had gone down that night, but Justin had never confided in him. "Cody wanted me to kill him, was egging me on, but I couldn't. Then I would've been no better than him. I can't believe he's dead now."

Brian sat up. "How do you feel about that?"

Justin turned to him as tears began to fall. "I don't know."

 Return to Brain Damage/Brian Damage