Judas

Doubting Thomases

Justin's POV

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I was working on a painting when my cell phone rang. Irritated at the interruption, I grabbed it and answered without looking at it. I wasn't prepared for the voice I heard on the other end.

"Why did you leave?"

"Brian?" I asked more out of shock that he was asking the question than any doubt about who it was.

"Who the hell else would it be? Don't you ever use your caller ID? Now answer the question. Why did you leave?" He was already getting impatient. I could hear it in his voice.

"Because you didn't want me to stay." That's really the best answer I can give him. Brian made it clear it was time for me to go. I would have found a way to stay if I thought for a second it was what he wanted.

"So it wasn't because of"

I don't let him finish that sentence. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid that he would remember Ethan's name or that he wouldn't. Either way, I decide to interrupt him. "Ethan, no it really wasn't about him."

"Goodnight Sunshine." His voice gets all quiet and almost gentle. Then he hangs up the phone, and I'm left sitting there wondering what the hell just happened. I'm tempted to call him back and demanded to know why he called, but I know Brian. He already regrets calling me so he would try to pass the whole thing off as nothing.

But it's not nothing, at least not to me. I'm amazed Brian would even ask the question. He should know why I left; maybe better than I do. I've always known in some way he orchestrated the whole thing. He may not have arranged for me to meet Ethan, but as I said it was never really about him. I would have been gone sooner or later; Brian saw to that. I'm not blaming Brian for what happened between us. I'm just finally accepting that my leaving was what he wanted. All Ethan did was make it easier for me to see that.

Which is why I don't understand how for one second Brian could think I left him for Ethan. One thing Brian never lacked was confidence. He should know Ethan could never compete with him. I practically begged Brian to let me know he was still interested. He had to realize what was going on. He had to realize that one sign from him, and I would have forgotten Ethan ever existed. So why ask the question?

What if Brian doesn't know; where does that leave me? If Brian didn't push me out the door, why did I leave? I said it was because Brian didn't want me to stay, but maybe that's not true. Maybe I am trying to push the blame onto Brian instead of admitting I failed. It's easier to believe Brian didn't want me than to accept that I couldn't make it work. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, and I walked away. I told my parents all I wanted was to be with Brian, and it was true. I always thought if I wanted something badly enough, I could find a way to have it. So how the hell did I end up here?

I never thought being with Brian would be easy. I'm not stupid. And it's not like everyone didn't try to warn me. And I mean everyone. I can't think of a single person who ever believed Brian and I could make our relationship work, including Brian. But that never bothered me because I believed. I thought I believed enough for everyone. I thought I could see something in Brian no one else did. All Brian's friends were so sure they knew exactly who he was, they never gave him a chance to become something else. I wanted more from him, and amazingly enough, sometimes I got it. And since I wasn't conditioned to see Brian as an uncaring asshole, I saw through a lot of his games. I still can't believe no one realized he pushed Michael into David's arms, that he gave up Gus because he loves him, that he saved Lindsay and Melanie's wedding because he wanted them to have their perfect day. I knew Brain was capable of love. But I guess when it came to being in love, I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.

There was a time when I didn't just think Brian loved me, I knew he did. And there was nothing in the world that could have made me leave him. After Gus's birthday party, after we made love that night, I felt closer to Brian than I ever had. There was a kindness and gentleness in him that for once he didn't try to hide. He wasn't trying to disguise his feelings. I could feel how much he cared for me. Things were good for a long time after that. Brian showed me over and over again that he loved me. I can remember him walking down Liberty Avenue with me when he was helping me get used to crowds again. He wasn't worried about anyone seeing him hold my hand or put his arm around me. He made me feel safe when nothing else could. And then there was Pride. Trying to replace the dance I lost was probably the sweetest thing Brian ever did for me. After Brian fell asleep that night, I stayed up for along time just looking at him. I remember thinking that it didn't matter if Brian could ever tell me he loved me. I had seen it in the way he looked at me, and that was all I needed. I was so sure that as long as I knew he loved me everything would work out.

But instead it all fell apart. I wasn't strong enough to live without the words. I couldn't believe enough for both of us. I'm not sure when I started doubting him. Maybe it was when Michael told me he kept me around out of guilt. I could never get that idea out of my head. Everything I thought of as love was a way for Brian to punish himself. I should have been so happy when he came after me. Instead, I came up with the stupid rules. They were my way of making Brian prove he wanted me. But the damage was done. Everything he did took on such significance. I was constantly judging his actions. Looking for proof that he loved me or that he didn't. More and more he started showing me that he didn't. Looking back, I think I really gave up after he destroyed the drawings of Rage. He knew how hard I had fought to get my art back. In so many ways, he was the one who gave it back to me. Which is why it hurt so much that he would do that. I don't think he ever understood exactly what he did. Sure he apologized; he even said he was jealous of the time Michael and I were spending together. But he never realized why I was so upset. Brian had hurt me before. But it was usually about him. Mostly, he would hurt me to protect his own feelings. But this was different. He watched me struggle to find a way to draw again. He knew more than anyone what it meant to me. But he was willing to take it away from me. He did take it away from me. I guess what that told me was when Brian lashed out, nothing was off limits. He'd go right for the jugular and never give it a second thought.

Nothing was the same after that. There was my birthday, Vermont. In other circumstances, they wouldn't have mattered so much. I would have either told Brian how I felt or just let it go. But I couldn't stop listening to the voice in my head telling me Brian didn't give a fuck. Somehow it became about pride. I wouldn't let Brain see how disappointed I was. I didn't want to give him anything to use against me. As soon as I started worrying about protected myself, I started moving away from Brian.

That's when Ethan came along. He told me everything I wanted to hear; he offered me all things Brian never would. He had a way of constantly reminding me of all the things Brian didn't give me. I never told him about all the things Brian did do for me. For some reason, I couldn't remember them when I was with Ethan. I think I was glad Brian found out about Ethan. I felt like I would finally know how he felt about me. It was our moment of truth. If he wanted me, he would have to tell me. I didn't get the answer I wanted.

Until that day, a part of me still believed. I hadn't completely given up on the idea that Brian loved me. There was a song I heard once that said "hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of."* That's what I was doing. I stood there and told Brian Ethan love me, but I still gave Brian an out. I said Ethan loved me in ways Brian couldn't. I was just like Michael; finding ways to make excuses for him. Clinging to the thought that Brian did love me; he just didn't know how to show it. Trying to convince myself that he gave me everything he could and that it could be enough. But Brian shattered that illusion. He looked at me and told me Ethan loved me in ways that he wouldn't. In that second, all the fight went out of me. Brian told me he could love me if he wanted to, but he didn't. It was his choice not to love me. He wasn't being held back by his past; he just didn't want me. No matter how much I believed, I couldn't make Brian love me.

So why did I leave? I guess I should have told him it was because I gave up. I couldn't hold on tight enough. I couldn't hold it together by myself. I hate to admit it, but I did fail. I stopped believing in Brian and I. And once we both stopped believing, we never stood a chance. But what did I give up on? Did Brian love me, and I just stopped being able to see it? Or did I just stop seeing what I wanted to see and started actually listened to what Brian was telling me? It doesn't matter anymore. All I know is that I gave up on Brian. I gave up on us.

*lyrics from "Praying for Time" by George Michael

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