Judas

Cheating Judases

Brian's POV

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I can't get my last conversation with Justin out of my mind. The whole thing was off. He was off. I can't figure out where it all went wrong. Our shaking hands was not exactly a good start. But it went straight to hell when I switched from being a sarcastic bastard to being protective. Threatening the fiddler. What the fuck was that? I am not supposed to care if Justin gets hurt. Shouldn't he deserve it after falling for all that romantic bullshit? But instead of being happy, I found myself wanting to strangle the strolling violinist. Who the fuck is he to disappoint Justin? Hasn't he been disappointed enough?

And that's the real issue. I don't want anyone else disappointing Justin. I did it enough; I hurt him enough. Hell, half the time I did it on purpose. But he knew what he was getting into with me. I made sure he went in with his eyes wide open. Any illusions he developed about my character were his problem, not mine. I won't apologize for anything I did to him, but God help anyone else who hurts him. It might be fucked up, but that's how I feel. He doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. Between his family and me, he's been damaged enough. No one else gets a free shot at him. Not even Mikey.

Mikey, half that conversation could have been avoided if he had just told me Justin and the fiddler had broken up. It's not like he didn't know. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. Which led to an interesting little confrontation at Woody's the other night:

"I ran into Justin then other day."

He had been watching the door for Ben, but the mention of Justin's name got his attention. "Where?" his head snapped back in my direction.

"Downtown somewhere, we were both in the same office building," I shrugged.

"Oh, I thought maybe he went looking for you," he seemed to relax once he knew it was a chance meeting.

"We had a nice little chat. When the fuck were you going to tell me Justin was no longer the fiddler's greatest fan? And don't even try to pretend you didn't know. He's living with your mother for God's sake. I know she must tell you all about him whether you want to hear it or not. So what the fuck happened?"

"How would I know what happened? I try not to listen when Ma talks about him. He probably cheated on Ethan too. What the fuck do you care? He's out of your life now. Why would I tell you anything about him?" He crossed his arms over his chest. Mikey always gets defensive when he knows I'm pissed at him.

"Oh, I don't know. You seemed very interested in keeping me updated on Justin's activities a few months ago." Michael's whole attitude after he saw Justin with Ethan still bothered me. He never should have interfered in what went on between Justin and me.

"That was different. I was trying to protect you. You needed to see what he was really like."

"I know more about what Justin is really like than you ever will." This conversation was doing nothing but aggravating me so I decided to switch gears. It was Mikey's turn on the hot seat. "So when is the next issue of Rage coming out?"

I could practically see the wheels turning in his head over that change of subject. Finally he gathered himself enough to answer, "I'm not sure. I have to find a new artist first."

That floored me. I thought he would bitch about working with Justin. Maybe even tell me there wouldn't be a next issue. But I never thought he'd seriously consider replacing Justin. "Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you honestly think you can find an artist who can draw Rage the way Justin can; who will understand Rage the way Justin does? You are not getting a new artist."

"It's not up to you. I am not working with that lying cheating bastard."

I could almost hear the "and you can't make me" following that statement. I rolled my eyes at him, "Jesus Christ, Mikey will you grow up already. Justin didn't do anything to you. And what happened between us is none of your business. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him. Rage is your dream; don't fuck it up. And don't sell it short by doing some half assed job because you're mad at Justin. Rage deserves better, and so do you. Find a way to work with Justin." Ben choose that moment to walk in allowing me to make a well-timed exit. "Enjoy your evening with Buddha, but don't forget what I said."

Looking back on it, what bothers me is how Michael kept harping on the idea that Justin cheated on me. Even at the time, he seemed so angry about it. I don't know why. All he saw was Justin kissing Ethan, and he didn't know about the no kissing rule. I never discussed any of that with him. He certainly knew I was still fucking other guys. He watched me go to the backroom with countless men and never batted an eyelash, but he sees Justin kissing someone and it's a federal offence? It makes no sense.

Maybe that's what bothered me about what Justin said to me. He seemed to think I would enjoy badmouthing him with the fiddler. Like I'd let the piece of shit say one bad thing about Justin. But Justin seemed to expect it. He called himself an ungrateful shit. It was like he was placing all the blame for both breakups on himself. What kind of bullshit is that? Is that how he sees things? He can't possibly think that everything that happened between us was his fault. I could have stopped all of it if I wanted to. His leaving was my choice, and it wasn't because of anything he did.

But the more I think about it, everyone seems to blame him. All the same people who bitched at me for not treating him better were the first ones to rush to me with sympathy when he left. Instead of being glad Justin finally had enough sense to leave the Big Bad Wolf, they were all appalled that he actually left me. They fussed over me and my imaginary broken heart, but acted like Justin didn't exist. Except for Debbie, she's the only one who realized that whatever went wrong between us, we both played a part in it. The rest of them are hung up on the image of Justin leaving the party with Ethan. Somehow that is the great betrayal even though I was fucking Rage in the backroom. They can't believe Justin would dare cheat on the great Brian Kinney.

But did he? Was it even possible for him to cheat on me considering how open things were between us? I know we had the rules, but those were for him. I agreed to them so he'd feel a little more secure about his place in my life without me having to make some big declaration of love. I never cared about what Justin did with other guys. He could have fucked Ethan fifty times for all I cared as long as he kept his heart out of it. But that's Justin's problem. He still can't separate sex and emotion. He wants it all tied together with a neat little bow. The only time he ever really tricked was with me. He could focus his emotions on me, and all the other guy got was sex. I can take the sex by itself any time, but Justin can't.

That's how he ended up breaking the rules in the first place. He felt guilty about taking that sweet frat boy's virginity, and he ended up kissing him. I know Justin; he couldn't stand for it to be impersonal. And he had to justify running around with Ethan behind my back by convincing himself he had feelings for him. It couldn't be about sex and attraction; it had to be about all the emotional things Ethan offered him.

I guess you could say he cheated on me emotionally. He let his feelings get involved in something that should have been purely physical. He never belonged to me physically; the fact that I survived his blessedly short career as a go-go dancer is proof of that. He could share his body with anyone he wanted to, but the rest of him belonged to me. That's where he failed me. He let Ethan have more than just his body. Or at least he thought he did. Now I'm not so sure. He said he never let Ethan close enough to hurt him. What the hell kind of relationship is that? If Justin cared at all about him, Ethan would have been able to hurt him without trying. So if he couldn't cheat on me physically, and he never really gave himself to Ethan emotionally, how did we end up here?

As much as I want to believe I don't care; I do. Suddenly I need to know what he thinks. I pick up the phone and dial a still familiar number.

"Hello."

I freeze for a second when I first hear his voice. "Why did you leave?" No point in wasting time with pleasantries. Let's get right to the point.

"Brian?" he asks confusion evident in his voice.

"Who the hell else would it be? Don't you ever use your caller ID? Now answer the question. Why did you leave?" I can't bring myself to `say why did you leave me.'

"Because you didn't want me to stay."

"So it wasn't because of"

"Ethan, no it really wasn't about him," he answers before I can finish the question.

"Goodnight Sunshine," I say softly and hang up the phone. I shouldn't have called him. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He left because I didn't want him to stay. He said it quietly, but with certainly. Like there is no doubt in his mind that I wanted him to leave. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

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