Judas

Suffer Some Misery

Brian's POV

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"Brian, why don't you come over for dinner tonight. I'm making pot roast. I know Gus would love to see you. Call me."

I press delete and erase the sound of Lindsay's soft, sympathetic voice. When exactly did I become a fucking object of pity? Lindsay calls at least three times a week to invite me over. I went to dinner once. That was enough. She stared at me with her big sad doe eyes the whole night. I felt like she was looking for something in me. Something that's just not there. I don't know what she promised Melanie, but even she was nice to me. And then every two minutes, she was trying to put Gus in my lap. It was so nauseating; I don't know how I managed to eat anything. It's bad enough I have to put up with her constant questioning: how am I, am I eating enough, am I sleeping? There is no way I'm going back in that house.

Debbie is just as bad. She keeps sending food over. And God forbid, I try to order for myself at the diner. It doesn't matter what I ask for; she brings me whatever she wants. I walked out once when she told me it was comfort food. Give me a fucking break. I do not need comfort food. I don't recall losing the ability to take care of myself in the last month. I managed just fine for twenty-nine years all on my own. And for Christ's sake, what do they think he really did for me. Let's take a good hard look at who was taking care of who. He was a child. I was the one who made sure he had somewhere to live, a job, a way to draw, money for school. But no one is tripping over themselves to make sure he can survive without me. What did he ever give me that I can't get somewhere else? Exactly.

It's not like I'm falling apart here. Everything's back like it was. Almost as if the last few years never happened. I work, go out with the boys, trick. It's a good life. Hell, most men would kill for my life. I know they are all waiting to see if I'd end up out of control like last time. But this is nothing like the last time. I don't think my reaction was too out of line considering. I'd like to see how any of them would have handled it. I mean he almost died in my arms. I held him and felt the life slipping out of him. Fuck! I press my hands into my eyes and try to block out the image. I am not going down that road again. There is no fucking point.

No, this is nothing like that. This is just two people finally having enough sense to walk away. Right? No one thought it would last as long as it did. I know all about their little bets. So why make a big deal out of it? Why is Michael the only one not watching me like I'm a fucking time bomb ready to explode? At least he understands. OK, so I'm probably giving Mikey too much credit here. His life makes more sense if I don't care. He wants me to act like nothing happened. He wants to believe there's no gaping hole in my life. He needs to see me go on as if nothing ever happened. That's not so much to ask. This is how Mickey and I operate for the most part. We make things easier for each other. He accepts whatever act I put on at face value. No digging for something deeper, no questioning. And I let him believe that my life will never change, that I will always be the Brian Kinney of his dreams. Maybe it's fucked up, but it works for us.

I wouldn't mind everyone else's concern so much if I actually thought it was genuine. But it's not. They're not worried about me. They don't want to help me get over him. They aren't looking out for my emotional well-being. They might even believe it themselves, but I know better. What they really want is to see me suffer. For their own screwed up reasons, every last one of them wants me to be miserable. This is some kind of sick entertainment for them. They're all dying to see what I'll do next. If I'm not interesting enough, one of them will usually be brave enough to try and force a reaction out of me. They'll make some veiled reference to him or make some bitchy comment about how I'm back to my old ways. Then they all hold their breath and wait to see what I'll do. It's all such bullshit.

Lindsay, Debbie, and Emmett want to see me heartbroken. They want to see me devastated. They keep asking how I'm holding up. Like I'm just putting on some brave face to hide all the pain I'm in. Talk about delusional. But that's what they want. They spent the last year whispering to each other about how in love I was. Trying to guess when I'd finally admit it to myself and him. Well it never happened. So now the only way they can prove they were right is to convince themselves that I'm lost without him. Somehow if I was sad, they would be happy. It would give them some proof that I'm capable of all those higher emotions they are all so fond of. Well, no matter how hard they look; they aren't going to find any. What you see is what you get. I am the heartless shit Ted once called me. Why do you think he left?

Ted and Melanie just want to see me bleed. They want more than anything for someone to hurt me. Frankly, I can't blame them. Look at it from their perspective. For Ted, I'm a constant reminder of everything he's not: young, hot, successful. And then there's Melanie. She will never be completely sure of Lindsay as long as I'm around. In their place, I'd be out for my blood too. But I wish they would quit poking me to see if they can hit a vein. They get this gleam in their eyes when they think someone has hit a nerve. I can tell they are hoping I'll break down right in front of them. Maybe confess that my life is empty without him, that I'll spend the rest of my days lonely and unloved. If I ever did, they'd jump up and down from joy. And people think I'm cruel.

Sometimes I wonder what they are like with him. He's living with Deb again so I'm sure he gets the same fussing from her. Of course, he probably likes comfort food. I wish I had been there when Michael found out about the new living arrangements. Knowing Mikey, he bitches every chance he gets. I think he still sees Gus. I'm not sure; I do my best not to listen when anyone talks about him. I imagine Lindsay smothers him with concern. She probably alternates between comforting him over his broken heart and encouraging his new romance. I'm sure she thinks she knows more than anyone about giving up on me. I bet Mel couldn't wait to congratulate him on finally wising up. She must love reminding him of what an asshole I am. I wonder if he finds them as irritating as I do. Not that it's any of my business. He's on his own now.

The phone rings, and I see from the caller ID it's Lindsay again. This is fucking ridiculous. God, I need a drink. I glance at the time and see it's too early for Babylon. I guess I'll start at Woody's tonight. I grab my jacket as the machine picks up. I'll call Mikey on the way; he'll be happy to join me. Lindsay's voice fills the loft as I leave. This time she's a little more urgent in her desire to check up on me. I slam the door on her concern. I don't need anyone's fucking sympathy.

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