Judas

The Narrowest Path

Justin's POV

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"So what did you do today?" Ethan asked as he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I was tempted to tell him I spent the day perfecting my new career as a pool shark. That was a lot more interesting than what I really did which was go to school, go to work, and then come here. Which is the same thing I've done pretty much every day for the last three weeks. But Ethan doesn't always appreciate my sense of humor. He asked me what my plans were once, and I gave him my `download porn and smoke weed' spiel. He didn't get it at all. He looked at me liked I'd lost my mind which made me wish those had actually been my plans. So when I opened my mouth a perfectly appropriate answer came out, "Not much. I'm trying to finish a project for school. The diner was busy so I made a lot of tips. Oh, Daphne stopped by and invited us to a party next weekend."

"Daphne? She's your friend from school right? I don't think I've met her."

"No, you haven't met her, but you'll like her. I've known Daphne my entire life." Translation-Daphne has no connection to Brian. But we still don't mention his name. I noticed his violin was out and decided to change the subject. "How is practice going?"

"Good, well fantastic really. I'm working on a few new pieces. Would you like me to play them for you?"

"Sure," I answered as I sat down on the couch. Listening to Ethan play meant no talking for a while. Always a good thing.

Ethan leaned down close to me and gave a seductive look I swear he must practice in the mirror. "Remember, I play only for you. You're my inspiration," he whispered.

I smiled and barely refrained form rolling my eyes. I know I'm not being fair to Ethan, but I can't help it. I still feel so disconnected from him, from everything. So instead of being charmed by his romantic gestures and devotion like I was before, I'm irritated. They don't seem real to me anymore. Half the time he doesn't seem real to me. Which is ridiculous. He's everything I ever wanted. He gives me everything I could ever want. And I don't come close to measuring up. I don't have anything to give him but my time and my body. There's just nothing left. Ethan either doesn't mind or doesn't notice. I'm not sure which is worse. He seems perfectly content with what little I can give him.

It's not even about Brian. I don't even think about Brian. To be honest, I don't let myself think about Brian. There's no point. I have to put him and the life I had with him behind me. And I have. When I walked out of that party, I walked out on all things that came with the life I shared with Brian-the clubs, the alcohol, the drugs, the tricks. Those things are all gone. Now my life is about my art, working, and Ethan. It's simpler, easier.

Which is good, right? But there's no center. I have all these nice, neat parts of my life with nothing to hold them together. It can't be Ethan; I won't let it be. There is no way I'm going to cut most of my life away in order to move on again. Maybe that's my problem.  I left too much of myself behind at Babylon. But as I've said before, there is no going back. So I'll just deal with this constant numbness. I just need time to adjust. Then I can start looking at my life as more than a series of hours to get through. Maybe then I'll feel something again.

"Justin," Ethan's quiet voice snapped my attention back to him. I realized he had stopped playing. "What do you think?"

"Beautiful," I told him. I'm sure it was. Everything he plays is beautiful. I need to remember that.

"Justin?"

Fuck! I have to stop drifting like this. I could tell by the way Ethan looked at me that he was starting to realize something's wrong. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. They were full of questions. Questions I wasn't prepared to answer.

"Are you all right?" he finally asked. "You seem"

I cut him off before he could ask any of those questions. "I'm fine," I told him. "It was busy at the diner. I'm just tired. The music helped. I already feel more relaxed." I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was satisfied with my answer. He always was.

"I know better ways to help you relax," he lowered his eyes suggestively and reached for my hand. I closed my own eyes for just a minute before I stood up and let him lead me to the bed.

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When I left Ethan's, I decided to stop by Liberty Avenue. I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn't help myself. As much as I told myself I didn't belong there anymore, I couldn't quite make myself believe it. There had to be a way to keep some of my past. Because I was suffocating in my present. I'm nineteen for God's sake. I can't be serious all the time. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a few drinks and dance for a while. It doesn't mean I'm reverting or regressing or whatever the hell word you want to use. I just need a break. There has to be some balance between where I was and where I am now. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I promised myself I wouldn't go to Woody's or Babylon. There are plenty of other places to go. I was walking down the street trying to figure out where I was headed when I saw him. The hustler from my birthday. He was on the other side of the street talking to some people. Probably scheduling his next personal appearance. And it all came crashing back to me. I remembered that it was all or nothing, and I needed to make up my fucking mind.

There he stood; the embodiment of everything I walked away from. I will never forget opening my eyes and seeing him lying on the bed. The absolute crushing disappointment. That's what I was leaving behind. For every exciting moment in my life there had been a hundred disappointments. For all the color and lights, there was so much blackness. It was all about highs and lows. Pharmaceutical and otherwise. Who was I kidding about balance? There is no middle ground here. You're always on the edge of the greatest rush ever or complete disaster. Maybe that's what keeps everyone coming back. I was as guilty as the rest of them, but somewhere along the line it got to be too much. I can't do it anymore. Not when I know the price. I never cared before. I thought it was worth the risk.

But it's not. I can't go back. Not with him staring me in the face. I need more out of my life. I said I would give Ethan a chance, but I haven't. Not really. I haven't tried at all. I've been with him physically, but emotionally, it's like I've been frozen. Afraid to move forward and afraid to look back. No more. I have to stop waiting for my life to magically make sense. I need to take responsibility for the choices I made and stop waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I said I wanted a different life. One without all the drama. Well, now I have it. I said I wanted someone who could love me, who could be satisfied with me. I have that too. Ethan loves me. So what if my heart doesn't speed up every time he looks at me. It doesn't get ripped out of my chest every time he decides to hurt me either. I can make this work.

I suppose it's rather ironic; I have this great revelation while standing on Liberty Avenue. Everything started here; I guess it should end here too. I'm half tempted to go over and thank the hustler for making me see what I have to do. But I'm just another nameless trick to him. He wouldn't remember me, and he sure as hell wouldn't understand his significance in my life. So I don't go over there. Instead, I turn around and head back the way I came. Ethan will be happy to see me. I think it's time we finally watch that sunrise together. I can do this.

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