Judas

Judas

If You Want My Love 2

Brian's POV

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"Justin, wake up," I shake him gently and kiss him on the shoulder.

"No," he mumbles burying his face in the pillow.

"Come on, Justin. You need to get up."

He opens one eye and sees it's still dark. "Tomorrow's Sunday. You don't have to work, and Debbie doesn't care if I come home."

"I don't want you to leave; I just want you to get up." This time I kiss the side of his neck.

"Five more minutes," he pleads before falling back asleep.

I don't argue since I actually built an extra half hour into my schedule for waking him. He hates getting out of bed which is why he never stays if one of us has an early appointment. He'll be glad I'm dragging him out of bed today. At least, I hope he will. The closer it gets; the more I wonder if this is such a good idea. But then I look at him, and I know it's what I want.

I never thought being with anyone, especially Justin, could be easy, but the last six months have proven me wrong. Maybe it's because I made the decision to be with him this time. In the past, he was always thrust upon me. I didn't say no, but it was never my choice. I can't deny that I'm the one that asked him to come back this time. Just accepting how much I want Justin in my life has made things so much simpler.

I told Justin I was tired of letting guilt and fear run my life, and I meant it. I've tried to let go of all the bullshit I put between us in the past, and most of the time I can. I've learned to stop panicking every time he gets too close. I try and catch myself before I do something stupid to hurt him before he can hurt me. I still screw up, but Justin can handle it. He's learned to read me again. He calls me on my fuck ups and makes me tell him why I did it. But he doesn't hold on to them anymore.

Justin's so much stronger now. He's so much more sure of himself. He's finally stopped looking for everyone's approval and is living his life for himself. He can blow off Mikey's interference which thankfully is starting to taper off. He's stopped worrying about how people outside Liberty Avenue will look at us. He told me some idiot from his class made a smart remark to him once about living a cushy life as a kept man. He'd seen me pick him up a few times and decided Justin was my plaything. Justin told him that once he got past being kicked out, bashed, and disowned, his life had been pretty easy. Jesus, I wish I'd been there. One of the first things that drew me to Justin was his determination to live his life the way he wanted no matter what anyone else thought. He lost that after the bashing. But now he has his confidence back, and sometimes he just blows me away.

He smiles in his sleep, and I can't resist kissing him. I love to see him smile; you can just feel the happiness radiate from him. I never let him be happy before. At least not for any length of time. I was too busy trying to keep him off balance, trying to make sure he didn't get too comfortable with me. I regret that now because Justin was meant to be happy. That's a stupid thing to say, but I don't know how else to describe the way it suits him. He's so much more relaxed and comfortable now. With himself, with me.

Seeing him this way, I've been able to stop worrying about him wanting more. Justin always told me I was what he wanted, but I never believed him. I thought he was too young to be sure. That's why I pushed him to trick so much. I was sure he'd find someone younger, easier, and better for him than me. I guess he did, but it wasn't what he wanted. Now that he has me, and I mean all of me, not the little pieces I gave him before, he really does seem satisfied. It's amazing how happy I was once I stopped waiting for Justin to hurt me. It still scares me sometimes, being happy, but Justin is working on convincing me I deserve it.

I look at the clock and realize I don't have much time left. After a few minutes, I manage to drag Justin's ass out of bed. I lead him to where I've arranged a few chairs in front of the window and sit him down next to me.

He looks at me quizzically, "Brian, what are we doing?"

"I thought we'd watch the sunrise together." I can't help but smile when I see his eyes light up.

"Really?" he asks hopefully.

My only answer is to kiss him. He snuggles against me and turns his attention to the sky. After watching the colors blend together, he looks up at me, "God Brian, it's so beautiful. I can't wait to paint it."

I kiss him again and consider asking him to do a large painting for the bedroom. It would be a nice thing to wake up to. Not as nice as him, of course. And that's what I'll be doing from now on, waking up with Justin. I could tell from his expression that he remembers what this means. My second ridiculously romantic gesture. Only this time there's no one lurking in the background to take it away from us.

We talked about Ethan. He told me about their disastrous sunrise. How it was supposed to signify Justin's commitment to him, but it ended up being an empty, meaningless gesture since Justin realized he was never going to love Ethan. It bothered me that he felt that he had to try as hard as he did. It was like he didn't know he deserved so much better. I told him we would have our own sunrise someday, and this time it would mean something. I still don't know what it is about him that makes me want to do these things.

At the time, I didn't know what the sunrise would mean, but I figured it out when we discussed Justin moving in with me. We had been back together for a few months when I asked him if he wanted to come back to the loft. He surprised me by saying no. He told me it wasn't because he didn't want to, but that if he moved back in, he didn't want me to bring tricks to the loft anymore. I wasn't shocked by his request, but it wasn't something I was prepared to do. He said it didn't matter. He didn't care if I was never ready, but to let him know if I changed my mind. I found myself telling him that when we watched the sunrise together, he would know I was ready.

I'm not sure why I waited so long. I knew at the time it was more a matter of convenience than anything else. Sometimes I wanted something more than I quick blowjob in the backroom, and the loft was always available. We had already dealt with the rest of the tricking issues. The first thing we did was get rid of the rules. I told Justin from the beginning I didn't think I could ever be monogamous, and I didn't expect him to be either. He said that was fine, but he didn't want us to trick together or in front of each other. That turned out to be much easier to do than I expected. When I'm with Justin, I don't need anyone else. I hardly notice anyone else. He eclipses all of them. I don't know how much Justin tricks, and I don't want to. I do suspect it's less than I do. Although, I don't trick nearly as much as I used to. It's not from lack of opportunity. I have plenty of nights on my own, but I'm not as interested anymore.

Which why I don't understand what held me back on the loft issue. Part of it was not wanting to make a promise to Justin I couldn't keep. I could tell it was important to him, and I wasn't willing to screw it up. And then the summer was so busy; I rarely thought about it. Justin did get the internship with the magazine. Between that and his shifts at the diner, we didn't see each other that much. Although, we did manage a few long weekends away from Pittsburgh. I think the few times we got away saved our sanity. Before I knew it, fall was here, and Justin had new school and work schedule to adjust to. I realized the other day I hadn't brought a trick to the loft in over a month. I'm tired of Justin leaving my bed in the middle of the night or not being there at all. So here we are.

"Thank you," Justin mummers quietly before kissing me.

I look up and see the sun has indeed risen. I nudge him gently, "Do you want to go back to bed?"

He shakes his head, "No, let's stay here a little longer." He curls his legs under him and lays his head in my lap.

I settle more comfortably in my chair and gently stroke his hair. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I'm perfectly content to sit here with him. This is not the life I thought I wanted. But I'm glad I was wrong because now I can't imagine wanting anything else.

****Main and chapter titles taken from the amazing Depeche Mode song JUDAS. Complete lyrics follow.

JUDAS

Is simplicity best

Or simply the easiest

The narrowest path

Is always the holiest

So walk on barefoot for me

Suffer some misery

If you want my love

Man will survive

The harshest conditions

And stay alive

Through difficult decisions

So make up your mind for me

Walk the line for me

If you want my love

Idle talk

And hollow promises

Cheating Judases

Doubting Thomases

Don't just stand there and shout it

Do something about it

You can fulfill

Your wildest ambitions

And I'm sure you will

Lose your inhibitions

So open yourself for me

Risk your health for me

If you want my love

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