Judas

If You Want My Love 1

Justin's POV

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I look at Brian sleeping and can't believe I'm here. Even after more than a week, I still find it hard to believe. For the first time, Brian and I actually want the same thing. We both want to be together. We're letting the rest of it work itself out. I've never been happier, and I think Brian may finally be happy too.

He looks so peaceful. I hate to leave him, but I need to go. Debbie hasn't given me a curfew, but I try to get back around two so she doesn't start to wonder. I slip from the bed quietly so I don't wake him. I almost to the door when I hear his voice, "Hey, are you leaving?"

"Yeah, Brian. It's late. Go back to sleep."

"Kay." Then after a slight pause, "Are you going to be at Vic's party tomorrow?"

"Do you think Debbie gave me a choice?" She planned a huge birthday party for Vic. Last year his birthday got missed between Michael being in Portland and me being in a coma. Debbie is determined to make up for it this year.

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

Shit! Why didn't I think of that? If Debbie's making me come, there is no way Brian could get out of it. That means Brian and I will be there together. We are so fucked.

"Justin," Brian's voice interrupts my thoughts. "It will be all right. I promise." He can't see my face so he must be reading my mind.

"Goodnight Brian," with that I leave.

I don't sleep the rest of the night. I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen at the party. I was already nervous about it before I realized everyone would find out about us. This will be the first time I've seen anyone other than Debbie and Vic since the Rage party. I thought I'd at least run into Ted and Emmett at the diner, but I haven't. I figure Michael must keep track of my schedule and steer everyone away. I tried to convince Debbie to let me skip the party, but she wouldn't hear of it. I knew it would be awkward. It has been easier for me not to see them. I didn't want to think about the life I had with Brian. And since we weren't together, I didn't exist for them anymore. I dread the questions I'm sure to get. I wonder who will be stupid enough to ask about Ethan? My guess would be Ted. This was already a disaster waiting to happen, but now.

The biggest problem is I don't know what to expect from Brian. I'll play along with whatever he does, but I wish I knew what the game was ahead of time. No one has any idea we are back together. I wish we could keep it that way. Not that we've been deliberately hiding it. Brian is never at the diner during my shifts. He goes out on the nights I work late, and we spend the rest of the time at the loft. No one has asked, and we're not volunteering any information. It's been nice having this time to ourselves. We are still trying to figure exactly what we want and how we are going to do this. It's so much easier without anyone interfering.

But we're screwed now. Unless we pretend nothing has changed. Brian might decide to do that. It could buy us more time. But we can't hide forever. Maybe it would be better to get it over with. Either way, everyone's going to be watching us. I can't wait for it to be over.

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Thank God for party preparations. I told Debbie I'd help her get everything ready, and she's kept me too busy to really think. Once people started arriving, I found a million reasons to stay in the kitchen. Other than hellos, I've managed to avoid everyone. The party was to start ten minutes ago, and still no Brian. I know he's always late, but part of me can't help hoping he won't show up.

"Sunshine, bring the salad out so we can get started," I hear Debbie shout. "If we wait for Brian, it will be time for Vic's next birthday."

"I'll be right there," I holler back. Debbie decided it was warm enough to eat outside so I head for the backyard. I put the salad on the table and turn to walk to my seat when I feel someone come up behind me. I look to see who it is, and before I realize it, Brian is kissing me. I wrap my arms around him and open my mouth to let his tongue in. After a few minutes he pulls back leaving me breathless.

"Miss me?" he asks.

"Always," I answer without thinking. Then, I remember where we are. My smile fades, and I close my eyes.

"Don't worry. I told you it will be all right," he whispers in my ear before kissing me again. Then, in a voice everyone can hear, "Let's go eat. I'm sure you must be starving by now." He pulls me to the table and sits down next to me. The entire time he never lets go of my hand.

I look up cautiously and see ten pairs of eyes staring at us. Even Gus seems interested. Not surprisingly, Michael is the first to speak. "That's it? You haven't seen him in months, you ask him if he missed you, and now you're back together?"

"No, that's not it. Michael, you know I saw Justin a few months ago. And I was only asking if he missed me since he left my bed last night." He smiles as shocked looks are exchanged around the table.

"Your bed! When did that happen?" Michael practically shrieks.

"A week ago, a maybe more. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter anyway," Brian shrugs carelessly. Michael opens his mouth to say something else, but Brian cuts him off. "Leave it, Michael." His tone leaves no room for argument. "So what looks good?"

Everyone scrambles to cover the awkward moment. Dishes are passed around, and meaningless conversations are started. When she thinks no one is looking, Debbie leans across the table, "Do better this time. I mean it." She looks each of us in the eye. I smile weakly, and Brian gives her a mocking salute.

We make it through dinner without any major problems. Vic commands most of the attention telling us stories about his days in New York. Other than trying to sneak subtle glances at us, everyone leaves Brian and me alone. Once the presents are opened, we have nowhere left to hide. Apparently, they decide on a divide and conquer approach, and Brian and I are quickly whisked to opposite ends of the yard.

Mom gets to me first. "I see you decided Brian was worth fighting for after all."

"Actually, Brian did most of the fighting this time," I tell her.

"I'm glad, Honey. I really am. I hope things work out for you this time." She seems like she really means it.

"Thanks." I smile at her and start to relax for the first time all day.

"I'll have to let Brian know I'm glad he's back in your life." I follow her gaze to where Brian stands with a clearly agitated Michael. "Once he's not so busy that is. Should you go rescue him?" Mom asks.

"No, he can handle Michael." And I have no desire to get dragged into that mess.

"If you think so. I need to speak with Vic. I'll see you later." She kisses my cheek and heads off.

Within seconds, Emmett descends upon me and wraps me in a big hug. "Oh baby, I'm so happy for you! I knew love would win in the end," he sniffles.

"Thanks, Emmett." I'd forgotten how over the top he can be.

"Things will be different this time; you'll see. Brian knows what he can lose. And if he starts pushing you away, you just remind him that we never listen to fairy godmothers." He gives me another hug and disappears.

I'm still trying to figure out the fairy godmother comment when I see Lindsay heading my way. Before she can reach me, Brian yells across the yard, "Justin, get over here. Now."

I reluctantly make my way over to where he still stands with Michael. When I get there, he puts his arm around me and pulls me close to him. "Justin, Michael wants to know what I think I'm doing. Maybe you can explain."

For some reason I find the look on Michael's face comical, and I can't resist agitating him. "Right now, I guess you think your talking to Michael." That gets me a pinch on the ass. I smile innocently up at Brian. "Oh, he means with me."

Michael's getting even more upset. "Brian, this has nothing to do with him. It's between us."

"On the contrary, it has everything to do with Justin. Why don't you tell him exactly what the problem is." Brian's speaking in a slow deliberate voice which should warn anyone to think before they say anything.

Michael crosses his arms and looks directly at Brian, ignoring me completely. "I just don't understand why you would let him back in your life after everything he did. He doesn't deserve you."

Brian's trying to look amused, but I can feel how tense he is. One more word from Michael, and he's going to lose it. "Michael," I need to get his attention focused on me. "I know I should care what you think about Brian and I, but I don't. In this case, your opinion doesn't matter. I love Brian, and I want to be with him. He wants the same thing. How we dealt with the past, and how we decide to live our lives is no one's business. I know you and everyone else wants to tell us what you think, but fuck that. We spent too much time listening to other people before and look where that got us. I'm not doing that again. It's not worth it. So whatever your problems are with us, get over it."

Michael starts to turn an interesting shade of red, but I can feel Brian relaxing. He turns me so I am facing him. "Michael, I think I know what I'm doing with Justin now." He never takes his eyes off me.

"What?" Michael asks oblivious to the fact Brian is no longer paying attention to him.

"Loving him," he answers softly as he leans down to kiss me. I know then no matter what anyone else thinks, we will be all right.

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