Judas

Do Something About It

Brian's POV

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"Brian, do you love me?"

Fuck! I should have known he'd ask me that. What the hell am I supposed to say? I don't want to lie to him, but I'm not sure I know the answer. I just wanted to see him, to find some way to keep him with me, and already I'm blowing it. He's waiting for my answer. I have to tell him something. "I don't believe in love."

He tilts his head and looks at me closely, "Do you believe I love you?"

"Yes." Well that makes no fucking sense, but it's true. I really have no idea what love is. It's not something I'm familiar or comfortable with. So I don't think I'm capable of loving someone. I also find it hard to believe anyone could love me. But I know Justin. Whatever love means to him, he loves me.

My answer must have pleased him because he sits back down. "Why did you call me?" he asks quietly.

I shift restlessly. I hate talking about things like this, but he deserves an answer. "This is going to sound stupid. Emmett said something to me, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I dreamt that you died. I needed to see you."

"So this sudden desire to be with me is because you're afraid I'm going to die?"

Not so sudden I want to argue, but I don't. "Does it matter?"

"Yes."

One fucking word and I see disaster ahead. I was counting my wanting him being enough for Justin. It always has been in the past. I see the determination on his face and know he won't make things so easy for me this time. I just hope he doesn't ask for more than I can give him.

"It matters a lot, Brian. When we were together before I always felt like it was what I wanted, but you were only along for the ride. Like maybe you decided I was convenient, and it was too much trouble to keep pushing me away. I need more than that. I need to know that you want this too. Not out of fear or guilt, but because you want to be with me. You have to do this for you because it won't be easy. There will be times when you still think your feelings for me are costing you too much. You will still wonder sometimes if I'll find someone I want more than you. I promised I wouldn't ask you to put yourself through that again, and I won't. You have to decide if I'm worth it, if we're worth it."

Why does he have to be so fucking smart? It wasn't supposed to be this hard to get him back. I don't know if I'm ready for this.

After a few minutes of silence he gets up again. "Brian, it's a lot to think about. I don't expect an answer now. I'm going to go so you can have some time to yourself. Call me when you figure things out." He smiles sadly and turns to leave.

"Stop walking away from me! There's nothing left to figure out." Did I just say that? I must be more ready than I thought. "Come back here." This time I pull him against me. It's so much easier when I can touch him. "You don't have to ask me to do anything; I'm offering. I never thought I would, but I am. As much as I want to say the reasons don't matter, I guess they do. I realized tonight that I could spend the rest of my life without you. That the way my life has been these last few months could be permanent. I don't want that, Justin. I don't want a life without you in it. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I thought the loft would be perfect again when you left, but it was empty. You bring something to my life I don't have words for. I just know that I've missed it; I miss you. I don't want to be with you out of fear or guilt. Those are the things that make me push you away. I'm tired of giving in to them. I'm tired of being without you."

He leans forward and kisses me gently. "We just might have a chance, you know."

"You think?" I ask as I kiss him back.

"Oh yeah," he whispers against my lips. "Think you can handle having me around for a long, long time?"

"Just try and get away," I growl pulling him closer. "You're mine now."

"God you amaze me," he says smiling brightly.

I don't tell him he's the amazing one because I can't speak when he looks at me that way. Instead, I lay back on the couch and settle him against me. His head rests on my chest, and I gently stroke his back. For now, I'm content to feel him against me. How did I ever think I could give him up? I brush a kiss across the top of his head. I must be getting soft in my old age, but I really don't care anymore.

After a while Justin looks up at me and sighs, "This is what it feels like."

"What?"

"My mom told me I needed to stop worrying about how everyone thinks love is supposed to be. She said I needed to forgot about the words and gestures we are taught to expect. She told me to figure out what it feels like to be loved by you. Now I know."

I clear my throat before I can speak. "Did she say anything about what it feels like to be made love to by me?" I may never be able to tell him I love him, but I can give him that much.

"I think that's more of a hands-on experience, don't you?" he asks trying to look innocent.

"Let's go find out." I push him off me and head for the bedroom. I strip on the way there. Luckily he follows suit. I don't want to play. I want to feel him against me; I want to feel him around me.

When we reach the bed, Justin surprises me by pushing his mouth against mine. We kiss hungrily letting out tongues tangle. I reach my hands down to stroke his ass, the inside of his thighs. He loves to be teased. After a few minutes, Justin pulls away. He smiles mischievously and heads straight for my cock. I can't help but sigh in anticipation. You would think after all the blow jobs I've had; one would be the same as another. But with Justin, it's different. I missed the feel of his mouth on me. I missed the way he strokes the underside of my cock with his tongue. I missed the way he plays with my balls while he sucks on me. "Justin," I moan.

He pulls back enough to look at me. But his tongue continues to trace the tip of my cock.

"Don't stop," I mutter.

His only answer is to wrap his mouth around my cock. His fingers find my balls, and after a few minutes of sucking and stroking, I shoot down his throat. He gives me a satisfied smile as he kisses his way back to my mouth.

"Pleased with yourself, are you?" He just keeps smiling. "Well, now it's my turn to play." I kiss him one more time and push him gently onto his stomach. I nibble on the back of his neck and feel him shiver in response. Then I slowly work my way down his back. I take my time and make sure I kiss and lick every inch of his spine. I wanted the desire to build for both of us.

Finally I reach my goal. I part his cheeks and run my tongue along his crack. I find his hole and trace a path around it. He moans and pushes toward me. I begin to press my tongue inside him. I enter slowly wanting him to feel every inch of the invasion. Once I'm in, I wiggle my tongue around the way he likes it. I reach beneath him for his cock, but he stops me.

"No, Brain. I need you inside me now," he pleads.

It wasn't what I planned, but I hear the edge in his voice, and I can't say no. I want it as much as he does. I turn him back over and laugh when he quickly reaches for the lube and a condom. I hold back a groan as he puts the condom on me and strokes it repeatedly into place. I slip a finger then two inside him. I want to make sure he's ready.

"Brian enough! Stop teasing me."

I smile at his impatience, but remove my hand. I enter him swiftly and deeply. I wanted to take this slowly, but the pleasure I feel at being inside him makes that impossible. He encourages me to give him more, and I do. Each thrust gets faster and deeper. I kiss him over and over again. His hands roam my chest, tugging at my nipples. When he bites down on my lip, I know it's time. I begin to rapidly stroke his cock. He pulls me closer and begins to convulse around me. I bury my face in his neck and let my own orgasm take over.

Later, he falls asleep still holding on to me. I know we still have things to work out, to discuss, but I don't care. He's back in my arms, and that's all that matters.

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