Judas

Don't Just Stand There And Shout It

Justin's POV

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The cab stops in front of Brian's loft, and I'm half tempted to tell the driver to turn around. But I don't. Instead, I pay him and try to figure out what the hell I'm doing here. I don't want to play games with Brian anymore. This morning I told him goodbye yet here I am back already. The sad truth is I'll never be able to say no to Brian. I try to convince myself I heard something in his voice. Something must be wrong for him to call me. Of course, it could be that he found something I left behind, and he wants it out of the loft now. For Brian, clutter can be a major emergency.

I let myself in. It seems ridiculous to deal with buzzers and knocking at this time of night or morning. Brian's pacing in the living room and doesn't hear me come in. I know now this has nothing to do with a forgotten sketchpad, and I'm glad I came. I speak softly so I don't startle him too much, "Brian, what's wrong?"

He stops and stares at me. He seems surprised, almost shocked, to see me. He doesn't move at all; he just keeps looking at me. Finally he stands up straighter as if he's gathered himself. "Nothing, there's nothing wrong."

"Then why am I here?" He'd better have an answer. I didn't drag myself out of bed so he could dismiss me.

"Come here. I need..." he looks away. "I need to know you're real," he finishes quietly.

I go to him now. Mostly so I can check his pupils. He keeps avoiding my gaze. "What did you take?" I ask him in exasperation.

"Not a God damn thing. Maybe that's my problem," he laughs.

I don't have the energy for this. Brian wanted me to let him go, and I did. I can't let him do this to me. "I'm going now. Call Michael the next time you get bored."

I turn to leave, and he wraps himself around me from behind. His arms go around my waist, and his head rests on my shoulder. I hear him whisper against my ear, "Damn you, Emmett. I can't let him go."

I turn to face him, but he doesn't relax his hold. I try to read his face. He looks tired and maybe a little sad. "What does Emmett have to do with anything?"

He pulls me over to the couch. Once we sit down, he reaches for my hand. He looks at our intertwined fingers for a while before he says anything. "I need you to listen to me. Some of this won't make a lot of sense, but please try. Emmett and I had a very strange talk earlier. I won't bore you with the details. He asked me if I learned anything from your prom. He was mad at me for always pushing you away. He said it should have taught me to hold on to you. To not want to lose you. But things are never that easy with me." His hand tightens slightly against mine, and I squeeze back. "What I learned it that I'm going to lose you. It doesn't matter how or why; someday you would be gone from my life. I guess I already knew that. But what I didn't know was how much it would bother me. I'd never felt that way before. I hated it; I hated not being in control. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again. First I tried to control how I felt about you. I tried to put you back in the safe place I had for you. The place that let me be with you without it meaning anything. But you never did fit there. So then I tried to control how you left me. I wanted it to be on my terms, in my time."

"Brian, why are we doing this again? I already know that you couldn't stand to be with me anymore. I know you needed me to leave. I understand all that. I promised you I would let you go forever. Wasn't that enough?" If he would just let go of my hand, I could leave. I'm so sick of saying goodbye to him. It never gets any easier.

"Justin," he makes me look at him. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

You never had to try I want to yell at him. But I stay silent and stop trying to pull away.

"We talked about George and how Emmett wishes they had more time together. You're going to die someday, you know. I hope it's a long, long time from now, but someday I'm going to lose you forever. It won't matter how many times I'll have lost you between now and then because that time I won't be able to get you back." He falls silent and looks down at our hands again.

I have no idea what to say to him. I hate that he's spent time thinking about my death and what it will mean to him. Mostly, I hate Chris Hobbs for making all of us realize I won't live forever. Part of me wants to make a stupid joke about my outliving him. Anything to make him smile. But I know it won't work so I move closer to him. I want to reassure him that I'm here, and that I'm with him. At least for now, and that's all we really have.

"Justin, you know me. I don't believe in regrets. They're a waste of time." He smiles and for the first time since I arrived, he looks like himself. "When I lose you, I don't want to think about the time I could have spent with you. If you lose me, I don't want you to think that you could have done more or tried harder to make this work. Do you understand?"

This time I do pull way but in anger. "Yes, Brian I understand. How many fucking times are you going to tell me? I need to walk away and never look back. I still remember the first time you told me that. There is nothing left to say or do. It's over, and nothing is going to change that. I get it, OK?"

"Justin, you aren't listening to me. I didn't call you over here to repeat this morning. Neither one of us needs to do that. What I'm trying to tell you is I can't walk away and not look back. I'm not even sure I want to anymore. I'm already looking back or looking forward I suppose. The only way I know to stop that is to not walk away. Do you understand now, Justin? I don't want to walk away from you. Not now. Maybe someday we'll walk away from each other because whatever we have has run its course. And that will be fine if it's what we both want. But that's not true right now, is it?"

I should throw myself in his arms and claim him before he changes his mind. I should get down on my knees and thank God for giving me another chance. But I don't do anything but stare at Brian. I'm trying to read something in his face. I need to know where this is coming from. Because when I said I gave up on the fantasy of having Brian anyway I could get him, I meant it. I tried that before and ended up hurting us both. We deserve better. So I need to be sure. I need to know that he really wants this. I have to be sure it's not some new twisted form of guilt or panic over some horror story Emmett told him. This time it has to be for both of us. I take a deep breath and plunge ahead, "Brian, do you love me?"

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