Judas

Hollow Promises

Justin's POV

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I found myself outside the loft with no idea of what to do or where to go. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the way Brian looked at me like he was desperate for me to understand. I needed to forget that I had walked away from Brian again. Once again I'm facing life without Brian. Only now it's so much worse. Now I know what I'm losing. But it doesn't matter because I don't have a choice. The only way to love Brian is to let him go.

Standing here thinking about it isn't going to change anything. I need to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. It's Saturday so I don't have any classes, and I took the weekend off from the diner. I could go home, but Debbie and Vic would ask too many questions. Debbie knows I was with Brian, and I'm not ready to talk about him. Daphne's probably not even up, and she's nosier than Debbie anyway.

I end up going to see my mom. She seems like the safest bet since I can't imagine her wanting to talk about Brian. I didn't call her yesterday, and I know she must be worried. The truth is I guess sometimes you just need your mother. I can tell she's happy to see me. She hugs me for a long time before taking me into the kitchen. Thank God for her natural inclination to feed me.

"So where's Molly?" I ask once she has me settled with coffee and muffins.

"She's with a friend today. Justin, are you sure you're OK? I was so worried when I didn't hear from you yesterday. What did you do?"

I'm sorry Mom. I know I should have called, but I needed to be by myself. I didn't do much. After classes, I just walked around for a while. Then I went to a bar and tried to get drunk."

"Tried?"

"Yeah, Brian found me and put an end to that." I can't help smiling. It still surprises me that Brian didn't want to drown the memories in booze right along with me.

"So you were with Brian last night?" She tries to hide the shock and fear in her voice, but I can sense it.

"Mom, it's fine. It was good for both of us. Really. Brian talked to me about that night. Other people have tried, but he's the only one who was there for all of it. I needed to hear it. I finally felt like it was real, like I didn't make the whole thing up." I look at her face for some sign that she understands. I don't know if she can, but I need her to. "But don't worry, I won't be seeing Brian again. We needed each other last night, but it was just that one night. Nothing has changed." I don't know why I rushed to reassure that Brian and I are still apart. Maybe in hopes of avoiding another lecture about him, or maybe to keep reminding myself.

Her face tightens for a moment, but she lets me change the subject. We talk about our plans for the summer. Then, out of the blue she asks me, "Why did you break up with Ethan?"

Shit! The one person I want to talk about less than Brian. "Mom, I know you liked Ethan, but it just wasn't going to work."

"I'm not trying to judge you. I want to know."

"Ethan wasn't who I thought he was, who I hoped he was. He said all the right things. He promised me everything I wanted, but he didn't mean it. They were just words to him. He was possessive and controlling, and I didn't love him." I think that sums it up pretty well. A six-week relationship reduced to three or four sentences.

"Do you regret leaving Brian for Ethan?"

"I did not leave Brian for Ethan!" She smiles at my defensiveness, and I force myself to relax. "Yes and no. I love Brian, and I miss him. It bothers me that I couldn't make things work with him. But my leaving was the best thing, especially for Brian. He isn't meant to be in a relationship. He tried for me, but it wasn't fair to him. Why all this sudden interest in Brian?"

"I know I was never very supportive of your relationship. But I am your mother, and I want you to be happy. As hard as it is for me to admit, you were happy with Brian. When I met Ethan, I thought he was perfect for you. I thought he would give you everything you deserved. But you never really smiled while you were with him. When you told me about the time you spent with Brian last night, there was a look in your eyes you never had when you talked about Ethan. So I just think, if there's a chance."

I stare at her in disbelief; I can't help it. My mother, of all people, is encouraging me to be with Brian again. I want to be angry. Where was her understanding while we were still together? If I thought she would understand, I might have been able to come to her for advice. Now that it's too late, she wants to help. "There's no point in trying again. Brian and I aren't meant to be."

"Why? You said you love Brian, and you miss him. Isn't that worth fighting for?"

I can't tell her truth; I won't betray Brian like that. Instead I go for the easy answer, the one I know will get her off my back. "Brian doesn't love me. He never will."

She gives me a sad smile, "You're wrong, Justin. He does love you."

"Mom, have you lost your mind? You've been telling me for years that Brian doesn't love me."

"I haven't lost my mind. I'm just trying to face the truth. You know I tried to keep Brian away from you. I'm sure you thought it was because I blamed him for your being hurt. I tried to believe that, and I even told Brian that. But that wasn't the reason. And when I said he didn't love you, I knew he did. That's what scared me. Brian was safer when I thought he didn't care for you. I figured he'd eventually break your heart, and you would move on. Just like Debbie said. I knew Brian couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. He couldn't give you the life you wanted and deserved. But if you saw even the tiniest hint of love from him, you would never give up. You would cling to that, and it would give you enough hope that you would stay with him no matter what. I didn't want that for you. I didn't want you to settle for what Brian could give you."

"I did leave. Just like you wanted me to. But you're wrong, Mom. Brian didn't love me." I hope she'll let this go. I don't want to have this conversation. The wounds from this morning are still too fresh.

"He told me, Justin, and I believed him. When I asked him to leave, he said he cared for you. It was as close to an admission of love as I'd expect from him. But I already knew. There's something I never told you. I still think it's Brian's place to tell you, but that's not the only reason I kept it a secret. I didn't want to encourage your attachment to him."

She looks so guilty. I can't imagine what she wants to tell me, and I don't want to know. Can't she see this is killing me? "Mom, don't. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. If Brian didn't want me to know, let it go. It's too late."

She doesn't acknowledge that I said anything, and I know she's going to ignore my request for silence. "When you were in the hospital, Brian came to see you every night. He'd wait until visiting hours were over and stay until morning. The nurses told me he never came into your room or spoke to you. He'd just stand by your window and watch you. They said he was broken. They said they never saw anyone hurt for another person the way he hurt for you. He never missed a single night the whole time you were there. That's how I knew he loved you."

I try to breathe, but I can't. Why did she have to tell me? I don't need more proof that Brian loved me, and I don't need more proof of how much that hurt him. She thinks this will make me feel closer to him, but all it does it push me farther away. I want to tell her it was guilt not love, but I can't bring myself to say that lie out loud. Brian watched over me because he loves me. He wanted to protect me, to make sure I wasn't alone. But he stayed outside my room to punish himself. That's where the problem is. Finally, Mom takes pity on me and breaks the silence.

"Honey, one of the things I always admired about you is your determination. When you want something, you go after it, and you never give up. But sometimes that determination can blind you. You have a vision of what you want, and you won't be happy with anything else. Maybe that's what happened with Brian. You had a vision of what love would look like. Brian doesn't fit into that vision, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you could find a way to see the love he has for you, maybe you could find a way to be together. Maybe it is different for two men; I don't know. I know it's not the love I wanted to see for you, but it seems like Brian is what makes you happy. Ethan offered you all the words you wanted, but you found out they were meaningless. Brian might not say he loves you or even show it the way you expect, but I know he feels it. Don't worry about what love is supposed to be like, and figure out what Brian's love feels like. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think he's worth the trouble. I know you are."

I just shake my head at her. There's nothing to say. As much as I want to believe learning to accept Brian's way of loving me would solve our problems, I know it won't. It's not what I want or ask for; it's what Brian wants to give me but can't. No matter how accepting I am, I can't change the fact that Brian feels like loving me is taking something away from him. I promised him I wouldn't ask that of him. I have to keep that promise, at least for a day. I just hope I'm strong enough.

Mom reaches out and touches my face then flashes me the smile I inherited, "Forget all this serious discussion. Let's go shopping!"

I smile back at her, relived she's willing to let this go. Shopping is just what I need to take my mind off everything. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

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