Judas

So Open Yourself For Me

Justin's POV

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Brian looks at me, eyes blazing, and I know he's mad. I just can't figure out why. But since I have no idea what has been going on all morning that comes as no surprise. All I wanted to do was leave. Preferably before Brian woke up, but that didn't happen. Nothing's gone as planned since. Every time I try to leave, he stops me. Now here we are. I'm halfway between the bedroom and the door, and he's glaring at me from the bed.

He' still not speaking so I have a few minutes to try and decide what I did. He should have just let me go; I know that's what he wanted. I understand Brian enough to know he was trying to figure out ways to convince me that last night changes nothing, that we still have no future together. What he doesn't realize is that I understand that all too well. Which is why I was leaving. I'm glad I at least got a chance to thank him. I want him to know that even though last night can't mean anything for us, it meant everything to me.

When he asked me why we couldn't be together, I thought he was trying to punish me. Then I realized he wanted to be sure I knew. He needed me to say we were over for good. And I did, but he still wouldn't let me leave. He asked me what I wanted. I gave him the best answer I could with shouting that all I wanted was him, any way I could have him. As hard as it's been, I've finally let go of that fantasy. So I told him what I want as honestly as I could. He told me he could never be the one to give it to me. He didn't need to; I already know that. Doesn't he know that his limitations and boundaries are burned into my soul? I did the only thing left to do; I acknowledged the truth of what he said. And now he's staring at me like he wants to kill me. I think I'll leave now. Maybe he'll let me go this time.

"You said you left because I didn't want you to stay. Why?" His voice rings out loudly in the unnatural silence that had fallen between us.

Without thinking, I take a step toward him. "I know I said that, Brian. But I don't think it's true. I left because" that's as far as I get before he interrupts me.

"No, I didn't want you to stay. Tell me why."

"Because you didn't love me?" I know it's a pathetic answer, but he has me too stunned to think properly. Is this some new way to torture me? Let's list the reason he wanted to get rid me. Not exactly how I wanted to spend the day.

He waves his hand in the air dismissing my answer, "Love has nothing to do with anything. It never has. Try again."

I feel like I'm on Jeopardy or something. "I was in your way. You were tired of having me around. I was only supposed to stay for a little while."

"Jesus Christ, Justin. Is that the best you can do? And to think I gave you credit for being smarter than the rest of the morons that surround me. So help me God, if you spout any nonsense about my thinking you would be happier with the fiddler, I'll kill you where you stand. Last chance Sunshine. Use your fucking head."

I look at Brian carefully. As much as I hate to do it, I try to remember the last few months we spent together. I know my answer is important. Maybe more for Brian than for me. He's not rushing me, and I'm grateful for that. I don't want to screw this up. Then it hits me. I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm not sure how far to go with it. If I'm wrong, it could blow up in my face. I make sure I can see Brian's eyes before I speak. I need to see his reaction to my answer. "I wanted too much from you. It didn't matter if I asked; you knew. I told you I didn't want you to change, but you knew I wanted more."

"Not bad, Sonnyboy. It's closer than I thought you'd get. I'll help you out. You told me what you wanted. What do I want?"

Fuck! Just when I start to make some progress, he throws me off balance. How the hell do I answer that. "You want to be free. No expectations, no demands. You want a life that's designed for pleasure and convenience."

"Is that what you think I want?" He sounds disappointed.

"No, it's what you think you want. It's what you try and convince everyone that you want."

Now he looks surprised, but he laughs, "So what do I really want."

"The same thing everyone else does. You want to be loved and accepted. You want someone you can feel safe with, who you can be yourself with. But you'll never let your guard down enough for that to happen." It sounds so sad when I say it aloud, but I know it's true. Brian's spent too long building walls to let anyone in.

"Maybe you do know me after all," Brian says quietly.

"So is that what went wrong? I got too close. I fell in love with you and that made me a threat. I'm not like Michael. I'm not content to watch your life from the sidelines. I was always pushing to get closer."

And just like that the anger's back. "Fuck you! Who do you think you are? Did it ever occur to you that I have all those rules for a reason? That I keep people at a distance for a reason? But you wouldn't stop. You were so sure I was what you wanted. You wouldn't listen when I told you I didn't believe in love, that I could never give you the life you dreamed of. And damn you, sometimes you made me believe to. Look where that got us. Your fucking prom."

"Brian, stop it. What happened wasn't your fault. You know that." I hate that we always seem to come back to that. It won't leave us alone.

"It's not about blame, Justin. I should have learned my lesson, but I let you back in. Not because it was better for you, but because I wanted you. You need to understand that; it's always about me. I did things with you, for you that I knew I had no business doing. But I made excuses. It was to help you get better; it was only temporary. All bullshit. Then there was your birthday. Don't look at me like that; I don't mean the fucking hustler. I was going to buy you flowers. I had them in my hand, but," he looks away and shakes his head. "And when I made partner, all I wanted was to celebrate with you. To come home and share it with you."

"What's wrong with that?" I see now that Brian cared for me more than he ever showed me. More that he would ever admit.

"It's not me, Justin. It's not who I can ever be. Emmett, Debbie, Lindsay, they all have these romantic notions about me. They think I let you go so you could have a better life. They think I wanted to save you from me. They couldn't be more wrong. I let you go so I could save myself."

The anger is gone from his voice. But there is a note of desperation that scares me even more. "From what, Brian?"

"From you and everything you wanted me to be. People looked at us and thought you were turning into me. But what was really happening is that I was turning into you. I couldn't let that happen. Every day, I was losing more of myself to you. There wasn't going to be anything left. I couldn't let that happen."

"I don't understand." And I don't. I'm not even sure I want to.

"Of course, you don't. You can't. To you, love is a good thing. But I know better. I survived, God how do I make you understand what I survived? I survived my parents. I survived being unapologeticly gay in a straight world. In order to do that, I became who I am. I created Brain Kinney. That's all I have in my life. All I can count on. I can't give that up. I won't let you take that away from me."

While he was talking, I kept moving closer to Brian. Now I'm standing right in front of him. I swear I can feel the desperation and pain radiating from him. I finally understand why he made me leave. While I saw Brian's love for me, and I know now more than ever that he did love me, as something to draw strength from, he saw it as a weakness. It was his enemy. Our being together was destroying him day by day. The closer we got, the more threatened he felt. He was surviving the only way he knew how. By being alone. I found the one thing I'll never be strong enough to fight. Brian's past.

I look at Brian and it kills me to see him so vulnerable. I love him more than anything, but I have to let him go. I kiss him one last time, "I won't ask that of you, Brian. Ever again." This time when I go to leave, he doesn't stop me.

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